| This recent session had gone well and silence settled over the room. "I've asked someone to join us today, Colby." Laura informed her as she made some notes on the pad in her lap. Dr. Laura Gregory had come highly recommended. She was the head grief counselor at St. Joe's and her specialty was dealing with the loss of a child. She was about Colby's age, a wife and a mother who had also lost a child. She had walked the same path as her patients. She knew the pain they felt. She had heard all the empty platitudes from family and well meaning friends. But she knew that until you confronted the heartache head on, no amount of time would help them heal. And in Colby's case the guilt needed to be faced and released. It was not an easy task and even though the sessions had helped, Laura knew that it would take months, even years before the memories would not cause a deep ache in her heart. After the night in the nursery and at Catherine's urgings Colby conceded that she needed professional help. She couldn't sleep because the images were so vivid and so she wound up in the rocker in the baby's room with either a piece of Rob's clothing or a baby blanket clutched to her chest. She would cry till her head ached and then sleep would overtake her. Her first session was so hard. All she did was cry as the words would not come forth. Over the next weeks with Laura's support she emitted all her emotions. Her hate, anger, fear, grief and her love for a child she would never see grow up. She railed again at Rob for leaving her to deal with all this alone and then cried, knowing she was now truly alone. She slowly began to free herself from the prison of guilt she had built around herself. Colby was able to finally admit that her actions were not instrumental in the loss of her child. She knew it would take more than a handful of sessions with a counselor to set her right again. But each week it got a little easier, but there was one part of her life Colby still refused to face and that was Brian. As much as Laura tried to get her to talk about him, Colby still felt that all the emotions his presence in her life and evoked, were a direct affront to Rob's memory. She agreed that there had been no link to the baby's death and her relationship with Brian but she wasn't going to let anyone come between her and Rob's memory ever again. Her mind was made up and her life would be dedicated to Rob and his son. The door opened and Colby looked up to see Catherine come in the office. "Dr. Gregory," she said as she took the counselor's hand. "Laura, please." She motioned to the sofa and Catherine sat down. "What's this all about?" Colby asked as she kissed Catherine's cheek and sat next to her on the sofa. Catherine looked at the counselor deferring to her to explain her presence at the session. "Colby, Catherine has information that relates to you and the baby and Rob. She has wanted to share it with you for weeks but wanted to wait until you were ready to hear it." Colby's expression was confused. "You weren't ready, Colby. You needed to deal with your own hurt and pain before you heard what Catherine has to say. I suggested Catherine join us today. We will not be disturbed and we can take as much time as needed." Colby eased back on the sofa. Laura could see her body relax as she spoke. "Now, Catherine whenever you feel comfortable I just want you to relate your story. No one will judge you. This is a safe environment and as Colby knows what we share here will stay here. I understand that your family is aware of all this but I will still keep it confidential." Laura sat back in the chair and silence descended on the room. Catherine took Colby's hand and smiled weakly. "First of all I apologize for not telling you this months ago, but at the time I didn't think I needed to." She took a deep breath. "The congenital heart defect was inherited through Rob." "What?" Colby said faintly shaking her head in disbelief. "How?" "I had a child before Garrett," Catherine began slowly. "I lost him at five months due to the same condition. The doctor warned me it could happen again but I didn't listen. Garrett and Rob were born healthy and I never looked back until…" Catherine's eyes welled with tears as she looked at Colby. She sniffed them back and continued on. "When you told me you were pregnant it never dawned on me that there might be a problem but I should have. The doctor said the trait could be passed on through Garrett and Rob even though they were fine. You were doing so well and never said anything about complications so I never said a word. But the day you and Brian had lunch at the house and you left with those searing pains, it plagued me that I had been silent. If you had known, maybe they could have done something, anything, but I…" She broke down and Colby pulled her into her arms. "Catherine don't do this. It's not your fault. Yes it might have helped to have known, but I wanted this child and no way would I have changed that. What good would it have done to know that my baby would die. The doctor told me that at best we would have had two years. Just long enough to celebrate birthdays, Christmas, his first words and steps before we would have lost him." Tears fell from Colby's eyes as they looked at each other. "I don't blame you, so please don't feel guilty. I have finally begun to accept the fact that I wasn't to blame either. It was out of our hands. It wasn't meant to be, Catherine. There was another purpose for all this. But, he's safe and happy with Rob. They're together. And knowing that give me peace." She kissed her cheek. "I love you, Catherine, as I would love a mother. I need you to help me get through this." "I love you too, Colby as the daughter I never had." Catherine kissed her too and they embraced. Both of them crying for another loss in their family. Tragedy knew no social bounds. It was indiscriminate in where it struck. They had suffered more than their share this year. And instead of bringing the family together it had torn it apart. Colby wondered if there would ever come a time when they could all be in the same room again without the hate and anger rising within them. She had not spoken to William or Garrett since that dreadful day and knew it would be a while before she would be able to. Catherine said William refused to talk about the baby at all and Garrett acted like nothing had happened. Colby wondered what it would take to make them both wake up and see what the important things were in life. She knew Catherine wanted her marriage back and she hoped William would come around soon. The thought of William young and in love brought a small grin to Colby's face and a puzzling question to mind. She pulled back from Catherine and brushed her cheeks. "I do have a question though." Colby hesitantly said looking at Catherine sheepishly. "Garrett was born within days of your anniversary, so how could you…" Colby stopped and her face flushed with embarrassment. "Oh my God!" "It's okay dear. It was a long time ago and not accepted like it is today." Catherine patted her hand. "I told you William was sexy." She gave her a sly grin. "The wedding was already planned. I found out a month before the ceremony that I was two months pregnant. When we lost the child we lied. The medical report said two months not five." "I'm sorry Catherine." "It's quite all right, child. I don't regret what I did. William and I were in love and we naturally wanted to express that love. We just weren't careful." She laughed softly. He was so different then." Her expression softened as she remembered those early days of her marriage. "If it wasn't for William I would never have coped all those weeks after the miscarriage. We faced our loss together. We held each other, we cried together and we loved each other. He was the only one who knew the true extent of my loss and we mourned together." Colby lowered her head at Catherine's words. She had no one to share this pain with. There was family and friends but he nights were still so hard. There was no one to hold her and comfort her. She felt fresh tears form and she wiped her eyes. Catherine reached out to her. "Colby, what about Brian?" Catherine posed the question almost sure she knew what Colby's response would be. "What about him?" Colby responded absently not wanting to discuss this again. "Have you talked with him or seen him?" Catherine glanced at Laura who just shrugged her shoulders and shook her head. "Brian doesn't come into play." Colby told her coldly her body becoming rigid as if doing so could keep her feelings at bay. "Why? Colby he loves…" Colby cut her off. "No!" She stood and walked towards the window. She didn't want to hear about this again. It didn't make any difference what he felt towards her. Nothing was going to come of it. "It doesn't matter. I don't love him!" Catherine's look told her she didn't believe her. "Don't do this Colby. Don't throw him away, not for Rob or the baby. You can't live in past. Rob wouldn't want you to." Catherine's words pleaded with her to see her mistake. "That young man loves you!" "Yes, Catherine, young man! I'm nine years older. Do you know what the matrons will do with that. They've already gossiped about us, smirked behind our backs and we've probably been the butt of numerous jokes. Not to mention the indecency of my association with him so soon after Rob's death. My status as a widow has left me little choice but to 'throw him away' as you so aptly put it." She spat the words out, frustrated and angry. She was still locked in a social cage of propriety that gave her no freedom. Not only was she a widow now but she had lost a child. Her life was not to be her own for a long time. Catherine could see how she was trying to keep her voice steady, but it was no use. Mentioning Brian had hit a raw nerve. "Colby listen to me," Catherine came to her, "you have never let anyone's opinion compromise you, so don't let your feelings for Brian be stifled by the busy bodies of the gated community. You deserve a life of your own and you need to move on and not live in the past. Brian is your future, don't let the narrow-mindedness of my contemporaries keep you from loving again." She took Colby in her arms. "I love you. Think about all this. I want you to be happy and I know with Brian you can be." Catherine spoke softly to her. "You need him and he loves you more than anything. He's hurting now too Colby. You could comfort each other." She kissed her cheek. Colby squeezed her tight and fought back more tears as they threatened to spill. She knew Catherine meant well but there was no way. Rob and his son deserved her devotion and she was bound and determined to keep her promise to them. She had the great love of her life and it would be enough. "Think about it Colby, please." Catherine said as they parted. Colby nodded slightly. Catherine gathered her things and thanked Laura. She looked towards Colby. The girl looked so fragile and alone. There was only so much she or anyone could do for her. If there was only some way to make her see how wrong this was. She opened the door and left. With the session over Colby took out a tissue to wipe her eyes. There was nothing Laura could say that hadn't been already. "I'll see you Monday as usual, Colby?" Laura noted as she walked Colby to the door. "Yes. I'll be here." Colby left and Laura returned to her desk. Another attempt had been exhausted. She turned in her chair and sat staring out the window. It was all going to come crashing down around her. She knew it. She had seen it happen before. Laura knew the problem. It had nothing to do with the age difference, well maybe not, or the tongues wagging at the local tea houses and country club. Colby was scared. Scared that her heart might be broken again, that was the problem with love. It made you vulnerable. Love laid bare your soul to another and when everything was good it was wonderful but when the love was taken away the pain was too much to bear. Laura hadn't met Brian but from what she had heard he was not about to hurt Colby. She was at war with herself. You could hear it in her protestations about him and see it in her body language. It couldn't go on forever. Sooner or later Colby would have to come to grips with her inner turmoil. And how long would her young man wait? Laura wondered. Maybe she should talk with him. Maybe more had transpired between them than a few kisses. In any event it was the one area left that Colby needed to deal with. She could bury her feelings as deep as possible, but eventually they would surface and all those pent up emotions would spill forth to be dealt with. It was nearly four. Laura looked at the photo of her husband and daughter and a smile crept across her face. She turned off her computer and picked up her brief case. Tomorrow was another day. There were people in her life who needed her besides her patients. She turned out the light and left her office. ~*~*~*~*~*~*~ September waned and October burst forth with a hint of autumn in the air. So as the trees became dressed in their colorful hues, and college football and basketball became the hot topics of conversation among the locals, Colby mended. Each day her physical strength returned more and more. Her ribs and bruises healed and upon her return trip to the doctor, six weeks after the accident, he released her from his care. She was free to resume all normal activities. He assured Colby that there was no reason why she couldn't have another child. She thanked him for the confidence but she knew that her chance at motherhood and vanished with the death of her son. He asked how her sessions with Laura were going. Colby told him they had been fine but she was probably going to discontinue seeing her soon. She felt there wasn't much more they could talk about. She had spent five weeks under her care and yes logically she knew all the reasons for her child's death and talking had helped but it was going to take a long time for the ache in her heart to stop. He tried to convince her to continue the sessions a bit longer, but Colby had other ideas. She was fine and would work through her loss one day at a time in her own way. She left his office abruptly knowing she had been impolite but she was exhausted from everyone telling how to handle her grief. She tried to settle back into some kind of routine, especially going to the shop each day. As much as she loved her friends they were constantly offering advice, criticism of some of her actions and definitely asking too many questions about things that weren't their business. They wouldn't leave her alone. If she wanted to spend any time by herself, they questioned her behavior and judgment. She had an unending stream of invitations for lunch and dinner. It was as if they were afraid to leave her on her own. She enjoyed their company but the solitary quiet times were what she wanted. She reminisced about all those years with Rob and usually the tears would fall again, but it was her way of letting go. It cleansed her even though she would feel wrung out. She knew she had to move forward but it was so hard to let go. After Rob died she had still been able to hold on to him through the baby. She had a part of him that would be with her always, but now there was nothing, just memories. The hardest part was sleeping. Her dreams were filled with images of father and son and in the morning her head would ache and the pillow was wet from tears shed in her sleep. And all the good intentions of those around her began to weigh on her. They meant well but some days she wanted to scream and tell them to all go away and leave her alone. And through it all Brian was absent from her life. She ignored the messages he left on her machine and if she answered the phone and his voice was on the other end she hung up. The cards and notes and gifts went unopened. But for all her determination to block him out of her life, the simplest task would trigger something he had done or said and she would fight to suppress her feelings for him. And Barbara didn't help. She continually bugged Colby to at least talk to him. He deserved that much. He was worried about her but more importantly he loved her. Barbara was relentless about Colby's insensitivity to Brian. But it was during Barbara's last visit that this subject caused a rift in their friendship. They had been going round and round again about Brian. Barbara had thrown her hands up in disgust and told Colby it was fine if she didn't want a relationship with him, but Colby owed him a phone call to let him know where he stood. He couldn't put his life on hold forever. Colby lashed out and said she never asked him to. He meant nothing to her. He had been a friend that's all and even that was over now. Colby asked Barbara to leave and unless she was willing to never bring Brian up again, Barbara was not welcome back to the house. Colby had slammed the door. Her body shook with anger and regret. Barbara was her best friend and she had forbade her back in her home. Colby slid to the floor, tears falling on her cheeks. Why? She hadn't cried like she did that day in a while. Their argument had surfaced all sorts of feelings Colby didn't want to deal with. But as the days went by and October grew to a close a day didn't go by that his face flashed through her mind or his voice echoed in her ears. Her sleep became haunted with his image mingled with Rob and the baby. She would wake with a start as her body flushed with yearning. And she missed Barbara. She hadn't talked to her in two weeks. Her friendship meant so much to Colby and maybe, just maybe, Barbara had been right. Colby paced back and forth in the bedroom with the phone in her hand. She took a deep breath and punched the numbers and waited as the phone rang on the other end. "Hello." Colby breathed out slowly. "Hello, Barbara." Silence. "Colby! How are you?" Barbara closed her eyes in thanks. She had come close to calling her every day over the last two weeks, but something inside her told her not to. Colby had to come to grips with her feelings. It hurt not to contact her, but Barbara felt it was the only way to give Colby time to think. "I'm fine, Barbara," she breathed again. "I'm…I'm sorry. I should never have thrown you out of the house and talked to you the way I did. Please forgive me." She needed her back in her life. "I'm sorry too Colby. I went too far, as usual. I thought I was doing what was best for you. I promise to respect your wishes from now on. I won't interfere. It's your life." Inwardly she hoped that Colby had made some decision regarding Brian. She knew it was Colby's life, but Barbara was so sure Brian was the right her. "It's okay. You thought you were helping. Maybe you were." Colby hesitated. "I need a favor, Barbara." "What is it? Are you all right?" Barbara sensed a change in her. She couldn't put her finger on it, but her defensiveness was gone and replaced with a peacefulness about her. "I'm okay, but I need to get away. Everyone means well but I need time alone to really think and decide what I'm going to do, and I can't when people won't leave me be." "You want to use the beach house?" Barbara asked her. "Yes. But don't tell anyone, please. I'll stay in touch with you but please keep my whereabouts under wraps." Colby pleaded hoping that their long-standing friendship would honor her request. "I'm not going to do anything crazy. I just need some time alone." "I promise." A thought went through Barbara's mind, and she decided she would wait and see how things went for Colby. There just may be a way to give her a little push. "When do you want to leave?" "In a couple of days. Could we meet for lunch tomorrow?" Colby hoped she would say yes. She had missed their weekly lunches. "Of course. Usual place?" Barbara smiled. Yes. One o'clock. Barbara, I've missed you. I'm sorry." "I missed you too, Colby." |