Title: Lost Light
By: Cassia
Email: cassia_a@hotmail.com
Category: Story, Drama, Adventure, Hurt/Comfort, Angst
Rating: PG (violence)
Spoilers: Minor ones for the JA books
Archive: Jedi Apprentice, Early Years & Qui-Gon Fic
Disclaimer: All recognizable Star Wars characters are the
exclusive property of George Lucas. All others belong to me.
I have no official permission to use these characters, but
I'm not being paid for it either, so that's okay.
Feedback: Yes Please!
Time Frame: 10 years before TMP. Obi-Wan is 15.
Summary: What was supposed to be an investigative mission goes
terribly awry, leaving Obi-Wan blind and Qui-Gon injured.
Having survived the harsh Drojan Death Camps, the two Jedi try get off
planet, as well as aid the one person who might be able to make the Republic
see that they must put a stop to Driosnia's actrocities. But nothing is
simple and everything that can go wrong, will...
LOST LIGHT
PART EIGHT:
Obi-Wan opened his eyes, but, as always, the world stayed just as dark. He felt Qui-Gon close by, but did not reach out. He knew his Master was there and was determined to stop being so clingy. He didn't want Qui-Gon thinking he was a big baby. He was stronger than that.
Even if he couldn't be a Jedi, he could still be strong. He would always respect Qui-Gon, even when he could no longer be his pupil. That thought made Obi-Wan sad, but he tried to push it away so Qui-Gon would not feel his sorrow. There was something else Obi-Wan was feeling too, something he couldn't quite put his finger on.
"Padawan," Qui-Gon shook his head. Knowing Obi-Wan was awake even before his eyes opened. "It seems I am forever finding myself at your bedside. Why do these things always seem to happen to you?" his voice was mild, almost playful.
Obi-Wan smiled dryly up at the ceiling. "I have no idea Master."
Qui-Gon's brows knitted in concern. Obi-Wan responded cheerfully enough to him, but something was missing, something on a deeper level. *"Obi-Wan,"* he reached out a warm tendril through the Force but received no answer. *"Obi-Wan? Speak to me Obi-Wan,"* he strengthened and repeated the wave, becoming increasingly concerned by his apprentice's lack of response.
"I'm here, I'm just... tired, Master," Obi-Wan replied aloud after a moment, finally returning Qui-Gon's Force-wave, but only half-heartedly.
That was unlike Obi-Wan. Qui-Gon was worried. He laid his right hand on Obi-Wan's forehead, feeling the Padawan's temperature. It was high, but not dangerously so. He feared that Obi-Wan was much more ill than they had thought, judging from his strange reaction.
"Do you feel all right Obi-Wan?" he inquired in concern.
"As all right as I can after being worked over by three large men with sledgehammers for fists," Obi-Wan moaned, sitting up and holding his head. "How did you get here?" Obi-Wan's flushed face paled as he tried to sit. He thought his head was going to fall off. Then he wished it would. He hadn't hurt quite this bad, or at least this way, since he'd been worked over by that heavy-handed Hutt on the way to Bandomeer when he was just twelve. Ironic, he grimaced. That beating had also been given under the assumption that he was a spy because he had been someplace he shouldn't have been.
"That is a story for another time and place," Qui-Gon said, pressing two small, powdery, circular objects into Obi-Wan's hand and then passing him a glass of water. "I have tried to help start your healing, but until we have time to get you into a proper trance, you might want to take these."
Obi-Wan gulped the pain-pills with a twinge of guilt. He shouldn't rely on crutches like that, but Qui-Gon was right. He wasn't about to get very far right now without them.
Qui-Gon patted Obi-Wan's shoulder gently with his more mobile right hand. "We all need help from time to time," he reassured, feeling the Padawan's hesitancy.
Obi-Wan slid off the bed slowly. He appreciated that Qui-Gon was trying to make him feel better, but it didn't help really. It was just one more thing that brought home to him the reality that he could no longer be the only thing he had wanted all his life to be.
Qui-Gon could tell the boy was feeling badly, but given his condition that was not a surprise. He did not yet realize the depth of Obi-Wan's discouragement. "I have something else for you," Qui-Gon said, sliding a cool metal cylinder into his Padawan's hand. Obi-Wan recognized the familiar feel of his lightsaber. He smiled despite himself, curling his fingers tightly around the smooth handle. Qui-Gon nodded approvingly. It was good to see Obi-Wan smile. Administrator Owskar had tracked down and retrieved both lightsabers shortly after discovering that Qui-Gon was a Jedi.
"Is the boy ready Jinn?" Verjl asked, entering from the hall. "The ship leaves in an hour."
"I'm ready," Obi-Wan affirmed for himself. "Where are we going?"
"Away from Driosnia, which ought to make you happy," Verjl said. "And we won't be coming back," he added softer. "Jinn can fill you in as to the details."
Obi-Wan struggled to comprehend what was happening. Everything seemed to be moving so fast. There were so many questions, so much he didn't understand... Obi-Wan turned to Qui-Gon for an explanation. Qui-Gon made it as brief as possible, yet gave Obi-Wan all the details he could.
"I see," Obi-Wan nodded, grasping the importance of what they were going to embark on.
The door chimed and it was Sheena. "Excuse me Master," she said when Verjl keyed it open. "You said you wanted to know when they were ready for you and Mr. Jinn to board." "Thank you Sheena," Verjl nodded. "You may inform them that Kenobi will also be accompanying us to serve me on this journey."
"Yes, sir," Sheena acquiesced. She felt a trifle jealous, she wished the Administrator would take *her* with him. Now not only was he going away, but he was also taking Obi-Wan with him, leaving her alone in this place.
Verjl did not miss her look. "I'm sorry Sheena," he said gently. "I wish I could take you too." He couldn't tell her he wouldn't be coming back. The less she knew, the better it was for her. He also couldn't just pick up and take all these people with him without attracting attention he could not afford.
Sheena just nodded and left to do as he bid her. She did not know what was going on, but she had seen enough to know that something was.
Obi-Wan quickly put on the new clothes he was given; clipping his lightsaber on the shiny black belt and letting the blue jacket fall over and conceal it. He did not like the idea of leaving Sheena behind, but understood the reason that they must. Verjl palmed the door open and the small group headed for the landing platform.
Grey, murky morning hung in the Driosnian sky and high over head the distant black forms of native birds flirted with the upper air currents. The air itself was damp with morning moisture and the earth felt quiet, as if it was still under the spell of night's nocturnal slumber. The wind carried the soft sounds of the night insects to them from the shadowy darkness of the fringe of trees that lined the path to the hanger.
As they neared the hangar by the landing platform, Obi-Wan smelt the odors of fuel, oil, grease and exhaust mingling in the air. He could feel the big ship that waited for them on the landing field, engines warming, and the cold ones, more distant and remote feeling, in the hangar. He also felt Sheena, walking towards them.
"I informed them as you requested. They are waiting for you," Sheena updated them a trifle flatly. "Goodbye Master," she bid Verjl farewell. "May the stars speed your journey. You too Mr. Jinn," she nodded at the older Jedi. *"I wish I knew what you were all up to..."* "Goodbye Obi-Wan," she smiled, placing her hand on his shoulder like a fond big sister. "When you get back I've got a floor you can help me with," she teased, bending down to give him a light peck on the cheek. "But you're not coming back, are you," she whispered softly in his ear when she pretended to kiss him. "Any of you."
Obi-Wan stiffened slightly. "Master, may I be excused to speak to Sheena for a moment, alone?" he requested.
Qui-Gon cocked an amused eyebrow. *"Don't you think she's a little old for you Padawan?"* he thought in jest. "All right Obi-Wan," was all he said out loud. "But not too long, we don't have much time."
"I shall go ahead. Meet me in my cabin in no more than fifteen minutes," Administrator Verjl informed them before continuing ahead.
Obi-Wan nodded in answer to both men's statements and Qui-Gon moved off a few yards to give them the privacy Obi-Wan had requested. Obi-Wan really didn't care if his Master overheard, he just wasn't so sure he wanted the Administrator to. He didn't know him very well yet and he did not want to put Sheena in any kind of danger.
"I'm right, aren't I?" Sheena said when they were left alone together.
"I can't say Sheena," Obi-Wan said with quiet urgency. "But for your own sake never mention it again and forget that you ever knew us."
"That important hm?" she said soberly.
Obi-Wan nodded. "I have to go now."
Sheena held him back a moment. If this was the last time she was ever going to see any of them, she didn't want to let go just yet. "I'm happy for you Obi-Wan. Now you can go back to your Jedi, all those things you told me about," she whispered, half hoarsely, half dreamily.
Obi-Wan bit his lip, fighting the sorrow that he had thought he had under control. *It wasn't fair...* "I wish I could Sheena," he whispered softly. "But that's not for me anymore..." his voice trailed off. He kicked himself. Why bring her down with his problems? This was hard enough for her already.
"Because of your eyes?" Sheena asked softly, sadness penetrating her entire being.
"Never mind, forget it. I'm sorry Sheena. Thank you for all you did for me. I hope everything works out. I'll never forget you," Obi-Wan turned in the direction of his waiting Master. "I really do have to go now."
Sheena squeezed his hand and then let go. "Wherever you go and whatever you do, may your stars shine brightly Obi-Wan."
"Yours too Sheena."
Qui-Gon stood at a distance, watching his Padawan say goodbye to the Inui woman. Obi-Wan made friends so easily. Sometimes too easily, it had caused him problems more than once.
Obi-Wan was being quiet, but making no real effort to keep their conversation from the older Jedi, and Qui-Gon heard most of what passed between them. It was much what he had suspected. He thought that Sheena suspected more than she was letting on. She had seen too much not to. He hoped she would heed Obi-Wan's advice and keep silent about it or she stood to die a terrible death. The next exchange however, caught Qui- Gon by surprise. His heart ached when he realized the reason behind Obi-Wan's unusual behavior and distance. Obi-Wan was sure he could never be a Jedi Knight. He was distancing himself from that dream as quickly as he could in an attempt to make the loss hurt less. That's why he wouldn't open up, that's why he had retreated so far within himself that Qui-Gon could not find him, even when they were living in the same mansion.
"Obi-Wan," Qui-Gon said as they headed on towards the landing pad. "You are not the only Jedi who has ever lost their eyesight," he said quietly. "And I am not about to drop you because of it."
For a moment, Obi-Wan did not respond. He realized that Qui- Gon must have heard what he said to Sheena. Gravel crunched under their feet as they approached the hangar.
"Yes, Master," Obi-Wan nodded after a moment, but Qui-Gon could tell there was no confidence behind the words.
"We don't even know if it's permanent yet, and a Jedi must never make assumptions..." Qui-Gon tried to shake Obi-Wan out of the depression he had settled into.
His words had an effect, although perhaps not the one he had desired. "It's not an assumption," Obi-Wan half interrupted, his voice choking slightly. "Administrator Owskar took me to a doctor, he said my eyes were too far gone," Obi-Wan's throat clutched up. He buried his face in his hands. "I'll never see again," he whispered into the darkness that surrounded him. Obi-Wan knew he was handling this badly and that only compounded his pain. He had not meant to burst out like that, he thought he was resolved about all this, but he found now that he was not.
They had both stopped walking. The moist early morning breeze tugged at their clothes, rustling Qui-Gon's long hair. The breeze carried with it the smell of life and beginnings, as if stubbornly denying the death and destruction that spread like a stain across the face of Driosnia.
Thousands of lives on this planet were being snuffed out and ruined every day. Qui-Gon did not intend to let Obi-Wan become another casualty of the Drojan's war on decency. He put his right hand on the Padawan's shoulder. Qui-Gon had not known that Obi-Wan had been to a physician, but that didn't change anything. Not all who wore the title of doctor were equals. He himself would not give up hope until the Temple Healers had had a chance to look at Obi-Wan, and even if they concurred that Obi-Wan was indeed destined to be blind for life, it would still change nothing. He would continue to train Obi- Wan, Obi-Wan *would* become a Knight.
"Maybe you will, maybe you won't, it doesn't matter. Do you stop being you just because you can't see? Will you throw away everything you have worked so hard for just because you encounter an obstacle?" Qui-Gon gently prodded at Obi-Wan's self-pity.
"Don't you understand?" Obi-Wan flared slightly. "I can't do it, I can't *be* a Jedi anymore! What I've been through, what's happened to me proves that," Obi-Wan gestured to his still fresh injuries.
"If you tell yourself you can't do something, you won't be able to. Your blindness does not limit you Obi-Wan, you limit yourself," Qui-Gon shook his head.
An anger that Obi-Wan had not realized was there clamped down on him like a vice, squeezing his already hurting heart painfully. He had been through too much pain lately, physically, emotionally, and he had done it alone. Alone.
"You don't understand," there were tears in Obi-Wan's sightless eyes. Tears of pain, tears of anger, tears of confusion. "How could you understand what I've gone through?" the apprentice flung at his Master without thinking. "You weren't there, I couldn't find you, you left me! You left me alone in that place." Obi-Wan's voice dropped to a whisper as his true pain tumbled out. As soon as it was out, he felt stupid. Good grief, had he really said that? Had he really been so childish? For a moment he was glad he could not see Qui-Gon. He did not want to see his Master's reaction to such a statement.
Qui-Gon knew Obi-Wan was not talking about their physical separation. "So that's it? You're angry with me?" he asked mildly.
"No!" Obi-Wan replied miserably, but wasn't that what he had just said? "I mean, yes, but no, but I don't... I mean... I'm sorry Master." Obi-Wan himself didn't know what he meant. He was blind, confused, in miserable pain and more upset with himself than with anyone or anything else.
Nearby they could hear the building hum of the ship's engines. Qui-Gon knew they had to go, but he could not leave the situation this way. "Obi-Wan, I'm sorry I had to break our connection, but I was hardly in a position to give the idea a lengthy debate. I did what I thought was right at the time. I tried to find you later, but you were closed to me."
"I know Master, I'm sorry," Obi-Wan shook his head miserably. "I-I didn't realize I felt that way. I don't blame you. I didn't mean to say what I did."
Qui-Gon sighed. Obi-Wan could feel the heaviness in his Master's body. He knew this time had been no easier for Qui- Gon than it had for him. He didn't blame Qui-Gon, he knew his Master had shut their connection in an effort to protect him and he knew that Qui-Gon was right about what he told him just now. But he was still blind, and helpless, and it looked as if he would always be that way.
Qui-Gon seemed about to say something, but he never got the chance. All at once a loud scream shattered the pre-dawn air.
TBC...
You are visitor # to come here since March 6, 2000.
© 2000 heather.lively@ns.sympatico.ca
Get your own Free Home Page