Author: Innominate

Rating: PG-13 (mild language and innuendo)

Author's note: Rating is PG-13, though it's not entirely relevant for a couple more chapters. I also based some of my characterization in this chapter from the very first manga volumes, and if you've read any of those, then you understand why I placed that comment alongside the rating warning. ^^;

Thanks to everyone who reviewed — I wrote personal responses, because I like them myself, but I posted them on my livejournal rather than in the chapter. And you also introduced me to some great stories through both your own fanfiction and your favorites, so I thank you for that too.

Disclaimer: If I owned Yu-Gi-Oh! then sex in the soul room would be canon. So it's probably a good thing it belongs to Kazuki Takahashi instead.

"The wheels on the bus go 'round and 'round...'round and 'round...'round and 'round...the wheels on the bus go...OW!"

"Do they now," Kaiba says, as I rub my head from where he smacked me upside it. Underneath us, the wheels on the bus really do go 'round and 'round as we travel towards the mountain lodge. A charter bus, to be precise, with cushy seats, a TV suspended from the ceiling, and even its own bathroom. The school rented two of 'em for the trip. Would've been a pretty comfy ride--that is, if we hadn't been ordered to share seats with our roommates.

I glare at mine. "What'd you do that for?"

"Mutts are supposed to be seen and not heard," he says, not even looking up from his book. It's a big book, about as thick as his skull. I'd looked over his shoulder at it once but the words were so big it seemed they had scrambled just to spite me. I'm not a reader--well, okay, except for certain magazines I get, but I wouldn't really call that reading, exactly...ahem.

"Well, I'm bored." I sigh. Speaking of reading, I shoulda read the fine print for our 'week-long trip'--turns out two of the days of our week would be spent traveling to and from the ski lodge, seeing as it was twelve hours each way. And today, only ten point five more hours to go.

I halfheartedly wonder how Tristan and Duke are gettin' along on the other bus. Tristan and I got a bet going about which one of us will come to blows with our roommate first. And then we got a side bet about who'll win. I got it tougher with Kaiba, 'cause I'll admit--just not to him--that he's not all talk; his fists can back up that mouth of his. Whereas Tristan could beat Duke up in a heartbeat--though I doubt Duke's above hitting below the belt with those dice of his.

Eww. Bad mental image. I shudder and kick the seat in front of me. The person sitting in it turns around and looks at me. "Sorry, Yugi," I say sheepishly.

Yugi knows me and my attention span and just smiles in sympathy. "Wanna borrow one of my catalogs?" he offers.

My best friend reads advertising in his spare time. Considering our class, if it were anyone but Yugi I'd think he was cutting out letters for one of them ransom notes. But since it is Yugi, I know it's some sort of duel monsters advertisements and furthermore, he's just trying to help his grandpa. I do wanna see which new booster packs they have out. And since Yugi's grandpa will order one for me if I ask...

"Sure, thanks," I say, and he tosses a catalog back at me. I pass lots of junk. Keychains. Cheap plastic card cases. And hey, those rhinestone earrings Tristan was talkin' about. Duke must be franchising.

The adverts for the booster packs are near the back. I'm sitting and debating between Garoozis and Ax Raider when a shadow falls over the page.

"Excuse me," I shake the catalog and knock Kaiba away from my shoulder, "I believe I was reading here."

"The mutt can read?" Kaiba says sarcastically. He reaches for the catalog. "Let me see that."

Okay, so maybe I just said that I'm not much into reading, but if it bothers moneybags, then call me bookworm. Even if it's just a freakin' advertisement. Funny how much more valuable a thing can be when someone else wants it. And now I know what to get the guy who has everything--I think I'll give Kaiba fifty pounds of junk mail for his next birthday.

"When I'm finished," I say. I study the catalog like it's Shakespeare. 'Course then I really couldn't read it, as it's written in that stuff English teachers have the gall to call 'modern' English. Ah, there's the rub.

Kaiba rolls his eyes and reaches for the catalog again. "I just need it for a second. Be a good doggie and put the paper down. "

He has some nerve. Did he even say please? I think not. Oh, and he called me a dog. Again. Ya know, it's sad when you get used to these things.

"It's mine." I continue to peruse the booster packs. A Red Eyes Black Dragon or a Buster Blader? That is the question. Then Kaiba swipes at the catalog and--hey, he's got it.

"Gimme that!" We struggle, and of course--rip. Kaiba's holding the rest of the catalog with one page torn out. The page that's in my hand. I bet Shakespeare never had it this rough.

Yugi peers around the seat again. "Sorry, Yugi," I say sheepishly. Again. He looks at me curiously but shrugs.

"No problem."

"Just as I suspected..." Kaiba is mumbling to himself, not even bothering to apologize to Yugi for actin' like a baby and ripping his catalog. A Kaiba by any other name is still a jerk. I glance over to see what was so important. He's in the electronics section, and he pulls the page away from my view when he sees me staring. "Excuse me, I believe I was reading here."

Excuse me, he stole my line. I huff and shake out my single page of advertisements. "Fine, I'll just sit here and look at my Dank Magician in peace, then." I blink. Oops. Just another reminder that I need more than three hours of sleep a night. What? I was excited in spite of my roommate. And now I'm so tired that words are playin' Scrabble on their own, but that's a small price to pay.

Yugi laughs, probably picturing some strange fusion of the Dark Magician and the Thing That Hides in the Mud, while Kaiba just gives me a strange look, not bothering with an answer. He snorts at the catalog.

"Your grandpa actually buys this junk?" he asks Yugi. He says grandpa like it's a dirty word.

"Sometimes," Yugi says amicably. Lately he's been ignoring anything short of a direct insult, and sometimes even those, from Kaiba, as he's still obsessed with making friends with him. The lil' guy's a bit crazy on the friendship front. Not that it don't look good on him, but still. At times like these I think he must've been baptized in the Hope Springs Eternal one too many times. Sorta like that Achilles guy we learned about in English. 'Cept instead of having a weak heel he's tryin' to befriend one.

Kaiba's scowling at the page, completely ignoring Yugi's indomitable happiness. "He should stock from Kaiba Corp," he says. "Our most primitive model is ten times more technologically advanced than this..." He casts a derisive glance at the page. "Game Boy thing."

I take this opportunity to butt into the conversation. "Yeah, right! Like Yugi's grandpa would ever buy anything with your sorry name on it."

"Do you have a catalog?" Yugi asks.

Sigh. Et tu, Yugi?

While Yugi tries to bond with Kaiba over mutual funds, I take a look at the watch my sis gave me as a birthday present. It's in the shape of a time wizard, get it? And when the big hand is on the warphole and the little hand is on the skull we'll be at the lodge. Which means that now, only ten point twenty-five hours to go.

"The people on the bus go up and down...up and down...up and down...the people on the bus go..."

This time, I manage to duck.

~~~

So, one lunch stop, two food fights, three cases of carsickness, four bad movies, five fist fights, six cat fights, seven lost cell phones, eight stolen wallets, nine thieves rounded up, ten sexual harassment complaints, eleven bitch-slaps, and twelve hours later, we make it to the lodge. Ms. Freak had one-hundred pages of 'minor incident' reports to fill out, though I dunno why she looked so frazzled and surprised--the only thing surprising is that Yami Bakura wasn't one of the thieves.

The guy did try to start a shadow game on the way to the lodge. The only reason it didn't work was because Kaiba accidentally-on-purpose knocked over the tray Yugi and Bakura--well by that point their alter egos--were dueling on. I think he was actually trying to sabotage Yugi's hand, but that Yami Yugi has reflexes like a cat. While the other Bakura dropped his deck, we stopped for lunch, game over. Yami Yugi wins by default. Yami Bakura was pissed, but so what else is new? I'd feel sorry for nice Bakura, but I got the sneakin' suspicion he had something to do with throwing the game--literally speaking--near the end.

But enough o' that. Now we're here and it's too dark to ski because we got here at suppertime and not only that, it's raining. Raining. At a ski resort. That's just wrong. What's up with these admins? Didn't they check the weather report before leaving?

But since we're all tired and cranky and hungry, in spite of our grumblings we're all herded rather easily into the ski resort's main dining room. And I smell--steak. Hamburgers. Grilled chicken. To a vegetarian, it's a nightmare, but to Joey Wheeler, it's heaven. The class gets collectively happier as there's one mad rush to the all-you-can-eat buffet. That's more than two-hundred kids rushin' a hapless food bar. If the chicken weren't already dead it'd be runnin' away with its head cut off.

The food bar is saved when the chaperones form a human barricade and force us to act civilized about this whole mess. I bet the anchovies are quivering with relief. Dunno why. Who cares about anchovies? 'Cept people like Mako, but he's not in my school. He's probably still trying to cross the ocean on a surfboard to find his father or something. Poor guy. It's gotta be rough always swimming with the sharks, but then again, with Kaiba as my roommate, we've got something in common now.

Once I fill up my plate, I start lookin' for the others. Yugi's right behind me. Tristan an' Duke somehow got at the front of the line and they're already sitting down. And they're laughing together. Again, I might add. They kept each other in hysterics over lunch reciting practically the entire script of Dumb and Dumber. Can you believe it? Tristan's not only fraternizing with the guy who made me dress up as a dog, but he's sharing our movie! I really gotta do something about that.

I stalk up to them. "So now what's goin' on?"

Duke gives my navel a quizzical look. Oh, that's because he's trying to look Yugi in the eye and I'm currently blocking his view. I scoot out of the way as he says skeptically, "I didn't think Yugi liked this kind of stuff."

Tristan snorts. "Of course he does. He only looks like a child."

Uh-oh. Tristan's been hangin' around Duke too long--he should know better. Ya wanna piss Yugi off, all ya gotta do is mess with his looks. He gets highly sensitive.

Case in point. "I do not!" Yugi says. With that glare and that hair, he looks like a tie-dyed porcupine. Hey, I'd be scared.

But Duke's immune to it. "If you say so--" He crooks his finger for Yugi to come closer, and though Yugi's still mad, he leans in a little further. Duke gives Yugi a sly glance. "We're doing a little--comparison--of the latest Playboy bunnies."

Yugi's eyes get wide and he forgets all about his annoyance. "Really...?" he says eagerly. And then--"OW!"

Téa's gone and yanked on Yugi's chain. Uh, that's not what I meant. Anyway, she's got him by the scruff of his millennium puzzle and is giving Tristan and Duke a disdainful look. "What are you perverts doing? Come on, Yugi. I don't want these guys corrupting you." She pulls him away. Yugi looks highly pained.

I grin, then shrug at Tristan and Duke and follow Yugi. Under normal circumstances Yugi probably wouldn't have minded a tête-de-tête alone with Téa, but seeing as she's just wounded his manly pride, I gotta go salvage it. When she turns her back to sit down I lean over and whisper in his ear, "Don't worry, bud. When we get home I'll let ya borrow some of my own mags."

Yugi goes from being bummed to awed again. "Really Joey?"

"Sure! Gotta pay ya back for those catalogs, ya know."

Yugi's got the look of Christmas on his face. His eyes go all sparkly with joy. "Wow..."

Téa just glares at me. She can't tell what I'm sayin' but knows that I'm undermining her influence. So our definitions of friendship are a little different--she thinks bein' a friend is givin' pep talks and snuggle-bunnies. I say, what's a best friend if he won't share his porn?

Anyway, we survive dinner together. Téa's even kinda cool when she's not pullin' the "Mother Téa" act. In fact she gave us the dirt on everything that happened on the other bus--apparently Tristan and Duke were involved in two of the harassment complaints for some sort of lewd and illicit activity involving mirrors. Which is an idea they stole from me, I might add. But we didn't get to hear how the story ended because in the middle of it we hear what's to me the teeth-grinding sound of someone runnin' a finger over the rim of a glass of water. And next to an overly sensitive mike at that. I sigh. That's Ms. Freak's classic way of getting attention in the cafeteria.

Sure enough, she's standin' up close to the lodge's fireplace. She clears her throat into the mike and I can't tell if it's the mike squealing or her. "Attention, Domino High School Students," she says. "Domino High School Students only, please." I look around. It's after normal dining hours and there's like, five people in here that don't look like they're part of our group. And they're hotel staff. Ms. Freak still waits till they all look away to make sure her point is clear.

"Well, here we are, at the Mountaintop Ski Resort," she says, beaming at us as if we were supposed to clap at that statement. No duh. Ya know, she and Kaiba could get along well if they tried hard enough. They both got this thing for stating the obvious.

When we don't automatically cheer, she clears her throat again and says, "Since the weather didn't correspond with our initial plans, the resort staff has graciously allowed us the use of their dining room for the evening. So..." Her voice goes all high-pitched and squeaky, like she's trying to convince a bunch of toddlers to take their vitamins. "We've decided to pair up with our roommates and all play getting-to-know you games!"

Oh boy. A million thoughts in various shades of wrongness go through my head. I shake my head so hard to get rid of them that I got vertigo when I finally look back up at Ms. Freak. She's just standing and smiling at us, waiting for our reaction. Surely she didn't actually expect applause to that statement. Surely she could foresee the groans and shouts that pronouncement would cause. Doesn't look like it though, from the look on her face. First she's surprised, then flustered, and then--

Her hair seems to frizz to twice its normal size, and she raises her eyebrows so high they disappear into her pouffy bangs. Very menacing. "You will find your roommates, now," she snarls. Yikes. She's a bug with the heart of a pug. Lookit, that rhymes. I'm a poet and don't know it. Ms. Freak can't hear my doggerel so she barks her last instructions at the microphone. "Take a few minutes to break the ice. And have fun!"

Now I always thought that if you have to be told to have fun, what's comin' up is about as fun as a root canal. But still, I stand up and roll my eyes at Yugi, who looks sorry for me. "Talk to you later, Yug. Looks like I gotta go find the monkey."

Yugi laughs, which completely discredits the admonishing tone he attempts to use with his next words. "That's not very friendly, Joey."

And to Yugi, that's a capital offense. I give him a pat on the back to show I don't mean anything by it. "No worse than being a dog, I think. Hey, maybe we can count our fleas together--that friendly enough for ya?" Yugi laughs again and suddenly Ms. Freak swoops down on us. We're too close to the fireplace and she's decided to start walking around the room to see how we're all "getting along."

Before Ms. Freak can get onto us because we haven't found our roommates yet, Téa saves us by asking, "Ms. Freak, what should I do? I don't have a roommate."

But why'd she have to ask that? She could've borrowed mine. I could've talked to the coat rack in the corner an no one would've been the wiser. It's about as tall as Kaiba and has just as many brains.

Ms. Freak looks frazzled at the question. "Oh, that's right, you're the single," she says. And then she brightens. "I know! I'll be your partner."

Téa looks absolutely thrilled. Not. Actually she looks like she wants to hurl herself off a cliff, or at least hurl. But I'm feelin' something that's nothin' short of miraculous. 'Cause Téa's predicament has shown me that there are worse things than having to play getting-to-know-you games with Kaiba. I could've had to play them with Ms. Freak.

I scan the room. Moneybags is nowhere to be found. I must've just overlooked him. So I scan it again. Nope, still not there. What if I can't find him? Téa and Ms. Freak and I may have to form a threesome. I gag at the thought. Definitely gotta find Kaiba. Or the coat rack. Never underestimate the coat rack.

I start weavin' my way through some of the tables, and I'm one of the few people still standing up when I finally spot him. In the corner of the dining room there's a lounge area we used as a temporary luggage hold, and he's barricaded himself in there with his laptop. Unbelievable. A whole week without homework, and he's still workin' 24-7. The guy's a maniac. A dedicated maniac, I'll give him that, but a maniac nonetheless.

Gettin' to him is like an obstacle course--suitcases and stuff all over the place, some piled waist high, and Kaiba himself is radiating do-not-enter vibes. Ah well. I'm a risky kinda guy. I manage to pick my way to a sofa and knock several bags off so I can sit down opposite him. The whole time he only acknowledges my presence once, and that's when he has to move his laptop out of the way of a falling backpack. So it's not even me he's acknowledging exactly, it's my clumsiness.

Looks like it's gonna be up to me to start the conversation. Was there ever any doubt? Kaiba probably wouldn't even tell me if my shirt was on fire. Though I think I'd notice that on my own. Anyway, my point is that the only time I can count on Kaiba to talk to me is when he feels the need to put me in my place. Which leaves me to look around and ask, "So, Kaiba, what's with the habitat? Looks like ya built yourself a pillow fort over here. 'Cept the pillows are suitcases."

He doesn't look up from his laptop. "Suitcases are more durable."

Whoa. Mr. High-And-Mighty actually made a joke. That I wasn't the object of. 'Course, he may not be joking. You seen that briefcase he's always carryin' around? Thing's made of titanium or somethin'. Come to think of it--I don't think he was joking.

Time to change the subject. "So, Kaiba. Tell me about yourself."

He just glares at me.

I shrug. "What? Ms. Freak said we're supposed to be gettin' to know each other." Hmm, sounds like a song. "Gettin' to know...you..."

"Stop that howling." The look on his face tells me that according to him, my singing is even worse than my dueling. Which, according to me, means I must be good enough to be in the opera, but I prefer dueling. Anyway. I get the feelin' he cooperates just to shut me up. He snatches a sheath of papers from his briefcase and catches me off guard when he pelts them at me. "Want to know me? Read my expense reports."

And it's back to the laptop. I just stare at the papers in my lap in suspicion. Okay, so I'm not exactly the world's best student. But I'm not so bad at math. I even get the occasional C in there. But this? This ain't math, it's gooblygook. Columns and columns of numbers and I don't know what more than half of it means. That is, I recognize the Kaiba Corp. logo at the top, and that's it.

I toss it back at him. "Why don't you just tell me what it all means?"

Kaiba has a disgruntled look on his face, and I can see the wheels turnin' in his head. If he shares personal information with me, I might actually sympathize him. But he doesn't want sympathy from a 'common duelist.' But if he doesn't answer, I'd just keep jabbering. And apparently he hasn't thought of lying. So he finally gives me a response, delivered with the characteristic Kaiba scowl.

"It means Kaiba Corp is still trying to recover financially from a near-hostile takeover, and needs me at the office for more hours than are available in a day," he snipes at me. Bitter much? But he's not finished. "And yet here I am wasting an entire week talking to a guy who couldn't beat a dueling monkey."

Moneybags has a hole in his pocket? So that's why he was tryin' to pimp his products on Yugi on the bus earlier. Guess now's a bad time to ask for a loan. But I'm not heartless, so I reassure him. On the wrong point. "Don't worry, moneybags, I'll beat ya someday."

"You little..." is all I can catch above Kaiba's snort at that statement. And then Ms. Freak--lovely Ms. I-Have-the-Head-of-a-Man-Eater-Bug Freak--runs her finger over a glass of water in front of the microphone again. Over my cringing I'm surprised to see Kaiba wince too.

"How are we getting along?" she chirps in her baby-falsetto voice. "Are we making friends?" Yeah, I feel as friendly as a baby rabbit in a foxes' den. "Now don't just small talk," she chides us from the microphone. No problem there. Kaiba's always talkin' big to match his mouth. Ms. Freak continues. "Really get to know your roommates," she says. There's a titter from the audience, but she ignores it. "We want integration!" A couple people laugh openly now. Kaiba rolls his eyes. So he is listening. I couldn't tell, he'd kept typing even when Ms. Freak started speaking.

"Here, let's use an example. Téa, dear!" Deer is more like it. Téa looks like she's staring into the headlights o' doom. "Would you be my volunteer?"

Téa sighs and walks up to the stage. Ms. Freak beams. "Tell me, dear," she says conspiratorially, "Something that nobody else knows."

"But if I tell you here, everyone will know," Téa complains. Téa standin' up to a teacher? This is fun. Her answer puzzles Ms. Freak. She pulls the mike away to think about this and the class uses the opportunity to start talking again. Out of the corner of my eye I see Ms. Freak shrug helplessly and give up. I almost feel sorry for her, in that 'not really' kind of way.

Kaiba's still resolutely typing away. I dunno why I bother tryin'. A silent Kaiba is the best Kaiba. I sigh and try to prop my legs up on the sofa. All that happens is I knock a suitcase over and it springs open. It's a girl's suitcase. And hey, there's a pair of panties on top. A lace thong. This is a nice turn of events.

I pick it up and dangle it in front of Kaiba. "These yours, moneybags?" He stiffens. The guy actually stiffens. "Shut up."

He's gotta be kiddin'. I've finally found somethin' that honestly gets on his nerves and he wants me to give it up? "It's okay. You can tell me. Got a secret stash of ladies lingerie in your drawer at home, don't ya? Like to wear it around the house for Mokuba?"

Looks like the monkey's gone rabid on me. His eyes are narrowed and his voice is dangerously low. "I said shut up."

Ha, Kaiba's getting riled over a pair of panties. This is funny. I'm pushin' it, an' I know it, but I can't resist. "Or maybe you prefer to go au natural. Didn't know you were that kinky."

He slams his laptop shut and starts to pack things up. Does he really think he can get away that easily? We're rooming together, for cryin' out loud. But wait. He can't leave without a parting smirk. "Your friend Yugi does."

Now that's goin' too far. I'd prefer not to think about Yugi below the waist. I'm into porn, not child porn. Though don't tell Yugi I said that. "He does not. You keep Yugi out of it."

He knows he's pushin' my buttons now, so he can take the time to dawdle and rub it in. "Of course he does. Haven't you ever seen those tight leather pants he wears?"

Since when has Kaiba been staring at Yugi's butt long enough to tell? No, that's another thing I don't wanna know. I glare at him. "Yeah, as tight as your ass."

And the ball's back in my court. "Take that back." There's a scary edge to his tone. Speakin' of tight, the guy looks like his skin's about to snap from anger. He's never let me get to him like that before--I'm kinda proud of myself. Which is probably entirely the wrong emotion to be feelin' considering the purpose of this trip, but I'll take what I'm given.

And what have I been given? Only one day into the trip, and so far I already know that Kaiba doesn't like people insinuating that he wears women's undergarments or likes bein' on the bottom. Handy things to know. Maybe this trip will be good for something after all.

"Eh, make me," I tell him, stretchin' lazily over the sofa. "You'll have to get to me first." And there are twenty gazillion suitcases between us. One thing I can count on from Kaiba, he's predictable. He hates losin' his dignity, and so he won't make the effort for a 'common duelist' like me.

...Oh shit! He made the effort! I'm usually pretty good about thinkin' on the spot, but the only thing I can think right now is--I'm screwed. I scramble to sit up and defend myself as I say, "Now Kaiba--"

And then Kaiba's punch knocks me into a tower of suitcases. They all fall down, making a colossal sound, and everyone else looks this way. Someone shrieks "Fight!" and they all start running, but they'll be disappointed. Kaiba's made his statement and he's already makin' his way out, leavin' me on the floor with three dozen suitcases on top of me and an achin' jaw.

Well, at least I won my bet with Tristan.

*

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