Premise: In the somewhat distant future, President Wallace Muffshire is coming to the end of his first term in the oval office. His re-election campaign is well under way, but there is a lot of unnecessary pressure clouding his judgment and causing him stress. Personally, he is worried about his wife, who is battling cancer on one of the moons of Venus, which is inhabited by a vicious tribe of tumors. He recently discovered his beloved daughter is pregnant with his brother. Even though Wallace's father has been dead for quite some time, this occurrence proves once and for all that his father actually was the world-famous sexy, dashing time traveler, Rip Skillshot. Politically, he is losing public support after his recent failures overseas. After President Muffshire issued a risky military order, the USA 's temporal cold war with France culminated in the accidental erasure of all French culture and history from existence. The public doesn't quite remember why they're mad at Muffshire, but they do know there is a huge, gaping hole in Europe . He worries that public favor will sway towards his opponent in the election, a billionaire hover-bike racer named Tiberius Atticus. Also, the recent tax on blinking seems to be more trouble than it's worth.

           Mr. President is on his last nerve when his good friend and Postmaster General Nathaniel Fox suggests a way to relieve some of his pent-up emotion. All throughout history, men have sought solace and comfort in the sport of hunting. Therefore, to relieve the most stress in the shortest amount of time, Fox suggests hunting the most dangerous game of all: man. A desperate Wallace agrees. The two fly by hover-copter to an uninhabited island in the Pacific, where Fox's lackeys from the post office have delivered a convicted killer for them to hunt down. As the two drink Vanilla Beer © and swap childhood stories of racing souped up hover-cars through the abandoned ruins of Old New York, they close in on their human target. Using his laser-sighted hover-laser gun, Wallace kills his prey. As they stand triumphantly over the slightly glowing body of their victim, Fox reveals himself to be none other than Tiberius Atticus in disguise. Atticus then reveals that the man Wallace killed was not an evil murderer, but an innocent banker. The whole purpose of the trip was to incriminate poor Muffshire, allowing Atticus to grasp the presidency easily. The President has officially reached his breaking point. Atticus speeds away on his hover-bike, but the President throws a rock into one of the hover-spokes. The bike topples over and explodes into a brilliant burst of hover technology and cheap metal. The once-proud Tiberius Atticus dies instantly.

           In the smoking shreds of Atticus' jacket, Muffshire discovers a letter Atticus received from a cute and adorable third grader. The letter speaks of how much the adorable little child is looking forward to hearing how Uncle Tiberius' hunting trip went. Muffshire is no fool; he realizes this is a loose thread that must be cut.

          Once he is back in Washington , Muffshire silences all those who could connect him to the incriminating hunting trip. In typical film noir fashion, the President quickly discovers that with each murder he commits to help hide the other murders, he is only digging himself in deeper.  Thankfully, the presidents of this time period aren't the symbols of democracy they used to be. They are symbols of democracy who can resort to being crime lords when the political climate calls for it. Once the President's serial killer tendencies become apparent to the nation, he surrounds himself with a gang of pacifist mercenaries, whose primary purpose is to look cool and scare off enemies by appearance alone. The easily intimidated legislative and judicial branches of the government are too chicken to take out President Muffshire themselves, so they decide to hire outside help. The only one willing to take him on is a freelance robot named Hexstein. Hexstein roams the country performing whatever tasks people randomly assign him. One day he might be tying shoes for orphans in New Hooverville, the next he might be flipping sealburgers at the local McEndangeredspecies. Hexstein came with only one flaw: he was speechless. His tongue had been cut out by a group of angry tobacco lobbyists for no discernable reason. Hexstein had previously cut the tongue out of a magazine. Despite his single glaring flaw, the panicky politicians hired Hexstein anyway.

           With little effort, Hexstein defeats the pacifist mercenaries by simply doubling what President Muffshire was paying them. The slave boy hears of Hexstein's arrival, giving Wallace Muffshire just enough time to escape. After doubling the slave boy's wages from one shoelace to two, Hexstein learns the secret hideout of the President: the Potomac Volcanoes. In this bizarre future world, the Potomac River has been replaced by a series of volcanoes, which spew everything from the traditional lava to ridiculous things like candy and puppies. Hexstein confronts the insane President Muffshire on top of a volcano filled with a mystery liquid. They engage in a very violent battle which results in Hexstein losing various crucial parts and Wallace losing a limb or two along with several patches of hair. Eventually, they fall into the volcano. The mystery liquid turns out to be self-actualization juice. Hexstein enjoys a far-out fantasy where he is the ringmaster in a circus with a troupe of performing abstract nouns. Meanwhile, President Wallace Muffshire is subjected to one of the two following fantasies (the producers haven't decided which yet): Wallace fishes in a boat while talking to precocious German boy who teaches him a valuable lesson, or Wallace eats lunch with the Burger King in a Taco Bell while having a conversation on the meaning of life peppered with pop culture references. The end.
Who's Directing It: Terry Gilliam, Curtis Hanson, or Robert Rodriguez.
Who's In It: Hugh Jackman (President Wallace Muffshire), Steve Buscemi (Tiberius Atticus), Colin Farrell (Rip Skillshot), Jack Black (The Burger King) and no one, he's speechless! (Voice of Hexstein)
Who's In It If Robert Rodriguez Directs: Antonio Banderas (President Wallace Muffshire), and Salma Hayek (Voice of Hexstein)
Tagline: "During this campaign, no one will be running for president because all the candidates will be too busy running from him. "
Scooper: Jackson Brody

Holy Shit, It's World War III, Charlie Brown! (New!)

Premise: It's the first year of Charles W. Brown's first term as president, and he's brought the Peanuts gang to Capitol Hill!  Lucy is the Press Secretary (Complete with Press Secretary booth.  5 cents a question.). Linus is the leader of the Secretary of State. Marcie is a secret service agent/scientist, who's working on the ultimate supersoldier, Peppermint Patty ("You're radioactive, sir").  Sally is a crack whore. Pigpen is a reclusive billionaire supported Brown's campaign, and who smokes a lot of pot. Franklin is...well, he does something important, let's just say. Snoopy is a renegade fighter pilot gone AWOL, with his friend Woodstock strapped to an H-Bomb. Schroeder is the gay Special Assistant to the President, who is in love with Charlie Brown ("Sparky..."). The Little Red Haired Girl is a Russian Spy, who knows just how to get to Charlie Brown's secrets. And Rerun is Vice-President.  Add all of these up, and what you get? The blockbuster political hit of the summer! Well...that or a huge lawsuit from the estate of Charles Schultz.
Tagline: This summer...prepare...two words...Good Grief.
Scooper: Fuv Ma' Poppin'

Where's Waldo? In Hollywood

Premise: Based on the wildly popular children's books from the early 90's, this movie takes place where the books leave off. Sure, we know that Waldo is constantly in different places, completely rebuffing the notion of utter claustrophobia. However, this movie examines what happens to Waldo when he visits the mystical land of Hollywood, California. While the book was a rather mundane and repetitive "Find Waldo somewhere in Hollywood" story (natch), this movie dares to follow Waldo after he arrives, and gets enamored by the Hollywood lifestyle. "Where's Waldo?" soon becomes, "Waldo, where's the cocaine?" and "Waldo, where's the dead transvestite hooker?". A truly daring tour de force from first time director Odlaw.
Who's Directing It?: Odlaw. What, weren't you listening...er, reading?!
Tagline: His dog can't help him. The wizard can't help him. A page full of Waldo impersonators can't help him. This time, Waldo finds himself lost in the flea-bitten whore of a town known only as...Hollywood.
Sample dialogue: "Oh, Waldo, Hollywood's changed you."
When It's Coming To Theaters: Coming soon...if you can find it. 

Clockstoppers 2: Lockstoppers (New!)

  Premise: Drawing on a certain interview French "Freedom" Stewart made on Conan O'Brien around the time of promoting his appearance in the Nickelodeon film "Clockstoppers", in which our Mr. Stewart made a comment about the film taking on a whole different meaning if you removed just one letter from the title, the idea soon came around that, despite French's lame dirty joke, perhaps a sequel could be made, drawing on a certain interview French "Freedom" Stuart made on Conan O'Brian...whoops, sorry. French Stuart makes me do that sometimes. Anyway, instead of dropping the "L" from the title, the makers of "Lockstoppers" instead decided to drop the "C", thus giving birth to the greatest film this side of the Panama Canal, Lockstoppers (!), in which our hero French goes around for an hour and a half, in real-time, in the futile effort that is trying to get everybody on Earth to stop locking things.
Tagline: "Wait, stop! Don't lock that!"
Sample Dialogue: "Wait, stop! Don't lock that!"
Who's Directing It?: John Lithgow
When It's Coming To Theaters: Soon, hopefully before Clockstoppers 3: Cockstoppers; The Porno (Featuring the Sample Dialogue "Wait, stop, don't cock that!")

  Good Burger 2:
The Porno:
Hot N' Greasy

Tagline: "Put your meat between my buns!"
Who's In It?: Kenan Thompson and Kel Mitchell
Who's Directing It: Abe "I think I just broke my ass" Vigoda
Premise: Kenan and Kel were once the Kings of Nickelodeon.  However, once they started growing up, they knew that their time was running short as kids novelty acts, and thus the movie Good Burger was born.  Five years later, Kenan and Kel are poor, gay, and ugly.  So, what can they do to cash in on their former celebrity? They decide to take the road less traveled (unless you count Dana Plato...), and star in a porno movie. Kitchy, no? The story isn't really something you can talk about on a family site such as this, but we can give you snippets:  "Special Sauce", "Big Mac", the phrase "Would you like guys with that?", and Kel's signature line "Welcome to Good Burger, Home of the Good Burger, How can I sexually pleasure you?" are all featured prominently in this film.
Rated: NC-17, for major...um...flame-broiled action.
When It's Coming to Theaters : Already floating around the internet, and probably at Risque' video as we speak.
--A Fuv Ma' Poppin' and Odephius McAntismash original

Crossroads 2

Script First Draft Title(s): "Untitled Britney Spears Project Part 2", "Oops, She Did It Again"
Who's in it?: Britney Spears, um...those...other girls...ensemble cast...or something...maybe Justin Timberlake in a cameo...and Dan Ackroyd
Who's directing it?:  Carson Daly
Tagline: Dreams change. Plots don't.
-or-
Not an original, not yet a trilogy
Premise: Instead of Britney and friends going on a roadtrip, a roadtrip goes on them! No, kidding. This time, the girls highjack an airplane, and instead of flying it into buildings as seems to be the fashion nowadays (bad P.R., Ms. Spears...), they decide to go on an international roadtrip, with yet another guy that they just met (Justin Timberlake). Look out Paris, here comes trouble! Also featuring: Hilarious "I'm not sleeping here" line followed by girl then sleeping there...again, and Britney singing, god bless irony, "I want to rock n' roll all night (and party every day)". May god have mercy on our souls.
When It's Coming to Theaters: After Britney finishes shooting "Home Movie" with Justin
--A Fuv Ma' Poppin' Original

Working Class Zero

Script First Draft Title(s): Remember The Hurricane's Training Day: Based on the True Story of an Angry Yet Basically Good-Hearted Man Who Overcame Great Adversity
Who's In It?: Denzel Washington (John C. Everyman), and a bevy of well-established character actors just there to make Denzel look good.
Who's Directing It?: Denzel Washington
Tagline: Is That An Oscar In Your Pocket, Or Are You Just The Amazingly Versatile Denzel Washington?
Premise: After making it painfully obvious that he think he deserves an Oscar for his performance in Training Day, Denzel will again lose as Russell Crowe again takes the stage to accept his much-deserved second statuette at the 2002 Academy Awards.  Denzel will be so frustrated that he will write, produce, direct, and star in a sure-fire Oscar favorite.  It tells the story of John Conflicted Everyman, who comes home from his job as a Protestant Minister/Volunteer Firefighter/Electrician for the Underprivileged to find his entire family murdered by his nemesis, Officer Rascist.  Of course, John is accused of the murder and is convicted because he is a working class everyman who bravely overcame a drug problem many many years ago and because the system is corrupt.  Or something.  While in jail, John is asked by his dying brother to coach his little league team.  John accepts, and because it's a movie, a judge lets John out once every week to coach the Rodney Kings to victory.  During the championship game between the Rodney Kings and the Easy Street W.A.S.P.s, John collapses just as the wheelchair kid is about to hit the home run to win the game.  It turns out John has that rare terminal and incurable movie cancer.  John is released from prison, and it gives him time to track down the evidence to prove Officer Rascist's guilt.  He does, with the help of several comical assistants who give this otherwise dark epic a lighthearted and fancy-free tone.  Maybe Frankie Muniz, of one of them girl pop star types who's looking to break into the biz.  That's the ticket.  Once John gathers the necessary evidence, he simply lets Officer Rascist off the hook to show how humble he is.  He manages to leave all his anger behind him, and reluctantly dies because he was denied the chance to right all evil in the world.  In the process, our working class zero has become a working class hero.
When It's Coming To Theaters?: Very soon, it's mostly scenes from other movies with Denzel digitally inserted in.
--A Jackson Brody original

Enron: The Movie
(Note: Written before the TV movie)

Script First Draft Title(s): "Enron: Chairman of the Bored", "Clear and Present Bankruptcy".
Who's In It?: Brian Dennehy (Kenneth Lay), Tom Brokaw (President George W. Bush), Peter Jennings (Jeffrey Skilling),  Rob Lowe (Senate Majority Leader Tom Daschle (D-SD), Richard Dreyfuss (Vice President Dick Cheney), Richard Harris (Secretary of Treasury Paul O'Neill)  Smart money also says that LL Cool J. will make a cameo as Secretary of State Colin Powell.
Who's Directing It?: Former Speaker of the House Newt Gingrich (in his directorial debut)
Tagline: "They were just some men looking for one energy plan to rule them all!"
Premise: The not-so-heart-wrenching story of complicated accounting and political scandals where once again the matter is not black and white.  Will there be lots of sex and violence involved?  No.  Will there be lots of trial scenes?  Yes.
When's It Coming To Theaters?: When the screenwriters have enough material to make the movie long.
Trailer Transcript:
In the midst of a recession...
Only one company...
Had the stupidity...
To throw around millions of dollars.
And that company was....
Enron (echoey sound effect ensues)

Til There Was Ewe

Script First Draft Title(s): "The M'ewe'sic Man: A Spike Lee Joint"
Who's In It?: Dean Jones (Harold Hill), Dolly (The Sheep), James Marsters (Mayor Shinn)
Who's Directing It?: Spike Lee
Tagline: "There were sheep on a hill, but he never heard them baaaing"
Premise: A re-imagining of the classic 1962 film, which was in turn based on the play written by Meredith Wilson.  What can we expect from this film?  It's anyone's guess.  Perhaps Harold Hill lands on a planet where sheep evolved from men.
When's It Coming to Theaters?: Expect this one Summer 2005.
Trailer Transcript: None written yet.

Kazaam 2: Kazaamistad

Script First Draft Title(s): "Kazaam 2: Steel"
Who's In It?: Shaquille O'Neal (Kazaam)
Who's Directing It?: Stephen Spielberg
Tagline: "Wishes are not given.  They are our right at birth. But there are some moments when they must be taken."
Premise: A young slave boy finds a lamp on the slave ship Amistad.  After rubbing it, he finds basketball legend Shaquille O'Neal in it.  Set in the backdrop of a slave revolt and subsequent trial, "Kazaam 2" tells the story of that slave boy and the mystical powers he uses to create the events that unfold in "Amistad", and portrays family values and the wrongs of the slave trade, and also teaches that slave boy about the consequences of his unlikely discovery of a magic genie on a slave ship heading for America.
When's It Coming to Theaters?: Christmas, 2002

Hollow Man 2:
Young Nephew of Sebastian Caine

Script First Draft Title(s): "Loser 2: Wrath of Dora Diamond"
Who's In It?:  Ashton Kutcher (Edmund Lewis Jr.), Nicole Kidman (Dora Tannek (Paul's daughter), Greg Kinnear
(Professor EvilKinnear)
Who's Directing It?: Britney Spears, in her directorial debut.
Tagline: "Dare to be evil..."
Premise: This time, Paul's daughter's going off to college, and he's got some tips.  1) Stay out of animal hospitals.  2) Stay away from anyone named Greg Kinnear.  Unfortunately, she heeds none of his advice, moves into an animal hospital with Greg Kinnear the following day, in fact.  Now, she's got to get together with that astoundingly befuddled Edmund (played lovingly by Ashton Kutcher).  Can she do it and still get an A+ in Literature?  No.
When's It Coming to Theaters?: Space and time fold in on each other regarding the release date of this gem.
Trailer Transcript:
Dora Tannek was a college student...
Edmund Lewis was another college student...
EvilKinnear was all that stood between them...
Oh, and did we mention that EvilKinnear is Dora's lover?...
Gross, huh?...
Yeah...
Coming soon to a theater near you....

The Lincoln-Douglas Debates Part Deux:
This Time It's Personal