Title: Letters
Author: Wolfie
Category: Mushy
Rating: PG
Spoilers: All the Jedi Apprentice books up to #7
Archive: Uh, Padawan Journals and whoever else, just tell me when you put
them up
Summary: I'm a fan of the Griffin and Sabine letters and decided to do a
small storyline between Bant, Obi-Wan and later Qui-Gon. Each part is a
different letter, but read them in order. For those who like my quirky
nature, you should appreciate this. It shows a side I don't normally put in
small fics, my "serious" side.
Disclaimer: All characters are the property of LucasArts and affiliates.
No infringement is intended and the sole purpose of this story is
entertainment only. Copyright 2000
Dear Bant:
It happened! I scarce believe it. It's a long story, too long to tell in
such a short letter, but Qui-Gon Jinn took me as his padawan yesterday! I'm
so excited and still not quite able to believe it. We were in danger, you
see, and I had this collar around my neck that could explode. We were
unable to get out of this trapped room, and the mines were going to blow. I
knew we had to save the miners, but there was no way out. So I told Master
Jinn to find cover, that I was going to detonate the collar, so that the
door would be blown open and he could help the miners escape before the
mines exploded from other traps. Like I said before, long story, but you
get the point.
He refused; was adamant about me not sacrificing myself, actually. It was kind of flattering. Master Jinn found a way out (without me blowing up myself obviously) and we stopped the mines from exploding. We worked together as a team. A dynmaic duo! It was so glorious, Bant! I never dreamed that being a padawan could be so wonderful. It's more than any of us ever imagined!
He called me padawan, Bant. He told me, "No, Padawan. There has to be another way." He called me padawan, Bant, *his* padawan. I still can't quite grasp it.
I'm going to be the greatest padawan ever. I will follow every order to the letter, I will question nothing unless I feel it is needed to be done. I will watch every move he makes and show him that not all padawans are like his padawan learner before.
Xanatos.
Oh, Bant. Remember what we heard? That Xanatos was lost in some great battle. Some of that is true, but not all of it was told to us. Xanatos turned to the Dark Side. He tried to help his evil father take over their homeplanet, Telos. They started a war, killing many people. And Xanatos did the unthinkable. I can't even imagine doing this to my master.
He fought my master, drew his lightsaber against him.
Can you imagine doing that? After all that work, the struggle to gain a master's attention, to learn under that master and then to throw it all away! For some credits and some power you don't even get. Xanatos had to flee his planet. His father was killed. It's like they say, Bant, there is nothing to be gained from the Dark Side except grief.
Xanatos hurt Master Jinn horribly. That's why he always seems so cold and aloof. He gave his all to someone who didn't appreciate what he had to offer. I will *never* do that. If I do turn against Master Jinn, Bant, you have my permission to hunt me down and feed me to a Hutt!
And speaking of Hutts, I met one on the transport ship to Bandomeer. Word of advice. Avoid them. They are nasty. Master Jinn faced one down without fear, Bant. He was calm and collected, unafraid.
I think Master Jinn is almost perfect as a master. A little work in making him smile and be contented again, but he's almost perfect.
Better go, Bant, I hear him calling my name. It must be time to go to our next mission. I was hoping for one more day on Bandomeer, but I guess not. Today's my birthday too. I wonder if he'll remember. I wonder if anyone told him?!
Miss you and Garin and Reeft.
Dear Obi-Wan:
How exciting! And I'm so happy for you! I just knew that you'd get taken as a padawan somehow, someway. (I prayed nightly after you left..am I supposed to confess that?)
Reeft may be taken as a padawan soon. Binn Ibes has been watching Reeft closely the past few days. I'm hopeful, but you know Reeft. He doesn't hold his breath until it happens. Well, unless it concerns food. *I'm* hopeful though.
My skills are improving. Yoda has been giving me extra lessons. I think he's testing me. Could I be ready to be someone's padawan soon, do you think? I hope so. Can't let you have all the adventures, now can I?
Write me soon. I want to hear all about your birthday present. What did you get? Master Jinn does seem very forbidding, doesn't he? Watch yourself, Obi-Wan, maybe Xanatos was driven to the dark side. I don't want to say anything bad about your master, but just watch yourself. I want to see my best friend alive, not brought in as an agent of the Dark Side.
Love you!! Miss you!! Write soon!!
Dear Bant:
Master Qui-Gon had nothing to do with Xanatos' fall to the Dark Side. I appreciate your concern though. Just keep in mind that my master is loyal to the order and, while not a strict follower of the code, is pure of heart and spirit.
As for my birthday. Well, you see, I got a rock. It's a rock from his home planet and it's really beautiful. It must mean something if he's carried around with him all this time, right? It's shiny and has this inner beauty quality to it. If rocks can have an inner beauty, that is. It wasn't what I was hoping for or expecting, but I'm learning that Master Qui-Gon isn't your normal, run-of-the-mill masters. He'll take some time to get used to, but I'm actually looking forward to the challenge.
I've gotten him to smile a couple of times, but I think I get more of either disapproval or corrective comments than anything else. He rebuked me for not meditating on my birthday, despite the fact that we were dispatched on a mission that very day! I didn't have time! He said that was no excuse however. I was kind of shamed, but he seemed to understand a little.
I have to go, our pilot's acting kind of wierd. I'll send this off and then see what's going on.
Miss you! Write soon!
Dear Obi-Wan:
I got the last letter, but it's been awhile since I've heard from you. What happened with the pilot? Are you guys okay? Write back, I'm worried.
Nothing new at the Temple, just the same old exercises and classes. Bruck's been having private sessions with Master Yoda about his anger. He's not so much of a jerk anymore. He's actually tolerable. Emphasis on "tolerable".
Rumor is that the mission you guys are on now could be dangerous. Some sort of governmental coup. Be careful, Obi-Wan, you're not invincible, despite what you boys think. Why do you think that way anyway? Boys are so strange sometimes.
Write soon. I miss your words and your laugh. I could use a good view of some twinkling blue eyes about now. Reeft's are just not the right color.
Love you!
Dear Bant:
So much has happened I can't explain it all in a letter. I'll just summarize over the good stuff and minutely mention the bad in context. We have one more mission to a planet called Melida/Daan to find a lost knight and then we return to the Temple. I'll catch you up then.
First off, remember that rock I told you I got for my thirteenth birthday? Well, it's not just a rock after all. It's Force-sensitive! It saved me from these mind-wiping machines. It helped me remember all my memories of you, and Reeft, and Garin, and the Temple, Master Yoda, my parents, my home planet (what I can remember anyway), and all the stuff I've learned as a student of the Jedi. I should have known that Master Qui-Gon wouldn't give me some dumb old rock. It's very special and I carry it with me always.
As for Master Qui-Gon, we're getting a little closer with every passing day. Our training bond is deepening enough that we can somewhat sense each other's moods and sometimes presence. It's very...humbling. It's very hard to explain, but I have no doubt you'll experience it someday too. Then we can talk about how wierd it is, because it's *very*.
We saved another planet. That seems to be our modus operandi, I think. Or at least Master Qui-Gon's. He's sleeping right now, which is what I should be doing, but I'm not. I'm too excited. Our mission was a complete success! We found the true heir to the planet's monarchy, plus reunited a mother and son together, as well as uniting those two with a long-lost daughter. Another long story, but you get the drift. I met a boy on our last mission. I thought I was confused a lot about my place in the order of things, but Jono Dunn is even more so. He turned traitor on me, almost got me killed, but he's seen the error of his beliefs. He was sent back to his family to be a farmer. I can sympathize with his lack of excitement in that quarter.
Our next mission will be in and out, getting a knight from terrorists. I'm hoping we'll get some time at the Temple long enough for me to update you guys about being a padawan and stuff.
Miss you, Bant. How's Reeft and Garin? Anyone else we know been taken as a padawan recently? Catch me up!
Dear Obi-Wan:
You'll never get this letter, mainly because you left the Jedi and I'm not sure you could receive it on Melida/Daan. Why did you leave, Obi-Wan? What did Master Jinn do to you that made you want to leave us?
It's so unfair! You have so much talent and skills and determination. You'd have been a great Jedi knight. And then he came along and ruined you! It's so unfair. How could he do that to you? Did he not see what we all saw ourselves? Is he so absorbed in the past that he can't see the present or the future?
I saw him walking in the halls yesterday and just wanted to run up and start hitting him for making you leave us. I know you didn't do it voluntarily. He must have made you feel so unworthy that you thought you could do better in the universe in other ways. Master Qui-Gon Jinn. Even the name sounds heartless, because that's what he is! Heartless!
I wish I could talk to you, Obi-Wan. I wish I could tell you that you made a horrible mistake, that there's another master waiting to take you as his padawan learner and that you'll be a Jedi again. But you left the Order! They probably won't take you back. *He* probably painted you as some uncaring, unfit, undeserving boy. I'm so surprised at Master Yoda. We all knew that Master Yoda knew what you had inside you. Why did he insist that Qui-Gon Jinn was the master for you, that's what I'd like to know!
Now that I'm done ranting, I'll tell you what's going on. I wish you could really read this. Remember I said Reeft was being eyed by Binn Ibes? Well, Reeft is his padawan now. They're going on their first mission tomorrow. Reeft is so excited he couldn't eat! Can you imagine? Garin is taking special classes for piloting. His skills are great, and the need for good Jedi pilots is great, so, well, I guess Garin is doing great.
I want to hate him, Obi-Wan, even though I know it's the path to the Dark Side. He makes me so mad, walking through the halls as if nothing happened.
I should go. Early classes tomorrow. I miss you, Obi-Wan Kenobi, come back to us.
Your friend no matter what, forever and ever,
Dear Bant:
There's no way to send this off-planet and I'm not sure the Council will let you have it anyway, but I'm writing just because.
It's so lonely here.
I miss everyone and I know I made a big mistake, but it felt so right at the time! We did so much good, Cerasi, Neild, me and the Young. We stopped a war! And not just any war, Bant, but a war that had been going on for so long that no one remembered what it was originally about and had just turned into revenge.
I left the Jedi because I thought I found my place in the galaxy, a place that I would do good and bring forth the balance of peace. I was so wrong. It worked for a while, but now the Young are fighting amongst themselves and the Elders are going to take advantage of that soon, I just know it. The good we did is going to fall apart, the peace is going to erupt into war again.
Neild kicked me out. Deila and a couple of others bring me food and supplies, but otherwise, I'm pariah. I go out into the streets and I'm totally ignored. Very few will associate with me. Those I fought beside, those I worked with for peace now ignore my very existence. It's disheartening.
I sit around in corners, hiding and thinking. I think about my life at the Temple, how wonderful it had been for the most part. I think about you, and Reeft and Garin and wonder how things are. Can you believe I actually miss classes? And here we thought we couldn't wait to be rid of them. I think about Master Yoda and what he'd say about what I did. I can hear the lecture now.
"Left us you did, Obi-Wan Kenobi, horrible mistake you have made. Learn from it did you? Learn from mistakes is how all life learns. Did some good you did. Learn from that too?"
Yes, Master Yoda, I learned. I learned that even a Jedi has his limits.
Remember when I said I'd never turn on my master? That I'd never give him a reason to ever feel shame, disappointment or betrayal from me? I'm such an idiot. I don't deserve him, Bant. I turned against him when he wouldn't help the Young. He wouldn't let me take the transport and destroy some of the fighters that were blowing up the Young's safe-havens. He knew we shouldn't meddle. He knew that our mission, and top-priority, was to get Master Tahl out of there, but no, I knew so much better. I thought about fighting him to get the transport, but just handed over my lightsaber instead.
Oh, Bant, I will never forget the look in his eyes. His face was totally unreadable, but those eyes. I could see the pain, the stunned disbelief that yet *another* padawan would turn against him. I could almost see the wheels turning in his mind, with him wondering what he was doing to make his padawans hate him so.
I don't hate him, Bant, quite the contrary. I admire him. His skill, his confidence in what he does, his grasp of the Force, his ability to see things in a different light than everyone else. I should have heeded his words, instead of scoffing at them. I found out I don't know as much as I thought I did, and now I'm paying the price for it.
I'm so lonely.
I found another limitation to being a "great and powerful Jedi". Cerasi is dead.
Just like that! Dead right in front of me and I couldn't stop it! It was horrible, Bant, one minute she was running, alive, trying to stop bloodshed, and the next minute some..some bantha slime shot her. Right through the chest, right in front of me, and Neild and her father, Wahutti. She died right there, Bant. Her green eyes, like crystals they were so clear, kind of dulled and then I felt her fade away.
You'd have liked Cerasi, Bant. She was so passionate, so confident, so beautiful and alive and...well, you get my point. Cerasi was just about perfect. *Was.*
I loved her, Bant, and I never told her. Is thirteen too young to be in love? Maybe it wasn't, *isn't*, that kind of love, but I loved her. I'd do anything to bring her back, but I can't. She's gone.
I hear another crowd forming. I should go and see what it is, but I just don't have the heart for it anymore. Cerasi's dead, Neild hates me, Qui-Gon left with Tahl, and you're thousands and thousands of miles away. I may never see you again. If I don't and someone finds this and sends it to you, I just want to say, I love you, Bant. And Garin and Reeft too. You guys are my best friends in the whole universe and I know deep down that no matter what, you guys will always be there for me. If you do get this letter by chance, tell Master Yoda that I'm sorry for everything and sorry for disappointing him. Tell him I shall treasure his bits of wisdom until the day I die. And tell Master Qui-Gon something too? Please? Tell him that I know I did wrong and that I could never make up for that mistake, but I was honored that he considered me his padawan learner, even for a brief moment. My betrayal of his trust is the most horrible thing I have, and ever will have, done in my whole life. Tell him that...that...well, he deserves a better padawan than I'll ever be. And that Xanatos is an idiot for not knowing what he had.
Miss you, Bant. I'd say wish you were here, but I don't. I don't want you anywhere near this. It's too horrible sometimes.
Your friend (I *am* still your friend right?),
Obi-Wan:
You've been unconscious for the past five days. The healers are not optimistic about any recovery you might make. So in preparation, I've begun sorting half-heartedly through your things. I didn't really want to, but Yoda suggested it. There's something in the way that Yoda phrases things that you just can't get out of.
I found some letters you've kept, from the start of our padawan/master partnership. Letters between you and Bant. I guess Bant gave you a copy of one she never sent during the time you were on Melida/Daan. I read them, Padawan, I hope you don't mind. Something compelled me to do so.
First thing I should say to clear the air.
YOU ARE THE BEST PADAWAN I COULD HAVE EVER HOPED FOR. Don't you ever think otherwise, Obi-Wan Kenobi. You were always worthy of me. It was I, at the start, who was unworthy of you.
Oh, Obi-Wan, I never realized...I always saw you as more than a boy, but that's what you always were, weren't you? A boy, still lost and confused about his place in the galaxy, trying to find his way and the only guide you had was a bitter, disillusioned knight who was too busy trying to hide himself to be of any use. I'm sorry for that, Obi-Wan Kenobi. I hope that since then, things have changed between us and you no longer feel that way. Surely you know you are more than just an apprentice. Surely you know that I consider you my son, someone to be proud of and sure that something of myself will continue on in you.
I see why you and Bant have written these letters over the course of the years. They are rather stress-relieving, aren't they? You can put emotions to paper (or comm-pad) that are just too difficult to express in person. The meaning of the emotions still come across. You are indeed wise beyond your years, Padawan, and even as you lie still some doors and levels away, I still learn from you.
Don't leave me, Padawan, you have so much more to teach this oh-so-wise master.
You are 21 now, aren't you? Where has the time gone? You were trailing around behind me yesterday, weren't you, worshiping my every move? These days you are at my side, strong, sure, confident, yet still inquisitive and willing to learn anything I have to teach you. You will be a great Jedi knight, Obi-Wan, so wake up, dammit! I will not lose a padawan to such a sniveling thing like some plague! I refuse to believe that the pitiful human form that needs a mechanical respirator to breath is my padawan, my Obi-Wan.
To quote Bant in one of the letters: "Come back to us, Obi-Wan Kenobi."
Follow the orders of your master, now. Come back.
Master:
I've brought Anakin back to the Temple. We burned your body in appropriate ceremony on Naboo and I can still feel you in the Force, ever so slightly. Master Yoda gave me the task of going through the few things you actually owned and I found my letters. I wondered where they went.
I also read the letter you wrote when I was horribly ill with the Bagarijin Plague. I just thought I'd keep the trend alive and write you one last letter in return.
I miss you, Master, and I'm keeping my promise. I'm training Anakin. He's a quick study, very intelligent. I see what you saw in him now, Master. I just wish it were you training him. I have this feeling deep down I won't be doing it right. He should have been your next padawan, not my first. However, I will try to be equal to the task.
We had a lot of adventures together, didn't we? From Bandomeer and the Monument to our last days on Naboo, we led a full Jedi life, I should think. Even now, the only mark I can find on our life together as master and padawan is Melida/Daan and I've come to realize that even that served a purpose in bringing us together, breaking the ice between us. I can't bring myself to regret Melida/Daan and often think about Cerasi and Neild. Bant teases me about on occasion still.
Master Yoda has been grousing at my morose attitude of late, but I can't help it. I still feel that you should be here, not some spectre within the Force. No doubt, you're standing over me without my knowing it, wanting to tug on my now-missing braid at my silliness and tendancy to be moody. 'That's my padawan,' you'd say on occasion whenever I'd get moody. I wonder, will Anakin shake his head and say, 'That's my master.' I hope not, but it would be fitting, I suppose.
I'm sending a few things of yours here and there, to family and friends that you had some connection with. I hope you don't mind, but I kept your lightsaber. Losing mine and 'inheriting' yours seemed apropo. I also kept your journals to help me train Anakin. I'm thankful you were such a voracious note-taker, Master. I skimmed through some of them. I was such a pain, wasn't I? I shake my head ruefully at some of your long ago comments on some harebrained thing I'd done and wonder what possessed me. I was such a brat sometimes. I'm sorry.
I miss you, Master. Someday we'll meet again within the Force. Until then, my master and friend, my surrogate father, May the Force be with you.
The End.
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