Dr. Gas,

Every time my friends come over and I set up for a "blue flame," I always come out with one of those slient farts that smells really bad.

I have been eating an average of five Taco Bell bean burritos with sour cream beforehand. One time I had ten and pushed so hard that I shit my pants.

I have shot flames out of my ass that were as high as five feet, but never in front of my friends. What gives?

Sincerely,

Jason M. in Newark, NJ

Jason,

The good news is that you are able to shoot tall flames at times. That indicates to me that the problem you are experiencing is not physical, but mental.

Performance anxiety is common among people of all ages. The best way around it is to practice your technique with somebody that you trust, perhaps a significant other who understands the problem.

Share this letter with your wife or girlfriend. Explain to her that even the best of us occasionally have a "silent but deadly" day where we can't get a light for anything. I'm sure she'll be understanding of your problem and help you to work through it. If not, ditch her. She's not worth it!

Jason, you're good enough to make this happen! It has happened for you in the past! You just have to believe in yourself.

Let me know how it goes!

Dr. Gas