Part 7
Qui-gon ran towards the healers. He had been resting in his room, when he felt Obi-wan's life force fading. Jedi weren't supposed to center on their fears, but right now it was his fear that made the bile rise in his throat, and it was his fear that sent him flying to Obi-wan's side at top speed. He couldn't lose the boy now. He hadn't even had the chance to tell him how sorry he was. He hadn't had the chance to let Obi-wan know that he was proud of him.
Bursting through the doors of the medcenter, Qui-gon went straight to Obi-wan's room, not even bothering to check with the healer on duty. He arrived at the door, almost colliding with the healer who was exiting the room. Skidding to a halt, he saw the look on the man's face, and knew without asking what had happened. "I'm sorry, Qui-gon. We did all we could. He's one with the force now."
With a strangled cry, Qui-gon dropped to his knees on the cold floor. He couldn't even see the hallway anymore as his vision became overrun with tears.
"NOOOO!!" The scream was torn from his throat as he sat straight up in his sweat soaked bed. His eyes took a moment to focus as he tried to calm the wild beating of his heart. It had been a dream. A horribly vivid one, but still just a dream. It had been two days now since the intruder had died trying to escape the temple. He had left a bomb hidden in the temple, in his last effort to kill Yoda, and the rest of the Jedi. Surprisingly enough, it had been Bruck who had saved them. In his remorse, he had returned to the temple and told them the location of the bomb. He told them how he had been deceived into helping Trevin Hol steal items from the temple. He had let his anger and fear get the best of him, but he had never wanted to see the temple destroyed.
So young Bruck had returned all the rest of the missing items, and gone before the council to make an official apology. He would not be trained as a Jedi. The council had decided to send him to a world on the Outer Rim where he would assist Jedi Knight Coztu Panthmir in caring for refugees from a nearby war-torn planet. Not a pretty assignment, but one that the young man had readily accepted, knowing that he deserved to be banished for what he had done.
Though it was still dark, Qui-gon knew that he would get no more sleep this night. He climbed out of bed, and showered quickly, washing away the sweat from his nightmare, and changing into a clean tunic. He headed down to the medcenter to see Obi-wan. The boy had spent all of his first day in a bacta tank, and all of the next day asleep. Qui-gon had been in the medcenter the whole time, but the boy hadn't woken up yet. The healers had eventually forced him to return to his quarters for some much needed rest, assuring him that Obi-wan was well on the way to recovery.
Entering the medcenter, Qui-gon felt a momentary chill as his dream came back to him. The healer was not in the boy's room, however, so Qui-gon settled down in the chair next to the bed to watch Obi-wan sleep.
"Qui-gon." Qui-gon's eyes snapped open as someone gently shook his shoulder. He was still in the chair next to Obi-wan's bed, but he didn't even remember falling asleep. "I thought the healers had ordered you to your quarters."
Qui-gon looked up to see Mace Windu's friendly stare. "I did go to my quarters, I just didn't stay there."
"Well, your presence is requested in the council chambers. We sent a message to your room, but I figured you wouldn't be there, so I told Yoda I'd come get you."
Qui-gon rose somewhat stiffly from his chair. "You know me too well, old friend."
"You always were the rebellious one." Mace noted with a twinkle in his eye.
"Only because you never got caught." Qui-gon retorted.
Chuckling softly, Mace led Qui-gon out of the room.
~*~
He knew he wasn't dead, because being one with the force wouldn't hurt so much. "Ah, you're awake."
Obi-wan cracked open his eyes and saw that he was in the medcenter, with one of the healers leaning over him. "Wha..." He tried to speak, but he found that it was all he could do at the moment just to steady his breathing.
"Don't try to speak just yet, Obi-wan. You've been seriously injured, and you need to rest."
Obi-wan closed his eyes again and sensed the healer move about the room, check various read-outs, then leave, closing the door behind him. The last thing he remembered was fighting with Trevin. Judging by the way he felt, he guessed that he'd lost. But what had happened to Trevin? Had he gotten away, or was he still somewhere in the temple?
He had plenty of questions, but no answers. He remembered that the last time, when he'd been hurt on the way to Bandomeer, Qui-gon had been there when he'd woken up. He hadn't even been his apprentice then.... But things were different now. He had failed his master at Melida/Daan, and now again with Trevin Hol. Obi-wan held back the tears that pushed against his closed eyelids. He had failed, and he would live with the consequences, he would have to. Pushing thoughts of the past aside, he worked on releasing his feelings into the force and settling his body into a healing trance.
"Called you here, we did to hear your decision." Yoda stated after Qui-gon had entered the council chambers.
"Yes, Masters. I would like to continue with the boy as my padawan learner." Qui-gon knew it wasn't any surprise to the council, but he also knew that it was a necessary formality for him to announce his intentions.
"Good, this is. Needs you he does, and you him. Much guilt you both feel, deal with this we must."
As Yoda finished, another council member nodded and continued "You will go to your quarters and meditate. When Obi-wan is released tomorrow, we will send him to you after we see him."
It took Qui-gon a split second to realize what he was being told. "You won't allow me to see him when he wakes up?"
"Necessary, this is." Yoda replied.
"How can it be necessary to keep a padawan from his master? He will think I've abandoned him if I'm not there when he wakes up. He already feels some insecurity at the fact that I hesitated to take him as my padawan. Keeping us apart now will only hurt him more."
"His choice it was to remain behind. Abandoned you, he did."
Qui-gon felt a knot forming in his stomach. "But he is only a boy. He was caught up in something he didn't fully understand. Please, Masters. If you must punish someone, then punish me for not preparing him properly. I should have talked to him about it. I should have been more open with him."
"Punishment, this is not. Talk to him we will, before you do. Face what he did, he must. Judge for ourselves we will, on how he feels."
Qui-gon heard the words, but found it hard to accept. He knew that the council wasn't trying to punish anyone, but this would be hard on Obi-wan.
~*~
"How feel you, Obi-wan?" Yoda asked the boy who stood before the council.
Wasn't that a loaded question…How did he feel? He didn't want to get into all the emotional things that had been bouncing around inside of him since he had woken up in the medcenter yesterday, so he played it safe. "I'm feeling much better, Master."
"Yes, healing you are. Ready are you, then, to face this council?"
Even though Obi-wan had already determined he would be serene and Jedi-like regardless of what the council said, he could already feel his defenses starting to crumble, and they hadn't even started to question him yet! "I am ready, Masters."
"Very well, then." Master Mace Windu said leaning forward. "The council is aware of the events that occurred on Melida/Daan. What we want from you, is your reasoning. Why did you decide to stay when your master had made it clear that your mission required your immediate departure?"
This was worse than he thought. He had hoped that they would simply read him a list of his crimes, and tell him what they were going to do…but this was far worse. They wanted him to go back over the events and recount how foolish he had been! He didn't think he would be able to relive the whole experience. "I'm sorry, Masters. I…don't recall my specific reasoning at the time of the decision. I only know that I let myself be led by my emotions into a situation of which I had no understanding. I turned my back on everything I had learned, and I shamed my training, and my master."
"You admit that in staying, you turned your back on your training. Yet, you have made it known that you wish to return as a padawan." Another master stated.
"I was terribly wrong… I realized how unprepared I was after my master left. I had hoped to help them save their planet, but I saw how incapable I was…I had to call Master Qui-gon for help." He swallowed the lump that had risen in his throat. "I know now that I need to continue my training if I am to help anyone."
"How can you be sure that you won't be swept up in another cause before your training is complete?"
This was one of the questions he had been dreading. How could he answer it? He felt certain with every fiber of his being that he would never forsake his training again… but hadn't he felt that way before? "I…I can't be sure of the future. I learned a hard lesson at Melida/Daan…one I don't think I will ever forget."
"Wish you, to be Qui-gon's apprentice again?" Yoda asked.
Silence filled the room as the council waited for his response. He opened his mouth, only to quickly shut it again when he was unable to speak past the tears that were clogging his throat. He tried to calm his racing heart with the force, but he couldn't seem to focus on it as his emotions swirled around him. "I…he…he doesn't …want me, Master."
"Know this, you do?" Yoda asked him gently.
Before he could answer, Mace Windu spoke. "Qui-gon has agreed to accept you again as his padawan. You are to report directly to your new joint quarters in the Padawan wing on the fifth level."
Obi-wan was consumed by his thoughts as he walked through the temple towards the joint quarters. He couldn't remember a time when he had been to this part of the temple. As an initiate he had always stayed in the student dormitories. The joint quarters were reserved for padawans and their masters. Each quarter was like a small apartment with two rooms for the master and apprentice, joined by a small living area.
Somehow it just didn't feel right that he would be living here now. Despite what the council had said, he still didn't really believe that Qui-gon still wanted him. How could he? He had betrayed him, just like his former padawan Xanatos. Masters and padawans were supposed to be able to trust each other with their lives, yet he had broken that trust, and he didn't think Qui-gon would ever trust him again.
Maybe Qui-gon had decided to continue his training out of some sense of duty. He may have agreed to train him, but Obi-wan was sure that he would never be forgiven. Just thinking about it made the tears spring again to his eyes. He wouldn't let the tears fall, though; he would have to learn to live without Qui-gon's forgiveness. He knew that it was too much to ask for. He was just grateful that the jedi master had agreed to let him continue his training.
As he approached his new quarters he wondered what his master would say to him. He imagined that he would have to give an account of his actions to him. Did he know about the fight he had gotten into with Trevin? The healers had told him what had happened as he recovered in the medcenter, but had they told Qui-gon about him being injured? Of course, they had no reason to, since Obi-wan had technically not been his apprentice at the time. Master Yoda would have told him, though. Yes, Qui-gon had to have known that his former padawan was in the medcenter, he just hadn't felt compelled to come. And why would he? Obi-wan was injured as the direct result of disobeying him again. He had left his room after Qui-gon had clearly told him not too. He had let himself be deceived by Trevin, and hadn't even been able to fight him. He had failed Qui-gon in so many ways…
Obi-wan brought his thoughts to a halt as he reached the door to his new home. Even though he was no longer thinking about his failings, his emotions continued to tumble around inside of him making him feel weak in the knees. He did his best to center himself in the force, and calm his racing heart. It would do him no good for Qui-gon to see him like this. He took one calming breath, then another, until he finally felt he would be able to control his emotions. He reached one slightly trembling hand out to ring the door chime, and summoned his best serene-jedi look.
~*~
Qui-gon looked up from the datapad he had been reading when he heard
the door chime. Actually, he hadn't been reading ever since he'd felt
his apprentice's approach through the force. He'd felt the pain
radiating from the boy, and was very proud of the way he'd felt him
reach out with the force and calm himself. It was a valiant effort,
but still, he could feel the pain and remorse that Obi-wan was trying
so desperately to suppress. If only the council had let him see
Obi-wan the day before! He could have eased his fears, and reassured
the boy…but he knew it was pointless to dwell on a past that could
not be changed. He only hoped that Obi-wan would be willing to trust
him again.
Qui-gon laid the datapad aside, and went to the door. He opened it to reveal one very tired, and heartbroken little padawan. He could tell that the boy was making an effort to project calmness, but after a few seconds he lowered his eyes to the floor in defeat. Looking at him now he couldn't imagine how he'd ever convinced himself that Obi-wan had betrayed him. It was he, who had betrayed his apprentice. He'd left him when he'd needed him most…
He decided then that his first words to his padawan would be his apology. "Padawan…"
In one word Qui-gon conveyed more affection than he'd ever felt from him before. He lifted his eyes from the floor and saw it. There, in his master's eyes, he saw…love. His master loved him!
Before Qui-gon could get another word out, Obi-wan launched himself into his master's arms. Though it caught him by surprise, Qui-gon was quick to wrap his arms around the boy. "Shh, my padawan. It's alright now."
Qui-gon stood there, for what seemed like hours, holding him while his whole body shook with the release of so much pent up emotion. All the while he heard his master whispering comfort to him, and felt him sending reassurance through the force. At last, when his flood of tears became a mere trickle, he looked again into his master's eyes. "I'm so sorry, Master."
"Shh, Padawan. Enough of that. It is I who should be sorry."
Confused, Obi-wan was about to protest, when his master continued. "All this time I've been reluctant to trust you, not because of anything you did, but because of my own past. I was deeply hurt by Xanatos; a hurt that I thought I'd overcome back on Bandomeer. The truth is, Obi-wan, Xantatos was very close to my heart. We had been together for a long time before his betrayal. After him, I never felt the beginnings of a bond with any other initiate. At least not until you came along. When I saw you, I felt the beginning of a very strong bond. Stronger, perhaps, than the one I'd had with my former apprentice. But with stronger bonds, comes deeper hurt. I didn't want to take you as a padawan, because I knew that if I ever lost you, it would be like losing a son."
Obi-wan stared at his master, unable to believe what he had just heard. "A son?" He was sure he had heard wrong. How was that possible? "I don't understand, Master."
"You see Obi-wan, the love of a father for his son is unconditional. It doesn't matter what the son does, or says, that love can never be taken away. I was hurt by your rejection at Melida/Daan, and I wasn't sure if I would ever be able to work with you as master and apprentice again, but seeing you again when I returned to the planet made me realize something: I had forgiven you before you'd even called me. And when the council forbade me to see you after you'd been hurt, I felt like my heart was being ripped from my chest."
Realization dawned as Obi-wan stared at his master. "You mean, you wanted to be with me?"
"I was with you, padawan. I was with you for two days solid until the council summoned me. They wanted to speak with you before I did, and ordered me to stay away. Frankly, Obi-wan, it was an order I came very close to breaking."
Looking at his master now, Obi-wan saw the tears glistening in his eyes. He could hardly believe what he had heard. Relief washed over him like a wave, leaving him exhausted, and exhilarated at the same time.
Sensing that his apprentice was about to drop from exhaustion, Qui-gon led Obi-wan to the small room just to the right of the living area. Opening the door, he guided the boy into the room, and gestured towards the bed. "Get some rest, padawan. Tomorrow we will begin your training again."
Obi-wan was surprised when his master didn't leave the room when he lay down. Instead, Qui-gon sat near the head of the bed, and laid one large hand on his padawan's head.
He heard his master's voice, as he spoke in a near whisper. "Sleep well, my young apprentice. Know that I love you, and I am proud of you."
Obi-wan's last thoughts before he drifted off to sleep were ones of total peace. He knew, for the first time since becoming a padawan, that his master loved him, and that everything was going to be okay.
The End
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