A coworker and I had returned to the office.  As we approached the main entrance to the building, a man was flailing his arms skyward and shouting to himself “…a fucking idiot!  There’s a drought and it’s been raining here for weeks.  Why doesn’t he make it rain where the drought is?  God’s a fucking idiot!”  After a moment’s reflection, I said “He’s got a point,” much to the dismay of my coworker.

I had to take one my clients to the doctor's office because she complained of diarrhea, incontinence, and some other physical problems that were causing her stress.  When the doctor asked her how long she had had diarrhea, she replied "about 6 years."  And when he asked her to describe her diarrhea (loose, semi-solid, solid), she said her stool was "long and hard."  Sigh.

Twice monthly there is a community meeting wherein all the members of the treatment facility can voice their grievances, recognize outstanding achievements, and welcome new members of staff and clientele.  At one such meeting, the leadership was discussing the fact that the laying of new tile, accompanied with the steady rain, was causing wet floor hazards to be heeded by the members.  One of the members running the meeting began, “We wouldn’t want anyone to slip and fall and maybe hurt themselves and have to go to the hospital.  So we have to be careful where the wet floor signs are.  We wouldn’t want to have to--” another member interrupted “--clean up the blood.”

My coworker was relaying a story to me of one of his clients who wanted to be transferred from his place of residence to another residence.  He claimed that another one of the residents was sexually harassing him by trying to touch him and offering him oral sex.  (All members of the residence are of the same gender.)  I asked my coworker if he could speak to that member's case manager and try to get the problem resolved.  He said they were both his clients, so that was not an option.  It turns out the client had received oral sex from the other member and now felt a little uneasy about it.

One of my clients needed to interrupt our paperwork for a few minutes to use the restroom.  He stated he had to "let the devil out."

The same client as above complained of financial problems.  He said he didn't have enough food in his house to get him through to the next day when he'd cash his check.  When asked what sorts of foods he bought at the store, he said mostly steaks.  He also stated that he had paid a prostitute early that month for sex.  So much for budgeting.

One member makes a daily list of things he’s grateful for.  Number 14 on his list one day last week was “No more psychotic than usual.”

In our bimonthly community meeting, one of the members was lecturing that eating or drinking is allowed in only designated areas of the building and that there are messes left in other areas.  One client, a member of the maintenance crew, interjected "That's job security, man!"

One of my Jamaican clients believes he has a voodoo curse on him.  He says his hypothalamus was stolen, his heart exploded, and he hasn't slept since 1986.  No wonder he's always so tired.  I recommended to one of my coworkers that we stage a ritual to remove the curse but he said it would be "unethical."  Bummer.

I'm supposed to meet with each of my clients monthly.  Toward the end of the month, I had a few clients still to meet with.  I met up with one in the hall.  She talks to invisible camels but is otherwise quiet and easy to manage.  She was filling up a water bottle at the water fountain when I saw her.  I asked her how things were going and generally touched base.  We talked for a few minutes.  As she left she said "In case the camels get thirsty, I don't have to worry."

One of my clients made me crank call somebody.  She had some problems with her teeth and needed money to pay for the dental work.  She asked if I would call her cousin for her as the cousin might be willing to help out with finances.  I started to dial the number she gave me.  She said "I'm not supposed to call her" as it was ringing, so I hung up and asked why.  She told me that the cousin had received some "unusual phone calls" in the past and blamed it on her, but that I could call or someone from the organization, just not her.  I asked if she was sure, which she said she was, and I redialed.  I told the woman on the phone about her cousin in my office and that she wanted to speak to her about some upcoming dental bills.  The woman listened politely, sighed, and berated me about how she had no cousin by that name, did not know the woman, and wanted her and I to never call her again.  Sigh.

One of my female clients dresses a little provocatively sometimes.  The clothes would be cute if she were 25 years younger and 5 sizes smaller.  I've spoken to her once.  The other day, her counselor asked me to speak to her again.  I had to meet with her anyway for another issue.  She came to see me and we dealt with the other business first. Then I very casually asked that she tone it down while at the program as her outfit today was "a little revealing."  She agreed and I made a joke that she would distract all the men, she laughed and said she'd dress a little more conservatively for program.  Two minutes later I get a call from a coworker asking if I'm okay.  Apparently, my client left my office all smiles and turned on me in the hall cursing and shouting about how dare her case manager tell her how to dress.  I guess you can't turn your back on the disturbed even if they seem fine.

One of our OCD (Obsessive Compulsive Disorder) clients was washing the office doors yesterday.  He must have washed my door 10 times in an hour.  He just kept going up and down the hall washing the doors.  I was talking to another case manager who said "I know we're supposed to be helping him get over his OCD, but he does such a good job."

 I was talking to one of my clients today about her reported prostitution.  She said she does not have sex as she is afraid of becoming pregnant as she comes "from a long line of women having babies."

Went to see a client at the hospital today.  When asked why she is there, she replied she was "vapor acted". 

One of my more attention seeking clients will bang on my door and yell my name in the hall if she thinks I am in my office with the door shut.  I was talking to the nurse about her.  The nurse informed me that she used to use a walker and would lie down on the floor and pull the walker on top of her and shout "help, my back, help" when she needed more attention.

Overheard by a loud obnoxious client passing my office in the hall "How come nobody wants to talk about an invisible chicken?"

One of the other case managers was approached by one of our OCD clients who gave her his hand to shake.  She did not offer her hand in return but said instead "I think your hands are dirty right now."  That's just mean.

Overheard from a staff member to a client in the hallway "Hey, how are you today?"  "Crazy."

One of my clients is extremely delusional.  He came to me on a Friday with a document he drafted on a computer with his signature on it claiming ownership to a piece of property in Plantation.  I warned him of the legal implications of going to this place.  He did anyway.  The tenant is a cop.  He was arrested that Sunday and Baker Acted from jail.  He still claims ownership of the property.

The same client believes there will be 3 wars beginning by May 1st, 2002 (the original date was April 11th, 2002.  I don't know why it changed) and since he is the Commander in Chief (but not the president) he will be leading the wars.  He knows who will prevail due to his extensive military background:  a brother in the air force, and his high school ROTC ranking.  When asked how he came upon knowledge of these wars he stated simply "I'm crazy." 

Every 6 months, we case managers have to do service plans with our clients.  Basically, this is a worthless document that states what the person is doing now, what they want to be doing in 6 months, and how they're going to get there.  It's a lot of bogus paperwork.  (Let me not bore you with my strife.)  I was trying to do one today with one of my clients who is immersed in hallucinations.  Last time his short term (6-month) employment goal was to be the head coach for Notre Dame's football team.  At the time, he told me he was currently working for the government building nuclear weapons.  (FYI:  He said that production had not picked up since the whole "Enduring Freedom" thing.  So have no fear.)  Now he states he works for some company attending meetings for artists.  He was unspecific otherwise, but intends to keep working there.  He stated he still builds nuclear weapons, but now he's more on the design side than the building of them.  I wonder if he's claimed this income to Social Security?

In a group session, one client was being aggressive but has been training to be more assertive. She stated she knew she should have taken a moment to say "When you..., I feel" but all she wanted to say was "When I... you're gonna feel".