| "Are you sure about this?" Barbara handed Colby the key ring as the waitress brought them some dessert. "Yes. The change of scenery will do me good. I can walk the beach and just think and decide what to do. There will be nothing to distract me." Colby took a forkful of the chocolate cake savoring it. "You're not," Barbara hesitated. There was this gnawing feeling that had been bothering Barbara since they spoke yesterday. "You're not planning on leaving Lexington Colby?" Colby slowly looked up from her plate. She saw sadness in Barbara's eyes. She didn't want to hurt her but she had to be honest also. There were so many things she need to be honest about. "I don't know. It's crossed my mind. That's why I need to get away. There's so much I need to sort out." Colby laid the fork down on her plate. As she took her tea cup, the light bounced off the rings on her left hand. So many things. "Where would you go? Colby, Lexington is your home. There are people here who love you." And she wasn't just thinking of the obvious either. Barbara couldn't believe she would just walk away without dealing with her feelings for Brian. Colby caught the innuendo in her remark, even if it was unintentional, but the inflection in her voice was noticeable. She needed time to sort those feelings out too. It was time to make a decision and it scared her. "I won't do anything crazy, Barbara. My life has been a roller coaster for the last eight months. My emotions have been through the ringer. I need to weigh all my options." She placed the cup back in the saucer and pushed the cake plate away. Suddenly she wasn't hungry any more. "All, Colby?" Barbara pushed. "Yes, Barbara, all." "Have you…" Barbara stopped herself, but Colby caught on. "No I haven't. Not yet." Colby worked the corner of her napkin nervously. Even without mentioning his name, she got all fluttery. He was part of the reason for this trip. Maybe once away from all the familiar places she could look at what he meant to her objectively. So there was a glimmer of hope. Brian was one of her priorities for this trip. A small smile crept across Barbara's face. That was a good sign. She didn't pursue it further. It was Colby's decision in the end. Their conversation moved off onto other things and when they said goodbye, Barbara whispered to her friend, "I want you to be happy, Colby. There's…" Barbara stopped. Her promise ringing in her head. No more pushing. She could only hope that Colby truly looked at all her options. There was a young man anxiously waiting for some kind of word. Barbara knew that he hoped Colby wouldn't turn him away and she would pray every night that his wish would come true. ~*~*~*~*~*~*~ The morning of Colby's departure dawned in a thick fog. The temperatures had cooled over the month, giving a hint of the approaching winter. Some mornings a thin coat of frost could be seen glimmering in the yard. That was another reason for Colby's desire to head to the beach. It would be milder along the coast and she wanted to take advantage of the last days before cold weather set in. She wanted to get an early start since it would be a long drive. Most of her things had been packed the night before. She wasn't taking much. And if she forgot anything she could pick it up in one of the small shops in the seaside town. As she went about getting ready, on the other side of Lexington another household stirred as a new day began. Jackie had stood by and watched Brian try everything imaginable to resolve his relationship with Colby. Gone was the bright, cheery man she knew. The weeks had taken their toll on him. He was quiet and sullen and as she watched him sink basket after basket, her heart broke for him. She had tried talking to him, but it was no use. He would not listen. He was in so deep that there was no way to reason with him about trying to forget her. Jackie had stopped asking him about her. She couldn't bear to see him fall apart at the mention of her name. Brian jammed the ball into the basket. That one was for William. He skirted the end of the pavement and came back to ram another one through the hoop. That was for Garrett. He continued to sink the ball again and again. And with each shot his anger rose, like a smoldering fire that wouldn't go out. His clothes were soaked and his breathing was labored. He kept on driving the ball harder that the one before. No amount of physical exhaustion wiped her from his heart. If it wasn't for Barbara and Catherine he would have no idea how she was doing. He ached to hold her in his arms and love her forever. But Brian was beginning to believe that it wasn't going to happen. He sent another lay up into the basket. The call from Barbara last night had confirmed his worst fears. She was going away! Away to decide what to do with the rest of her life. It had been like a death knell in his ears when Barbara told him. He didn't want to face it but maybe it was time for him to move on too. He retrieved the ball and moved back down the drive. It had been barely light when he started and now the sun was high having burned off the morning fog and dew. He had been spending many nights out here using the time to find a way back to her. He had put his life on hold. The house was ready but he hadn't moved in. Brian had wanted to share it with Colby. He had planned an intimate house warming, just the two of them. He had hoped that then he would tell her how he felt. His feelings for her had been bottled up for so long, but he wanted to give her time to heal from her loss. He had hoped she would have let him help her, but all his attempts had been spurned. She had shut him out completely. He had expected an arms length relationship, not total rejection. He had thought that gradually Colby would come around, but it never happened. He was so tired. Sleep eluded him. It was a pleasure he hadn't enjoyed in weeks. Her face haunted him. There wasn't a night that Colby didn't stir him awake. His desire for her so strong that there had been many a cold shower at three in the morning to quell his need. The ball bounced off the rim and landed on the ground. He tried again with the same result. He slowly dribbled the ball down the drive, daydreaming. He closed his eyes as her image came into this thoughts. He could almost smell her as a smile spread across her face and then suddenly she was in the hospital bed with a look of such rejection that a tear fell on his cheek. Why? Had it all been a dream? The past months felt like they had never happened. The more Brian thought about it, maybe his mom was right. He didn't fit in. He wasn't like them. He was just a regular guy, who happened to land a successful gig as a pop star! Frustrated with it all he spun around and threw the ball hard, a deep guttural groan coming from his throat. The ball crashed into the back board and Brian ducked as it sailed over his head. Jackie looked out the window when she heard the noise. There he crouched, panting. This had to stop. She watched as he dropped to his knees. His shoulders shook as he cried for a love that was all but lost. ~*~*~*~*~*~*~ Colby made a U-turn. She had to do this now before she left. She hadn't been back since the day of the funeral. She couldn't. It hurt too much. She entered the cemetery and drove along the winding road till she reached the spot. As she approached the top of the hill she noticed the stone. Just below Rob's name another one had been added. She knelt down and ran her fingers over the letters, Robert Michael Spencer. Her little angel. The tears flowed freely. The ache in her heart burned again. She wiped her face and sat back on the bench. Someone had brought flowers and put them in the permanent vase at the base of the marker. Colby took a deep breath a soft sob coming from her. "I'm sorry Rob. I'm sorry I lost our baby. He was perfect. He looked just like you but you know that now. You're together. I love you both so much. I came to tell you I'm going away for a while. I need some time to think about everything that has happened." Tears slipped down her cheeks and she brushed them away. "I realize I can't live holding onto the past and all the 'what ifs' in the world. I want you both to know that you will always be with me but…" Colby hesitated. By voicing these feelings inside her, she would be acknowledging them and it scared her. "Rob, you were my first love. You were my first and only lover. And even though we were married all those years, it always felt a honeymoon with you. You believed in me, understood me, valued my opinion and most of all loved me with such passion. I will never forget but someone has come into my life. He is like you in so many ways and yet different too. I could see the two of you being friends, but I've hurt him terribly and I need to fix it. I need this time to make sure this is the right decision. It's time for me to move on I know that now. You are my past and he could be my future if it's not too late." Colby stood up and ran her hand along the top of the stone. "I loved you both so much. Taking this step scares me that I guess I just want your blessing." She took a mum from the vase. She stood with her eyes closed. In her heart she knew this was goodbye to a part of her life. She wished that he could give her a sign that it was okay, that is was good for her to get on with her life. Well maybe it would come when she least expected it. She turned and walked back to the car. ~*~*~*~*~*~*~ Brian entered the house to the smell of coffee and fresh baked muffins. At the sound of the door Jackie turned. His eyes were glassy and red rimmed. She moved towards him but Brian backed away. "Don't mom, please." He held up his hands. "We've been round and round about it and I don't want to talk about it any more. I can't turn my feelings off but I know I can't go on like this either." She nodded her head. Brian went to the counter and poured a cup of coffee. "I've made a decision. When I get back from Florida at the end of the week I'll move into the house. I had wanted to wait so…" He stopped not even being able to say her name. "That's a good idea. You need to get yourself settled in." He looked so tired. Jackie knew he was awake most nights and it showed in his appearance. "I'm not saying I'm giving up, just that I can't just wait and do nothing in the meantime. I've got commitments." He took a sip of the hot brew. "Brian, I hate to see you in such pain. I keep wondering is she really worth all this anguish." Jackie, always the protector, was only looking out for him. His look told her otherwise. "All right. I'm being the mother again. But, I'm worried about you. You can't force someone to love you, that's not your way Brian." "I'm not mom. She never said the actual words but I know she cares about me. It wasn't supposed to happen like this. She was supposed to have the baby and then I…" He averted his eyes and ran his hand through his damp hair. He didn't have to finish Jackie knew what was in his heart. And there was nothing she could do to help him. She went to him and lifted his face to hers. She looked up into those sad blue eyes. "If it's as you say, then give her the time she needs. If it's meant to be she will come to you freely." She kissed his cheek and left him. If it's meant to be, Brian shook his head. He didn't know any more. Well one thing was for sure, he would get back on track with his work. It might take his mind off her for a while any way. He poured another cup of coffee and went up to take a shower. She knew how he felt and until she told him otherwise he was leaving the door open for a future with Colby Spencer. ~*~*~*~*~*~*~ And so Colby went to the beach and Brian headed off to Florida. Each of them nursing a broken heart. Colby spent her days just like she said she would. She walked the beach for hours. The warmer, salt air a welcome change from the cooler, autumn breeze of Lexington. The weather cooperated and most days she was able to walk bare foot along the shore's edge, letting the water lap at her ankles. She watched the sun rise each morning as she sat on the verandah. It would peek out from the horizon, sending a stream of color across the ocean. She found peace and contentment as it would ascend to it's place each day among the soft billowy clouds. She let it's rising and setting determine her day. There was no timetable for her activities. Some days she spent her afternoons window shopping in the quaint dockside shops or just sitting on the beach. Her meals were simple and eaten outdoors as much as possible. Her favorite music and books kept her company when she felt the need but most of the time her head jumbled with the quandary of how to come to grips with her feelings for Brian. Everyone was so sure he was right for her. Why not her? At first she tried being very logical. There was their age difference for one. The thought of a younger man would thrill any woman her age, but what of him? What happened when she was fifty and he was only 40? He had an image to maintain as this heart throb pop star. How would the press, management and especially his fans take to an older woman sharing his life. And was all this just a fling or was it deeper? And the bottom line was Colby was afraid to have her heart broken. She hadn't seen anything in his actions to indicate that she just might be his current conquest. But She needed and wanted stability in her life. Could he provide that? He traveled quite a bit. What kind of relationship would it be? All these questions weighed heavily on Colby as she spent her days and nights running it all through her head again and again. And as she did his face began to invade her thoughts at various times during the day. She would remember his smile and that cheeky grin that would bring a smile to her own face. She remembered how he worried so about her during those weeks before… And then there was the tenderness of his touch and his lips on hers. A warm flush would come over her as she recalled the kisses they had shared. The softest kiss would emit a rush through her body. If she could feel like that with a kiss, what would happen if they ever… Her dreams became laced with his image. His arms would be outstretched inviting her to come to him and that impregnable mist was always there, just clouding the images. Colby would wake with a flush over her body and her loins aching. And she could never remember the entire dream, but obviously there was contact, even intimate contact to cause her to wake in such a state. Her subconscious was working against her. It was all so confusing. If she were to analyze these dreams the mist was a sign that she was hesitant to let him in her life. Every dream she had, it was the only constant, save for Brian himself. And the longer she took to figure out where he fit in her life, she was losing precious time. She just might lose him. Eight weeks had passed since she saw him and the pained expression on his face when she told him to leave her room the morning after the accident was etched in her mind. Was there still a chance to make things right between them? But all it took was a cryptic call to Barbara to set in motion the nudge that Colby needed. Her veiled questions about Brian set Barbara's mind racing and as soon as she hung up she placed a call to Brian. |