WES CRAVEN PRESENTS
DRACULA II: THE ASCENSION

Hellooooooo,

This is TV’s DOCTOR Sarcofiguy with yet again, (again wit da reviews) ANOTHER review! YAY, buddy! 

I got my hands on a preview copy of a soon to be released (April 15th), straight to video film. What it said on the box for Wes Craven Presents DRACULA II: The Ascension: “The thrilling follow-up to the $33 MILLION Hit DRACULA 2000!” Presented by thrillmaster WES CRAVEN!   

Jason Scott Lee, Jason London, Craig Sheffer, Brande Roderick(?!)

-plus-

LEGENDARY Roy Scheider 

Legendary?! Since when did Roy Scheider become legendary? Last thing I saw him in was that tired flop show SEA QUEST! And thankfully that show was SEA-questered away from the world forever! Won’t ever see that damned thing on the SCI FI channel, it’s so bad!  

Back to Dracula II: The Ascension. Your good doctor was a very, very bad audience for Dracula II. He had fond memories of Dracula 2000, with all its cool art direction, and even more intriguing plot twist. That Dracula was not only just Dracula. He was apparently an ancient entity who was called by many different nom de plumes, APPELLATIONS, over the centuries! But his first, and actual moniker was: JUDAS. The very same Judas that dropped the dime on Jesus way back in the day, when there was a day to be in the back of!   

Anyway, DRACULA II: The Ascension takes places after the climactic scenes where Dracula is left dangling, and burning from a cross down in ‘Nawleans’! He’s cut down from the cross (cuz they needed the fire wood?) and he is immediately taken to the morgue. Forensics deftly surmises, after cutting Dracula open, that honey lamb is a vampire, cuz his innards appear devoid of all signs of ever having blood in its system. Since they all was down in ‘Nawleans’, I didn’t bat an eye (neither my left, nor my right) when they made that leap in logic. ‘Nawleans’, after all, is Vodoun/Zombie/Vampire country. Don’t act like ya don’t know! I mean RILLY, now! 

While their anxiously pouring over the facts of life (don’t go there!), and ‘unlife’ at the operating table, forensics gets a phone call:  

“You’ve got a most valuable find on your table. If you wrap him up, and bring him to us, we’ll give you several million dollars!” 

“No problem!” says forensics.  

Meanwhile, there is a renegade priest, played by Jason Scot Lee of Dragon: The Bruce Lee Story, who is after Dracula. He was charged by an arch bishop played by the LEGENDARY ROY SCHEIDER, in the smallest role ever seen in screen history, since Bela Lugosi in Plan Nine From Outer Space, (I may be wrong, I say, I may be wrong, but I’m tryin’ ta prevaricate to prove my point, sugars!). Scheider explains the history of Dracula. And how the only way he can be saved is to save his soul, not necessarily by staking him in the heart. Scheider goes on to explain yet another glaring inconsistency I noticed in the film. Dracula ain’t the same Dracula from Dracula 2000! It’s a different actor, altogether!  

Scheider as the archbishop explains: “His appearance changes after each regeneration!” OOOOH, just like DOCTOR WHO! Me loves meself some WHO, honey chiles! 

Anyway, Dracula is carted away to this old warehouse, where he is tortured, and plundered of his blood supply for its possible restorative properties. For you see the terrible, terrible actor Craig Scheffer, of Nightbreed fame, is suffering from some type of crippling palsy that has confined him to a wheelchair. They tell him that he’s gonna turn him into a vampire, regardless of it’s healing capabilities. 

“Evil is a state of mind!” he says. “Evil be damned!” basically. Yeah.  

Long story short: Scheffer gets his blood. And when he gets hit with that first ray of sunlight, shorty is serious sore about it, I tellya! PISSED, honey! Dracula escapes! Gets his revenge, even. Lo and behold, folks are turned into vampires! And preternatural abilities are cheaply, if not interestingly, displayed. It all reminded me of an episode of that t.v. show, Forever Knight. I’m sorry to say, the t.v. show was much better. There was some interesting dialogue here and there, but the situations were just run of the mill stuff. My belief, if you gonna do the tried and true, at least give me good dialogue. And if’n you ain’t gonna give me good dialogue, give me visuals that’ll knock me inta next week! It just wasn’t enough of either to really say, “Ah, this is good!” 

And then I’m mad cuz they tried to horse me in on the cast! Roy Scheider! Aw, I could punch him! And Jason Scott Lee! He actually proved to be quite an interesting, Asian version of Blade! If Mr. Lee’s agent is reading this: “Find that boy a proper VEHICLE, chile! How ya gonna get your 10 percent if’n ya keep puttin’ him in dreck! He’s way cooooool.” As for Jason London. He’s one of those underrated actors who’s slowly starting to accomplish that unfortunate Patrick Swayze/Mickey Rourke type career. An occasional blip on the radar. Then flat line. Tobey Maguire pulled himself outta that slump. So did Kiefer Sutherland. And, so . . . can . . . YOU Jason, dear. Yessss! 

So, I give DRACULA II: The Ascension 1 Czar out of a possible 4 Czars, simply because of Jason Scott Lee!  

BYEDIE BYE, yall! 

-Doc Sarcofiguy!

Back to Video Reviews>>>