Thurs, Apr 25/02 1:07am
Again I'm reminded of how much brains it *doesn't* take to A) formulate an uneducated opinion and B) write a guestbook entry with that same uneducated opinion. I meant to check my guestbook a while ago, and just did tonight, and was kind of puzzled, since I'd been doing pretty much spectacular this month, in mood, anyhow. Then I noticed the date on it, and went through my journal. Wouldn't you know it, the *one* negative entry this month is dated two days before the guestbook entry. Now *that's* comedy. I pity the fool who pities me, dawg. Oh... and you can't play foosball without other people! Come on, it's just common sense!
I've realized that I don't have that bad of a little audience reading this crud I churn out after checking some of my page stats this week. It looks like a lot of hit and run stuff, and I definitely notice a trend towards pieces described with, or containing explicit language for some 'odd' reason. Heh, makes sense to me.
Started packing/cleaning my room tonight. Fuck, Amanda's only a day away, depending on how you look at it. If you look at it the other way though, it's more like 3. Ugh, I don't want to think about that! No no. It promises to be a hell of a weekend... I just wish I could convince the turkey that she wants to come on Friday too. But I guess that's okay, I can spend a night in Brantford with Doug and the NFO before the weekend with Amanda. Nothing wrong with that, nuh uh.
No, the wrong comes in the form of money. Renting the car, my mom said, will cost about $100. Plus gas, most likely. Funny... I can remember quite clearly a month ago my mother telling me that there'd be no problem, that I could drive 'her' (the car she's *borrowing* from my grandfather) car for the trip, and she'd even pay for gas. And now? Ohh... $150 in the hole there, mmhmn. And then... what else? Oh yeah, the phone bill will be immense. I've actually allotted $100 just to that. Plus... yes, the bus ticket home... $70. But I think that does it. $220 to go back home and live in a house I don't want to anyhow. I fucking hope I still have money to fix my Pacer's brakes after that. I'm really not too, too concerned about the travel expenses. I'll get the receipts and claim moving expense on my taxes next year, and get it all back. And if it costs me mad cash to move back *here* in September, well, I can claim that too. Thumbs up for the government! The phone bill, well, that's a problem, but Amanda's a solution to a great many things for me lately, and easily worth stupid physical things for the peace of mind she brings me. Mmmm.
But yeah, human group dynamics exam tomorrow... so I'm going to bed. Peace in the Middle East, yo.
Tues, Apr 23/02 10:29pm
Aww, Amanda was just the HEIGHTH of cuteness tonight! She was all tired earlier than usual and was being so nice and sweet. Aww. Just a couple more days... a couple more days. Mm!
I had some maniac writing tonight. Oh fuck yeah. I went right off, and wrote another of my disturbing classics... and I think tonight's was the most screwed up, really psychotic thing I've ever written. But at the same time... it's a fucking masterpiece or poeticism, detail, and storytelling. Wow. It's like I don't even write... I don't have to correct anything... it just comes out through my fingers like it's already thought up, but I have no idea what I'm going to type from sentence to sentence. Weird, wild stuff.
And now, foosball!!
Tues, Apr 23/02 9:40am
Yo! For some reason I'm up, and have been since 8:30, I couldn't really tell you why. But here I am, anyhow, to write about last night.
Last night was quite decent. Amanda was actually... well, almost without argument. It seems spring is starting to affect her the way it's been running wild on me lately, which... well no, I won't even get into that. Other than her though, there's been other goodness. Last night a bunch o' crazy neighbours came over, and we had an alright time just sitting around here. Shannon gave me her dogs old collar, which no one seems to think is cool but me. I don't care, I like it, I'm going to wear it today. As well... apparently JC was buying a foosball table off someone, so last night he went and picked it up with this Matt jerk that I'm not fond of (I'm not too big on people who think they know something about everything)... and brought it back here! I beat JC, and JC and Jackie, but Matt kept me from winning all my games, as when partnered with him, I lost. Oh well. Fuck, I just wish we'd gotten this thing earlier! So much fun!
Anyhow, I guess that about does it, time for a shower and then I'll head off to school to see if I can still write Toms bonus test. And maybe get some lunch... some Subway, or Mr. Sub, I'm thinking. Mmm, yes. Oh... and last night... Hoover found us a microwave for the rest of our time here too! Score, no?
Mon, Apr 22/02 1:00am
Well well well. My neck is killing me with it's tension and stiffness, but it's okay. Jason moved out yesterday, that was kind of rough, I'm going to miss the Fuzz-Head, as I've come to think of him because of JC. But the real story of the night is, once again, Amanda.
Earlier in the night she was fairly down, thinking about this past mistake of hers... alledgedly the only guy who'd stuck with her through everything, she kind of just... avoided and dropped when he told her how deeply he felt. So, I guess she wrote him an email or something, saying how badly she felt about it all. Well, I guess he responded, and not in the best of ways, in her mind. And she got upset, then pulled herself together, then called me, at 12:30 in the morning because she needed to talk to someone. Aww, I *like* that. I was getting kind of worried too, not to say that I still shouldn't be... but I was worried that maybe things weren't going to get off the ground with her... and they still easily couldn't, I mean... this is *me* here, but who knows. I feel a little bit better now. Okay, more than a little bit! I'm excited now. It's going to be so good when she comes up with me for the weekend. I hope we just spend the entire weekend laying in bed, mmmm.
Other news? Is there other news? Ehn, probably. Well, what else, then? Well, the stove and fridge were Jason's, so they're gone. Eating has become... well, an undertaking of ingenuity. Actually, it hasn't yet, so far I've been surviving on junk and fast food... the way it should be, some would say, but I don't know. The phone bill is going to come in fairly hefty, cutting a chunk out of my bank account that I wish didn't have to go, but most certainly does. One exam tomorrow, in... fuck, I think it's in criminology. Yeah, that sounds right. Then it's clear sailing... Tom's exams on Wednesday and Thursday... nooo problem. Just this crim one might bite me in the ass. Damn me and my negative stance on studying. Oh well, like I care!
Wed, Apr 17/02 2:39pm
Ahh, that's better. Just ignore that DAMMIT from Sunday, I'm better now. But anyhow, I don't know how I take females seriously. Or why, really. Yes, I think 'why' really sums things up a bit better. Ahh.
Anyhow, had a productively selfish day. Lets see... went to psych, it went fairly well, I believe. It's so damn hot out still. Like, North Bay just skipped spring and went straight to summer. So, only had one class, took the bus downtown, picked up my pictures (which weren't too great) and bought some more film. Wandered over to Mudshark to browse some CD's, found fistful I wanted, but only got 3. Hey, I got my cheque, doesn't mean I'm made of money. I picked up some Vandals, Tilt, and Guns N' Wankers. Passed on... Avail and... fuck, who else? There was some Guttermouth there but it wasn't that... hmn, oh well. Then what... ah, took the bus to Zellers, got some necessary supplies there. Back here, talked to Amanda for a bit, ignored Natalie for a bit, heh... hence my earlier paragraph. It was so pathetically funny, because I just didn't want to talk to her, so I just didn't reply (her first hint should be my DND icq message, but ohhh no...), and eventually I got this message from her: 'sorry I didn't realize Miss HollyHox (Amanda to you and I) was online'. Haha, that made me laugh so. And so I ignored her some more, haha. Ahh, I'm a bastard, but it keeps me from having a heart attack.
Speaking of that, I figure I'll go into the clinic here on Friday. There's not even two weeks left til I go back... but... well, honestly, it's Amanda that's getting me to go, or I would have waited til I got home. I'm also thinking hard about calling one of the doctors Tom told me about. Just for an assessment, if I can get one. I guess I should do that sooner than later, though... but it's hard. Like, I'm afraid that I might have a problem, but I'm also afraid that I don't, it's kind of weird. I might just be a massive hypochondriac see, I don't even know. It's all a weird psychosis that I hope to have resolved soon so I don't flip out when other things come up.
So I don't know, I guess I'll be off to do some laundry soon, Hoover tells me it's cooled down outside, that there was a downpour out there since I've been back. And that's not a bad thing... that's a good thing!
Sun, Apr 14/02 6:09pm
Fucking DAMMIT!!
Sat, Apr 13/02 1:01am
I can't even write any fucking shitty poetry. Like, I'm really in a fucking slump here. I can't write when I feel good... I can't write when I'm trapped in the pit of despair (like now)... I just can't fucking do it. I was doing well today, I really was. I was fighting it off, I was making it work. School today, I did a whole project worth 20% of my mark in one course all today. And it turned out really well, it's not even half assed. So I was proud of myself for that. And then tonight I was socializing. I was upstairs with the neighbours and Jason and having a good time. I even felt mildly attractive. And then... I don't know, I just sunk. I talked to Amanda, and she not only made me angry but depressed me too, and once I got off the phone with her all I could think was, "Fuck John... you don't deserve this. You deserve a fucking hundred times better than her." I wish something was fucking consistent. Like, I even told Tom today how much better I felt than I did when I asked him to get me some info about local psychiatrists an counsellors back before March break. And now... it's just another stupid lie that I meant to be the truth. I'm so disgusted at the inconsistentcy of everything. Like, if I'm going to have to be depressed... then I just want to be fucking depressed and wallow in it. And if I'm going to be content... then just make me fucking content!! You just don't fucking mix and match, it's going to drive me insane!
So what do I do? I've got two weeks left here, and the number of two local fix 'em up dudes. Do I see them, and try to get an appointment and assessment in two weeks? Do I just try to work it out on my own (again) because things *have* been better from time to time... so at least that's a start and something to work with?
I don't think it'll be long now. Like, I can't imagine it would be. Oh, til I get my pills back, I mean. Like... fuck. This is just getting ridiculous. I'm really running out of options here. I so want to cry tonight, but it's just not working out. With Hoover gone this weekend, there's no one else in the basement to hear me, and I could really wail out... or, at least I thought I could. Fuck, what am I gonna do?!
Tues, Apr 9/02 12:38am
Hmn. Something's not sitting right, and I don't know what it is. I just get this lingering feeling that something's out of place... that maybe something's not just right right now... but soon it will be wrong. Impending doom? Kind of maybe. It's a very strange sensation, to be sure.
I had an odd kind of day, really. Lets see if maybe I explore the day if I might find something. Well, I brought the video camera back to school... went to first class, everyone was stupid, nothing big or new there. Then talked to Carmen about the mark my group got on our project... second highest in the class... but should have been first, and I wasn't grade-grubbing or anything, I was actually really interested in what made their presentation get a slightly higher mark. Finished up my case notes for the video project, handed it in. Wanted pizza, but the caf didn't have any today... which was kind of strange, but a different kind... not quite the variety I'm looking for. Then Lindsey got all uptight about me, questioning my corrections gift. That was kind of weird too. Maybe... maybe the day was anti-climactic. Like, I got home, and obviously all I wanted to do was talk to Amanda and wind down. Well she wasn't online when I got home, and I ended up falling asleep, and couldn't get back on the phone until around 9:45-10:00. Talked to her online for a while, let Hoover use the phone, called her around 11:30. And... well, nothing happened. I think we were just starting to get into things when she started getting too tired to talk. Fuck, did she ever have a rough day compared to mine. Fell off the side of a rock trying to take a picture... smashed up her expensive camera she loves so dearly, fucked up some ligaments, went to the doctor for various things (the fall *and* others), none of which were good.
Oh shit, I almost forgot... I have to shave. I guess I'll go do that now. I need to be looking clean for tomorrow... trip to the North Bay Jail, I think... or some other facility, anyhow.
Sat, Apr 6/02 1:58am
What an absurd day. I kicked out some fucking adventures today, let me tell you. I woke up and considered not going to first class because it was just presentations, and presentations bore the fuck out of everyone because... well, because the people presenting are fucking boring and half-assed. Not literally half-assed, of course, most of them have more than their fair share of ass. But anyhow, I got up, for reasons unknown, and went out to get the bus. I missed the first bus, watched it go by as I approached the stop. There's usually a second bus that comes a couple of minutes after the first bus, because there's often student overload going to the other way, to the university. I missed the second bus, watched it go by as I approached the stop. Fuck. So, I had to wait a while, almost a half hour, and suffer being late. I caught the next bus going the other way, so I wouldn't have to stand around in the cold. It was on the way to the bus terminal that I discovered SEARING PAIN IN MY INTESTINES. I was in fucking agony, this happened out of fucking nowhere, it was ridiculous. So there I am, on this bus, and then at the terminal, which is really just a concrete island with a couple of shelters, and there's nothing I can do other than hope I shit myself instead of having a heart attack. Fuck did it ever hurt, massive gas pains. Well, that was when I noticed the cafe across the street. I hobbled over to it, bought an uncomfortable cup of coffee... and then poof, the pain was gone! Hey, great! I'll just strut out the door and back over to the bus station and... OWCH... pain returns! Fuck! Well, I can't go back in the coffee place, and my bus will be there and departing any second, so I stay at the terminal. The bus finally arrived, and I got on. We started moving late, and hit just about every red light possible. And then the back door jammed for five minutes. And then there was the speedbumps in the mall. And more red lights. I was hoping against hope that some of this gas would escape my ass before I detonatated in my seat. Ah, and some did. So the bus finally found it's way to the school, and I made a beeline for the bathroom, ohhh yeah. The pain started to kick in high again, and I dropped my parcel and was better for doing so.
Class presentations. Oh fuck, were they ever boring. And for some reason, one of the French girls sounded Russian today. I think she's faking her accent. But yeah, class was class. And for some reason, at one point I just wanted to start laughing. I don't know what it was... and the feeling continued at various other points throughout the day, too. After class, Mair and I went and got some lunch. Two hour break, and all... so we went to McDonalds and I picked up a delicious bacon double cheeseburger meal. We were talking about strange things there... fuck, what were we talking about? I wish I remembered, it was good. But then we buggered off from there, back to school, and I chatted up Justin for a while, and went to class. Tom's class, yeah! I thought it would be a dull class, but it was pretty good... about therapy. Some of Toms descriptions of the old lobotomies (and his overheads) make my chest a little queasy, but I managed. I just remembered that Mair didn't come back for class, that's weird. Oh well, she *was* hungover.
Once again, Tom was genuis. He got into my head today, about the therapies. One example in particular, about anxiety, and dealing with people kind of surprised me how much it had to do with what's up with me recently. He was talking about women... about a young man trying to talk to a woman, and the anxiety that comes with meeting one, but he was specific to the point that it detailed Amanda and I fairly creepily. Eventually, class was over, and I talked to Tom a bit on the way back to his office, and found out my score on the last test. 66%!! I couldn't believe it, I thought I aced that test. Well, Tom noticed that I only answered 42 questions. How many were there, I asked. Well, it seems I neglected to do the last page, and he let me do it right there because I knew the answers. Ended up with an A, so that was better. Ended up beating Mair, so that was great.
On the way out, I managed to rent out a videocamera, so I can do my project now (oh, fucking HOORAY), and found Alana in the library. She waited with me for the bus, and I got on with a bit of a struggle... showing my id while carrying a tripod, camera, and backpack. This... this is where the real adventure started.
Retards... and lots of 'em. On their way back from the retard repository next door to the college that employs them all. There were about 9 of them, all sitting at the front, all retarded, fiesty, and out of control. They were just having a great time, yelling and bumping into things and stuffing their faces with some kind of granola-looking product, and babbling away and spitting the granola everywhere, like retards do. Wandering eyes and protruding tongues and slack jaws galore. It was incredible. I was almost coping with it without laughing (it was REALLY REALLY funny) until they started picking on one of their own, pulling the strings in the hood of his jacket. They were laughing at it like it was the end of the world, most of them. Then the retard I've come to consider to be the leader of the handicapped leaned over to help fix his friends disproportionate tie strings... and I lost it because it looked like they were going to start making out the way he leaned over. I giggled to myself mercilessly... and couldn't stop. Then there was the squatting dog. At an intersection, I looked out the window, and there was just this dog squatting in the snow. At first I just figured it was taking a dump, but it wasn't. It was just sitting there, squatting, with the strangest look on it's face, as if even it didn't know what it was doing. It looked at me with bemused eyes and a downturned mouth that said to me, 'can you clue me in as to what the fuck I'm DOING?!' Then we were moving again, and the squatting dog was lost to me, alone to contemplate it's tender situation... squatting in the snow. Back to the retards, who were still out of control, just living it up. Even the retarded dwarf woman... who I can only assume has the superpowers of both a retard AND a midget, making her damn near invincible... was just having a gay old time as she does... putting her hand to the side of her mouth whenever she says anything... anything at all. The bus driver was going crazy, much to my amusement as well. He looks like Ma Boucher, the Hells Angels head, so it was really interesting to see him going nutty. He had this stress ball he was squeezing while he was driving the bus... and that made me laugh even more. As we neared the bus station, I flung my bag over my shoulder, grasped my tripod in one hand, the camera case in the other, and hobbled off the bus, with a bit of a struggle... only to discover as I walked past the front of the bus, that it turned into the bus I needed to be on. So I got back on, feeling dumb for going through that whole ordeal, and sat down.
Then, sleep. Slept from 6-9, because Amanda was nowhere to be found, I figured why not. Hoover was offline early tonight because he has to work tomorrow, so in the midst of a drunk-fest upstairs, I quietly logged on down here and talked to her for a while. Well, some of the fucking drunk-ass turkeys upstairs kept trying to use the phone and fucking up my connection, so I went offline and just called the damn girl. She was rather tired, and from tiredness came cuteness, of course. Girls are probably at their cute maximum when tired, and not bitchy-tired. Amanda was no exception tonight. She wanted me to tell her a story to put her to sleep, so I told her the tale of my car and the Burlington adventure, and by the end the cuteness factor in her voice was dangerously high, and I let her go to sleep. Fuck, I can't wait to go back home, and bring her back here! It's going to be a wicked trip, oh man. 'What, that makes no sense!' No no, it does. See, to move all my stuff, I have to take the bus home, then get my moms (grandfathers) car and drive it back up here, and then drive back with my stuff. So I'm bringing her with me, it'll be great.
But anyhow, I'm getting pretty tired myself, with it being almost 3:00. So that's it for me tonight, I just write my lesson of what I've learned today in my notebook, and it'll be lights out, to awaken to a glorious day tomorrow and do homework and laundry... and that actually sounds less than glorious... shit.
Wed, Apr 3/02 1:02pm
Another report from school, between classes, and still a half hour before the class that Mair and etc are in get out. Just wrote a psych test I feel pretty good about, I really liked the chapter on dissociative disorders. There's only a couple of chapters left, which makes me sad, because abnormal psych has probably been my favourite course since coming here. And of course there's Tom, who rocks the party that rocks the party, to be overly 80's about it.
Perhaps I did so well on the test because of my own experience with disorders. I mean, if we talk about something, well either I seem to have a mild exhibition of it, or someone else I know does. It puts things in perspective, makes things a lot easier.
Oh, speaking of headcases, I obviously talked to Amanda again last night. Around 10:30 she said she was heading to bed, and that was fine, because JC and Jackie and Shannon (all my wacky neighbours) invited me over to watch a movie, K-Pax (which also ties in with lunacy... see how it all makes a comfy little package?). And then when she found out I had other things to do, she got all testy. So, experience and instinct told me that I should have stuck around, but I didn't. I (haha) trusted the idea that she actually said what she meant, and meant what she said... something which should never ever at any time for any reason whatsoever (did I mention ever?) be associated with any type of female at any possible time for any reason whatsoever. Did you get all that? Well, yeah. Plus, I wanted to hang out with the neighbours. I mean, after this month comes to an end, I'll probably never see them again, which is more than a little bit of a drag on my heart. But yeah, so I left, amidst the battle cry of the harpy... "Fine, go. What do I care?" Haha. Ahh, women, how I hate them so. It must be in their genes or something, I don't think I've ever known one to not use that line, with the possible exception of Maygan, but she's renounced her breasted-menace heritage, so she doesn't really count.
So I went over... actually, when I went out, JC and Shannon were splitting a spliff, which was kind of funny because they were baked for the whole movie and were totally tripping out on the K-Pax groove. Watched the movie, liked it, and babied Alaska, Shannon's dog, through most of it. That dog loves me the way people should! I mean, come on, animals know the goods when they find it. Dogs do, anyhow... cats are perfectly content with evil beings as long as they get fed regularly.
But anyhow, back home. Well, I went online, and yeah, Amanda was all pissy, big surprise. But blah blah, I persevered through her whining, as I always do, then talked to her on the phone for a while, then went to bed.
Then got up again when she called at 3 in the morning and told me to go online.
Somehow I knew that was going to happen. I had the phone off the hook for a while and everything. I mean fuck, I need a good nights sleep sometime *soon*. So I did, and there was a little more weinerness, followed up with some 'what's up with you' kind of stuff. And it ended off quite pleasant, actually. I suppose I'm actually glad she did call back again like that, because oh how I dislike going to bed angry, you know? So yeah... the story of my quasi-adventure last night, the end.
And now... well, now I'm going to wander away and find Mair and etc. Maybe Jen. Well, hopefully Jen. She's down again today, and that's a fucking crime against nature, to me. Hmn, for being so terrible at relationships, I sure as hell have a lot of female friends.
I don't want to do my fucking interview assignment tonight! Fuck!!
Tues, Apr 2/02 1:05pm
Blah. I'm at school. Amanda sent me two more emails, that wacky bitch.
So, this morning, I'm in the computer lab downstairs, and like a fucking plague, there's the police foundation students too. They're fucking everywhere, it's unbelievable. Anyhow, they're sitting around on various computers (well, clustered together, as they always are...) and laughing it up like it's 1999. Well, on my way out, I notice one of their computer screens. Porn. Yep. And you know me, I'm a big advocate of porno... but there's a time and a place, you fucking honky idiots. Geez.
Tues, Apr 2/02 12:50am
What an absurd day. Sort of. I was on with Amanda the Bitch for 12 hours. 12 fucking hours. Neither of us could believe it, it was outstanding. From 7:30pm last night to 7:30 am this morning. Then, I slept. Missed my *one* class I had today, no big deal though. I saw Justin when I went to pick up a couple groceries and he barely even mentioned anything about class, so I imagine it was uneventful. But I'm jumping ahead.
So after my half day with Amanda, I slept til (it's so disappointing that Bubba Dudley beat Raven for the hardcore championship) about 3, then went off to have some adventures. Uh, what'd I do... I went and got some of my film I'd left for developing. Only a few good pictures in that roll... a good one of the minnows that were in the freezer, and another good one of Jackie, however. They didn't have my roll of b&w ready... oh, and somehow my prints only came out to about $1.60. I don't know what happened... I didn't really ask.
After that, I went by city hall to see if it was open. No such luck, I'll have to pick up my bus pass for the month tomorrow. Last month of the school year, yowza. Uh... then I guess I snagged a bus back, picked up some necessities at Sobeys for tonight (Coke, chips, cookies, salad, pears) and called it a day, basically, mmhmn. I came back here... and when I logged on just now, I had 4 emails from Amanda the Bitch. 3 of them were the same, however, because I made fun of her for sending the same email twice earlier. So she sent it three times. Another was a triplet of pictures of her... one of which I have posted over in my 'angst-ridden barbie' posting in the garbage section. What a little sweetheart.
So... dig on this, if you will. End of the month comes, I move out. That's a given. Well, what I have to do is take a bus back to Brantford, get my moms (borrowed) car, drive it back here to North Bay, pack my stuff, and drive back home to Brantford to finish it off. I've been debating on who to bring on this semi-adventure. At first I figured one Kingdom girl... then the other one... then Doug, because he was having a rough time... but Doug considered that 'running away', so he didn't want to do it... so now... well, it almost doesn't feel like my decision any more, because see... Amanda the Bitch has pretty much *told* me she's coming. I don't even know what to think of that. She's apparently a sucker for road trips... and less obviously, and less ready to admit... she's a sucker for me, ha! So... I figure... why not? It's been a while since I did something so obviously stupid/strange/unconventional... so I think I'll do it. I've always wanted to do stuff like this. Stuff (ooh, Spiderman commercial!!) just on a whim... like... I guess it's kind of silly, but one of my big dreams is to just get married to someone I've known for like 2 weeks to a month. Just go and have a big joke quickie wedding, I think that'd be so hilariously fun. It's just always been one of my goals, I don't know exactly why. I guess because it's spotaneous... it's fun. So in conclusion, I believe I need to be more spontaneous, yes.
Uh... bye!