BIKE RIDE
A man decided that he was going to ride a 10-speed bike from Phoenix to Flagstaff. He got as far as Black Canyon City before the mountains just became too much and he could go no farther.
He stuck his thumb out, but after 3 hours hadn't gotten a single person to stop. Finally, a guy in a Corvette pulled over and offered him a ride. Of course, the bike wouldn't fit in the car. The owner of the Corvette found a piece of rope lying by the highway and tied it to his bumper. He tied the other end to the bike and told the man that if he was going too fast, to honk the horn on his bike and that he would slow down.
Everything went fine for the first 30 miles. Suddenly, another Corvette blew past them. Not to be outdone, the Corvette pulling the bike took off after the other. A short distance down the road, the Corvettes, both going well over 120 mph, blew through a speed trap.
The police officer noted the speeds from his radar gun and radioed to the other officer that he had two Corvettes headed his way at over 120 mph. He then relayed, "...and you're not going to believe this, but there's guy on a 10 speed bike honking to pass."
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Before the Battle of Agincourt in 1415, the French, anticipating victory over the English, proposed to cut off the middle finger of all captured English soldiers. Without the middle finger, it would be impossible to draw the renowned English longbow and therefore be incapable of fighting in the future.
This famous weapon was made of the native English Yew tree and the act of drawing the longbow was known as "plucking the yew." Much to the bewilderment of the French, the English won a major upset and began mocking the French by waving their middle fingers at the defeated French, saying, "See, we can still pluck yew!
PLUCK YEW!"
Over the years, some 'folk etymologies' have grown up around this symbolic gesture. Since 'pluck yew' is rather difficult to say (like "pleasant mother, pheasant plucker", which is who you had to go to for the feathers used on the arrows for the longbow), the difficult consonant cluster at the beginning has gradually changed to a labiodental fricative 'F', and thus the words often used in conjunction with the one-finger-salute are mistakenly thought to have something to do with an intimate encounter. It
is also because of the pheasant feathers on the arrows that the symbolic gesture is known as "giving the bird."
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How about you, how did you die?"
"I had a heart attack," says the first man.
"You see, I knew my wife was cheating on me, so one day I showed up at home unexpectedly. I ran up to the bedroom, and found her alone, knitting. I ran down to the basement, but no one was hiding there either. I ran up to the second floor, but no one was hiding there either. I ran as fast as I could to the attic. Furious I came downstairs and into the kitchen.
I was so mad I tore the kitchen up and tried to throw the refigerator out of the window. That's when I suffered a massive heart attack.
The second man shakes his head. "That's so ironic," he says.
"What do you mean?" asked the first man.
"If you'd only stopped to look in the freezer, we'd both still be alive."
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Two storks are sitting in their nest: a father stork and baby stork. The baby stork is crying and crying and father stork is trying to calm him. "Don't worry, son. Your mother will come back. She's only bringing people babies and making them happy."
The next night, it's father's turn to do the job. Mother and son are sitting in the nest, the baby stork is crying, and mother is saying "Son, your father will be back as soon as possible, but now he's bringing joy to new mommies and daddies."
A few days later, the stork's parents are desperate: their son is absent from the nest all night! Shortly before dawn, he returns and the parents ask him where he's been all night.
The baby stork says, "Nowhere. Just scaring the hell out of college students!"
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THE "DEAR JOHN" LETTER'S REVENGE
The soldier serving overseas and far from home was annoyed and upset when his girl wrote breaking off their engagement and asking for her photograph back.
He went out and collected from his friends all the unwanted photographs of women that he could find, bundled them all together and sent them to her with a note stating the following:
"Regret can not remember which one is you ... please keep your photo and return the others."
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WHITE HAIR
One day, a girl walk up to her mother and look at her mother's hair. She studied it for a moment then sadly said: "Mom, why is it that some of your hair is white?"
The mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white.
The girl thought about this revelation awhile, and then said, "Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?"
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WOOD EYE
Two farmhands went to a country dance. One of the hands, Joe, had a wooden eye and was very self-conscious about it. Joe told the other guy, Bill, that he was worried about someone saying something about his wooden eye. Bill told him not to worry because it was a good eye and most people couldn't tell it from a real eye.
Bill danced nearly every dance as there were a lot of farmgirls there. Joe just didn't dance at all. Finally, Bill went over to Joe and asked if he had danced with any of the girls.
Joe told him that he had not because he was concerned about them saying something about his wooden eye. Bill told him again not to be concerned about it. Bill pointed to a girl sitting across the room and told Joe, "See that good-looking girl over there? She's got a hair-lip and hasn't danced but once or twice. I danced with her once and she's an excellent dancer and real polite. Go over ther and ask her to dance. She won't say anything about your wooden eye."
So Joe had a couple of more snorts of courage and went over to the hair-lipped girl and asked, "Do you want to dance?" To which she replied in a high pitched hair-lipped voice, "Would I, WOULD I!!!"
To which Joe replied, "Hair-lip, Hair-lip!!!!"
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AIRLINE "OH-OH's"
A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and therefore we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax - OH MY GOSH!"
Silence.
Then, the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier, but while I was talking, the flight-attendant brought me a cup of coffee and spilled the hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!"
A passenger in Coach said, "That's nothing. He should see the back of mine!"
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TRAIN "OH-OH'S"
A large two-engine train was crossing America. After they had gone some distance one of the engines broke down. "No problem," the engineer thought, and carried on at half power.
Farther on down the line, the other engine broke down, and the train came to a standstill.
The engineer decided he should inform the passengers about why the train had stopped, and made the following announcement:
"Ladies and gentlemen, I have some good news and some bad news. The bad news is that both engines have failed, and we will be stuck here for some time. The good news is that you decided to take the train and not fly."
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HONEY, I'M HOME!!!
One day a man comes home from work to find total mayhem at home. The kids were outside still in their pajamas playing in the mud and muck. There were empty food boxes and wrappers all around.
As he proceeded into the house, he found an even bigger mess. Dishes on the counter, dog food spilled on the floor, a broken glass under the table, and a small pile of sand by the back door. The family room was strewn with toys and various items of clothing, and a lamp had been knocked over.
He headed up the stairs, stepping over toys, to look for his wife. He was becoming worried that she may be ill, or that something had happened to her.
He found her in the bedroom, still in bed with her pajamas on, reading a book.
She looked up at him, smiled, and asked how his day went. He looked at her bewildered and asked, "what happened here today?"
She again smiled and answered, "You know everyday when you come home from work and ask me what I did today?"
"Yes", was his reply.
She answered, "Well, today I didn't do it!"
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GOOD HUNTING!!!
Two good Montana buddies were out hunting for a cougar that was killing their sheep.
They staked out an area of the woods near their fields, and waited. After a awhile, sure enough, there came the cougar. They patiently waited until it was close, and then they both jumped up and shot it at the same time. They couldn't tell whose bullet had taken the cougar's life! They decided to share the credit, and also to have the cougar stuffed, and they decided to take turns keeping the stuffed cougar.
However, this arrangement turned out not to be to their liking. Instead, they decided to divide the stuffed cougar in two, and flip a coin for who would get which end. Bill lost, and ended up with a mounted trophy of the cougar's rear.
So even though shooting the cougar was a great sporting victory, Bill thought, ... it was nothing but a catastrophe.
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