I have anorexia/bulimia. I thought about what I could say that would be inspiring or scare kids out of treating their bodies like crap, but from my experience, that doesn't work. So I can only tell you the horror I've been through these past six years. I can't believe it's been six years already! I don't remember much of the past six years. I've made myself numb to so many things, hiding behind my tired, sick, starving body. Every day I become more and more engrossed in this disorder that has literally robbed me of my highschool, and now my college years. If I sound angry it's just because for the first time in six years I'm allowing myself to feel...and feeling 6 years worth of stuff hurts a lot. I am literally learning how to feel again. What I wouldn't do to have those years back. They were supposed to be the most wonderful years of my life. Well, guess what! They weren't. So I have decided to make my twenties the most wonderful years of my life! I'm determined to beat this monster one way or the other. I'm sick of hating myself, thinking I'm ugly, and having no self esteem! I'm sick of being up all night because I'm so hungry and being too weak in the morning to do anything! I'm sick of trying to be perfect! I need to allow myself to make mistakes and forgive myself for them. I am really excited, and really, really terrified that I have decided to talk to the eating disorders specialist on campus. I have to wait a few weeks until I'm officially a student again. But when I do that I am going to go into that office and come clean about everything. I want to be able to love myself and feel love from others. There's a line from an Alanis Morisette song that says "You treat me like I'm a princess, I'm not used to liking that." It's true, I don't feel like I deserve to be treated like a princess. I feel like I've been given too much already. Maybe now that I've been rambling, I should include my story as well...how I became anorexic. The matriarchs in my family have modelled for generations. So if you haven't figured out by now, in my family looks are very important. I have hypothyroid, so growing up I was always told how beautiful I could be rather than how beautiful I was. In May of 1990 I joined a religious cult (which I was in for 4 1/2 years.) According to them my weight was a sin. I had to slim down. In December of 1990 I was raped. A few weeks later my grandmother gave me Ultra Slim Fast for Christmas. That was the day I decided to make my family proud. I was going to be the thinnest of them all. I also had a lot of guilt because my mother was thin through her 3 other children but when it was my turn she became fat. It was my fault she was fat, at least that's how I saw it. All these things compiled, plus the fact that I'm suspected of having OCD (obsessive compulsive disorder) lead to my eating disorder.
I weigh myself literally 30-40 times a day. If I think I weigh too much I won't even allow myself water until I almost pass out. I spend hours working out...4, maybe 5 hours a day. My whole life has become eating disorder rituals and I am so sick of it! I want my life back! I will get my life back no matter what I have to do or how long it takes to do it. I am very confused right now, but one thing I know is that I will survive and I will turn this awful thing into experience. I will learn from it and move on to the next chapter of my life.
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This page was created on February 1, 1996
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