| 05 16 01 friday is my last final.. and i'm sitting here barely having studied for it.. 2 nights before it... i always have tomorrow..right? hmph.. oh well... i was just thinking about some... stuff i guess.. specifically? senior week... i'm gonna be here till sunday.. and honestly speaking.. i almost feel as though even that is intruding .. or maybe i dunno.. just being here when i shouldn't be.. i feel as though i should be gone before saturday night's big senior week kick off carnival rolls around... i mean.. of course i want to be with john as much as i can.. especially considering i won't be seeing him for a majority of the summer.. but at the same time... i don't feel right being here during a time..when he's supposed to be spending time .. all of his time.. with his closest friends who are leaving this year.. i guess i just don't want to get in the way... as much as i hate to admit this.. how do i explain this.. well.. his ex.. i know he's going to be spending time with her after i leave on sunday.. and ideally.. id have it so that that time was spent with me instead.. but the fact is.. i understand.. in a strange way.. in a way that i don't even like... my fear just arises from the fact that.. i think i've been through too much messed up shit in terms of what people will do to other people.. even if they care a lot about the person who is basically... getting fuked.. like.. even if i trust the guy completely.. i still have this .. i dunno.. i guess it's hard for me to trust anyone completely.. it's just.. in the same way that knowing that he's spending more time with her will make me wonder.. will make me annoyed.. i'll completely understand.. putting feelings onto paper is such a friggin hard task.. none of this is coming out the way i want it to.. the basic story is.. well.. aRg.. forget it..] the main idea of all of this.. is that no matter how annoyed i may get about the whole thing.. at the same time.. i'll know that it's necessary.. and.. in saying that i get worried.. it may sound as though i don't trust my bf at all.. but that's not the case.. i actually can't picture him doing anything of the sort.. if there's a guy who in my mind..would never do that.. it's him.. but.. i kno how things can get.. old feelings almost inevitably will come about.. just spending more time than usual together will bring those about.. that's bound to happen for almost anyone.. probably even me.. though i can't imagine it happening right now.. with anyone.. i'm not sure whether or not i should talk about this with john or not.. maybe he'll end up reading this.. who knows.. i think i have tendency to think of the worst-case scenario.. especially in relationships... especially when i care about a guy this much.. i feel like a nuisance sometimes.. i really do.. like i shouldn't be around.. like i cause too much trouble.. like i stop people from doing what they should be doing.. stop them from what they want to be doing, whether they realize it or not.. at this point though.. with nothing packed..with noone able to pick me up saturday afternoon... i think im stuck here till sunday... maybe i'll stay in the whole time.. catch up on sleep or something.. let him go.. do as he pleases.. or maybe im thinking too much again.. :\ by the way... seniors have started leaving already... they'll be back next week.. but of course.. i wont be here then... it's not at all like pictured it being.. i pictured .. i dunno.. something other than this rush.. it's like..everyone is so busy that saying goodbye is almost ... i dunno. it's hard... especially giving a meaningful goodbye... hopefully.. i'll see most of these guys again.. real soon.. with all the craziness from finals.. emotions seemed to get pushed back.. *tEenY* |