JOKES

Please, I need your help, if you know a joke, write me and then I will put here after

COMPUTER - USER Today arrive this questionnaire, is dedicated for all computer-user

Computer Problem Report Form

1. Describe your problem____________________________________

2. Now, describe the problem accurately_____________________

3. Speculate widly about the cause of the problem___________

4. Problem Severity: A. Minor __ B. Minor __ C. Minor __ D. Trivial __

5. Nature of the problem A. Locked Up __ B. Frozen __ C. Hung __ D. Strange Smell __

6. Is your computer plugged in? Yes__ No__

7. Is it turned on ? Yes__ No__

8. Have you tried to fix it yourself ? Yes__ No__

9. Have you made it worse ? Yes__

10. Have you had a "friend" who "Knows all about computers" try to fix it for you ? Yes__ No__

11. Did they make it even worse ? Yes__

12. Have you read the manual ? Yes__ No__

13. Are you sure you've read the manual ? Maybe__ No__

14. Are you absolutely certain you've read the manual ? No__

15. If you read the manual, do think you understood it ? Yes__ No__

16. If "Yes" then explain why you can't fix the problem yourself

17. What were you doing with your computer at the time the problem ocurred ?

18. If you answered "nothing" then explain why you were loogged in ?

19. Are you sure you aren't imagining the problem ? Yes__ No__

20. Does the clock on your home VCR blink 12:00 ? Yes__ What's a VCR__

21. Do you have a copy of "PCs for Dummies" ? Yes__ No__

22. Do you have any independent witnesses to the problem ? Yes__ No__

23. Do you have any electronics products that DO work ? Yes__ No__

24. Is there anyone else you could blame this problem on ? Yes__ No__

25. Have you given the machine a good whack on the top ? Yes__ No__

26. Is the machine on fire ? Yes__ Not yet__

27. Can you do something else instead of bothering me ? Yes__

This joke is the CHEMISTRY.
Do you know there are new chemical elements ?

ELEMENT : Woman

SYMBOL : Wo

ATOMIC WEIGHT : 120 lb (more or less)

PHYSICAL PROPERTIES : Generally round in form. Boils at nothing and may freeze at any time. Melts whenever treated properly. Very bitter if not used well.

CHEMICAL PROPERTIES : Very active. Possesses sttrong affinity to gold, silver, platinum, and precious stones. Violent when left alone. Able to absorb great amounts of exotic food. Turns slightly green when placed beside a better specimen. Ages rapidly.

USAGE : Highly ornamental. An extremely good catalyst for disintegration of wealth. Probably the most powerful income reducing agent known.

CAUTION : Highly explosive in inexperienced hands.

Yet Another New Element on the Periodic Table

ELEMENT : Man

SYMBOL : XY

COMMON NAME(S) : Varies anywhere from John to !@#$&*!

ATOMIC WEIGHT : 180 lb +/- 100

PHYSICAL PROPERTIES : Solid at room temperature but easily gets bent out of shape. Fairly dense and sometimes flaky. Difficult to find a pure sample. Due to rust, aging samples are unable to conduct electricity as easily as young, fresh supplies.

CHEMICAL PROPERTIES : Attempts to bond with Wo any chance it can get. Also, tends to form strong bonds with itself. Becomes explosive when mixed with Kd (element Kid) for a prolonged period of time. Pretty basic.

USAGE : None really, except methane production. Good samples are able to produce large quantities on demand.

CAUTION : In the absence of Wo, this element rapidly decomposes and begins to smell

AGAIN BILL GATES! Bill Gates died and found himself being sized up by God...

"Well, Bill, I'm really confused on this call. I'm not sure whether to send you to Heaven or Hell. After all, you enormously helped society by putting a computer in almost every home in America, yet you also created that ghastly Windows '95. I'm going to do something I've never done before. I'm going to let you decide where you want to go."

Bill replied, "Well, what's the difference between the two?"

God said, "I'm willing to let you visit both places briefly, to see if it will help your decision."

"Fine, but where should I go first?" Bill asked.

"I'll leave that up to you." God replied.

"Okay then," said Bill, "let's try Hell first."

So Bill went to Hell. It was a beautiful, clean, sandy beach with clear waters and lots of beautiful women running around, playing in the water, laughing and frolicking about. The sun was shining; the temperature perfect. He was very pleased.

"This is great," he told God. "If this is hell, I really want to see heaven."

"Fine," said God, and off they went. Heaven was a place high in the clouds, with angels drifting about, playing harps and singing. It was nice, but not as enticing as Hell.

Bill thought for a quick minute, and rendered his decision.

"Hmmm. I think I'd prefer Hell," he told God.

"Fine," replied God, "as you desire."

So Bill Gates went to Hell.

Two weeks later, God decided to check on the late billionaire to see how he was doing in Hell. When he got there, he found Bill, shackled to a wall screaming amongst hot flames in dark caves, being burned and tortured by demons, with no one to help him out of his dilemma no matter how loud he screamed.

"How's everything going?" He asked Bill.

Bill responded with his voice filled with anguish and tormented disappointment. "This is awful. This is nothing like the Hell I visited two weeks ago. I can't believe this is happening. What happened to that other place, with the beaches and the beautiful women playing in the water????"

"Oh," God said, "that was Hell 3.1. This is Hell 95."

OTHER DERIVATED OF VIAGRA

DIRECTRA - a dose of this drug given to men before leaving on car trips caused 72 percent of them to stop and ask directions when they got lost,compared to a control group of 0.2 percent.

PROJECTRA - Men given this experimental new drug were far more likely to actually finish a household repair project before starting a new one.

COMPLIMENTRA - In clinical trials, 82 percent of middle-aged men administered this drug noticed that their wives had a new hairstyle. Currently being tested to see if its effects extend to noticing new clothing.

BUYAGRA - Married and otherwise attached men reported a sudden urge to buy their sweeties expensive jewelry and gifts after talking this drug for only two days. Still to be seen: whether the drug can be continued for a period longer than your favorite store's return limit.

NEGA-VIAGRA - Has the exact opposite effect of Viagra. Currently undergoing clinical trials on sitting U.S. presidents.

NEGA-SPORTAGRA - This drug had the strange effect of making men want to turn off televised sports and actually converse with other family members.

FLATULAGRA - This complex drug converts men's noxious intestinal gasesback into food solids. Special bonus: Dosage can be doubled for long car rides.

FLYAGRA - This drug has been showing great promise in treating men with O.F.D. (Open Fly Disorder). Especially useful for men on Viagra.

PRYAGRA - About to fail its clinical trial, this drug gave men in the test group an irresistible urge to dig into the personal affairs of other people.
Note: Apparent overdose turned three test subjects into "special prosecutors."

LIAGRA - This drug causes men to be less than truthful when being asked about their sexual affairs. Will be available in Regular, Grand Jury and Presidential Strength versions.

FROM THE WHITE HOUSE

A Clinton Limerick

A philandering pres named Bill,
Was married to a lawyer named "Hill",
He played on the side,
And repeatedly lied,
'Cuz his female intern said "I will"

Q. What do Clinton's Underwear and Socks have in common???
A. They both keep his ankles warm
- As told by Paul Mooney - a great comic saw at Carolines Comedy Club in New York a few days ago.

"The President in the white house must learn that the word
"HARASS" is one word"

Most people get AIDS from sex; but President Clinton gets sex
from aides.

Arkansas is very proud of Clinton--all these women coming forward and none of them are his sister!

IDENTIFYING WITH THE AMERICAN PEOPLE

Bill Clinton's in the Lincoln bedroom engaged in some heavy foreplay with Monica, when he decides that it's time to finish the deed. As he's doing so, Monica lets out a cry of discomfort.

"What's the matter, honey?" Asks the President.

"I'm still a virgin, and it hurts!" was the reply.

Bill responds, "I feel your pain!"

Q: Why was it difficult for Clinton to fire Monica Lewinsky?
A: He couldn't give her a pink slip without asking her to try it on first.

Q: What do Monica Lewinsky and Bob Dole have in common?
A: They were both upset when Bill finished first.

Q: Why is Clinton so interested in events in the Middle East?
A: He thinks the Gaza Strip is a topless bar.

CITY OF LOS ANGELES HIGH SCHOOL MATH PROFICIENCY EXAM

NAME:_______________________________ GANG:____________________

1. Johnny has an AK47 with an 80 round clip. If he misses 6 out of 10 shots and shoots 18 times at each drive by shooting, how many drive by shootings can he attempt before he has to reload?

2. Jose has 2 ounces of cocaine and he sells an 8 ball to Jackson for $320 and 2 grams to Bill for $85 per gram, what is the street value of the balance of the cocaine if he doesn't cut it?

3. Rufus is pimping for three girls. If the price is $65 for each trick, how many tricks will each girl have to turn so Rufus can pay for his $800 day crack habit?

4. Jarome wants to cut his 1/2 pound of heroin to make a 20% more profit. How many ounces of cut will he need?

5. Willie gets $200 for stealing a BMW, $50 for a Chevy, and $100 dor a 4X4. If he has stolen a 2 BMW's and 3 4X4's, how many Chevy's will he need to steal to make $800?

6. Raoul is in prison for 6 years for murder. He got $10,000 for the hit. If his common law wife is spending $100 per month, how much money will be left when he gets out of prison and how many years will he get for killing the bitch that spent his money?

7. If the average spray can covers 22 square feet and the average letter is 3 square feet, how many letters can a tagger spray with 3 cans of paint?

8. Hector knocked up six girls in his gang, There are 27 girls in the gang. What percentage of girls in the gang has Hector knocked up?

REAL COWBOY???

An old cowboy -- dressed to kill with cowboy shirt, hat, jeans, spurs and chaps -- went to a bar and ordered a drink. As he sat there sipping his whiskey, a young lady sat down next to him.

She ordered her drink, turned to the cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"

"Well," he began, "I have spent my whole life on the ranch, herding cows, breaking horses, mending fences... I guess I am."

"What about you?" the cowboy asked.

"I've never been on a ranch," she said, "so I'm not a cowboy. But I am a lesbian."

"What? What's a lesbian?" asked the cowboy, who obviously had been out on the ranch too long.

"Let's just say that I spend my whole day thinking about women," she replied.

"As soon as I get up in the morning I think of women. When I eat, shower, watch television, everything seems to make me think of women."

After a while she left the bar and the cowboy ordered another drink. A young couple sat down next to him and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"

"I always thought I was," he replied, "but I just found out that I'm a lesbian."

As you are aware, ships have long been characterized as being female (e.g., "Steady as she goes", or "She's listing to starboard, Captain!").

Recently, a group of computer scientists (all males) announced that computers should also be referred to as being female. Their reasons for drawing this conclusion follow:

Five reasons to believe computers are female:

1. No one but the Creator understands their internal logic.

2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.

3. The message "Bad command or file name" is about as informative as, "If you don't know why I'm mad at you, then I'm certainly not going to tell you".

4. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval.

5. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

However, another group of computer scientists (all female) think that computers should be referred to as if they were male. Their reasons follow:

Five reasons to believe computers are male:

1. They have a lot of data, but are still clueless.

2. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they are the problem.

3. As soon as you commit to one you realize that, if you had waited a little longer, you could have obtained a better model.

4. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.

5. Big power surges knock them out for the rest of the night.

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