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    So an American, an Australian, and an Afghan were walking down the street...oh wait, wrong story.  Sorry, everybody.  Oh, I'm so bad at this.

    One morning, last week, I was sitting down to my usual toasted English muffin and steaming (but not too hot) cappucino when I suddenly realized, quite to my horror, that it was December.  "Holy crap," said I.  With the world events of the past several months, I had completely forgotten that although the Emmy Awards had been postponed twice, Christmas would not be.

    For no apparent reason, I decide what to buy people for Christmas after the Emmy Awards.

    Unfortunately, after the Emmys, I was so fed up with Frankie Muniz's (of "Malcolm in the Middle" fame) loss to Eric McCormack (of "Will and Grace") for Outstanding Lead Actor in a Comedy Series that I cried for days.

    I don't remember much about that time, except for the sound of children laughing mockingly and the faint smell of shattered dreams on the wind.

    When I woke up, used Kleenex were scattered around my bedroom and I realized to my horror that I owned a set of Ginzu knives.  Not a pretty sight, let me tell you.

    Anyway, where was I going with this story?  Oh yeah.

    I ran to the mall, wandering around looking for ideas.  What should I get?  I only had a budget of $12.97, so I had to spend it wisely.  Upon further inspection, however, I found that I actually had $300 Canadian.  This would have been disastrous if, upon further inspection, I hadn't remembered that I was in Canada (for no apparent reason).  I proceeded to the local record establishment, hoping to find something by Bing Crosby, or Frank Zappa.  However, I found only the 182nd Blink (as it seemed), and the Bizkit that happened at that time to be Limp, and the Boys that originated from the Back of the Street.  I saw only Kims that were self-proclaimedly "Lil" and the Child of Destiny.  Instead of a rousing rendition of "What a Wonderful World" by Louis Armstrong, my ears were assailed by the incessant beats of Sucrose Ray proclaiming that an object was being tossed out of the proverbial window.

    I ask you this, avid reader.  If Ben Folds 5 of the B-52s, will the Sum ever be 41?

    I decided this environment was hardly a suitable one for commerce, so I beat it right out of there and trekked on.  Who can match my bewilderment when I reached the nearest "Best Buy"?  Computing machines everywhere, Bell's communication contraptions ringing with seemingly no connection to the wall, and huge picture boxes the likes of which I have never seen.  I stumbled out, confused at the constant references to "Windows"--while in the place I saw no such portals--much like in the record establishment's choice of background music.
 

With this, I continued to marvel at the miracles inherent behind "Bath and Body Works" and "Nieman Marcus."  The Old Navy thrilled my sensibilities as I tried on several stylish fleeces.  The Noble Books of Barnes provided a powerful yet personalized atmosphere as I searched intently for "Someone Could Win a Polar Bear" by the legendary John Ciardi, and for "Boys Against Girls" by the esteemed Phyllis Reynolds Naylor.  I attempted to locate their more obscure companion books "Someone Could Sublet a Crocodile" and "Someone Could Rent a Rhino", but to no avail.  To add insult to injury, all copies of the teen romance series "Ready, Sex, Go!" were sold out.      I attempted entry into a novelty store called Spencer's Gifts.  Unfortunately, although I thought all were allowed into the store, I soon discovered otherwise.  A heartless soul outside of the store informed me that due to how old I looked, and my incredibly huge pockets, I could not enter without a parent.  What, I ask you, could be more stupid?  I looked well over the proper age level, and had exactly $300 Canadian in my pocket.  What a crock!  Well, no hard-earned Indigo Retina money for them!

    I shopped around some more, but nothing caught my attention.  I was running out of time!  Should I buy "Mighty Midgets: An Illustrated History of Midget Auto-Racing" by Jack Fox, and if I shouldn't, then why not?

    Who knew that the answer was in front of me the entire time.  I decided something while looking for that dammed midgets book.  My friends didn't need durable material goods to please them.  No, not by a long shot.  They needed a quick fix.  Something to satisfy them, but still leave them with a good time.

    No, this magical item is not crack, my friend.  It is food.  I would take them to dinner.  But where?  Pizza Pilate's, the new novelty Roman Empire-themed pizza shop?  How about Applebees, or Denny's?  Le Bec Fin?  Mais non, my friend.

    We's be goin' to Fudruckers!

    And that's my story.  Sure, maybe a little pointless.

    Oh, I'm sorry.  Were you coming to this page for enlightenment?  Ha.  Ha ha.  Well, I am sorry, but we don't dispense that on this website.  You'll have to go to some other site for some enlightenment.

    In the meantime, enjoy some Christmas cheer.

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