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Transcript of Debate
Formal Style--Podiums
October 23, 2020
James Earl Jones (JEJ): Thank you gentlemen for coming to express your views in this fashion. You know the debate format.
Satch DeLeon (SD): Thanks Mr. Earl Jones.
Nelson DiChezzerai (ND): 'Sup?

(Laughter from audience)

JEJ: Now, Mr. Retina, several issues plague America at this time. Which do you think is the most important?
Indigo Retina (IR): Well, that's a tough one for the first question.

(Chuckles from audience)

I think the worst problem facing America now is the immense prices of novelty items. Should I have to pay $20 for a shirt that says "Kiss me, I'm Jamaican"? I think not. I think everyone would agree with me, right?

(Applause)

JEJ: Uh....Mr. DeLeon, same question...
SD: Well, Jim, I think the problem with America is not the most commonly talked about issues, such as pollution, Social Security, Medicare, or clowns. I think the problem is basically within the system itself. People can never be happy. That's why I would propose massive recreational reforms. A foozball table in every rumpus room, and a Playstation 6 in every household.

(Wild applause)

JEJ: Interesting. Mr. DiChezzerai...
ND: Wha?
JEJ: Mr. DiChezzerai, were you paying attention?
ND: Mr. Earl Jones, I will not lie to you...yes, I was.
JEJ: If you insist. Your question: How would you handle the current situation in Europe as President?
ND: We've got nukes, right?
JEJ: ....yes.
ND: There ya' go.
JEJ: Are you suggesting we bomb the historical cities of Paris and Berlin?
ND: Hell, worked with Sydney in '09, didn't it?

(A glowing boomerang flies over their heads and returns from whence it came for no reason whatsoever.)

JEJ: Mr. Retina, what kind of image would you portray as the representative of the United States in foreign policy?
IR: I believe that the United States needs to remain the image of a stable, democratic nation with a kick-ass President.

(Wild applause)

JEJ: ....Excellent. Mr. Zeus...may I call you Zeus?
Zeus: That's Almighty Zeus to you, Jim.
JEJ: Very well. Almighty Zeus, if you could be any flower, what would it be?
Zeus: Hard-hitting stuff, certainly. I think a Chrysanthemum...because it's fun to say. Chrysanthemum. Chrys...anth...e....mum.

(Zeus giggles)

JEJ: O...K... Mr. Retina, same question.
IR: Well, Jim, I think I would be a Mountain Laurel, the flower of my home state of Pennsylvania.
JEJ: Very good. Now, Mr. DeLeon, there has been speculation that if elected, you may cut all ties with the Middle East, should the situation there deteriorate further. How do you respond to that?
SD: Well, that's a tough issue certainly. In the interests of national security, I believe we can no longer associate ourselves with people who've had 6,000 years to get a proper system of give-and-take worked out and have not progressed any over that time. We're talking about the entire of human history here, Jim. I realize that religious issues are involved, but there isn't someone in that entire region that doesn't know someone who has died of one attack or another, and one would think that they would be fed up by now. However, this is not the case. They thrive on conflict, and we cannot align ourselves with those who wish to pull us into that millenia-long conflict.
JEJ: Almighty Zeus, how do you respond to that?
Zeus: Well, I think Mr. DeLeon certainly has a point, but we're talking about abandoning Israel here. A nation that we helped found for an entire religion of people to call their homeland. It means a lot to Jews worldwide that the most powerful nation on Earth is allied with them, and the last thing we need right now is another world religion angry at us. Polytheism hating us is bad enough. Believe me, I know. I used to be part of a Poly-theistic religion.
JEJ: Obviously.

(Chuckles from audience)

JEJ: Mr. DiChezzerai, what do you think of the situation.
ND: We've got nukes right?
JEJ (with a sigh): On to the next question. Mr. Retina, the deficit is growing every year, yet the economy is booming. How do you propose to right the situation, that is, make the federal budget similar to that of, say, a successful corporation?
IR: Well, we all know that Social Security is weighing the budget down, and I cannot promise that a dip into the Social Security box won't be necessary. However, that is for the Congress to decide. They have the power of the purse, and I do not pretend to be an accountant. However, what I do know is that cutting spending somewhere is the only way I know how we could decrease the deficit. "But what would you cut?" you ask. Certainly not the education budget. Not the defense budget. No, none of these will be cut. I would be happy to take a salary cut though. As well, I think that the Senate and House would not object to a cut in pay. They are paid more every year for doing the same thing Congress has done since it's inception.
JEJ: You are aware that Senators and Representatives are allowed to vote, right?
IR: Oh yes, Jim. I am aware of that.
JEJ: Very bold of you. But that doesn't cover the entire deficit.
IR: Doesn't it, Jim? Doesn't it?
JEJ: No, it doesn't. But it doesn't matter because our time is up.
ND: Wow, that was quick.
JEJ (murmuring): I'm not sure I could have taken much more.
Zeus: What was that, Mr. Earl Jones?
JEJ: I said "I'm not sure if I have enough cash to buy s'mores."
IR: Ah, what a great idea. Let's all go out for s'mores. My treat.
SD (as they are walking off): You know, the s'more depletion issue is one that I would rectify, should I be fortunate enough to get your vote.
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