| The dust billowed behind the car as she sped down the drive. Colby could barely see the road as her tears marred her vision. She knew it was over and the pain of knowing she would never see him again tore through her life a knife. It was inevitable that this day would come but it still didn’t make it any easier knowing she needed to walk away. She took a deep breath and turned right onto the main road. She needed to talk to someone and she knew if anyone would understand why she just left the man she loved, Catherine would. She slowed down and wiped her eyes. Sanders opened the door and told Colby that Catherine was in her room resting. She was about to leave but the butler told her to wait. He returned moments later to say that Catherine was not sleeping and she was anxious to see her. Colby thanked him and climbed the stairs slowly. Now that she was here she wasn’t sure it was such a good idea. What was she going to say? How was she going to tell Catherine what she had done? But most of all, how was she going to get the image of Brian standing there in the kitchen out of her mind? Colby opened the door to find Catherine sitting in the lounge. There was a light afghan thrown across her lap and her favorite shawl was draped around her shoulders. The light from the window cast a luminous glow around her as the sun sat low in the sky. If Colby were a painter, this would be a perfect setting to capture her essence on canvas. “Colby, child, what a pleasant surprise.” She patted the lounge for the young woman to come and sit with her. Colby closed the door and walked slowly across the room. Catherine could see something was wrong and noticed her eyes were red and glassy. “What is it? What is tearing you up inside? I’ve seen it in your eyes for weeks.” Catherine opened her arms and Colby fell into them sobbing. “Bri…Bri…” she choked on the words as she cried. “Why are you fighting him?” Colby sat up. “You think I don’t know. You may have hidden it from everyone else, but I could tell.” “You know,” Colby said between sobs. “If I had to guess I would say he’s asked you to marry him and you have said no.” Colby nodded wiping her eyes. “Why, Colby. If ever two people were in love you are.” Colby bit her lip and fresh tears fell on her cheeks. “I’m not right for him Catherine. He wants things I can’t give him, a life I can’t share with him. So it is better if I just let him go.” She sniffed back but the tears wouldn’t stop. “As much as it will hurt, I have to.” She took a deep breath. “It’s the only way.” “It’s the only way? Surely you know Rob would want you to move on.” Colby sat up straight and nodded her head in resignation. “It’s not that. There were dreams Catherine, I had dreams and in them Rob let me go. And when he disappeared Brian was standing there with his hand stretched out to me. It was as if Rob gave his approval. But even with all that I still can’t marry him.” Catherine was confused. Was it the age difference? She doubted it. Brian didn’t see her age and when they were together no one else could either. They were a match. So why the fear and apprehension? “I don’t understand Colby. There is nothing to hold you back.” “Yes there is, and Brian doesn’t see it. No one does. It’s the one thing that could split us apart. The one thing I have failed at as a woman.” Catherine understood now. Why she didn’t see it before, she didn’t know. But it was clearly evident in the way Colby had been behaving. Shy away from the commitment, not saying why, just giving obscure reasons not to have to admit the truth to herself or anyone else. “Children? You won’t marry him because you aren’t sure you can have children?” “Aren’t sure?” Colby laughed. “It’s not going to happen Catherine. I know.” Her voice was decided in tone. “How do you,” Catherine stopped as Colby’s words sunk in. “I’m sorry, Colby. I,” Catherine muttered. Of course they would have been intimate. It was only natural. Every month Colby waited and every month it was the same, nothing. That’s how she knew. It was not meant to be and she would not deny Brian the chance of having children of his own. He deserved that. She sat back on the lounge and took Catherine’s hand in hers. “Catherine, you know that Brian and I, um, well, we,” she fumbled over the words. “You’ve made love.” Catherine said quietly. “I know Colby. You can always tell when two people have loved each other completely. You don’t have to be embarrassed.” “This is all so new to me. I mean Rob and I…” “It was the night of your engagement,” Catherine said. “I knew the next morning when I saw the both of you. I was so happy.” “You did?” Colby blushed even though it had been nearly 15 years ago. “This is different though. I mean Rob and I were careful. But now, we haven’t…all these months and…” Colby breathed deeply. “You love him?” “Yes, more than anything. But I’m incapable of…” “You don’t know that and you can’t make decisions for Brian. It doesn’t work that way. You need to talk to him. Hear what he has to say on all this.” “I can’t. As hard as it was to leave just now, it was easier than waiting and finding out we can’t have a family and then having him leave me. I couldn’t bear that. I have to free him so he can share in that experience.” “And how does he stop loving you and you loving him? It isn’t that simple Colby, especially when I see the two of you together. You are the air that each of you breathes, the light that each of you see by, you nourish each other so that food becomes secondary. How do you give all that up?” Colby just stared at her. She was right. It had only been an hour since she left Brian, but the ache was so strong and she knew it wouldn’t go away, not for a very long time. “I don’t know, but the pain of having him walk away knowing I can never have children would be unbearable.” Colby stood. “I should go, so you can rest.” “So you are just going to give up, walk away, and let this chance for happiness be thrown aside because of your fear of the unknown.” Catherine stretched in the lounge, trying to relieve the ache in her back. “Love is taking a chance Colby. There are no guarantees. Each day that you wake up you do your utmost to love the best way you know how. Some days may be better than others. There may be dry spells where your love isn’t returned or stretches where every day is so perfect that you feel you are in paradise. But without it we are nothing. It’s a gamble and the stakes are high, but the alternative is worse.” A frown etched her face and Colby could see she was in pain. She helped to shift her position and Catherine relaxed again against the back of the lounge. “Brian won’t give up Colby. His need to sire children is outweighed by his love for you.” “You can’t know that.” She thought Catherine understood. “Yes I do. I’ve watched him. He is so sure of himself and his love for you. He would take on any battle for you, shoulder your pain and lay the world at your feet if you wanted it.” She grimaced again and opened the small medicine bottle on the table and took a small capsule with some water. “You go home and think about all this Colby. Think about what you are giving up. Besides losing the comfort of his arms around you at night, he complements you Colby. And you need to give him the opportunity to express how he feels about the decision you have made for the both of you. You may be surprised.” “But…” “I need to rest a bit now. I don’t mean to rush you off, but I’m tired and the pain in my back is testing me.” Catherine put her head back and closed her eyes. Colby leaned down and kissed her cheek. “I love you Colby and I want you to find happiness. Don’t make any rash decisions. This is the rest of your life.” “I love you Catherine. I promise to think this all over, but I still feel it won’t change anything.” “Don’t be too sure.” Catherine smiled. Colby nodded and left her wondering how she could be so confident. ~*~*~*~*~*~*~ The house was dark as Kevin pulled his car up next to the BMW. It was still fairly early and he hoped he was not interrupting anything. He hadn’t seen Brian in a while and on impulse had decided to drop by while he was home. With Brian here, the rest of the guys in Florida and Kevin himself spending quite a bit of time on the west coast, there seemed to be a loss of connection between them. With the exception of the recording sessions had brought them together the five of them had gone off in all different directions. Kevin knew they needed to plan some time together to reconnect and start looking at the upcoming album release and promotion. Hence his spur of the moment visit. He got out of the car and walked to the back of the house. The paddocks had been cleared and the out buildings showed signs of repair and some fresh paint. Now all Brian needed were a few good horses, Kevin thought as he headed up the back steps. As he went to knock on the door out of the corner of his eye he caught a shadow move. He turned to see his cousin, slumped in a chair, four empty beer bottles on the ledge and a fifth in his hand. Immediately Kevin knew there was trouble. Brian was the social drinker in the group and from the looks of it, he was feeling the effects of the malt brew. “Brian? What’s this all about?” Kevin walked over and picked up one the empty bottles. The younger man looked up and Kevin could see his eyes were a bit glassy and he looked liked he had been crying. “Kev, my man. Join me, won’t you.” Brian raised the bottle in his hand as he reached into a small cooler and pulled out a fresh beer and offered it to his cousin. “Thanks. What’s the occasion?” Kevin opened the bottle and took a long pull of the cool liquid. He leaned against the railing and stared at Brian. He appeared to be alone and Kevin thought that a bit odd considering that Colby had become a fairly prominent fixture in Brian’s life in the last year. Something was definitely wrong. “Brian?” he kicked his foot against him and Brian stirred from his musings. “Just drowning in my sorrows,” he chuckled. He took a big gulp of the beer and coughed as it caught in his throat. Kevin took the bottle from him and pulled a chair up and sat in front of him. “What happened Brian? Tell me.” He could see the forlorn expression on Brian’s face and his eyes were clearly bloodshot. “I did it again, Kev. I ruined it again. Made a mess. I told her I loved her and it didn’t make any difference, but no matter how much I tried to prove to her, she just wouldn’t listen.” Brian dropped his head into his hands and soft sobs racked his body. Kevin ran his hands through his hair. Oh brother, he thought, girl trouble. Well there had to be a way to remedy this. They were so good together. Grant you he had his reservations at first what with the age difference and the troubles with the Spencers but he thought it had all been worked out. He took out his handkerchief and handed it to Brian, who proceeded to blow his nose into the clean linen. Kevin sat and waited until Brian calmed down. He needed to be clear headed before they worked this out. Brian looked up at Kevin. He felt like he was eight again and Kevin was helping him out of another scrape. He had lost count of the number of times Kevin had come to his aid and helped him work out his problems. “Now tell me calmly. What happened between you and Colby.” Kevin leaned back in the chair his hands resting across his chest. Brian let out a breath. “I asked her again to marry me.” “Again?” This was the first he had heard of this. “Yes. I tried a number of times before. I even had a ring the first time, but she turned me down then and each time since including tonight.” He reached for the beer and Kevin whisked it away. “You’ve had enough. Talk to me.” Brian pouted but sat up straight and breathed heavily. “She won’t marry me because she can’t have children.” There he said it out loud and to someone else. “Oh?” “I told her I didn’t care that I loved her and wanted to be with her. But Kevin she talked about stepping aside when I find someone who can give me a family. I don’t want anyone else. I want Colby.” His voice got a bit louder and Kevin could see the agitation course through his body as he spoke. “Just cause it hasn’t happened, doesn’t mean it couldn’t.” Brian muttered. “So what you’re saying is that you two have,” Kevin stammered and Brian nodded. “We’ve not been careful Kevin and because of that she thinks she can’t ever,” he didn’t finish the sentence. “Have you really thought about all this Brian? I know you and having kids has always been a dream of yours. Are you willing to give it up for her?” “Yes. Besides we don’t know for sure that we can’t I mean when we’ve been together just might not have been the right time.” He looked at Kevin for assurance. “I love her Kev. When she left tonight first I just felt lonely but then I got angry and now I’m afraid I could have lost her for good.” “Well it seems to me that Colby was trying to keep from hurting you but it’s had the opposite effect. I know she loves you Brian I can see it when you two are together. I’m sure it wasn’t easy for her to walk out of here tonight. You two need to talk, but before you do, take some time to think this all through Brian. You are going to be giving up a dream you’ve had for a long time. You need to be sure you can live with your decision.” “Problem is she won’t listen. A wall goes up around her, so that she is protected.” Brian ran his hand through his hair. “I suffered when she lost the baby too, Kevin. I had this dream that we would be a family together. But even then, she thought she knew what was best, by refusing to see me. Those weeks were hell but I never gave up. And I won’t this time either.” He stood up and swayed before getting his footing. Kevin grabbed his arm to steady him. “I think you need to go sleep this off,” Kevin suggested as he put his beer bottle on the floor. “Come on I’ll help you.” He went to lead Brian inside. “Nah, I’m fine.” He stumbled slightly. “I don’t think so buddy.” Kevin urged as he put his arm around Brian’s shoulders. “I need to go talk to her.” “Yes, but tomorrow. Right now you need to sleep and then when you are clear headed think through what you are going to say to her.” He got Brian to the bed and sat him down. Kevin took off his shoes and swung his legs on the bed. “Take a few days to sort it all out and then sit down and talk with each other.” Brian nodded as he lowered his head to the pillow. Kevin brought the comforter up and covered him. Brian was sound asleep. He turned out the light and closed the door. |