"Which language is right for you?" by Simon Walmsley and Steve Suttles

In order to help you make a competent, uncomplicated choice concerning
the competition between complex, incompatible computer compilers, we
have composed this complete, compact, composite compendium comprising
comparisons to compensate for the complaints and complements of their
compromises.  We hope you will find it comprehensible rather than compost.

6502            You shoot yourself in the foot.

68000           You can't decide which gun and which bullet to use, so
                you hang yourself.

8080            You foot yourself in the shoot.

Z80...

Ada             The Department of Defense shoots you in the foot after
                offering you a blindfold and a last cigarette.

Assembler       LDA BULLET
                STA FOOT

APL             GN (* Upside down triangle *) FT ^ BLT

BASIC           You shoot yourself in the foot with a water pistol
(interpreted)   until your leg is waterlogged and falls off.

BASIC           You shoot yourself in the foot with a BB using a
(compiled)      Scud missile launcher.

C               You shoot yourself in the foot and then no one else can
                figure out what you did.

C               *foot = bullet

C++             You create a dozen instances of yourself and shoot them
                all in the foot.  Not knowing which feet are virtual,
                medical care is impossible.

COBOL           USE HANDGUN.COLT(45), AIM AT LEG.FOOT,
                THEN WITH ARM.HAND.FINGER ON HANDGUN.-COLT(TRIGGER)
                PERFORM SQUEEZE, RETURN HANDGUN.COLT TO HIP.HOLSTER

csh             After searching the manual until your foot falls asleep,
                you shoot the computer and switch to C.

dBase           You buy a gun.  Bullets are only available from another
                company and are promised to work so you buy them.  Then
                you find out that the next version of the gun is the one
                that is scheduled to actually shoot bullets.

FORTH           Foot Bullet shootInto.

FORTRAN         EQUIVALENCE (BULLET, FOOT)

FORTRAN         You shoot yourself in each toe, iteratively, until you
                run out of toes.  You shoot the sixth bullet anyway,
                since no exception processing was anticipated.

Modula-2        You perform a shooting on what might currently be a foot
                with what might currently be a bullet shot by what might
                currently be a gun.

occam           You shoot both your feet with several guns a once.

ORCA/C          Byteworks keeps promising to supply good ammunition RSN!

Pascal          Same as Modula-2, except the bullet is not of the right
                type for the gun and your hand is blown off.

Pascal          You try to shoot yourself in the foot, but it tells you
                that your foot is the wrong type and out of range to
                boot!

PL/1            After consuming all system resources including bullets,
                the data processing department doubles its size,
                acquires two new mainframes and drops the original on
                your foot.

Prolog          Your program tries to shoot you in the foot, but you die
(interpreted)   of old age before the bullet leaves the gun.

Prolog          The facts are against you.  You try to stop the gun
(compiled)      from shooting you in the foot, but it replies "No."

Smalltalk,      After playing with the graphics for three weeks
Actor           the programming manager shoots you in the head.

Snobol          Grab your foot with your hand and rewrite your hand to
                be a bullet.

TECO            @fs/bullet/foot/

Windows         You click on Bullet, and the mouse knocks the manual off
                the desktop.  The manual lands corner-first on your
                foot.

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