Chapter 22

And so it was. With help from my friends when they got back to Lexington, they organised all the relevant information I needed to do my work on the road. I had some things I couldn't just drop, but I did the barest minimum, spending the rest of the time with Brian.

He relaxed a lot more, and over the next few weeks we talked a lot. About his fears, about his plans, about after the surgery, and how we would both get through this. He avoided the subject of the future, but I understood his reasons. We could talk about that after.

I also grew to love Brian even more. I hadn't even known it would be possible, but it happened. His generosity, not only to me, but to strangers he met, fans, hotel staff, everyone. He had his times when he was just plain exhausted and couldn't be jovial, but on the whole, everyone who met him loved him. Watching him I glowed with love and pride.

I had caused a stir with the Boys management. A girl staying with one of the Boys was frowned upon by them, but Brian insisted I stay. I said my piece too, and there was absolutely no way they were going to stop me from travelling with Brian and looking out for him. They had failed him so far, I wasn't giving them the chance to do it again. Any time they made some decision that would affect his health, I was straight onto them. They had no legal influence over me, so I was free to speak my piece about it. And I did, many times. Brian's health was my number one concern, not how much money he could make them. In my opinion, he shouldn't have even been touring as he was now.

I never knew I had this determined, protective streak in me, being a quiet agreeing type, but for the one I loved I became tough.

Jackie spoke to me many times on the phone, thanking me profusely for being the one to influence Brian into having the surgery, and also for being there for him now. Brian had rang her many times, telling her how much it meant to him to have me there by his side, and she thanked me. Of course I told her thanks weren't necessary, but she still did it.

I talked to Jac and Kerry on the phone many times too. They kept me up to date with the going's on back at home. Kerry missed AJ and I kept her informed on his life. He was missing her like crazy too, and it helped him to have another girl to talk to about it, especially one who knew Kerry so well. So too Jac and Kevin. After all their childhood antics, constantly picking on one another, they had become very close.

Kevin helped me through the stress of coping with Brian's illness. When things got too much for me, it was him I turned to. I couldn't burden Brian with my worries, and I would be forever grateful to Kevin for listening to me the many times I used his shoulder. Many tears were cried on his shoulders, but he was always willing to listen. He told me he thanked the day I returned into Brian's life because I was good for him in every way.

Spending all that time with Brian didn't once put a pressure on our relationship. It was as if some unspoken agreement had settled between us. I still wanted Brian with a passion, but now his health and well being were more important. I did not want to pressure him to further our relationship now. In the back of my mind it felt to me if I had, it was like admitting there was a chance of things not going right, and I wouldn't do that to him.

So life carried on. I went with Brian everywhere. To his interviews, on their free time, to their concerts. If he was sick of me hanging around him, he never showed it, constantly holding me close, kissing me every opportunity he had. The other guys gave him a hard time about it, but he brushed them off. We were in love and wanted the world to know.

Finally we came home, to four more concerts for Brian at Sea World. In between that time came visits to the doctor preparing for surgery. I went along to every one of the appointments he had. I wanted to learn what he would be going through during and after the surgery. It scared me witless to hear what was happening, but I always left my crying about it till Brian was asleep. For him I would continue to be strong.

Two days before the surgery was to take place Brian took me out to dinner and dancing. It would be a while before we could do that again he had explained. I frowned at his reasoning, but was happy to go spend some time with him, just being us, no pressures, no worries, even if only a night.

Dancing in is arms after we had eaten, I was floating in his arms. I loved him so deeply, so completely, I wanted to be with him always. I thought Brian felt the same, but apart from the occasional forever talk, no more was said. I didn't expect it now. There was too much going on in Brian's mind right now.

"Lets go for a walk," he said to me after a while. He paid the check and we left the dance club. There was a park nearby and we walked there, Brian's arms securely around me. I tucked my arm under his jacket loving the warmth of his body as we walked.

We stopped at a park bench in front of a lake. Even at this late hour some ducks came waddling over to check us out. When they realised we had no food, they wandered off again, most likely to sleep.

Brian pulled me in for a soft kiss. "I want to thank you,"

"Don't Brian. Don't thank me. I had to do what I have done. I love you too much not to have."

He shook his head. "Sue, there are so many things I should be thanking you for. I think you know what they all are. The last few weeks have been bearable because of you. And I know I will be relying on you for the next few, even more so." He stopped weighing up what he wanted to say to me. "But most of all I want to thank you for never giving up on me, for coming back into my life. Even when I was being a self confessed ass you still waited for me." I opened my mouth to speak but he stopped me. "No, let me finish. Without you in my life before, I was nothing. Not really. Now, even with everything that is happening to me, I am complete." He leaned down and kissed me. "I love you Sue. I love you so much it hurts and I promise I will make it up to you." He kissed me then, long and hard, my mind reeling.

When he pulled away the only thing I could say was, "I love you Brian. I always have."

We went home then neither one of us leaving each others sides. We slept together again, still resisting the urge to give in. As it was in Europe, I wanted him. I wanted him badly, but now it was me not pressuring him. He never asked and I understood his need not to. Our time would come.

But time went by too fast. The day Brian was to have his surgery dawned with me waking with a start. I looked around, Brian was nowhere to be seen. I got up, quickly putting my robe on against the morning chill and went out looking for him.

I found him on the back deck, watching the sun rising into the sky. "Brian, what are you doing?"

"Did I wake you? I'm sorry." He murmured, patting his knee for me to come sit with him. I walked over to him and perched myself on his knee, snuggling into him as I sat, curling my arms around his neck. "I'm just watching the sun rise. It's beautiful isn't it."

"Yes it is." I sighed.

"Not as beautiful as you though." He looked at me again and studied my face. "You really are you know. I want to memorise every inch of you so I can remember you in my dreams while I am sleeping later today." He said breaking my heart. I closed my eyes and held back the tears. "Don't cry Sue. Whatever happens today, just know I love you."

That did it for me. I couldn't hold the tears back anymore and the tears flowed. "Oh Baby, I'm sorry. I hate putting you through this and you have been so strong for me."

"I wouldn't have been anywhere else Brian," I sniffed. "I belong with you. I can't imagine being without you." My mind was in a turmoil of emotions that would only get worse through the day. Being strong for Brian was what was keeping me going right now. I sniffed and Brian dried my eyes, wiping the tears away with his thumbs. "Kiss me Brian." I said to him and he complied the love flowing between us.

Brian pulled away and looked at me again. He smiled softly. "We better be going I suppose."

I looked at my watch. "Yeah, I guess we should." But I didn't move. I didn't want to go. After all the time it took everyone to talk Brian into this surgery, now I didn't want to let him go. I was scared.

"Come on Baby, it will be okay." There was a peace about him now.

I nodded. "Yeah, it will be okay." I said and stood up. He got up and pulled me into his arms, holding me tight before we moved away to get ready.

Later at the hospital the mood was heavy. It was traumatic for both of us, and everyone else who had gathered to be there for Brian. It went without saying that his parents were there and his brother. But Jac and Kerry had both come down from Lexington to be there for me.

I was never more thankful for their presence than when Brian got his pre-op medication. With those drugs in him his guard was down and he finally let go with all he was feeling. I stayed strong, while he was still with us.

"Baby, I don't want to go. What if I never see you again," he cried, "I can't leave you yet, I promised you we would be together forever." It broke my heart but I held it all in. I had to comfort him.

"It's okay Brian, you will be alright." I was holding his hand, stroking his forehead. "I won't let them take you away. You go have that dream you were talking about, I'll be here when you come back." I felt the tears at the surface and squeezed my eyes, forcing them away.

They came then to take him. "Nooooooo, I don't want to go," he continued to cry. I tried to remind myself it was the drugs, but it didn't help. "Baby, I love you, wait for me."

"Always Brian, I am here. You'll be just fine." They put him on the gurney and began to roll him away. "I love you Brian," I repeated over and over.

"I love you Beautiful" he said and he was gone.

Chapter 23
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