A part of me.....

Well, hmmm, I have wanted to create this page for a while, and now that I am doing it, I'm not quite sure where to begin. I wanted to do a page about the part of me that I only open up to a select few because I have a hard time trusting a lot of people.

I haven't had an easy life, but I have survived it. Now I am thriving and focusing on what I want to do now insread of what has happened in the past. I went through abuse as I was growing up, had bad relationships, came out to my parents as being gay and got kicked out of my home because of it (although the person who kicked me out let me move back in later and is now one of my biggest supporters), developing and exploring my spirituality, moving away from my hometown to a different state to get away and find myself so I would not become stuck in a vicious cycle that may have led to things I would rather not think about, and much more. I keep trying to focus on the positive things in my life, but sometimes that isn't easy and I end up concentrating on the negative. You see, like many people in my family, I have a tendency towards depression. The reaction for everyone in my family is different though. For me, I take vitaminms, eat, exercise and drink fluids to keep my body balanced, and it works if I keep doing it :). I am also trying to deine my spiritual path more which seems to help keep off the worst of the depression. Also trying to keep myself mentally challenged has helped. Knowing the symptoms and controlling them before they start or once they have begun has helped a lot, and also knowing that I can talk to people and just talk it through has helped tremendously.

Not everyone sees the side of me that is depressed or why. I like to present myself as a nice, quiet guy who doesn't talk a lot unless he knows the person. That's not always the case, and I usually hide some of what I am feeling because that is what I was taught to do growing up. 'Don't show people you care about them because they will only hurt you, or leave you.' It took me a long time to realize that some of that negative self=talk I could control and replace with positive messages. I also began to realize how much I contributed to my bad relationships and take steps so I do not go that route again.

Who is the real me? Sometimes I wonder that myself :) I have grown so much and have learned so much that it's hard to put into words. I believe that I am a nice person, usually quiet who has become a lot more self-confident about who I am and what I have become.

Not many people get to see the real me and what I believe, but they may get a glimpse. There are a lot of facets to me that I don't show, and others that I never will. There is a reason I am here on this earth, and that is something I truly believe and remind myself of everyday. I do not know exactly what the reason is, but I know I am on my way of finding it. I know when I am doing what's right, and that's all I need to know.

We all have sides of ourselves that we don't show to everyone, that's what makes us different and unique. If we admit and accept those sides of ourselves, we will be healthier people overall. Knowing your strengths ans weaknesses makes you a better person, and a healthier one as well. Loving and accepting yourself completely, strengths and weaknesses, is the most important thing there is. Do some soul searching!!

1997 hyrryl@yahoo.com

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