SEARCHING FOR MR. RIGHT

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"I hope you're a nightbird like me," Sushmita says. "Because it's going to be a long night." We are sitting in the lobby of Hotel Horizon and her strapless blood red gown is almost the shade of my cheeks. "lt's okay," I tell her. "I can't think of a better way to spend a Saturday night than with Sushmita Sen." She laughs one of those perfected laughs more than a giggle, less than a cackle that she's laughed so many thousands of times in the last two years a laughter which can convey pure joy, carefree innocence and 'please buy Coca Cola' all in one. I keep my look on her face because if I look any lower I'm afraid of what I may see. And we talk. The lighting is warm yellow and the night is young. And for a few moments l feel the Universe stop in her echoing laughter.

But here's the rub. Like in cinema, this is as far as the illusion goes. We are sitting here because Sushmita Sen is shooting the graveyard shift for Mahesh Bhatt's Dastak. It's warm and although there is a chandelier above us it looks like a set prop from a Ramsay brothers movie. There is one director, Mahesh Bhatt, his family, two assistant directors, two heroes, one TV crew, a few fans from New York, one cameraman, about 50 unit hands and spot boys and one producer, Mukesh Bhatt, milling around. Although we have a corner to ourselves and Sushmita's as friendly as hell, the busy work day atmosphere at midnight certainly extinguishes any ideas of candlelight romance. Mukul Dev and Sharad Kapoor look over from time to time. Although unspoken, it's flashing like a neon sign as to who's the star here.

The heroes can loiter about anonymously in the hotel but when Sushmita gives a shot everybody looks, when Sushmita gets out of the lift everybody turns and when Sushmita wears her drop dead red dress everybody passes by oh-so-casually. The gown is a replica of the one she wore in the Miss Universe, in the film. Sharad is an obsessed fan who trails her and Mukul is a cop whom she turns to for protection. Halfway through the inspector realises that Miss Universe was a childhood sweetheart and he is flooded with Universal love etc. etc. Since the film has her knock, knock, knocking on Bollywood's door, it seemed appropriate to ask her if she was not envisaging a solo entry leaving Mukul and Sharad out in the cold.

Are you conscious that because of the Sushmita larger-than-life background you may steal the film from them?
You know, I am more conscious of the fact that out of Mukul, Sharad and me, everybody's expectations are the highest from me. They may get away with a poor performance but for my first film they'll expect a Madhuri Dixit. People would want me to be perfect in every way because of the Miss Universe title.

Is that a challenge or a fear?
It's definitely not a fear. Because if it were a fear I would not have joined the industry. Because I can't live with that fear 24 hours of the day. It's more of a challenge because you know, so far in life I've always believed ... the first time I won Miss India I said to myself, 'Hey, I got real lucky!' When I won Miss Universe I said, 'Wow, I can't believe this. But no, I can't be lucky twice.' Like here, it's a new profession and it's a new challenge for me. If I can make it here then I have said to myself, 'Yes! I tried this, I was good at it. I tried that, I was good at it.' And after that it's all right! (laughs) No more challenges for me!

As a model one already has a tag of being a non actress. How do you rate yourself in the acting department?
I think I've come very close to disappointing a lot of people who think that a model cannot be an actress. People who have previewed the film say you have turned in a brilliant performance. I have not given a brilliant performance. Please don't even say things like that. Let people not expect that out of me because I cannot be very, very good in my first film. Maybe I'm just good for a debutant but that's about it. And that's enough for me I'm not greedy. And I'm not being modest or any shit like that but I have got a lot to learn. As of today my work is very, very average.


"PEOPLE EXPECT ME TO BE A MADHURI DIXIT IN MY VERY FIRST FILM."

But yes, I have put my heart and soul into it.

I have never had any acting classes or any dancing classes. I may not know how to give the perfect look or the perfect sigh or the perfect angle but I wanted it to be spontaneous, I wanted it to be real.


In your very first film you are playing yourself, Miss Universe. This must be the strangest debut ever.
I'm very glad that happened. For the rest of my life I'll be able to cherish the fact that I actually started a new life where I ended an old life. I said on stage when I gave away my crown, 'I shall not say goodbye today as I give away my crown because every ending has a new beginning.' And for me this is a new beginning. And a perfect circle.
Secondly, contrary to what people might think, it's the toughest thing to play myself on screen. Because when you play a character you can read, study, understand and play it. And it's this huge challenge for me because I want people to relate to me as Sushmita even on screen even while I'm acting which is very, very difficult.

When you say you want people to relate to Sushmita, do you mean Sushmita as inseparable from the Miss Universe title?
She's very different from Miss Universe! It's just a part of her life that happened and went by. It's a title, it's a crown that added something and took away something. But Sushmita is Sushmita she was one before she won Miss Universe. She's the same without the crown and with the crown; the person hasn't changed.

I don't buy that person-hasn't-changed bit. You must have changed for better or worse.
Yes, I got a lot of confidence, I became more worldly wise, I have become a stronger person because of this experience.

Dastak as a debut was a happy coincidence. You get to play yourself but where do you go from here? I can't imagine you playing a bimbo running around the conifers.
This is where I have to face the fact that I am an actress and I have to play all these different roles. Because no matter what you feel about a person, every person is a bimbo sometime or the other in their life. No one is always a smart person, you are a bimbo sometimes and that's what makes you human. You are a part of everything, every emotion that exists, every characteristic of a human is built within you. So I should be able to play a bimbo as well as I play a sophisticated, mature woman otherwise I'm a very incomplete actress.

Are you happy with the kind of roles you have been offered?
That's the reason I haven't signed too many films. I got about 22 offers when I joined the industry, today I have only six films in my hand: Dastak, a South film called Rakshagan, Ajay Devgan's Hindustan Ki Kasam, and one each with Govinda, Sunny and Jackie whose names haven't been decided.

Again in Hindustan Ki Kasam you play Miss Universe. Deja vu?
That's very, very different. That's just for the s'ake of storyline. We required somebody to be a celebrity so why should I play anything besides myself? So I'm not really playing Sushmita Sen, Miss Universe.

How different is playing Miss Universe on screen from the real thing?
In real life it's very spontaneous the way you smile, the way they ask for an autograph, the way they look at you whether it's with love or envy. But here you know exactly what's happening. Who's going to ask for an autograph, who's going to smile at you and how you're going to smile back. You're very predictable.

The Miss Universe title looks like it's going to remain with you stuck with superglue.
You know, it's very good that it does because it will always remind me whenever I'm going to do something crappy that I can't afford to do it. I worked so hard for that one thing and if today people have a certain amount of respect for me it's because of that one moment of glory not because I'm an actress today, not because I was Miss India yesterday, not because I was a model five years ago. I just want people to believe in me the way they believed in me. And I won't let them down.

And what is 'me'?
How do I describe myself? I think I'm very childish, very mature both at the same time; very independent physically and mentally; very strong with a lot of weaknesses I'm sure. I'm very passionate about everything I do. I love life I'm a life hog.

Here's my description: You're just a little girl who likes to dress up and party, and then sometimes to say things that shock people. How accurate am I?
I'm very much a little girl and I'm sure I'll be for the rest of my life. But the little girl has come to a point in her life where everyday it's become not her choice but a compulsion to dress up. So that's become mechanical now. It's not like somebody dresses up in her mom's outfit, it's not like that anymore; it started off like that. But today Sushmita has to put it on. The little girl has grown up and the little girl has to make a living.



"I HAVE A VERY STRONG KILLER INSTINCT"

You don't seem to be a ruthless in person. Do you have the killer instinct that's so necessary in this industry?
Very strong one. But see, it doesn't change the person that I am. Yes, I do have a very strong killer instinct but I don't believe in being ruthless unless the situation really requires it. And if you are surviving in this industry where you don't have Godfathers you have to have one, so that people don't take you for a ride. I wouldn't have gotten this far if I didn't have it. There's nothing wrong in it, because if you don't have that extra edge or that extra energy you can't compete in life. That's what I call killer instinct.


Sushmita's girl friend, Vineeta, a model and ber co-star in her South film is there with her, eyelids heavy and head dropping off to sleep. lt is past midnight. "Let's play cards," Sushmita suggests to wend off her friend's boredom. A pack of cards appears magically from her bags. Half seriously, I hold up four cards: The ace, the king, the queen and the joker. "Which do you identify with?" I ask Sush.
"The ace," she replies without a flicker of hesitation.
"Why ?"
"Because it's the best, that's why," she says dead seriously.
"That's so ..." arrogant is the word I want to say, but decide not to. "Wouldn't it be more nicer to say, 'the Joker'?"
"Why?" she intractibly defends. "The joy of getting a king, queen and an ace is much more than the joy of getting a king, queen and a joker."
I deal. We play flush. As if to prove her point, for three games continuously she gets aces and wins. The fourth game she gets aces and a joker and she throws the joker away and still wins.

You have been breaking quite a few film industry taboos in the last few months. Are you saying these shocking things just for effect?
We all do things behind closed doors and when somebody talks about it, it shocks people. That shocks me.

So something shocks Sushmita!
Yeah, sure it does. If somebody comes to ask me about my film I can talk on a professional level. But when you come to interview Sushmita the person, you have to accept Sushmita as she is.

You are aware that it is a 'bad career move'?
But when you come and ask personal questions then you can't think it'll be bad for my career or good for my career. You're talking to a person and a person can be any which way. If it is bad for my career, then it's just too bad.

So you've never made a move to clear out the rumours about you.
No, how many people can you go and shut up. I'm just very clear to my conscience. I'm headstrong and I know my mind.
I love and respect this profession because it gives me my bread and butter. But beyond that I'm a person, you're a person. I'm not in this profession because I have nothing better to do. I'm in this profession because I chose to. Nobody forced me in here, nobody is going to force me out of here. I'm going to do exactly what I did earlier. The only difference is earlier mostly nice things were written about me. Now it's more gossipy, more personal. I haven't changed and the people close to me know that very well. It really hurts them and they keep complaining to me, 'Why don't you call a press conference?'

For example it is rumoured that you are a narcissist.
So everybody is. You've got to love yourself to love somebody else, I believe in that very strongly. I think I have been called a narcissist because people think, 'Oh she video records her own work' and all that. But people forget that it's because of that video taping I have been able to sit at home with my director, Mr Mahesh Bhatt, and see my own work and find out my flaws. And if that's narcissism, that's fine. When it looks good on screen people are not going to call it narcissism, they're going to call it talent.

"I don't hate Akshay. If I said anything about him, it's for his own good."

Rumour No. 2: Sushmita Sen hates Akshay.
Hate Akshay? Hate is a very strong emotion and I don't hate anybody that much. If I have said something that sounded like I hate him, that's wrong. I've only said it for his own good. I have nothing against him. I don't know him well enough to hate him.

But don't such rumours anger you'?
I am such a person that I won't show my anger. But the day I do, I will be really furious. I can't bark to every article that comes out. But the day I bark I'll bark real loud. I don't think there will ever be the need for that. When my films come out and my work is good then people will stop focussing on my personal life and focus on what they should be focussing on – my acting.

"Let's play rhyming," Sushmita suggests.
"I'll start, okay. Oh, what a nice day."
"I pray," her friend continues.
"I heard my mother say," I pithily pipe in.
Sushmita thinks long and hard with a far- away look of concentration. Then she raises her hand and adds, "I heard my mother say ... life is like a sun's ray. While the sun shines you've got to make your hay."
Another round.
I start, "Money don't matter tonight."
Sushmita: "Oh, that's such a fright."
Vineeta: "With what else will you fight?"
Sushmita: "Because money is might."
Another round. Sushmita: "You had to say goodbye."
Vineeta: "I thought with a sigh."
Me: "I never asked you why."
Sushmita: "You made me cry."

Are you sensitive? Do you ever cry easily when you get hurt?
I don't cry anymore. I used to ... really badly. In front of people I would start off and you'd just see tears rolling down my cheeks before you know what's happening. Today I'm a very strong person. If something affects me I would cry but usually by myself. And crying to me is not out of self pity or sympathy for myself. It's a way of releasing the tension. It's important for me to cry. Crying is very healthy, you should let it happen to you once in a while. Whenever you're angry with someone, you should try letting the anger come down with the tears it sobers down the anger.

That's Sen philosophy for you.
(Flattered laugh) Oh, I'm a very philosophical person. I look at everything like it's happening because something good is going to come out of it. Even if something goes wrong I think, 'Chote mein tal gayi – it could have been worse. Maybe I just got a cut and avoided a huge accident.' A smart person is one who learns from the very first time he makes a mistake.

But is there always a learning?
You don't agree? Tell me why.

One can be, for example, in a relationship which does not work out. And then go ahead and make the same mistakes again. It happens all the time.
I don't know what the reasons for the particular relationship not working out maybe. But I do know in life that today it is better for a relationship to break than tomorrow because everyday you get closer to the person. Everyday adds something more to the relationship so it's for the best. Maybe it'll make the other person happy, maybe it'll make you happy. Maybe you'll end up with a nicer person.

That's wishful thinking.
No, it happens, believe me it happens. Everytime you think you've found the ultimate person, you can't get anybody better, you get one. And you will be better for that somebody else.

So you believe there is a perfect person for everybody?
Everybody, I believe, has that person who fits. Some people get it in one go, some people get it after getting married and divorced, some people get it in their childhood, but I'm very sure there is one or more persons who are perfect for you. It's like a jigsaw puzzle and when the pieces fit you just know it.

The question that's begging to be asked is: Have you found the perfect person?

Not as yet. I'm not looking but like I said, I know he's going to come my way.

I thought Vicky was the one.
What I share with Vicky is something beautiful. But that does not mean we are perfectly compatible.

For some reason this sounds really sad the dry, certainty of the statement that solidifies what might have been floating thought into a stamped and sealed fate. To cheer me up Sushmita says with her brightest smile, "See? I have something amazing waiting for me. That's why it's not happening. Waiting is always good. Because the end result is great. I'm still young. I've got so many years ahead of me. And believe me, when I find that person you'll be the first to know."

So when it happens you will know?I'll know, I'm very sure I'll know. Because I know myself and I'm very clear about what I want.

This picture of what you want is the misty fantasy the little girl dreamed about? Or has it evolved over the years?
Yes, it has evolved. When she was young she wanted just goodlooking hunks. Looks were all that mattered; Today, brains matter a whole lot more. A man who has a lot of class, a lot of intelligence, who I can talk to, whom I can learn from. A man who involves me in everything he does so that – in the truest sense I share his life with him. A man who's caring and who loves kids and animals. So tomorrow if I want to adopt a kid he should have no problems.

Maybe you need a man who will adopt you first.
(Laughs) Yeah, that's a great idea because I would want him to treat me like a kid sometimes. And sometimes like a woman, of course.

So all you eligible guys out there ...
Yeah, this is like 'Sushmita calling!'

Even when I read a couple of articles a few years ago I felt where are you? I'm here. I'm the girl for you and you're the right man for me. But it doesn't work like that. You get to know a person over a period of time. And that's the sign of love if you accept his faults with the same smile with which you accept his good qualities. Because after all nobody's perfect. I know I'm not.

After pack up she goes to her make up room with the fervour of a schoolgirl after the last study period of the day. "Freedom!" she yells once inside; most unladylike.
"Quick," she tells her make up man. "Make me human again." Now she's playful.
"You are not understanding what I'm saying only," she babbles teasingly to him.
"Are you understanding only? No, only? I know, only." When she's happy she makes it hard to remember she's a Miss Universe and lndia's only – if you know what l mean only.
The whole world has gone to sleep, it seems, when we leave in her black Cielo with Vikram Bhatt on the front seat and her friend, Vineeta behind. A die hard music junkie, Sushmita puts on a cool South lndian Rahmanesque number. The car moves with a soft whoosh. "Let's play them our song," Sushmita tells her friend. "You know what I mean, don't you Vineeta~" After a series of pips and clicks comes the start of 'King of Wishful Thinking' bittersweet soul from the soundtrack of Pretty Woman.

The yellow halogens swim overhead like nighttime trees. From the backseat I can barely see Sushmita's profile mouthing the words:
"I'll get over you, I know I will ..."
The road is quiet and silver grey. An anonymous white Maruti comes close to kissing the paint off the side of our car.
'Jesus!" Sushmita swears as she swerves and loses her rhythm. "Did you see that?" The white Maruti speeds on ahead looking rather small and defenceless on the wide empty road. Vikram Bhatt: "That was Bhushan." Bhushan Arya is the hip, young cameraman of the film and a good friend. Sushmita: "That was Bhushan~!" She puts her foot down on the accelerator. The speedo-meter wends to the green fluorescent bar between 80 and 100. One, two, three, four signals pass by in a blur but the Maruti remains ahead. Seeing a police van patrolling the streets Sushmita slows down a little, then as she reaches alongside zooms off again in pursuit. A few seconds later she passes alongside Bhushan, waves up and flies away again.
The inflight music changes to 'Must have been love' by Roxette. "So far," she says, "only one person can beat me at racing and that is ..." She hesitates so I guess who it is. "... Vicky. He beats the shit out of me." A lone policeman at a turning leans ahead to stop the car, sees the driver and changes his mind, smiling.
The car stops inside the gate of her building. We loiter in the compound which overlooks the sea. Sushmita does a little twirl and raises her hands to Heaven. "Life is so beautiful! You know, from my room you can only see the sea. I just love the ocean." She is filled with new energy now that she's near home the little girl has earned her money for the day. Now she will tuck herself in, she says. She knows she won't get sleep now but just the thought of tucking herself in is so-o-o pleasant.
"What time is it?" she asks as she walks me to the gate. I check my watch. It's about three. "Good," she says. "Dad will be asleep in his room. But then my dogs will just go bow-wow and he'll poke his head through the door with a grin as if to say, 'I know what time you came home.' And he'll have such a smirk on his face."
We shake hands politely. And Sushmita walks back towards the sea.
ALIF SURTI

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