I slept fitfully that night like the night Brian was to leave the first time. It was late in the morning when I woke and I had the feeling of sadness weigh me down. Brian would be gone again, and there was no way to know when I would ever see him again. My only chance was to follow his career. And through his mom.
As if on cue, the phone rang. "Hello Sue? It's Jackie." Came Brian's mom's voice on the other end of the phone.
"Hello, How are you?"
"I'm a little worried about Brian. He seemed very down this morning. Did you two have a fightlast night."
I sighed. "Jackie, we didn't have a fight. I've noticed the change in him though. He told me we should move on with our lives." I sniffed.
"Is that what you want?" she asked.
"Oh God no." I said and cringed that I had said that word to her. "Jackie I want Brian with me so badly. I truly love him. A lot of people won't believe me when I say that, but it's true. I don't want anyone else but Brian."
"Sue, I am sorry Brian has hurt you so much. I can hear the pain in your voice. I pray Brian sees his mistake, and soon."
"Thanks. So do I." I took a controlling breath. "I need him Jackie. He means everything to me."
"Have faith it will happen."
"Can I ask you a favour."
"Anything my dear. What can I do for you."
I felt the tears well up. "Please let me know how he is getting on, keep me informed. If I can't have him with me, I still want to know how he is."
"Of course Sue. I'll tell you everything."
"Except." I took another breath, to try and keep my voice steady. "I don't want to know if he has any new girlfriends." I said and sniffed loudly.
"Oh Sue, I wish you were here with me now. I want to give you a hug, tell you it will be alright. But that stubborn son of mine has ideas of his own right now.... He is following his dream, and it may or may not work out, but deep down, I know he loves you."
"Thanks Jackie."
"Oh, I have one more question."
"Yes?"
"How did Brian get a black eye?"
That came so out of the blue I laughed. "I don't know Jackie. Has he got one?"
"Yes a real shiner. I imagine the image makers at the group won't be impressed."
"Well, he didn't have one when he left here."
"He wouldn't tell me, just scowled."
I giggled at the thought. "Hey Jackie. What's the name if this group he has joined. He has never told me."
"The Backstreet Boys." She said."Oh, funny name. Like the Beach Boys. What kind of music do they sing?"
"Brian said pop/R&B"
"That suits him. I can imagine him singing that."
Jackie and I chatted for a while longer before she had to dash. I felt glad that I could at least keep up with Brian's whereabouts through her. I felt she would one day become my ally.
I got out of bed and showered. I was glad my mom and dad would have already gone to work. I couldn't face the thought of going through the evening with them. I picked up my trusty basketball and headed down to the local basketball courts.
As I walked closer I could see Jac in the distance, shooting some hoops. She was alone, but in the middle of a frantic work out. I heard a triumphant "she shoots, she scores," from her, and grinned to myself. Thank goodness she was staying here to study. I don't know what I would do if she left too. I drew strength from her and I needed her now more than ever.
"Jac," I called out and she froze.
"Ummm, Hi Sue."
"What's the matter? You look like you've seen a ghost."
"Not exactly. How did things go last night?" she asked and I lowered my head in case tears sprang up.
I shrugged one shoulder. "Not so good. He's gone again, and I don't know if I will see him again or not."
"I'd say you will." Jac said to me.
"Jac, how would you know." Light dawned. "Jac. You wouldn't know anything about a black eye Brian had would you?"
"Ummm, sorta."
"WHAT did you do?"
"Ummm, I hit him."
"You what? Oh great, he's really going to want to come back here now. I send him away and you go and punch him. Why did you hit him for Heavens sakes?"
"He annoyed me."
"Will you stop taking in riddles and tell me?"
Well, I went over there to tell him off. You know the 'How could you do this to her Brian. How could you? You've no idea what she's gone through the last few months. Waiting on your every word...and you! You off having the time of your life...not giving a damn about it... oh I know it's all fresh and exciting for you. But you made a promise... and I thought you'd honour it but I guess you're a typical guy after all.' Something along those lines."
"You said all that? What did he say?"
"He told me it was none of my business and I told him when it hurts my friend, it is my business." I leaned over and hugged Jac.
"Thank you Jac. Maybe he will see some sense."
"Well, he still didn't like me telling him. He got all defensive and started on me. Said I should grow up and start acting like a girl. I saw red and Whamo. I hit him, right in the eye."
I looked at the ground. "He really has changed hasn't he? The Brian we knew two months ago wouldn't have said that."
"No, so I hope the black eye reminds him of who his real friends are."
"I blame Kevin for this. I'm angry at him right now. If he had never rang Brian."
"Oh him! Yeah, it's his fault." Jac snarled out.
"On the other hand, It's Brian's dream, who am I to stop him?"
"You are the woman who loves him." Jac put her arm on mine.
I looked in the distance. "Yeah, I am, and I always will."
"But Sue, it looks like it is time to move on."
I shook my head. "I can't Jac, I can't forget like that, and I can't turn off the feelings I have in here for him," I tapped my heart. "They will always be there. I am just not interested in anyone else."
"We're here for you Sue.
"Thanks. Now lets play ball."
The next couple of months were the same as the previous two months. I heard from Brian sporadically, then nothing. He forgot my birthday which hurt the most of all. Jac had wanted to take me out for dinner and a movie, but I refused to go. I wanted to wait for Brian's call. When it didn't come, I again cried myself to sleep. Our separation was getting worse and I was at a loss as to what to do. I couldn't contact him, he was always out of the country. Or he was busy. My birthday call came a week later, with Brian using the usual excuses he always used. They were wearing thin, but I thanked him for the call. Why wouldn't I, it was just so good to hear his voice. I hung on his every word until he had to go again.
Jac and I started at Kentucky Uni not long after that and my days and nights were spent with study. We rented a flat between us and a third girl who we fast became firm friends with too. Her name was Kerry and I liked her a lot. She was quiet and easy going, total opposite to Jac who was still easy going, but not the quiet one. I laughed when I saw the two of them together, they were like chalk and cheese.
In the November I learnt Brian had a new girlfriend and I was devastated. I thought my heart had broken when he left, but this was worse. I couldn't handle the fact and drew into myself more and more. Jac tried to draw me out, but nothing she did was working. Kerry tried, but neither of them fully understood the love I felt for Brian. Or the hurt I now felt. They tried to fix me up with dates, but they never worked. They just weren't Brian. He was all I wanted.
He came home for Christmas in 1994, but I couldn't go to see him. When my family went there, I stayed at home. It was 2 years since the day Brian and I declared our love and I did not have long enough with him. I would break up if I saw him. I knew I would. I knew Jac was there and I had asked her not to say anything. But when there was a knock at our door and I opened it to see Brian there, I knew she had.
"I don't want to see you Brian." I croaked out. Why was he doing this to me. He had a girlfriend, he didn't need to come and make my life worse.
"Please Sue, I want to talk. I want to see you."
"Why? So you can compare?"
"Sue. Please don't be like this."
"Why? To let you off the hook, so you have 'done the right thing' and talked to me? No Brian, I don't want to talk to you. You broke my heart and took it with you. I have nothing left to give, to anyone. So, just go away and leave me alone please. It hurts too much to look at you." I said and closed the door. He left then, I don't know how he felt, but Jac said he was edgy when he got back to his house where they all were.
Not long after that the group released their first single. Brian sent me one in the mail with a short note, telling me he still loved me. I shook my head. Did he even know what love was? I liked the sound of the song though. I could hear his voice as plain as day. I found myself listening to it a lot, it helped me feel just a little part of him was with me. In 1996 I received an album in the mail from him. He still thought of me but not enough to pick up the phone and ring me.
I heard Brian broke up with his girlfriend. She had him as her boyfriend for longer than I ever had and I hated her for it. I was glad they split up and I hoped she had a broken heart too. I didn't know if what I said had anything to do with it, but at that stage I didn't care. I was shielding myself from any sort of pain. I wanted no involvement with anything that meant emotional attachment except for my two friends.
I kept anything and everything I found about Brian in the teen magazines, and what I saw on TV. I had to know what he was doing. I had to know what was going on in his life. In some small way it helped keep him close to me, keep him in my heart. It wasn't enough, but it was something. I never let on to Jac or Kerry what I was doing, they were already worried enough as it was. To them I studied too much, but this was building my career in graphic design and computers. There was good money in it these days. I was becoming very independent and that they were happy about. If I didn't have Brian, It was all there would be.
And I stayed in touch with Jackie. While it was hard to listen to her talk about Brian, I still wanted to know everything. She was proud of her son. Heck I was proud of him too, very proud of all he had done. As much as he had hurt me I still loved him. I wanted him back, but I would never fall into his arms with just a look or touch. He would have to prove himself to me in a big way.
Jackie knew how much I loved Brian and she kept telling me one day we would be together. We were often together talking. She hadn't liked the girlfriend he had had, but he was alone again. We talked of how I felt a dislike to the other band members. Irrational as it may be, I felt they were responsible for taking Brian away from me. She told me they were all very nice and Kevin said Brian often talked about me. Kevin believed Brian still loved me, but didn't know how to fix things between us. If he only knew all he had to do was call.
I finished my uni degree in the summer of 1997 and began working freelance as a graphic designer. I could pick and choose my work, having graduated with honours. Graduation day had been a blast with my friends, but I still longed for Brian to be there to share it with me. Jackie told me later he was there, but couldn't make himself come over and see me. He was proud of my achievements and wanted to be there. I wished he had come to see me, but maybe things were beyond repair, if he couldn't even come to say hi. I thought back to the time I said I didn't want to see him anymore and understood.
About the time Brian sent me another album, the European version of their second album, Jackie was beginning to tell me she was seriously worried about his health. He had been told by his doctor he needed heart surgery to fix the hole he had had since birth. But Brian kept putting it off and it was effecting his day to day life, as much as he refused to admit it. Kevin could see it and was keeping Jackie informed. I knew all about his heart problems, so I worried too.
"Sue, do you think you could talk some sense into him?" She asked me at one of my many visits to see her. I could see the hopelessness in her eyes.
I was shaking my head. "I don't know Jackie. I don't think he would listen to me."
"I think you are the only one he would listen to. He still loves you, you know?"
"No he doesn't."
"He does. He told me, but he thinks he let things go too long. I was not supposed to tell you, but I do think you should know. I know how much you love him."
"With all my heart Jackie." I told her. She had always known.
"So please talk to him, get him to see reason, you are my only hope Sue. He keeps putting this off."
I saw the desperation in her eyes, she was worried about Brian's health, his life. When she mentioned this could kill him, there was no question in my mind. I had to agree. Life without Brian, but still seeing him from a distance was hard enough, but to have a life with no Brian would tear me apart.
So, December 1997 Jac, Kerry and I took a vacation to Florida, armed with phone numbers, addresses and names of anyone relevant for the task at hand.