PLAIN TALK
by Dorothy H. Stiefel
"I'm Angry!"
What, really, is ANGER?
I perceive anger as raw emotion begging for a
channel toward appropriate action. We all can
attest to seeing or hearing about anger being
vented as unrestrained, physical violence. But
anger in the form of verbal abuse is not only
obnoxious, sometimes
frightening to an unwitting victim, but I believe that a person who is
always "angry" is victimizing himself as well as others. He is, in fact,
his own worst enemy.
One might think that these victims are actually weak, but author/psychiatrist
Martin G. Groder, M.D., quoted in Bottom Line, says
"some victims are strong-willed people who get angry when they
can't control others--'angry victims.' These individuals expect a lot
from friends and loved ones, but have little tolerance for the expectations
of others, therefore, they blame others for their problems.
Sounds to me like an uneven game of give-and-take.
ANGER is an end product of many underlying ingredients--past,
present, or a mixture thereof. Provoked externally or from within, this
emotional energy can spout or explode at any given moment. What's
going on?
The coals of anger lie buried in one's mental recesses until it is
inflamed by the dredges of memory, of old, but not forgotten, haunts
of the past. I call them "life scripts." A psychologist once asked me to
define "script behavior." I told him that as a child I was told to do
certain things in a very specific way. Any deviation from the "script"
was a disobedience. I was taught to think and act the way my mother
wanted me to behave. This pattern stayed with me throughout my
early married life, the time when most young married couples have
many arguments. I soon learned that my "script" and my husband's
were incompatible and I needed to do a major "rewrite" in order to
effect a cohesive relationship.
When I get angry, I try to think about the real reason for my
anger, and attempt to put it into proper perspective. For instance,
when I am displaying anger, what is the actual source for the out¬
burst? When I act defensive, what is the reason behind my behavior?
I can recognize some situations when the action seems to stem from
my inability to function well in my daily activities. The frustration
leads to reverting to the "script." Other times, the anger is like a slow
"burn" that gradually builds up to an explosive level of stress. That's
when I go out and take a long walk. Other times, especially when my
energy level is down, my frustration level diminishes to passivity. I
usually stop what I'm doing and relax in front of the TV set (which
usually induces a short nap.)
Many readers relate of their anger. They share their fear, their
frustrations, and their depression as they endeavor to cope in a
healthy manner to the dysfunctional ways that RP impacts their
personal lives and that of their family relationships. Some call
themselves RP "victims." Farmily members often feel anger because
of their inadequacy to do something about RP, to "fix" the problem.
Other family members avoid risk-taking in addressing issues as they
arise. It is easier to pretend it doesn't exist. Anger becomes their
blindfold.
A letter from one of our reader/members was very candid about
her family relationship. She says:
"One morning after church service I realized some
things. The sermon was on dysfunctional families--denial
and burial of problems. ...it made me realize some things
about my family, and some things I have buried and not
come to terms with. I need to do some deep soul
searching. My family and I are not very close and they
don't give me any support at all. ...I will definitely be
talking with my counselor about it. I bet it will be very
painful, but growth usually is! I know that from
experience."
She also spoke about the shock and anger she felt after learning she
had lost more vision. She attended a church retreat and said: "An
inner peace has come to me and I hope it will continue."
Another reader states that her "safety net" is doing volunteer
work--helping others. Years ago, when I first learned of my diagnosis,
I channeled my chaotic thoughts and emotional grief into the joy of
being a devoted homemaker. After the children were grown and had
left home to pursue their own lives, I filled the void by entering the
world of helping others through organizational work.
Lynda Johnson, president of the CA RP Support Group in San
Mateo, CA, and editor of their newsletter, Reaching People, found
that music relieved much of her unwanted stress. She is quoted in
their newsletter Reaching People:
"The art form of music has been my saving grace... .The
transitions I must make as my visual abilities decrease,
involve me in a continuous cycle of denial, anger,
depression, and acceptance. ...The various dynamics of
music help smooth out the rough edges of each transi¬
tional stage."
Over the years, I have learned some tips to help keep from
becoming an 'angry victim':
- Go easy on yourself. Recognizing your problem is the first
step toward resolution. Be open with other people as well as yourself.
- Let others know you are angry; get it down to the talking
level. Feelings are important, and the people you are close to need to
know them (in a non-intimidating way that must be reciprocal for
ultimate improvement).
- Recognize when you are out of sync. Tell the person "I am
angry!" Then work toward staying in the safe place, the even-keel
"golden zone."
I find solace in the numbers. I find comfort knowing I have so
much to be thankful for in spite of what makes me "crazy" at times.
The inevitability of human nature's complexities will always be a part
of life, but I am very aware of my shortcomings, and zealously work to
channel my energies in a more positive way. And, I suspect that my
spouse has to be grateful for that!
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