I was nervous about being in Florida, but more nervous about seeing Brian again. That was the aim of the trip, to see him and try and make him see reason. But also just to be with him again. Jackie had told me they had some down time and he wasn't coming home till closer to Christmas. I thought he may actually be coming home about the time we were headed back home.
Florida was a nice change to the cold winter we were having in Lexington. While it was still cool, it wasn't depressingly cold like home. We had booked an apartment close to where Brian lived and within easy reach of the theme parks we thought we might visit. If I had time.
Ideally I would rather be spending the whole two weeks with Brian, but I didn't know if that was going to happen. Just because I wasn't going to trust him as easily, didn't mean I didn't want to be with him. I spent a lot of time daydreaming about the being with him again, and Jac and Kerry had both said they didn't expect to see much of me for the two weeks. But I had to be careful not to fall into the same pattern before. I was a stronger person now.
So as soon as we were settled into our apartment, Jac rang Brian for me. I couldn't make the initial contact and was forever in her debt for doing it for me.
"Can I speak to Brian please?…. Oh it's you. Wow, you sound so different…. It's Jac!….. Yeah, we're here in Florida. Can we see you?…. No I won't hit you this time….. So long as you are nice to Sue and don't make her cry…. Yeah, Sue's here too…. No she doesn't know I am calling….. I am sure she would love to see you…..You really do?…. Aww Brian, you have to get over that, she was hurting.….. Okay, in an hour. Where?… Okay, that would be easier, I reckon we will get lost…. Alright, see you then, Bye." She said and hung up.
Jac stood there with a smug look on her face. "Well?" I asked my heart pounding with anticipation. "Jac, what did he say? Don't do this to me." I was all but jumping up and down on the spot.
She smiled. "Okay." She paused for effect. "Sue, he still loves you."
"No, he didn't say that."
"He did. He told me he still loved you but didn't know how to fix things between you. You told him you didn't want to see him anymore. I told him he had to get over that. You were hurting at the time." She stopped. "Sue!" She took hold of my arms and looked me in the eyes to emphasis what she was about to say. "He still loves you Sue."
I smiled to myself. Did he really mean it? "Jac, where are we meeting him?"
"He's coming here. In an hour."
"An hour? Jac how will I be able to face him? What if I react the same way I did the night of the Prom? How do I cope with having him in front of me." A million things were running through my mind, but first and foremost was the fact that he still loved me.
Jac now put her hands on either side of my face and made me look at her. "Sue, this is what you have wanted for 4 ½ years. You will be with Brian again and you will not run away, do you hear me?" I nodded. "Kerry and I will give you privacy okay?" I nodded again. "But not until you let us know you are okay. Okay?"
"Okay. Jac. I'm scared. What if he doesn't like me anymore when he sees me. I've changed in that time." I was beginning to panic now.
"What's not to like? You've changed maybe, but you will knock Brian's socks off. He will fall in love with you all over again."
Jac was good for me. She kept me confident at a time I wasn't feeling it. Kerry put her point of view across. "Sue, ever since I have known you, you have dreamt of this moment. Seize the moment, don't let this chance pass you by. It may be your only one, so don't stuff it up."
I blinked. Kerry rarely ever cursed so it meant she was serious. I looked at them both, close to tears. They were very special friends.
"Now don't you dare cry," Kerry continued and I couldn't help but laugh. Quiet, easy going Kerry was really laying the law down to me.
"I just thought about how special you both are and I want to thank you both for coming here with me. You didn't have to come, yet you did."
"Are you kidding?" Jac said. "Getting away from the Kentucky weather for Orlando? I know what I would rather. Gives me a break from my writing and might inspire me further. You know I am stuck in my storyline. And besides, being here to help you is what matters."
"Couldn't have said it any better myself." Kerry said and the three of us hugged tightly.
I waited the hour anxiously, watching the clock as I paced. I was ready for this, having freshened up and looking casual. Ten minutes before the hour was up the doorbell sounded and I stopped still. My breath caught and I looked panicked at Jac and Kerry.
"Sue, you'll be okay. It's Brian. He won't do anything to hurt you."
I shook my head at Jac's words. "He's already done that. I'm not ready Jac."
"Yes you are. You've been waiting four years, of course you are ready. How much longer do you want to wait? Now go answer the door."
"No, you answer it Jac." Said shaking my head.
"Sue!" Kerry said as the doorbell rang again. "Get to that door and open it or he will go away." She pushed me in the direction. "You can't lose this chance. Remember we went through this before."
I absently walked to the door and put my hand on the knob. I turned to look at the girls and they nodded their heads. I closed my eyes and took a breath and slowly turned the knob.
The door opened and in front of me stood Brian.
All sorts of emotions ran through me at that moment. Everything I had felt in the past 4 ½ years came flooding back to me, the hurt, the feeling of total despair, the tears I cried. I stood, looking at Brian, not knowing what to say. I noticed Jac and Kerry had disappeared.
Brian looked great, he had matured so much from the just 18 year old who had left Lexington in 1993. I had seen him on the TV of course, but that did not do him justice. He wore jeans and a red sweatshirt, so casual, but it could have been a tuxedo or rags, he looked perfect to me.
"Hi Sue." Brian said simply. I could tell he was nervous.
"Hi Brian. Long time no see." I managed to get out.
That hit the mark and he closed his eyes and sighed. "I'm so sorry Sue. God you're a sight for sore eyes."
"You're sorry?"
"Yes, I am Sue. I never meant for any of what happened to happen. Things just got out of control and I couldn't see a way back. Look, could we go somewhere. To talk. Nothing else." I didn't know what to say and Brian reached out and touched my arm. "Please Sue."
There was no way I could resist that plea. He was the man I loved. The man I would always love, and I knew in my heart I would do anything he wanted. But I was not going to let him hurt me again. The walls had been built to protect myself. But I still felt vulnerable. "Okay Brian, I'll come, but just to talk."
He let out a breath. "Thank you Sue."
I gave him a small smile. "Let me just tell Jac and Kerry."
"Don't worry about us Sue, just go." Jac's voice came from around the other room.
Brian and I chuckled. "Hi Jac," he yelled out.
"Hi Brian." We heard and a sweater came hurtling at me from around the corner hitting me on the head. It was my Kentucky U sweatshirt Brian had given me way back on that special Christmas day. Brian's eyebrows rose questioningly when he saw it but I said nothing. I put it on and we walked out the door and towards the elevator.
I longed for him to take my hand. I wanted some sort of contact with him. He didn't and he kept a respectable distance between us. I was getting mixed messages from him. He had told Jac he still loved me, but he was acting like he really didn't want to be with me.
We said barely anything until we got downstairs. Then he walked up to an older man, quite big in size and spoke to him briefly before coming back to me. He led me to his car, briefly touching me on the small of my back to help me in. That touch alone, made me realise no matter what, there was no doubt I was still his, I always would be.
Brian drove the short distance to a small coffee shop that he knew of. We were in his neighbourhood and I liked what I saw. We were both silent for the trip, it felt like Brian was trying to weigh up his words. He seemed deep in thought and I didn't want to break his concentration. I also didn't want to be the first one to speak. I was the one who had been hurt.
He showed me into the quiet coffee shop, again guiding me with the touch of his hand on my back. If he didn't stop this I would be in his arms in a heartbeat. I sat and looked at him. He's used the phrase sight for sore eyes. Gosh I had to agree with him, he sure was to mine. But I was curious about something. "Brian, who was that man you talked to at the apartment?"
He looked embarrassed almost. "My bodyguard," he answered and I laughed, really laughed. It felt good too. It was the perfect icebreaker.
"Why is that so funny?" he asked frowning. He had no idea.
"Don't you remember Brian?"
"Remember what?"
"Our first date." I could see him struggling to remember and now I frowned. Did he remember anything about our short time together? I had watched that movie countless times.
"The movie," he said suddenly. "The Bodyguard. I remember."
"Yeah, and how we both said we could never imagine being so famous that we would ever need one." I looked up at him, "So what's it like to be so famous that you need one?"
"It has it's ups and downs." He reached over and took my hand in his and I froze. "But that's not what I want to talk about Sue." I wanted to take my hand away from his. His touch was clouding my mind, not something I needed at this time. Every second he held on brought me closer to pleading with him to love me again.
Lucky for me the waitress arrived at this point and he let go of my hand reluctantly to let me look at my menu. We both ordered café lattes and some cheesecake to eat, and when the waitress took my menu, I promptly put my hands in my lap. This didn't go unnoticed by Brian and he sighed.
He sat, fidgeting, he wanted to be holding my hand while he did this, I could tell, but I was not going to help him out in any way. "Sue." He said and stopped. He looked at me and I could see regret in his eyes. "Look, what I want to say is I'm sorry. Do you think you will ever be able to forgive me?"
"That depends."
"On what?"
"On what you actually think you are apologising for."
He smiled sadly at me. I was testing him and he knew it. "First and foremost for the way I treated you. I will never be able to take away the hurt I put you through, but I want to try and make it up to you." He stopped to gauge my reaction. I sat still, wanting to hear him out, needing to hear him say what he wanted without my prompting. "For not keeping in touch with you, for not sharing everything with you. For ignoring your needs when we were supposed to be so much in love. For not being able to turn back time and sharing it all with you. But most of all for the pain. For hurting you."
I didn't say anything for a little while and our coffees arrived giving me time. I didn't know how to answer him, but he had apologised for the right reason. I played with my coffee, dropping sugar in to it, and stirring it like it was a grand production.
"Sue, do you think you could forgive me?" he urged me.
I looked at him for as long as I could before answering. I saw the anguish in his face, the fear that I was going to say no. Didn't he know how much I wanted him again. "Yes Brian, I will forgive you, but it will take a long time for the hurt to go away, for the trust to come back. What exactly do you want from me?"
He opened his mouth to speak and closed it again. "I want to know if it's possible that I will ever get a second chance. If you would ever consider us going out again, on a regular basis. Like exclusively." He sighed. "Do I have a chance Sue?"
Again I couldn't answer. I wanted to scream yes at him, but this time he had to earn my love. "Brian, you want me to be honest?"
"Yes, please do Sue. But first know this. I still love you. I think I always have. All the time I was treating you so badly I knew I was wrong. But I couldn't stop myself. If I knew why I would tell you. I was young and having fun, it was all so exciting and new. I know that is no excuse, but it happened I can't take it back, and I am sorry."
I nodded. He said he still loved me. Everyone told me he did. "Okay, honestly now. I want to say yes Brian. I never stopped loving you. You always had my heart, and yes, exclusively," I said using his word, "You still have my heart and I still love you. But." I took a deep breath. "But, after feeling like I did, after the way you treated me Brian, I don't know if I can trust my heart to you again." I looked at him, his face looking very forlorn. "I can't just give you what you want."
"But there is a chance? I have a chance?"
"I don't know Brian. I honestly don't."
"But I can try? You just watch me try Sue. How long are you here for?"
"Two weeks."
"No matter what you think Sue, I am going to show you how much I love you, how much I need you. All I can do is try."
I smiled slightly at him. He was persistent. I knew he would win this argument because I was always his anyway. But he didn't know that. I just needed him to show me, prove to me he loved me and what happened before would never happen again.
