Chapter 21
Late March the three of us boarded a plane to Germany. I was beyond excited. Not only was I going to be with Brian again, but it was the first time I had ever gone overseas. It had been a rush to get passports organised and at one stage I didn't think it would be ready in time. But two days before we were to leave it arrived by special delivery.
The plane flight was long and tiring but all I could think about was being with Brian again. I was really glad when we landed, ending the long flight. I was in no state to see Brian like this, but I really didn't care. I just had to see him.
I was expecting to see Tom at the airport again, but no sooner had we got off the plane and someone tapped me on the arm. I did see Tom, in the distance, but I looked around at the other person. I blinked and then grinned.
"Brian?" I whispered.
He nodded and pulled me into his arms. "I couldn't wait. I had to see you." He lowered his head for a kiss, and I felt the usual longing, even in the short kiss. "Oh Sue, you look good. It's so good to hold you again." He said holding me tight.
I giggled at his disguise. His baseball cap was low over his head and he wore dark sunglasses, a huge scarf around his neck. It was still easy to see it was him, but no one would have been expecting to see him here. "Come on, we have to get out of here. I can't stick around. The driver will get your bags." He wrapped his arms around me and led me away, Kerry and Jac following right behind us.
As soon as we got to the hotel, the limo drove through a throng of fans, to a hidden entrance. If I thought there were a lot in Canada, I was wrong. I was glad there was a hidden entrance. It scared me to see so many people screaming for Brian. It made me worry about his safety. Brian had once told me their security was first rate, but there were still times they were scared.
When we got into our hotel room, and this time Brian didn't hesitate to include me in his room, he pulled me in to his arms. He kissed me deeply, using his lips and tongue to show me how much he missed me. I had missed him equally as much, returning the kisses.
My head was spinning when he pulled away and I looked at him. Really looked at him and I saw how tired he looked. That worried me, but I really didn't want to spoil our reunion with talk of his surgery. He needed to have it and from what everyone had said, he was still putting it off. That thought still terrified me, so I could sympathise with him. Right now I wanted to enjoy our reunion, kiss him and talk to him again.
Not long after we had to leave for the venue they were recording their special. Brian told me it was a live unplugged concert, meaning there was to be no dancing around. When we got there I understood what he meant. There were 5 chairs arranged on a small stage, the mood was set to a soft glow. Kerry, Jac and I were shown to where we would view the performance, a little to the side of the stage. We would get a very good view from there, and would still be out of the way of the fans. It wouldn't be fair to block their view.
I was mesmerised during the show. All 5 of the guys put their hearts and souls into the songs they were singing so beautifully. This was to be a TV special in Germany, and also going to be made into a video, so it had to be perfect. And it was. By the time they were finished, they were very proud of themselves. I was proud of them, I was sure Jac and Kerry were too.
Brian had spent a lot of the time gazing at me love radiating from his eyes. He covered it well for the camera's but it was plain to see, by anyone there, that his eyes were on me. I blushed, realising the implications of his actions. But I also glowed, feeling his love. That also terrified me because of his health.
That night, as I lay in Brian's arms, wanting him, but afraid to say anything, I instead worried about his health. He didn't look healthy during the show. Not to my eye anyway. To everyone else he may look okay, especially made up for the camera, but to me he wasn't right. I knew Brian well, and something was up. I had to bring this up with Brian, but I had to pick the right time.
The following morning was not the right time. "Brian. I'm worried about you." I saw him tense when I told him. His fingers stilling on the buttons he was doing up. He didn't say a word. "Brian. When are you having your surgery?"
"I don't want to talk about it." He said dismissively.
"Okay, you don't want to talk about it now. Brian, when will you talk about it?"
"Not now." He said and walked into the bathroom closing the door. I flinched as it closed, feeling a part of me crumble. I only wanted to talk to him about it. It was something that needed to be talked about. Something I wanted to know about.
Things were strained for the remainder of the day and I didn't want it to be like that. I wanted to enjoy every minute with Brian, but I couldn't help but worry. I noticed little things. Little things like his conserving energy at every chance he got, sitting when he could be standing. At the venue he would travel in their little cart instead of walk. And he didn't play basketball before the show. That was the biggest indicator of them all, and I vowed to watch him every second of tonight's show.
I insisted on sitting close to the stage, closer than I normally would. It was frowned upon that I was so demanding, but damn them, this was Brian's life I was worried about. No one else seemed to be too worried. I was worried and nothing would stop me from looking out for him.
The concert started as usual, and I bopped along with the music. Brian was doing fine for now, waving at me every so often, smiling at the fans making contact with them, but when they went offstage for their first break, I suspected it was taking a little too long. I made my way to the backstage area met by frowns as I went. I was fast earning a name as a trouble maker but I didn't care. When I got backstage, I knew I had done the right thing.
I stopped dead in my tracks, unable to move. Brian sat in a corner, an oxygen mask on his face, taking deep breaths. My heart pounded with fear and I couldn't move. Brian saw me and his eyes revealed defeat. He knew there would be no putting me off now. He called me over by waving his hand at me.
I walked the short distance. "Brian?" I questioned, fear in my voice.
He pulled the mask away. "It's under control Sue."
"Under control?" I screeched. "Brian, you have to get this fixed."
"I will, when I can get time off."
"Time off Brian? It might be too late when they let you have time to save your life. Oh My God Brian, do you have any idea how scared I was when I walked around that corner and saw you with an oxygen mask on your face."
"I know." He tried.
"You don't know. You can't know how I felt. It terrified me. I won't lose you again this way. But you will lose me."
His eyes shot up. He dropped the mask and looked at me. "What?"
"Brian, you either have this surgery or I won't be sticking around. I can't bare to see you like this knowing it can be fixed."
"Sue." He started but I held my hand up.
"No Brian, I'm going. I can't do this. I can't see the damage you are doing to yourself. I'll see you when you see sense." I said and started walking away. I had every intention of packing and leaving.
"Sue." He called out. I saw Kevin standing not far away, a watchful eye on what was going on. I had captured the attention of a few people standing around. I turned and looked at Brian.
"What?" I asked him curtly.
"I'm having the surgery."
I blinked and looked back at him, not sure if I had heard him right. "What did you say? I asked.
"I said I am having the surgery."
I walked back to him and he took my hand. "Why didn't you tell me Brian." Why wouldn't he have told me?
"Because I am scared."
I sat beside him, my manner changing in an instant. I took his hand in mine. "Brian. I don't understand, why couldn't you tell me?" I asked, but the call came for him to return to the stage. He quickly took another breath of the oxygen and squeezed my hand. "Later." He said and rushed out again.
I stayed where I was for quite some time. I had to let what Brian had just told me sink in to my mind. He was having the surgery. Why wouldn't he have told me this. What possible reason would he have for keeping this information from me. I didn't know how I should be feeling. Relieved or mad at him. He could have told me, but on the other hand, he was doing the right thing, having it. I wondered when it would be.
Kerry came backstage looking for me. She convinced me to come back and watch. Both she and Jac had picked up on the tension between Brian and I and had made sure to keep an eye out for me. I was okay though, all I needed was for Brian to tell me what was going on. And I needed to be close, in case he was in trouble again.
I decided to stand by the entrance to backstage. That way I could see him up there, and also be at hand if he got in trouble too. He came back for more oxygen two more times and I hovered by his side. I could tell he was feeling uncomfortable, and it took all my strength not to fuss over him, I wanted to do something for him, but I stayed back for now. I saw the look of defeat in his eyes, a look of resignation. He knew he would have to explain and it took it's toll on him. I saw it in his performance that night. He was not his usual self. But then again, maybe this was what he was like now, not having the energy he used to. Later he was going to have to explain.
Jac had come in and had seen Brian with the mask on his face. She came to my side grabbing my arm. "Is he okay?" she asked full of concern.
"I don't know Jac, he won't tell me. Not yet."
When Brian left, looking at me, his eyes full of apology, Jac turned me in her arms and hugged me, rubbing my back for comfort. "I wish I could say he'll be okay."
"I know Jac. I just want to know what's going on."
It was tense on the way back to the hotel in the bus. The guys knew I had seen Brian, and of course now Jac and Kerry knew too. They had taken it in turns to stay with me for the rest of the concert. I think they were as worried about me falling apart as they were for Brian. I was glad they did, otherwise I might have. I knew I was on the verge of losing it.
Brian trudged to our room holding my hand tightly. I sensed he was holding on, needing the contact for strength. I would give him anything he needed, just so long as he would tell me what was going on. I couldn't do anything without him telling me.
When we got in the room he went to the bathroom, closing the door. I walked over to the window, looking out at the city lights waiting for him to come out. I was lost in thought when he came out, I didn't hear him till he put his hand on my shoulder. I jumped visibly. "Shit Brian, you scared me."
He turned me around and pulled me into his arms, holding me tight. I put my arms around him, letting him hold me for as long as he needed. It was a while before he moved away, I didn't know how long, but when he looked at me he had tears in his eyes. "I'm sorry Sue," he said quietly.
He looked tired, like he was physically exhausted. I led him over to the bed and we sat down. "Why didn't you tell me Brian?" I asked him.
"I couldn't Sue." He said pulling me close to him. He needed the contact. It was different to a loving need, it was a spiritual and emotional need. He needed me, and I would always be here for him, I had to let him know that.
"You can tell me anything Brian. When is your surgery?"
"8th May, a little over 5 weeks away." He looked at me, deeply into my eyes. "I'm scared Sue."
"Oh Brian, of course you are. But I'll be here for you."
"Will you?" he asked, the insecurity evident in his voice.
"Brian. Do you doubt that I would?" He shrugged his shoulders. "I'll always be here, I always have been."
"But I wasn't for you," he said looking away.
"Brian, that's in our past. We are moving forward. I will always be here, I love you." I had to know. "Brian, why wouldn't you tell me?"
"I promised you I wouldn't leave you again. I'm scared I won't have a choice this time."
His words hit me like a sledgehammer. Had I made him so insecure in our relationship that he would feel like that. "Brian, I'm so sorry." I ran my fingers through his hair, trying to comfort him. "I never meant for you to feel like that." Regret was coursing through me. "Do… Do you want to talk about it?"
"I'm scared Sue. What if it doesn't work, what if it makes me worse." He took a shuddering breath. "What if…." He trailed off.
"Shhhhhh." I put my fingers over his lips. "I'll be there with you. I will be your strength. Together we will get through this."
"I need you Sue."
'I'm here Brian." I held him for a while, letting him feel my presence. "What scares you the most Brian?"
"Everything. The thought of surgery, wondering what will happen, the rehabilitation, the uncertainty of the whole thing."
"But surely your doctors have been through it all with you." I said to him. Any doctor doing this sort of thing would go through all this with their patient.
"Yeah, he has, but there is still the unknown. What if….. what if it doesn't go as planned. I promised you forever. I might not have forever to give."
I looked up in the air, trying to hold tears at bay. "Brian, together we will get through this. I know in my heart everything will be fine. I love you and we will have forever." He looked at me, a weak smile on his face. "You're exhausted Brian. Go to sleep now. I'm here, I'm not going anywhere."
I helped him get ready for bed, then sat beside him stroking his hair, like you would a sick child. "Lay down with me," he pleaded.
I smiled. "Sure Brian." I climbed into the bed beside him, wrapping my arms around him. He pulled me closer, and I rested my head on his chest, listening to his heart beat. Together we would get through this. From this moment on, I swore I would stay through this with him. I didn't know how I would do it, but I would. I was going to help the man I loved for my whole life before and after the life saving surgery he was now planning. There was no place to be that was more important to me than here at this time.
Chapter 22
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