LEGION OF THE DEAD

Hellooooo,

This is Fairfax cable's Doctor Sarcofiguy giving you yes, YET another sparkling review!

Now lissen, kiddies. The good Doctor has a philosophy about films. Yes, he does! His philosophy is simply this: There are no such things as bad movies . . . only bad audiences! And lemme tellya, folks, the good Doctor was a very, very, bad audience for the movie Legion of the Dead!

Ah, but when you get inside. Lemme tellya the plot(s).

Basically, Legion of the Dead is a story of sinister beings, culling individuals from the living herd for some type of final confrontation. The film opens up during Christ's era, and you do indeed believe that it's the Messiah hisself, along with a few of his apostles. There were only seven, at this point, attending him. Apparently, he had yet to collect the other five. Anyway, Jesus (I'm using the Spanish pronunciation. I don't think the good Lord was actually billed in the closing credits), 'Hayzeus' and his retinue discover a heap of messy bodies, all torn limb from limb. Rent asunder, I say! Apparently there is a survivor.

And 'Hey-Seuss' spaketh unto this individual. "What is your name . . . ?"

We cut to the present day where we meet two, grey suited gentlemen. One, an accident prone, Eugene Levy type, and the other, a kind of older, country hick kinda guy, with a ponytail, and a wrinkly, squinched up, Grandma Moses countenance. FACE, that is! They have this fella tied to a chair. Squinched Face is asking the prisoner how he wants to be killed, because he's got a virtual booFAY of guns, and cutlery, splayed out before the prisoner for his perusal!

Well, we're to find out that this prisoner is one tough sumbitch, because of all his bullying of kids, and petty larceny, when he was but a tike! Turns out he's a perfect candidate for the grey suited captors mysterious army, and they kill him. But, only after 'Eugene' drunkenly cleaves his thumb off whilst slicing some fruit.

Oh, the petty bickering between the two "Demon Recruiters." How 'Eugene' is always terribly inebriated whilst on duty. How, like Barney Fife, he's always shooting himself in the foot, or cutting himself. Or getting himself accidently mowed over by moving, or stationery modes of conveyance. Parked cars, that is! Heck, there's even tense commentary between the two on their drab apparel, and how they should acquire more dynamic attire (ooooh, I'm RHYMING AGAIN!). What they end up wearing in lieu of the grey suits is quite laughable, actually. So laughable that their next victims do in indeed chortle gaily. Which gets them killed in the process!

Ah, but there are more characters!

There's the two, hapless, Abbott and Costello type characters who are picked up on the highway by a mad, gun toting, highway killer, who frequently goes into terrible seizures, with the 'customary' gout of thick, oatmeally substances, churning fitfully from his mouth. When the mad Highwayman has one of his episodes while on the road, the two goons are comically reluctant to rescue themselves:

"He's having another seizure!" says one. "Get the gun!"

"I don't want to," says the other. "he's got all that STUFF coming out of his mouth!"

Bless them, they deserved to die, right then and there. But, they are afforded another opportunity to face death later on at the bar where all the thinly disguised, demonic freaks seem to secretly hang out. But, not all the freaks are out to mete out death. Oh no! There's this comely barkeep by the name of Genna, who has this most startling secret. That she's a million years old. That she was born of an extinct, yet immortal race of beings. How does a race of immortal beings suddenly up and die? Well, I'll tellya. They were tired of living, and some fellow named Togaio, played by that fella who was the villain in that move "We Come In Peace", created something called a Genetic Death Virus that wiped out Genna's, seemingly grateful, species.

Turns out "We Come In Peace Guy" has been following our heroine for some millennia, for she is the last of her kind. And it seems that his ultimatum is this: Either she faces her destiny, and joins with him forever, or he's going to kill her!

Choices, choices!

Now, you're asking yourself, "Why are the two grey suited guys recruiting an army?!" Like I know! The plot is all over the place! It is! But, it's filmed nicely. I think it would have made for a better book, because I love stories that start one place, and end up somewhere else. Good prose, with unexpected turns. Yes! But, I don't necessarily like to watch it, if it ain't handled with the best of care. Once again, I was a very bad audience for this movie. I just couldn't appreciate the way it was edited. Was totally disrespectful to the unfrightening make-up, and effects. It's leaden timing as respects to its humor. Though, there are some funny moments in the movie. But, again, it's all about timing.

The scene that exhibited the best, most perfect timing, was when 'Eugene' of the demonic recruiters is walking behind his partner, and he stops to stand on a manhole cover.

"Get away from that," says 'Eugene's' partner. "With your luck it'll collapse!"

'Eugene' ignores his partner's warning, and begins to jump up and down on the manhole cover, ever so defiantly! Well, nothing happens, until he moves off the cover. The manhole opens, and tilts inward, like a quarter spinning slowly on its side. A motorcycle approaches, and crashes upon the tilted cover, throwing the cyclist a few yards away.

'Eugene' runs to the cyclist limp form. "Oh! This is great! This one's mine! Mine for the legion!" The motorcycle explodes, completely obliterating 'Eugene' and the cyclist!

I laughed till I cried! Rewound it, and laughed some more! Didn't know a motorcycle could explode like an atom bomb like that!

So, what kinda rating do I give Legion of the Dead? You weren't paying attention were you?! I can't rate the movie, because I was a bad audience! So I can't give the movie any Czars out my customary four Czar rating system!

It's only fair, I think!

-DOC SARCOFIGUY!

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