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Movie
Reviews
These movies are the bane of human existence. If aliens see these babies, this planet is doomed. These are the movies I have the most fun with, even though they make me want to shoot someone when I am watching them. Monkeybone (2001) Bring It On (2000) Loser (2000) Mission to Mars (2000) Scary Movie (2000) Drive Me Crazy (1999) Starship Troopers (1997) "Monkeybone" (2001) Premise:
Comments:
Why, Brendan Frasier, why? Why? Just....
What were you thinking? What was going through your head when you thought "Whoopi Goldberg as Death? Damn, that's funny. That is a movie I want to slap my name on."? You should sue your agent for every penny he's got. Sue him. Now. Did you think it would be some sort of blockbuster? Did you? Well, you were wrong. "Bedazzled"? OK. "Mummy"? All right. "Mummy Returns."? Sure. "Monkeybone"?! :::sigh::: If I weren't already sitting down, I would have to sit down just thinking about that movie. I went in thinking it would be an acceptable waste of time... It was not an acceptable waste of time. I want my money and 92 minutes of my life back. Now. I demand to be treated as a thinking human being. Whoopi Goldberg? Come on. And what the hell was so funny about Chris Kattan running around with his ear on his shoulder pretending to have a broken neck? What was so funny about doctors chasing after him for his organs? Why was Bridget Fonda in that movie? Why, oh why, was a respectable actress in that piece of celluloid? It defies all logic. I give it 1 out of 5 Annoyed-Monkeys-Holding-Balls because I will not give you, Brendan Frasier, the satisfaction of being the only one ever to get none. And Dave Foley's ass? Honestly. Favorite Lines:
Bring It On (2000) Premise:
Comments:
1) I require substance in my movies. This movie had little to none. 2) I have a problem with Kirsten Dunst. In my opinion, she couldn't act her way out of an Amateur Shakespeare Enthusiast's Meet-and-Greet/Ice Cream Social. Her total facial expressions range consists of: a) extremely distressed/going
to cry.
And that's it! 3) I pride myself on not being a white-supremacist asshole. I think it's one of my more attractive features. I don't know the race of the writers of this movie, but their attempts at making the characters of both races realistic and non-stereotypical are appalling. The scenes between the 2 captains (one African American, one caucasian) are so full of unaddressed racial tension that it becomes uncomfortable. It is painfully obvious that the screenwriter intended deep social issues to be addressed in these scenes, but they turned the movie into this hideous "black vs. white, underprivileged vs. upper class, street smart vs. Easy Street" thing that I didn't deserve to have to actively ignore. I don't ask for racial harmony in all movies (because, lets face it, racism still exists and needs to be dealt with truthfully by Hollywood), but I think that dealing with Kirsten Dunst in a bikini, and dealing with far-reaching ethno-economic issues in the same movie is a bit much. 4) Jesse Bradford as Eliza Dushku's (the on-again, off again gymnast turned cheerleader) brother was a bit much. He's the poor man's Nicholas Brendan, and it was hard enough to see Faith and a Xander look-alike living as brother and sister without having to deal with his scenes with Kirsten Dunst. My god they were unnecessary. Oh, but that brushing-their-teeth-and-spitting-in-the-sink-in-complete-silence scene. Well, that was just sheer ground-breaking cinematic genius there. 5) These teenage characters are so banal that I don't even want to mention too many specifics. Needless to say, the sight of Kirsten's face reacting with horror to her world crashing down around her every 5 minutes is what brought this complaint on. For some reason, school completely disappears halfway through the movie. The petty problems of these "only ugly in movies where their character is supposed to be average" actors are laughable in contrast to the bigger problems civilization faces. This movie isn't even a glimpse at the human condition. It's an irrelevant look at the lives of snooty dancer-wannabes. Well, I will give the movie one good note. Any scene with Torr's brother (Cody McMains) is pure gold. He harasses Torr no end, and if I couldn't make Kirsten Dunst suffer in this movie, I'm glad it could be someone. Well, that's my opinion anyway. But, I mean, were you REALLY expecting a rave review of this one from me? Favorite Lines:
Loser (2000) Premise:
Unfortuntely his hat, among other things, sooner or later gets him kicked out of his dorm. So, he decides to sleep in his place of employment: a veterinarian's office. This is where the movie should have been put to sleep (pun intended). However, this is only the first half hour of the film. Through a series of happenings, Paul falls in love with Dora Diamond (Mena Suvari). A girl with one hell of a name, one hell of a hairdo, and one hell of a love affair with her professor (Greg Kinnear). The evil Greg Kinnear contrives to keep Dora, even though she's 18 and he's at least 30. Greg Kinnear is really evil in this movie, by the way. In fact, come to think of it, everyone but Paul, Dora, and the video-store clerk (a well-played cameo role performed by David Spade) are evil in this movie. Even his roommates are horny date-rapists. Oh, and his father is Dan Aykroyd. "Sorry to throw that one at you, movie-goer," Hollywood says laughingly at you. Anyway, I think you can guess what happens. Dora sees past Greg Kinnear's evilness and gets together with Paul by the end. Big freakin' surprise. Comments:
On IMDB.com, one reviewer calls this film an "amusing and honest college movie". I laughed when I saw that. Amusing? The only amusing part of this movie was David Spade's minute on the screen. I don't usually praise David Spade, but in this case it is warranted. Honest? How many date-rapist roommates has this reviewer had in college? How many of his significant others have had simultaneous flings with their literature professors? Has he ever been kicked out of his dorm and forced to sleep in an animal hospital? That's what I thought. Paul is way too nice to survive in New York City for five minutes, let alone an entire school year. Sorry New Yorkers, but you know what I mean. You have to have a certain mentality going into New York that you're going to get in, get what you want, and get out. No offense. I'm a big fan of NYC. Secondly, if Paul was so infatuated with the lovely Dora, why the hell didn't he call Greg Kinnear out? The good professor can't grade based on personal bias anyhow. It's against school policy, I'm sure. It was a joke. Jason Biggs should do some serious soul-searching and figure out if he wants to keep doing teen make-out flicks. (Make-out flicks being those movies whose only true purpose is to get lust-filled teenage couples into a dark theater to pursue an hour and a half of uninterrupted making out.) Does he want to be remembered as the teen-flick-guy? Or does he want to be remembered as an actual actor? And Mena Suvari could do way better than EvilKinnear if she put in some effort. This is a loathsome, hateful, teen movie. Favorite Lines:
Mission to Mars (2000) Premise:
Comments:
Ahem. Dear Jerry (May I call you Jerry?), Several things have come up that I think you should be aware of. For instance, your reputation is dwindling faster than a snowball's hopes in an oven. First, you did "Sliders", a quirky 1-hour sci-fi show that lasted 5 seasons, 4 of which contained you in your position as Quinn Mallory, quantum physicist extraordinaire. It is a certainty that the end of the 4th season was an ideal time to bail out of the series, although I still would have recommended you do so at the end of the 3rd. After your departure, the void was filled by a dumb guy and a down-to-earth physics graduate student played by a girl named Tembi. Anyway, I have written a song for you based on the Beatles song "Everybody's got something to hide 'cept for me and my monkey." It is entitled "Everybody's got somewhere to Slide 'cept for Jerry O'Connell." I would sing it for you now, but this is a letter. The only thing I can say is, why Jerry? Why did you do this movie? You're better than this, man! Is this the same Jerry O'Connell that was in "My Secret Identity", a little-known TV series about the exploits of a super-powered teen and his scientist friend? What about your cameo in "Can't Hardly Wait" as the famed Trip McNeely? Have you no pride in your role as Frank Cushman in "Jerry Maguire." You had me at hello, Jerry! Come on man, you were in "Stand By Me" for crying out loud! What about "Joe's Apartment", "Tomcats", "Body Shots", "The 60s" miniseries, and finally "The Ranger, the Cook, and the Hole in the Sky"....wait, those movies sucked. Anyway, take pride in your accomplishments. Turn down a script or two. Producers love that kind of thing. Sincerely and
succinctly,
Indigo Retina
Secondly, this movie
sucked so hard. There was almost no plot continuity.
Someone obviously didn't do their homework about explosive decompression
and space in general. The alien looked like Kate Moss in a horrible makeup
accident. The premise that life on Earth came from Mars was treated like
a cartoon. Meteor hits prospering Mars, so all the Martians come to Earth.
What are they saying? That a meteor hit a prospering Venus, and all these
women came to Earth too? Oh, you'd like that, wouldn't you John Gray?
Oh, I should mention the shameless capitalism displayed in this movie. Apparently, M&Ms will be the primary life-sustaining force on future space missions, and no doubt appropriate, considering their makers are Mars Candy Inc. Anyway, decide for yourself on the movie. And John Gray is the author of "Men are from Mars, Women Are From Venus", you plebeian! Favorite Lines:
Gary Sinise: What's
this
"Squeeze it!! Squeeze the liquid out!"--(Shudder) Tim Robbins: "We'll
just tell them it's a catastrophic power failure"
Scary Movie (2000) Premise:
Comments:
The first mistake this movie makes is that it assumes right off the bat that the American movie-going audience is transfixed with the idea of potty-humor. Like a deer in headlights, the American public cannot take its eyes off of tasteless sex, handicapped, racial, and drug-related humor. This is not true. The second mistake this movie
makes is that the majority of the American people think that the comedy
of the Wayans brothers is absolutely hysterical, and matches, if not exceeds,
the works of Bill Cosby, Dana Carvey, Red Skelton, Bob Hope....hmm...basically
any other great comedian. This, I hope and pray, is not true.
The Wayans Brothers couldn't think of their own plotline, so they borrowed from "Scream." They couldn't think of their own jokes, so they parodied the Matrix and beer commercials. They couldn't be funny by themselves, so they brought in Cheri Oteri to provide comic relief IN A COMEDY! They couldn't possibly stay in character for ONE SECOND. At one point, they shamelessly praise "The Wayans Brothers" television show, complaining that it "Didn't even get a final episode". Oh, boo-hoo-hoo. "Clerks: The Animated Series" didn't even get a third episode aired, and it was 5 billion times funnier than "The Wayans Brothers". And weed jokes are only so funny after awhile. This movie quickly tires out its allotted humor. Carmen Electra's "performance" fails to excite the interests of even her most avid fans. Shannon Elizabeth as a dumb cheerleader interested only in sex? What a surprise! It's interesting to note that the tagline for "Scary Movie" was "No mercy, no shame, no sequel." Hmm.... If you are really looking for a funny horror movie spoof, check out "Student Bodies". Sure, it's campy. Sure it may be stupid. But it doesn't have Shawn Wayans acting gay in it. And that's what really matters. Favorite Lines:
Drive Me Crazy (1999) Premise:
Comments:
On that note, you can all guess my reaction to Melissa Joan Hart's performance was less than enthusiastic. Don't get me wrong. "Clarissa Explains It All" kicked major TV butt for its time. However, Melissa has matured with, what I percieve to be, a weird face. This face was particularly showcased in this movie, as the director chose to use close favor shots for almost every single scene. Now, I'm not exactly one to talk as far as face goes, but Melissa's is odd. If you look at her close up, she has little semi-freckles in random spots, and most noteably, her right eyelid is always slightly lower than her left, causing this weird "She looks kinda stoned" effect. Look yourself. It's weird. In fact, I don't think there was a part of this movie I didn't find insulting to my intelligence. It's vapid attempts at drama were centered around pouty teen girls looking for attention. It's most heartbreaking moment is the moment you realize you're half-way through the movie, and a plausible plot hasn't kicked in yet. Favorite Lines: None Starship Troopers (1997) Premise: I won't spend too much time, because it would be painful to both me and you. Basically, the Earth is a fascist-militaristic state where if you serve in the Armed Forces, you become a citizen and get to vote. The idea, I suppose, is if you fought for it, you and you alone deserve to have a say in it. Anywho, there's this other species of giant bugs in the universe, and they send a giant rock hurtling at Buenos Aires. Some guy named Rico is from Buenos Aires, so he gets all ticked off and decides he's got to be one of the exterminators. At first, Earth's offensive goes badly, but with the help of Doogie Howser (whoops, I mean Neil Patrick Harris), they soon capture the elusive Brain-Bug. Ugh. Comments: This movie. :::sigh::: I had such high hopes. I had heard it was bad, but said "Nah, I like sci-fi. It'll be OK". To think this movie was heralded back when it was released as a sci-fi classic. It was like a high school production of "Forbidden Planet", only without the rock'n'roll. Loathsome teenagers struggle emotionally amongst a war for humanity's survival. One would think that if your entire species was in immediate danger of being obliterated, you might just put aside your petty grudges within your own military and work for the mutual benefit of all mankind. However, the characters in this movie are more worried about sex and glory than trying to rid the world of an alien threat. The petty squabbles are only coffee breaks for the special effects experts, who pulled every trick out of their hat to introduce an explosion somewhere every 20 minutes. There was a point in this movie where I snapped and had the greatest urge to shout "Go bugs, kill those monkeys with guns!" I actually rooted for the aliens for about an hour's worth of the movie because the human characters were so hateful, so bitter about how sad it was that they had the jobs of being heroes for their entire species. Sickening. Do you think our WWII veterans whined like these sad excuses for soldiers did? Hell no. They took on the responsibility of ensuring freedom for their family and friends. What are these characters fighting for? I know not. If it is only for their right to vote while the rest of their society has no say in government, it isn't much to fight for. And Denise Richards is very smarmy in this film. I never liked her in the first place, but I respect her even less now. Favorite Lines: None
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