| Colby left Brian’s house the morning after his birthday as quickly as she could without causing him to question her actions. Reality had smacked her square in the face when she woke that morning. She went straight home and retreated to her bedroom, shutting the door behind her. She rummaged through the chest of drawers until she found the worn Kentucky shirt and slipped it on, her own clothes scattered on the floor. Her body began to shake and Colby pulled the covers up around her. How could she have forgotten? Tears welled in her eyes as she curled up hugging the pillow close to her body. Slowly her body began to rock as she cried. All those years, how could she? How could she? Her mind screamed over and over. She let her emotions of the last few months cloud her reality. What was she thinking? She knew the answer to that. She had fallen in love. Brian had given her reason to move on and as a result her pain had receded and life looked hopeful again. But as night fell and sleep overtook her, slowly all the memories came back and the pain and hurt that had evaporated over the last few months returned. A couple of days, that’s what Barbara said. But after five days Brian began to get alarmed. At first he understood, but as the days slipped by, her behavior made him furious. He loved her and he knew that he could help her. Be there to listen while she talked, comfort her through her pain and tears. So on the morning of the sixth day he had made up his mind. He arrived around ten in the morning. She had shut out the world, blinds and shades had been pulled down tight against the daylight. The morning papers accumulated in her driveway. He gathered up the week’s worth of newspapers and tossed them on the back seat of his car. He pulled around back, not sure how he would get in. Brian took the rusted crow bar he had found in one of the stables. If need be he would pry the door and break the hinges. He positioned the crow bar between the door and the frame when it opened on its own. He pushed it back slowly and entered the kitchen. There was an eerie silence as he surveyed the back rooms. Everything was in it’s place, clean and tidy. He noticed the answering machine flashing and the read out indicated it was full. He shook his head knowing most of the messages would be from him. Brian walked to the front of the house. It was as immaculate as the rear. As he glanced into the den, he recalled the first time he had come to the house. Colby had ushered him into this room. He remembered the awkwardness between them and how their evening almost ended before they ever had dinner. It seemed like such a long time ago. Colby was in the full bloom of her pregnancy. She had a glow about her during those months. And as she grew closer to term, Brian had wished it had been his child she was carrying. He turned and his eyes followed the stairs up to the second floor. He breathed in deeply as he slowly ascended, his heart thumping in his chest. The door to the master suite was slightly ajar. No sound could be heard as he carefully pushed it open. What he found came as no surprise. The room was cloaked in shadows, as daylight strained through the slits around the windows. Brian noticed the clothing on the floor and the remains of a meal at the bottom of the bed. Colby was curled on her side, her arms pulled tight around a pillow. He stood motionless, his heart breaking for the woman he loved. From all appearances he feared that Colby had reverted back to the same state of withdrawal as last fall. Knowing how he almost lost her forever then had hurt enough, but now, if she turned him away, Brian felt sure he would never love again. His mind was a jumble with words to comfort her and his emotions crashed against each other. She had to let him help her. He needed her in his life. He took a few steps into the room and Colby didn’t move. He wasn’t sure if she was sleeping or not. He moved closer still and called her name softly. “Colby?” Brian’s voice broke the stillness, but Colby didn’t respond. He stepped even closer. “Colby?” There was no answer. He came and stood near the bed. Her eyes were open, but she wasn’t there. A blankness pervaded them and even though Brian looked directly at her, there was no recognition. He pulled back the drapes letting the sunlight flood the room. “Don’t,” she said hoarsely as she shielded her face not wanting him to see her. Her disheveled appearance was only part of what Brian took in as he glanced about the room. There were two more trays of uneaten food on the floor and pictures and photo albums all over the bed. Colby, herself, did not look like the woman he knew and loved. The Kentucky tee shirt was twisted around her body and her face was haggard, the dark rings under her eyes and their bloodshot state were in deep contrast to her pale complexion. Her hair was knotted with a scrunchie imbedded on the left side. Used tissues were scattered all around her. She obviously had not left the room in days. There was a staleness to the air and Brian’s first reaction was to open the windows and get fresh air circulating throughout the room and the house. “Colby, my God, what,” “Leave Brian. Go home. I don’t want you here.” “You can’t stay here like this, Colby. Let me help.” He came to the side of the bed but she turned her back on him. “No. Go away. I want to be alone. I need to be alone.” She buried her face in the pillow. “Why? So you can wallow alone in your self pity?” His voice rose as his frustration at her actions coursed through him. “You have no right,” she turned and glared at him her eyes dark beads penetrating him. “You don’t know what I’m feeling, so don’t tell me how to feel.” “You are right. I’m sorry. I don’t know, so tell me and let me help you.” He went to sit down on the edge of the bed when she turned on him and threw the pillow at him. It hit him in the face and Brian tossed it on the floor not flinching. He sat down determined not to give her the solitude she wanted. “Sorry! You haven’t lost a husband. You have no idea what I went through. And then I lose his child too! You know what that can do to a person.” Tears fell on her cheeks as she stared at him. “I can help, Colby. Please.” He reached for her hand but she jerked away. “I love you, don’t shut me out.” He tried to keep his voice calm. He didn’t want to fight with her. “No,” she growled at him, “you’ve done more than enough helping. You helped so well, I forgot.” “What? I don’t understand. I mean look at this room. You’re dressed in Rob’s old shirt. You’ve covered yourself with his pictures. You haven’t eaten and you want no one around. Seems to me nothing has changed. You are still living in the past holding on to something that doesn’t exist any more.” He stood up and lobbed the pillow at her. “Well go ahead, but I’ll not be a party to this. I love you and want to help you but not like this,” he gestured to the mess she was living in. “When you are ready to join the rest of us in the real world, let me know.” He turned on his heel and started for the door. Before he walked out he looked back; she was facing the window, tears flowing freely now down her cheeks. Brian shook his head and walked out. It was no use. The last few months obviously didn’t mean as much to her as he thought. Would she ever let go? He started down the stairs. Colby watched him leave out of the corner of her eye. It was better this way, wasn’t it? But the voice in her head screamed at her, you fool. He loves you. You love him. Don’t let him leave. She shook her head to chase the thoughts away. But still it persisted. Yes, call him, call him. He loves you. Colby shuddered as she took a deep breath and scrambled off the bed. She reached the door as Brian started down the stairs. “Brian! Brian!” He stopped, his foot in midair between two steps. He slowly turned and saw her standing in the doorway. “Brian? Please?” Her eyes begged him. He walked towards her his step quickening until he picked her up in his arms. She cupped his face in her hands, trying to speak through her sobs. Brian carried her back to the bed and gently placed her back in it. He removed the albums and pictures and stacked them on the chest at the foot of the bed. Then he came and sat with her. He held her close as Colby cried, the sobs causing her body to tremble. “Shh, it’s going to be okay. I’m here. Just let me help you.” His voice soft and soothing. Slowly her body became heavier and heavier until Brian heard her steady breathing. He laid her head on the pillow and pulled up the blankets and quietly left the room. ~*~*~*~*~*~*~ Colby slept for hours. Brian removed the trays of food from her room and cleaned up the dishes. He checked her continually during the day making sure she was really sleeping. He knew from her appearance that sleep had eluded her over the past days and Colby needed that as much as facing her grief again to be able to move on in her life. He called Barbara and she admitted that she had been by to see Colby. She had prepared the trays of food that Colby left untouched. She was glad Brian was there because Barbara too felt that after nearly a week Colby should have been able to deal with the events of a year ago. The hours moved slowly and Brian found a basketball game on TV but it couldn’t keep his interest. His mind was on the woman sleeping on the second floor. The sun had long set and Brian lit a fire in the back room. He had ordered some dinner from Maria’s hoping that Colby would wake and share it with him. He also knew they needed to talk. Somehow he was to blame for what happened. Colby said he made her forget. It preyed on his mind and he worked it over and over trying to understand what she meant by that statement. He wanted the pain to go away but he never meant for her to totally forget about Rob or the baby. Brian knew that if he had suffered such a loss he would never forget them either. He thought he had made that clear to her. He poked the logs causing the fire to rise higher, the warmth enveloping him. He gazed intently at the flames as they danced and flickered letting his mind wander. He was brought back to the present by a cry from the bedroom. He dropped the poker and raced up the stairs two at a time. Colby was sitting up in bed, the blankets and sheet tangled around her body. She was crying softly and when she saw Brian enter the room she held her arms out to him. He gathered her close and she clung to him. “It’s okay, Colby. I’m here.” He brushed her hair from her face and loosened the scrunchie freeing the tangled mess. She held him so close; her nails dug into his back. “It…it…it was a bad dream,” she stammered pulling away from him and wiping her cheeks. “You walked away. You left me. All I had left was a picture of Rob and the baby. They were walking along a path bathed in white light, their backs to me. The room was empty, void of furniture and everything. You closed the door and I was alone. I called out but nothing, just the echoing of your words in my ears. ‘You’re not ready. I can’t wait forever Colby. Goodbye.’ That’s when I woke up.” She leaned against his shoulder. “I don’t want to be alone, Brian.” She looked at him; his eyes so full of love and understanding. “You won’t be Colby. I’m not going to leave you.” His thumb brushed the tears on her cheek. “I’ve hurt you again,” she muttered her body still shaking from the dream. “Why do you stay?” “You know the answer to that, Colby.” He kissed her softly. She touched his cheek letting her fingers feel the contours of his face. He was real and he was here, not some dream or ghost. She took a deep breath and wrinkled up her nose. “Oh God, this room smells awful. I smell awful.” She separated herself from Brian. “It’s a bit musty in here.” “A bit?” Brian teased her. Colby flushed at his comment knowing that she would never have permitted anyone else to succumb to the conditions she had imposed on herself. “Look, why don’t you go take a shower. I’ll air the room and strip the bed. I’ve got some dinner for us and we can talk.” Colby began to remove the blankets from the bed when Brian caught her hand. “I’ll do this. Go take a shower. You will feel so much better.” She knew she must look a fright and avoided the mirror on her way to the bathroom. As she walked passed him he caressed her cheek. His touch was gentle and caring. ~*~*~*~*~*~*~ The woman who greeted Brian downstairs nearly thirty minutes later was almost the woman he loved. Colby looked refreshed even though the dark circles under her eyes were still so prominent. Her hair was soft and fell around her face and she had on clean pajamas of the palest blue and a short robe to match. The lace from her tank top covered the hint of her breasts and when Brian saw her he felt his passion rise. Colby had let the water run over her for a long time. She hoped it would wash away all the pain and grief. But it still lingered and she knew she had been wrong in her actions and needed to explain to Brian why she had accused him of something he had done unintentionally. “You look so much better,” Brian said as she came towards him. He linked his arms around her waist. A hint of a smile played across her lips. “I feel better too,” she sniffed the air, “something smells good.” “I can’t take credit,” Brian laughed happy that she might be hungry. They sat at the breakfast bar and ate quietly. Neither one ventured to speak. The silence was awkward and Colby could feel Brian watching her as she picked at the food. She was hungry but knowing that she owed him some explanation gave her a queasy feeling. Just as she couldn’t bear his staring any longer they both spoke at once. A soft laugh coming from each of them. Brian took the lead. “I need to know what you meant about it being my fault, Colby. What did I do to cause you to run from me and shut me out?” He turned on the stool and looked directly at her. Colby stared at her plate, her appetite totally gone. She took a sip of wine and faced him. “You didn’t do anything but love me too well.” Brian looked at her, a puzzled expression on his face. “What are you talking about? You of all people should know that you can never love anyone too well.” She lowered her eyes and played with the sash on her robe. He was right. “You made me forget. You gave me a reason to live again and I got so caught up in my love for you that when I woke up the morning after your birthday I suddenly realized that Rob’s anniversary was here and I…” Tears welled in her eyes and she sniffed them back. “I felt guilty, Brian. When I woke up, you were gone but the space next to me was still warm from where you had been. The memory of your hands on me and your kisses was still so fresh from when we had made love earlier and then it dawned on me that the next day… I panicked.” She looked up at Brian to see him just sitting there listening intently. “When I got home I took his old shirt and closed up the house to the outside and retreated to the bedroom. All the pain that had been washed away by your love came back again, as I dredged it up and I just wallowed in my own living hell. I placated Barbara when she came by and even showered once but otherwise I stayed in the bed and relived that nightmare over and over. Thinking that if I did, I could make up for feeling so alive when I was with you.” She took the plates and went to the sink. Brian could see she was still struggling with her feelings. Wanting to hold on to the past but he could also see in her eyes her desire to reach out to him and not lose what they had either. “Colby, I never meant for you to forget about Rob or the baby.” She nodded at his words. “But we had become so close these last few weeks that when you pulled away it hurt. I love you but I don’t want to take Rob’s place. I’ve told you that.” She nodded again as she wiped back the tears falling on her cheeks. “I know that, Brian. What we have together is so different from all those years I shared with Rob. It’s thrilling and a bit scary too. Your lifestyle is nothing like mine and our backgrounds are, well let’s just say that you don’t strike me as someone with country club tastes. As a matter of fact neither am I really, I just married into it. But here we are and I love you even though my actions this past week haven’t indicated I do. Can you forgive me?” She dried her hands on the towel and Brian came and took her in his arms. “I was angry and hurt and missed you so much. Once I knew why you had left I wanted to give you some time to deal with it all. But when a few days became nearly a week I got worried Colby. You mean everything to me.” She looked up into those luminous blue eyes and got lost in them. “I love you.” He leaned down and kissed her cheek. He pulled her close and Colby let his arms envelop her. “I love you too Brian, that’s why I ran. I didn’t think it was right to feel so wonderful and be in love so deeply again.” “Remember when we were at the beach and I told you we would take each day, one at a time.” “Yes” “That also meant times like this too. I know you loved him and had a good life together. I’m not foolish to think that I can wipe away all those years. That time together has helped to mold you into the woman I love today. We can make memories of our own.” He could see the fatigue return to her face. She needed to rest again. They could talk some more in the morning. “Come with me, you need to sleep.” He took her hand and they went upstairs. Brian had put clean sheets on the bed while Colby had showered and the room was a bit cool but the air was clean and fresh. She slid between the sheets and Brian pulled up the covers. He kissed her cheek. “You’re not leaving are you?” “No I’ll stay in the guest room. Get some sleep.” He turned out the light and pulled the door. Sometime in the middle of night Brian woke to the sound of footsteps. He rolled over to see Colby standing next to the bed. “I couldn’t sleep.” He lifted the covers and she came and slipped in next to him. He put his arms around her and soon he could hear her measured breaths as sleep overcame her. It felt so good to have her in his arms as her body molded perfectly to his. For the first time in a week, Brian too let sleep take over his tired body as he relaxed next to the woman he loved. |