To the Grandest Admiral there ever was, with all our love and definitely a few laughs!

The Commandments of Thrawn

By Inari Icewalker, with credit to Insane Chiss and Calli Walli for their splendid contributions here.

Commandment #1: Thou shalt have no have other aliens before me. Especially green ones. And on second thought, make that red-and-black ones with horns, too.

Commandment #2: Thou shalt refrain from intentionally uglifying my image merely because I am an Imperial and you are inclined to slam Imperials on principle. Don't make me send Rukh after you. Because I will.

Commandment #3: Thou shalt not imply that any Imperial is dickless, limpdicked, or smalldicked. We are not the rebels, you know. And don't make me send Rukh to check up on you. Because I will.

Commandment #4: I am not Darth Vader. Do I look like Darth Vader? No. Stop comparing me to him, before I have Rukh choke your ass.

Commandment #5: Idiotic authors and writers are not permitted to write stories about me, nor even mention my name in anything they write (and you know who you are). I mean it. Don't make me send Rukh after you. Because I will.

Commandment #6: I demand to be mentioned in every novel (and in the case of idiotic authors or writers, refer to Commandment #5).

Commandment #7: I demand respect. If you must write smut about me, don't have me doing ugly humans, ugly non-humans, or any other unmentionable things/creatures. You know what I'm going to say next, right? Don't make me send Rukh after you. Because I will.

Commandment #8: I am not a slut. I cannot help it if women follow me to my quarters every night and stay a while we have...a glass of Forvish ale. Spread any rumors to the contrary and I will send Rukh after you. And I mean it.

Commandment #9: In any case, thou shalt not have sex with my brother before (having it with) me, and in the event of an orgy, I go first. If not, expect a visit from Rukh afterward and remember to put on clean undies...you're going to need them.

Commandment #10: I will not hesitate to incinerate the capitol or blow up your planet in order to get your attention. But all is not lost. Just be sure to hand over all your precious art and artifacts before things get ugly and everything will be just fine. Then I will send Rukh after you.

Commandment #11: Don't even think about asking me anything close to "Do you ever worry about whether people can see your underpants through that white uniform?" You really don't want me to send Rukh after you. Because I will.

Commandment #12: That man over there, lurking around the buffet table, is not my brother. He's a defective clone, so don't let him convince you otherwise. Think anything to the contrary and I'll send Rukh after you. By now, you should know I will.

Commandment #13: George Lucas, ye Prophet of Yonder Tales, thou shalt give me at least a cameo appearance in either EP2 or EP3, preferably both. And don't make me send Rukh after you. Because I will.

Commandment #14: I am the rightful Emperor of the new Galactic Empire. Live with it and tell it like it is. That means you, Mr. Lucas. And don't make me send Rukh after you. Because you know I can.

Additional proverbs by Thrawn:

"Captain Pellaeon, have you sent Rukh after them? Because you should."

"C'boath, who? Oh, him, the clone. Let's send Rukh after him. Because we can."

"Hand over all your art and your planet doesn't die."

"He who giveth the Blue Man, can also take him away; he hath refused to return him, despite the number of women lusting for him. This displeaseth Thrawn greatly."

Famous last words:

"I never worked under Isard. She might like being on top, but I assure you nothing ever happened. Really."

"I will pop no cherry before its time. Unless I delegate Stent to loosen things up a bit for me, first, of course."

"Furious fathers of lovestruck teenaged girls do not concern me. Don't make me send...oh, wait. I need him alive. Scratch that."

"And yes, the blue does go all the way down. Stop thinking dirty thoughts about me or I will send Rukh after you."

"Rukh!"

The fine print (how small can I make this?)... and all the usual disclaimers!  No, I'm not making any money.  It's just for fun.  George, please don't sue me.