Aries: (March 21--April 19)
With Neptune rising in the east you will receive good news next week, unfortunately you will be killed in a car accident on Tuesday.

Taurus: (April. 20--May 20)
This is a week to finish all those unfinished jobs, otherwise the police may become involved when the body is discovered in your garage.

Gemini: (May 21--June 21)
You will be overcome with a sense of relief on Sunday after the surgeon sews your hand back on after the bizarre farming accident.

Cancer: (June 22--July 22)
Financial matters will improve this week, but the security cameras caught you in the bank and you will be arrested on Saturday.

Leo: (July 23--Aug. 22)
Not everything will go according to plan this week, as you will find out on Tuesday when the electric heater you installed falls into your Mother's bath.

Virgo: (Aug. 23--Sept. 22)
Excitement will be short lived on Wednesday when you realize that the lottery ticket ran out last week.

Libra: (Sept. 23--Oct. 23)
Your unhealthy obsession with the single girl next door will be discovered when she unexpectedly wakes up to find you hiding in her bedroom dressed in her swimsuit and wearing your new night vision goggles.

Scorpio: (Oct. 24--Nov. 21)
The saying 'sticks and stones can break my bones but names will never hurt me' will be called into question in the Coroner's report.

Sagittarius: (Nov. 22--Dec. 21)
Life will be all swings and roundabouts this week, until a concerned parent catches you hiding in the bushes in the playground.

Capricorn: (Dec. 22--Jan. 19)
Life will be full of surprises for you on Wednesday when you discover the woman you have been flirting with all month is actually a man.

Aquarius: (Jan. 20--Feb. 18)
This is not a week to indulge yourself. No matter how appealing the 16-year-old's offer seems, paying for sex is unlikely to help alleviate the overwhelming feeling of loneliness in your life.

Pisces: (Feb. 19--March 20)
You will receive an unexpected week off work when you inadvertently blind yourself with a pair of pliers.