Now that the deadbeat father has changed his locks again, or that you've paid all your legal fees, or that you've finally cleaned up after the funeral reception, you've started to think about dating again.  Your friends and interfering mother have started introducing you to people and sending you links to online personal ads.  It feels like the time is right.  But will your kids be cool with the idea of you dating?  The answer is a resounding no.  But hey, now that you are their only parent they will eventually resent you for something and you might as well be getting laid in the meantime.

    With a little sensitivity and a lot of talking, this process can stay painless.  Try these six tips when you introduce the topic of dating to your kids:
 
 
1. Start a dialogue
No matter what you say, your children will hate the fact that you're trying to replace their absent parent.  Chances are, after you trick them into thinking that your dating life doesn't have a huge impact on their day-to-day existence, they'll go back to talking about what they did in school today.  If that doesn't work, bribe them.

2. Try to reassure them
Tell your children that for at least the next few months, they are still the most important part of your life.  Preserving routines and integrating your new special someone slowly into the mix is an illusion that will only last for a little while.  The second your new relationship becomes serious, all the emotional walls you carefully built with your children will crumble faster than the walls of Jericho.

3. Try to reassure them again, even if it means deception.
Make sure they understand that they will always be taken care of by someone.  It helps if you can spend quality time with your new partner when the kids are with the other parent or with someone else they trust implicitly.  If the other parent is dead, the kids won't mind a few hours alone in a graveyard. Kids need to believe that you won't run off with your new love or leave them with a babysitter they don't like even if that is the case.

4. Set some ground rules
Children should know they must treat your date with the same respect you treat them with.  So, if your date is scared off by your child's incessant name-calling and frequent swearing, it's your own damn fault, you whore motherfucker Nazi.

5. Don't include them
It is essential for your children to continue to respect you. Don't let them get to know the new man or woman in your life - your divorce was already humiliating enough for you. You already live in a two-room apartment near the freeway, they don't need to see some sleazy car salesman with a receding hairline trying to cop a feel from you during a trip to the zoo. Extreme secrecy is necessary if you ever want them to continue looking you in the eye.

6. Never Relax
Your children will take their cue from you. If you are unhappy and constantly depressed by failed short-term romances, their school work will suffer. Always smile and act like nothing is wrong even in your darkest, most lonely moments.
 
 
    Reentering the dating scene is very stressful and expensive, but if you meet someone who is desperate and rich, you've hit the jackpot. There are a lot of thoughtful parents out there who deserve to meet someone special, but remain married anyway. Even moms and dads must have a fulfilling romantic life, or they will grow increasingly dependent on their burdened children.

    Enjoy it while you can, though. Soon your kids will be asking to go out on dates of their own. You will realize then that handling your own social life was a piece of cake in comparison to worrying about theirs. Before you know it, you'll be violating their privacy and accusing them of hiding a pregnancy.

    When the time is right, take the first step and search for someone new. Remember, there's always more fish in the sea, but don't let your children become poison bait.

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