MASSACRE

Helloooooo,

This is Channel 12's, Fairfax Cable, Northern Virginia’s very own DOCTOR SARCOFIGUY givin’ ya yet, hah HAAAAAA, another review!

Well kiddies, the good doctor has a motto that he’s stuck by for some time now: ‘There are no such things as bad movies, only bad audiences!’ Well the good doctor (well, I don’t know how good a doctor I am. I keep sayin’ that I’m a ‘good doctor’, but I haven’t practiced in a month of Sundays! Business is very slow. Yes it is!) was a very bad audience for the movie MASSACRE!

And before you can say "drip drip drip, little golden shower," a steady stream of urine interrupts the placidly sun bathing butterfly. Irritated, it takes off. As I sat there, I was left to wonder what other predicament, trials and travails even, that the poor thing would endure throughout the rest of the film. Alas, I would not know the poor wee butterfly’s fate. It’s the fate of the two campers who happen upon a man lying dead with a knife in his chest I am coerced into enduring.

It is the fates of those sad individuals in the flashback scenes I’m forced to endure, as well. Along with, I say! These individuals I speak of are a group of friends on their way to the woods for a little weekend camping trip. As with most horror films, there are busty girls. Well one of the busty girls sees the apparition of her father on the road. He’s a blood-caked mess, he is. And the girl has all these horrendous dreams, signs and portents, where she kills her friends, and leaves the bodies on the highway.

Another busty girl is having visions of herself walking down some train tracks, nearly nekkid, and of desperate need of an anticoagulant! She’s got blood coming out of her eyes, nose and mouth. And she’s walking in rickety fast motion, with radio static, and baby noise as incidental racket for the scene. It’s supposed to disturb you, honey. To make you feel uneasy and shudder. So SHUDDER, dammit!

There’s a twirling pitchfork and a hatchet superimposed over the credits! Did I say that?!

It’s a bit of foreshadowing! People get killed off, yah know? One by one. By the self same twirling pitchfork, and hatchet! When the people get killed, it’s actually good, because they actually use a fair amount of blue screen to give you the real actors . . . dead like. A girl gets her arms and legs chopped off, and it’s a good visual effect, cuz it’s really her wriggling and writhing from a tree, divinely limbless. Yessssss!

There’s a twist ending to Massacre that I won’t want to give away. I should give it away simply because the movie is a ponderous, poorly acted kinda thang. Something I’m unaccustomed to seeing in a Brain Damage Film production. All I can say for the film is, the special effects were interesting. And if’n you like implied frontal, and exact dorsal, nudity, (no, I’m not talking about dolphins, FOOL! I’m talking ‘backtal’ nudity here! On PEOPLE! Ah, nobody cares about dorsal nudity anymore! Sounds like a book title . . . hhmmmmm . . . ) then you get your fair share of everybody’s bare backsides, and orifices, honey chile!

So, other than seeing some good decapitations, and some fun buns, I can’t give Massacre any Czar ratings, cuz I was simply too bad an audience for the film. Naughty, naughty me!

-DOC SARCOFIGUY

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