Title: Qui-Gon's Monthly Report
Author: Seven
Email: jsolinas@erols.com dang yes!
Summary: The events of a month from Qui-Gon's very twisted point of view.
Rating: G, I think.
Time Period: Perhaps five years before TPM, making Obi-Wan about eighteen.
Spoilers: None, Bones!
Disclaimer: I own nothing! They're all George's! Really! Please! Help!
*********
NAME: Qui-Gon Jinn
OCCUPATION: Jedi Master
OTHER: I'm not certain why I have to report this way... I'm also not certain why anyone would be interested in what I've been doing for the past month, since no one has ever asked me about it. And I'm fairly certain that I haven't caused any riots or anything recently. Perhaps the Council uses it for late-night humor reading...
DAY 1: Sat around the Temple and watched movies in reruns. Obi-Wan having nightmares about the orcs in "Lord of the Rings."
DAY 2: Went to talk to the Chancellor about a possible mission, then had to race home and wash self thoroughly because it turns out that his kids have chicken pox and I haven't had it yet. Had to take Obi-Wan shopping for socks.
DAY 3: Travelled to Malastare and arrived there in the middle of the night, due to time difference. Negotiated peace treaty, sampled local cuisine, got stomachache.
DAY 4: Returned to Coruscant and stayed up half the night, due to time difference. Got lecture from Master Yoda, who wanted to know why I was running around like a hyperactive rodent at 4AM. Wrote part of monthly report, then went out on balcony and watched the sun rise. Went back to bed.
DAY 5: Was sleep-deprived and cranky, fell asleep during breakfast and had to be slapped awake by Obi-Wan. Gave report to Council and had no memory of it afterwards.
DAY 6: Sent to Outer Rim to keep negotiations from erupting into civil war. Had to punch Hutt and injured arm, but kept there from being bloodshed. Lightsaber not working for some reason.
DAY 7: Arm healing. Lightsaber problems still a mystery, and fiddling with it with only one hand is enough to try the patience of a saint. Refused bribes from five different people today. Obi-Wan is breaking out in a mysterious itchy rash, and I'm afraid it may be chicken pox.
DAY 8: Fell down a flight of stairs and broke my ankle, so am going back to Coruscant.
Master Yoda is now fiddling with my lightsaber and figured out that I forgot to recharge it. Am feeling pretty dumb right now and really want to get away from the healers. The big muscular one named Anna in particular scares me.
DAY 9: Released from imprisonment, but told not to do heavy lifting. Sparred with Obi-Wan, and Obi-Wan accidently hit one of the other apprentices in the head with his lightsaber. We're told that his hair will grow back.
Was assigned new mission: go to Hobi IV and oversee royal wedding. Asked Master Yoda about the time difference involved and got a very weird look.
DAY 10: Arrived on Hobi IV. Obi-Wan accidently got the map of the capital upside-down so we ended up wandering around in circles forever. When we finally arrived it turned out that the hotel clerk never handed in our reservations. Had to mind-trick him into letting us have our rooms, since the alternative was sleeping in the lobby.
Took a nap, and was awakened by screaming from down the hall. Found a woman trying to keep her ex-husband and boyfriend from killing each other. Stopped the fight, called the police, went back to sleep.
DAY 11: The wedding preparations are hectic, just trying to stay out of the way. The bride-to-be, Princess Ona, is making eyes at Obi-Wan, who is pretending not to notice. Made note to self to keep him as far from the princess as possible, since the groom-to-be, Prince Daris, is somewhat jealous even though he clearly doesn't care about the princess.
Got into diplomatic discussion with the king. Interrupted by Obi-Wan being chased through palace by Daris, but he managed to hide for a while.
DAY 12: First of all, Obi-Wan has assured me that the princess was kissing him, not the other way around. Second, the Prince deserved what he got.
Returned to Coruscant after the wedding was canceled due to the bride's intentions involving another man and the groom needing hospitalization. Obi-Wan's ego severely bruised. Master Yoda greeted us at the Temple, and was closer to breaking my kneecaps than I have ever seen him before.
DAY 13: Got up, had the worst lecture from the Council that I can remember for a long time. I don't want to go into details, because I still get a little queasy when I think about it.
Sat around and watched more movies, with the occasional call from Master Yoda announcing that we botched the assignment royally. Obi-Wan made the biggest chocolate sundae for himself that I have ever seen.
DAY 14: Were sent off to Khamba, to mediate a nice trade dispute. Master Yoda began shaking his cane at us when we left. Obi-Wan tried to melt into the seat the whole time, especially when the food arrrives. I don't think I ever saw food that was comparable to my boot before.
DAY 15: Arrive at two in the morning, and I get the uneasy feeling that Master Yoda is getting sinister revenge. We wander around the capital for six hours, sightseeing in the dark. Too bad there are no guides. Got lost, and ended up six hours late, arriving at sundown.
DAY 16: Mediated trade dispute, Obi-Wan's rash returning.
DAY 17: Mediated trade dispite, rash getting much worse.
DAY 18: Stuffed the dispute and dragged Obi-Wan to a doctor's. Apparently he's allergic to transport food.
DAY 19: Finished mediating dispute and scampered home. Obi-Wan still itchy and blotchy, but clearing up fast. We both fasted during the trip home, I couldn't stand the thought of eating while he abstained.
Got home, were greeted by more-subdued Master Yoda, who admits that we did well on the dispute. Obi-Wan spends half the night in the shower.
DAY 20: Obi-Wan showering when I woke up. Minor laundry mix-up sends Obi-Wan an arthropod's clothing rather than his own. I spent half the day running around the Temple, peeking in the baskets while Obi-Wan sat in the bathroom in a towel.
DAY 21: Minor lightsaber accident ruined my pants and left a huge scorch mark on my leg. Limped to the healers but didn't have the courage to go in and admit what had happened. Went back to my room, only to find that all my other pants are missing. Patch it back together as best I can and prowl.
Obi-Wan pretty much cleared up now, but I am beginning to feel under the weather. Began coughing in the middle of the night and got a pillow in the head from the next room.
DAY 22: Was diagnosed for cold and sent back to room for bedrest. Obi-Wan enjoying everything thoroughly and is buzzing around like a mother hen.
DAY 23: Pretty much slept through the day. Have hazy memories of Obi-Wan humming and repairing new socks, and of Yoda coming in and saying, "Not taken your vitamins, you have, hmm?"
DAY 24: Reached the "lost the will to live" stage. Spent the day imploring Obi-Wan to kill me and put me out of my misery. He wouldn't, just handed me more aspirin.
DAY 25: Am restless and want to get up and around, but the healers won't let me. Sneaked out of my room and was caught by Obi-Wan right near the door. He marched me right back to my room and sat by like a guard. Am going stir-crazy.
DAY 26: Am finally released and sent off to accompany the Chancellor on a top-secret mission. Obi-Wan is thrilled with all the secrecy.
DAY 27: Are attacked by fifteen men wearing black suits while escorting the Chancellor around Coruscant. Fended them off, but the Chancellor needed hospitalization. Spent the rest of the day teaching Obi-Wan how far to swing his lightsaber when he can't see behind him and so avoid more messy mistakes.
DAY 28: Went back to the Temple, but half the Council was gone due to door malfunction that locked some of them in their rooms. The rest are sleeping out in hallways. Stake out a place near the door and play card games with Obi-Wan. Got no sleep that night, unlike Obi-Wan who was snoring a little.
DAY 29: Doors are finally open, but back aches from lying on the floor for seven hours. Finally got to report to the Council, and assure them that the Chancellor forgives Obi-Wan and is mending nicely. Master Yoda announces that we can both use a longer break, so the galaxy can recover. Not certain what he meant.
DAY 30: Sat around and watched movies. Eerily, I am getting nightmares about orcs. Obi-Wan developing a cold. Heard him coughing non-stop last night and hurled a pillow through the door. Fully expect to be begged to kill him soon, but that's the next report.
Till next month,
QUI-GON JINN, Jedi Master
CORUSCANT
NAME: Qui-Gon Jinn
OCCUPATION: Jedi Master
OTHER: I'm not certain why I have to report this way... I'm also not certain why anyone would be interested in what I've been doing for the past month, since no one has ever asked me about it. And I'm fairly certain that I haven't caused any riots or anything recently. Perhaps the Council uses it for late-night humor reading...
DAY 1: Went to talk to the Chancellor, who spilled soup down the back of the Wookiee ambassador. Minor furniture damage and emergency room care. Went back to Jedi Temple and caught Obi-Wan disassembling comlinks.
DAY 2: Managed to convince Yoda to let us have new comlinks, but he says that these are definitely the last ones and he means it this time. Obi-Wan perfecting ominous cackle. Being sent on a mission to jungle planet tomorrow, with unpronounceable name, which Obi-Wan has to write a hundred times because he wrecked the comlinks.
DAY 3: Spent day on transport watching "Deep Space Nine" reruns. Obi-Wan now obsessed with Jadzia Dax.
DAY 4: Landed on jungle planet and spent half the day waiting for our luggage to be found. Very hot and humid, can't wear robe without destroying deodorant. Trudged through jungle.
DAY 5: Woke up covered in bug bites and itching like crazy. Obi-Wan lost his socks mysteriously during the night, despite his boots still being on his feet. Keeps searching through the underbrush for them while I yell at him to keep moving.
DAY 6: Arrived at capital itchy, sweaty, icky, and minus a pair of socks. Talked to governer and requested a shower, got to a hotel. Something slimy crawled out of the shower, so relocated to different hotel. Obi-Wan bought bug spray.
DAY 7: Went swimming in hotel pool, which was wrecked when Obi-Wan did a cannonball out one of the windows (NOTE FROM OBI-WAN: Sorry!) Spent rest of day watching "Titanic" and "English Patient" and generally sinking into a coma.
DAY 8: Negotiated. Bug bites in remission.
DAY 9: Negotiated. Obi-Wan contracted stomach bug.
DAY 10: Finished negotiations and dragged ill apprentice to the transport. Spent all day watching more "Deep Space Nine" reruns and yelling at the pilot to stop making fast turns.
DAY 11: Dragged Obi-Wan to healers and reported to Council. Master Yoda congratulated us, then said that the pilots are suing the Jedi. Gave us our new assignment, to begin in three days: dealing with a workers striking on Sambas, beautiful planet of multi-tentacled purple carnivores. Yoda told me not to whine.
DAY 12: Dragged Obi-Wan to transport, watched more reruns. Told Obi-Wan that he can't have a Terry Farrell standup. Arrived on Sambas and was bitten by a local. Lots of blood until the ambulance arrived.
DAY 13: Leg healing. Workers have threatened to eat my family if I don't agree.
DAY 14: Leg healing. Employers have threatened to eat my family if I don't agree.
DAY 15: Leg almost healed. Obi-Wan had too much sugar last night and was zipping around the suites like a hyperactive hummingbird. Tried to sleep despite constant pitter-patter outside door.
DAY 16: Obi-Wan slept in till eleven. Leg is hurting, had to hop through lobby to airtaxi. Told both sides that I'm going home in two days whether they've settled their stupid argument or not. Both sides are uniting to attack the Jedi, so my work here is done. Dragged comatose Obi-Wan to overnight transport.
DAY 17: Arrived on Coruscant. Master Yoda didn't say a word, just chased me along the gantryway, waving his stick in a malevolent manner. Retired to room, only to find Obi-Wan hiding a Jadzia Dax standup in my closet. Confiscated standup, despite heartbroken pleas.
DAY 18: Master Yoda on tranquilizers. Spent most of day eating popcorn and watching nature specials about "The Life of Cats." Obi-Wan went jogging and came back with the Chancellor's chihuahua chewing on his boot. Needed a crowbar to get the thing off his leg.
DAY 19: Brought chihuahua back to Chancellor, wearing protective gloves and carrying pepper spray. He groaned and tried to hide under the desk, but thanked me anyway. Coughed loudly when I left.
DAY 20: Sambas representatives are trashing the Jedi in the Senate. Master Yoda repeatedly informing the Council that it's all my fault. Flu season has begun, so half the padawans are sniffling all the time.
DAY 21: The flu spread up to the Council, so half of them are lying in their rooms, demanding chicken soup. Obi-Wan cutting pictures of Terry Farrell from magazines. Master Yoda still on heavy tranquilizers, and is leaviung angry notes pinned to my door.
DAY 22: Obi-Wan catching the flu. Repeatedly getting nasty prank calls that insult my mother, my manners, my morals, and my method of eating eggs.
DAY 23: Watched "Deep Space Nine" reruns with Obi-Wan, ate popcorn, wrote letters to mom.
DAY 24: Flu virus is abating. Being called to Chancellor's office tomorrow, where important issue will be discussed.
DAY 25: Arrive at Chancellor's office with sniffly Obi-Wan in tow. Turns out Chancellor is having his allergic-to-dogs mother-in-law over, and a dogsitter is needed for "Chippie." Being a fearless Jedi Knight, I accepted.
DAY 26: Brought Chippie home, and Obi-Wan begged me half the afternoon to take the creature away. Found three pairs of boots chewed up, and locked Chippie outside. Yapping kept me up half the night.
DAY 27: Chippie attacked Master Yoda in the hallways for his breakfast bar. Had to peel the dog off and reassure Master Yoda that the little beast is going home tomorrow.
DAY 28: Dragged yipping Chippie to Chancellor's office, only to find that he was on vacation. Dragged Chippie back to Jedi Temple and set him loose in the garden. Heard bloodcurdling shrieks from younger padawans.
DAY 29: Chippie destroying furniture. Beginning to feel strange.
DAY 30: Woke up with flu symptoms, and small dog eating my coverlet. Obi-Wan sneaking Terry Farrell standup from my closet. But once I get better and tape Chippie to a post, I have a Chancellor to kill... will report next month, assuming I live that long.
Till next month,
QUI-GON JINN, Jedi Master
CORUSCANT
This was posted on April 21, 2001.
© 2001 heather.lively@ns.sympatico.ca
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