- I almost don't feel the way I do.. - I called a suicide hotline because i was feeling depressed. the guy asked why. i told him. he hung himself. - Ever pour glue on a bird? - Scientists discovered a new number today. Bleem. it belongs in between Six and Seven. - Do other dogs think poodles are in a religeous cult? - If PRO is the opposite of CON...whats the opposite of Progress? - Who is the asshole that put an S in the word Lisp? - What would the world be like without hypothetical questions? - If a guy is an obvious fruit, and he becomes braindead...is he still a fruit? or is he now a vegateble? Or is he like the tamato. its like a fruit, but more of a vegeatble? - I got into an arguement with my rice crispies. I distintcly heard "snap-crackle-fuck you" - Why do they call it a near miss? isnt it a near hit? I'd think a Collision would be called a Near Miss. - I dont wanna live in New Hampshire. their license plate says "live free or DIE". I dont wanna live anywhere where it mentions death right on the license plate. - If i painted my turtle black, would it be spooky? - If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it a hostage situation? - Eye boogers are cool. those crusty things. They're cool, cause you know, even the POPE gets eye boogers. - How come the voices in peoples heads always tell them to kill someone? These people are crazy right? Shouldnt the voices be crazy too? How come they never say crazy stuff like "Go Take a shit on the salad bar at Wendy's". - What wine goes withh Cap'n Crunch? - You know what would be an interesting Debate that would turn into a fistfight? Existentialists vs. Skepitcs - If the TV says "dont go away", and you ACTUALLY stay there, do you realize you are obeying a talking box? - Worship the Potato. seems like a good idea. why not? - If someone runs into you, i say take a 3 point football stance and tackle their ass. they deserved it - Fuck soccer moms - Why do they swab your arm with alcohol before they give you a lethal injection? - If I'm in a room, and something screeches through the air and latches onto a guys neck spewing pus, and the guy runs around screaming...I have to laugh because..What is that thing? ya know? - Sties are caused by watching your dog shit - Why is it a moment of silence? how bout a moment of screaming?! these people are dead! AHHHHH. how bout a moment of Muffled Convorsation...for those who were treated and released. - the average family household has 1.7 kids. So thats means Billy and his decapitated sister. - I HATE people who dont know what Amalaagamoplasty means. they really annoy me. - If you are reading this, you have too much time on your hands. - The man who invented crest toothpaste died this week. 9 out of 10 dentists attended his funeral. - I find this funny. a group trying to fund president clintons legal bills after the lewinsky scandel actually sent a letter to Monica's dad because she was on the mailing list. - By the age of 18, the average child has seen 34,551 people murdered, killed in a violant way, or decomposing corpses, In Movies and Television. but if you break it down....its only like 3-4 a day - Tom Brokaw smells like Pie - I have a mixed dog. 1/2 rottweiler, 1/2 poodle. not a good attack dog, but a vicious gossip. - Whats your favorite planet? mines the sun. its like the king of planets. What? its not a planet? oh well planet or not when that thing burns out we are all gonna fry -