May 24, 2003
the sky is gray. ready to burst and pour out its sorrows upon all of us to dampen our moods on the first weekend of summer. the streets are filled with cars and their grumpy drivers. everyone seems to have taken the weekend off to enjoy the absent sunshine. so here we all are, making do with what the atmosphere has brought us.
and im in my room. alone with my thoughts. doing what only women can do... menstruate. for the first time, ive completely surrendered myself to my hormones. exuberating the prototypical model the menstruating female. moody. grumpy. ready to lash out at any form or voice that she sees as a threat... be it one or not.

ive been doing a lot of writing in my written journal. i miss the smell of the leather binding. i miss trying to coordinate my thoughts and wrist movements. my fingers never could seem to catch up with my thoughts. i miss keeping my thoughts private. miss the lack of scrutiny. miss the fact that there are people out there wondering.

it's summer now. and unfortunately for you, i have no motivation to sign on and post, except to periodically clear out my inbox.

on a tangent... i cleared out my inbox today. 103 new emails. and none of them were of interest to me. 2 from american eagle. 1 from a brutha. 4 porn. 3 from random merchants. 25 from the sdsu greek council. and the rest from my sisters. i spent a total of 2 minutes signed into hotmail.

my sudden detachment from those who care frightens me. i think i have a problem.


05.18.03.oops.
my apologies for the excessive obscenities in my previous post. you just dont understand how frustrated i was. thankfully, my wonderful boyfriend had a backup copy of my paper. figured out a way to send it to me. and i was able to finish it. though half-assed, at least i was able to finish it. so im relieved. my final is finished. hopefully i will pull at least an A- out of that class and get my course forgiveness in. AH.

un mas examen para clase de espanol. yo tengo [interview] para mi rutina diaria con mi profesor de espanol a la cinco y media. esperanzadamente hare bien en el examen para pasar la clase. deséeme la suerte, porque la necesitaré.

May 15, 2003
FUCK HOTMAIL! okay. T minus 45 minutes til my abnormal final. and paper is DUE. i emailed myself the paper last night so i could finish it today.

and hotmail picks TODAY to fucking crash. fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck!!!

there's no way in hell im gonna be able to reproduce those 6 pages that i fucking did last night. FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK! that's 25% of my fucking grade in that class. SHIT!!!!! fuck hotmail. forever. fuck email forever. this shit is supposed to make our fucking lives easier, but it just fucking makes it all worse!!! fuck technology. i want to fucking live on a farm.

excuse me while i barf.


May 14, 2003
a word of advice to all college students.... NEVER, EVER PROCRASTINATE ON PAPERS!!! that's the best advice i can give you.. among others. but here are more...
~go GREEK. you meet plenty of people. you get invited to all the parties. you get VIP status everywhere. and you get to say you have thousands of brothers and sisters nationwide.
~take at least 15 USEFUL units per semester. unless you want to do 40 units in your last year. or take the 6-years to a bachelors route.
~go to class. no really. you miss class, you miss out.
~it's OKAY to stay at the library after hours. it's OKAY to STUDY. being a NERD actually gets you places. granted it not be socially... but there's a possibility.
~talk to your professors. even the stupid ones. you never know when you'll need a good letter of recommendation. and as an added bonus, for subjective classes, the professor knowing your name (in a good context) will actually raise your grade a bit. call it bias, call it anything you want. but i call it a good idea.
~bring your lunch. especially if you're on campus for more than 4 hours. you'll get hungry. and it's easy to spend a good $20-$30 if you're not careful.
~water quenches thirst. soda/carbonated drinks make you thirsty. plus, hydrating your system cleanses your system of icky odor-producing bacteria.
~dont use the elevator. it makes you fat and lazy.
~park far. you're less likely to get a ticket, and it's exercise.
~dont buy books unless it's ABSOLUTELY necessary. books that you KNOW you're not gonna read or use for class are a complete waste of resources. monetary and environmental. stop killing trees you murderer.
and lastly...
~dont take breaks from writing your paper to post in your online journal. it's distracting. and you KNOW you're gonna end up clicking. and clicking. and clicking. and comin home when the sun comes up.

shit. here i go to fail another class. F me.


5.12.03.duuuuuuuuuuude.
WHOA. what the hell... ERIK HAS HAIR! hey. is that your way of telling me to get my ass up there and buzz it for you? after all those times in the middle of the night that i wouldnt while you were still down in san diego. hah. it looks good. keep it.

in other news.... friday night me, bri & BEAR (aka mike, bri's best friend from the bay) went to aubergine just to get drunk. BTW, i didnt have a chance to. im low on funds and he was buyin drinks for bear. i dont get free drinks anymore. cuz 1)i have a boyfriend and am no longer allowed to accept drinks from other males. 2)he's buyin bear drinks now. but damn. im sooo ready to abolish reason number one.

my SAGA friends were there that night. including.. DRAMA JAMES. original-hot-boy-with-no-game (adrian). cyrus. supra mike. and dj karl. first person i saw was original hot boy with no game. we 3 were chillin outside waitin for our escort n i saw him on the patio. lookin good as ever, i might add. didnt say hi. thought it was inappropriate at the time, and if i did, i woulda missed the escort. (p.s. we were ESCORTED in VIP style. no line. no entrance fee.) then i get dragged to the dance floor by Kat. and i see james. he was faded. so i came up to him, gave him a hug&hello. this guy... a bit clingy under the influence. i felt kinda bad cuz he had his arm around me the whole time. so i pulled away, and made my way back to bri like a good little girlfriend. i SERIOUSLY needed a drink. the club was PACKED with breezies and short filipino guys too stumpy or too ugly to get a sober girl. so i hit the bar. talk up cyrus while our dumbass bartender takes forever to get our drinks. so we catch up. karl swoops in. we catch up. he's always been pretty anti-mar-as-a-sorority-girl (see september2001 archives). he's been the aphig dj for a coupla semesters. wonderin why i went MIA this past formal. then i see mike in the VIP lounge. we talk for a few minutes. about cars. and school. and shit that we've missed out on in each others' lives. and then... original hot boy with no game strolls up. we have a big bear hug. i asked him if he's faded. he isnt. with the reply of "im just really happy to see you." and an undeniably comforting arm around me. i was like butter. makes me wonder... coulda woulda shoulda. back in the day.

i just miss the whole car scene. it was a good life. expensive... but comforting. interesting. and the people that came along with it were always great. then came the whores. the youngens with their sponsored-by-mommy cars. the fobs with no taste. and all the hype that came along with it.
but i really do miss having in&out priveleges. knockin breezies off the cars. hangin out at the shop talkin shit about what people have done and are planning to do. hangin out in the garage doing nothing. makin plans to see each other over the weekend cuz we all have academic responsibilities.

it just really felt like the innocent girl's college life. we didnt always have to drink. didnt have to go clubbin. boba and jamba juice was enough. cuz we could always meet up at east commons and bullshit.
bah. i dont know. i guess im just realizing how bad my alcoholic tendencies have gotten. and i know that its not gonna get any better any time soon.


May 12, 2003
bah. 2 finals to go. my brain is fried. we just had a SUPERHUGE sale this weekend. so my body is tired as well.

me n bri had our 6monthaversary yesterday. seems like its been a lot longer.

but anyhow, i apologize for my absence. ive just been really busy.


5.8.03.fuck.me.
shit shit shit shit shit. my stats class. first of all, it took me fucking 2 years to be able to REGISTER cuz it's a high demand class. my exam grades consist of C,B,F. my HW grade consists of an F. meaning that if i dont get an A on tomorrow's final, then im basically FUCKED. and if i havent mentioned, i havent been to class for this entire section. fuck me. i dont fucking get it. damnit. add on to this little situation of mine... that if i have to take this stupid class over, then it leaves me a semester behind in my psych research classes. meaning i cant join a research group til next spring, leaving me short a semester for an impressive letter of recommendation for grad school. oy vey.

bringin me to the dilemma of which:::
option A: call in sick tomorrow at work. leaving me short to make my car payment.
OR
option B: pull an all nighter. go to work late. and risk my stats grade... meaning i might be stuck in this fucking school for another semester, being that they dont offer psych stats over the summer.

hmmm... car or school? makes yah wonder.

well anyhow, im off to spanish. damnit. i hate finals.

ugh. i guess im callin in sick tomorrow. *cough cough... sorry bitch, i cant be your fucking slave today*

whuteva. im working til midnight on a fucking saturday night. FUCK work.


May 8, 2003
i hate school i hate school i hate school. there's too much fucking pressure. i just wanna learn shit. not get this drilled into my head. i was to learn. understand. not just memorize. ugh. whatever. stupid grades. stupid overachievers and their need to boast about their scores. whatever. it's not the score that matters. its your level of understanding.


May 6, 2003
just when i thought it would all be over soon, shit. these past two weeks happen. not only is my fucking boss on CRACK. but she likes to be a bitch to us all with her nonsensical way of thinking. got into a car accident the other day on my way to school. motherfucker rear ends me and pushes me into the car in front of me. now ofcourse, my front looks worse than my rear. but there's no way in hell that his insurance is gonna cover the damages in the front of my car. cuz by law, i was at fault for hitting the chick in front of me. yeah. because i REALLY need this kind of stress right now. you know... since my dad got laid off a couple of weeks ago. and not like stupid robinsons may is gonna up and pay any bills. fuckers. but its k. he's workin again. but still. two weeks of income... that was 2K that our family has to go without. so guess who had to pick up the slack. but was i capable of doing that? um. no. swear like my creditors arent on my ass as it is. damnit. whatever. and stupid ass geoshities. i still cant post shit. fuckers.

but anyway. i just finished a final. i have 2 to go today. and as always, im functioning on minimal rest. 5 finals this week. 2 finals next week. and im fucking OUT of this place. [p.s. im only taking 6 classes... but psych teachers LOVE to have a "last exam" and THEN a final.] its about fucking time the summer came around. but damnit... where the hell is the sun?

forgive me for my absence. ive been writing a lot in my hand-written journal lately. i miss the smell of leather-bound paper. there's some things that i just can't explain to the masses. [ha. i swear like i have millions of readers. stupid girl.]

my sisters finally UNDERSTAND what the hell ive been going through this past year. about time. i love them to death and all... but human nature to assume. sucks to assume. but whuteva.

lately my only human contact has been with robinsons may employees and all our bitch customers. i really need to get the fuck out of there. but im lovin the girls in my department. im stuck again. damnit damnit damnit. but lately, ive had this urge to run a store. i had to purge paperwork at the athletes foot. helpin out bri cuz his superiors dont know what the fuck they're doing or how to run a store. it aint that hard. but these middle-aged retards dont seem to have a clue. i guess it just brought me to the harsh realization about my current employment status. and how pathetic ive become.

pathetic and fat.

but that's a whole nother story. and i have a stats exam to study for in half an hour.