This is going to be my forum for whatever is on my mind at the time. Hopefull I'll do this once a week but knowing me it'll be every once in a while. So read up and let me know what you think.
Metal vs Hardcore
Metal vs Hardcore 2
A rant about preachy people
Some rantings I did a while ago.
September 22,2005
Well let's see where to start. You would think a lot has happened in two and a half years but not really. First of all, sorry KT for the below. Guess I was pretty pissed about something. But now it'd just be cool to hear from you. Haven't communicated with her for a long time now. She off and got married to a guy that doesn't want her seeing me. She's got two kids too. That girlfriend I mentioned all those years ago became an ex-girlfriend. Then the owners of the house she was renting went bankrupt so I let her move in with me for a couple of months until she could get her own place. Now it's been... let's see... TWO AND A HALF FUCKING YEARS!!!!! She drives me absolutely crazy, doesn't clean anything, yells at me for no fucking reason, and basically makes my life hell. When the lease is up I'm out. No matter whether or not she can afford a place of her own.
About my love life. There have been limited amounts of booty calls and one-night stands. I haven't been too bad. And now I've just started dating this kick-ass chick that's 8 years younger than me. She's got to be pretty fucking cool for me to overlook the age difference. She's actually the first woman I've ever dated that's younger than me at all. And the first blonde. And the first that's shorter. And the first smoker. Hopefully if things get serious with her she'll quick 'cuz that's just gross.
Guess that's about it. My job sucks again. It was really good there for a while. Mainly because I'm Billy Bad Ass and I rock the party that rocks FedEx's body. But now I'm ready to quit. Maybe DHL will pay me merry bundles of cash to come work for them.
February 23, 2003
Dearest KT, I just checked out your webpage. So basically fuck you for lying to me. Fuck you for mis-quoting me. And in general, fuck you. Here I was missing you like a dipshit. Thinking about stopping by or calling you. And you're slandering me on the internet and probably to everyone you know. To sum up, fuck you.
February 21, 2003
Ok, for the past month and a half I've been dating this real nice girl. By the beginning of next week it'll probably be over. So what can I say I've learned through this experience? I've learned that I will NEVER again date a religous person. Would someone explain to me why the ones that claim to follow the book that says "Judge not, lest ye be judged" are the quickest to do so? And why every religous person has the attitude of "If you don't think the exact way I do then you're wrong." Aside from that and the whole "I love you but you have to change" she's peachy. A little repressed maybe, but peachy. Well I guess she's pretty high maintenance too. Other than that things are swell.
January 4, 2003
It's as over as it gets now. She's in Alaska. I'm coping with it much better now. Still when I don't have anything to think about, when my mind wanders, it wanders to her. As much as I don't want to think of her I do. I've written quite a bit about it. And then the other day I got fed up with feeling like shit. I threw away everything that I wrote about her but I can't get this line out of my head. "I don't have to let you go. You never let me hold you." I really like that. Maybe I'll re-write the song some day.
The pain is dull most of the time. But sometimes it can hurt badly. Mostly when I think of the last words she ever said to me. "I'll call you." And my last words to her. "I'll come running."
December 17, 2002
Well I guess I'm a fucking liar. Everytime I said I was over Valerie. That we were just friends and I didn't have any feelings for her. I guess I was lying. Even though I really believed that I was past any romantic feelings for her I wasn't. But I didn't figure it out until it was too late. She's moving to Alaska at the end of the month. And there's nothing I can do about it now. And now she won't talk to me. Ever since I told her. I believe my exact words were, "I'm so in love with you I can't think straight." I never knew anyone could feel like this. I never knew anything could hurt this badly. I've been walking around like Sylvia Plath on prozac. Living either on the verge of tears or violent rage. But I've decided that it's not worth wasting my tears on someone who doesn't care. She doesn't even care enough to tell me she doesn't love me. No matter how many times I ask her to. This would be so much easier if I didn't know that she has feelings for me too. If I thought that she didn't feel anything for me. But she does. And she's leaving anyway. If I had just opened my fucking eyes earlier. If I had told her before she decided to leave then she wouldn't be leaving. She's making a huge mistake. Irregardless of how I feel about her it's a mistake for her to move to Alaska. I just wish she'd talk to me. She won't talk to me because she doesn't want me to talk her out of leaving. After she leaves I think I'm going to do the same thing. If she's not here I don't think I want to be either.
April 5, 2002
I've pretty much decided that super x-tian chick really doesn't like me. So everytime I see her I make it a point to go talk to her. It's weird, before I asked her out I'd never seen her before and now I see her all the time. It's been pretty fun though. The look on her face. Like "Oh man I was hoping he didn't see me." But she's always polite, I guess because her god won't let her be rude. And she's friends with bitchboy. I don't know what it is about me but when I find out someone doesn't like me I go out of my way to make sure they hate me. I can be such a dick sometimes. But usually because it's fun.
Lately I find myself doing and saying those things that people usually don't do. You know what I mean. You say the next time this happens I'm going to do that. These days, not every time, I've been doing that. So far it's just little shit like mouthing off to my boss. I haven't punched anybody in the throat yet. If I do, the first thing I'll do is write a journal entry about how cool the sound they made was.
March 27, 2002
Here's a general rule folks, if you don't want to know what someone thinks... don't ask them. I was at work last night and this guy, hereto referred to as bitchboy, asked me if I had a problem with him. As I mentioned in my last entry I'm pretty straight forward so I said, "Yeah, I don't like you." Things escalated from there and he stood up and got in my face. Bitchboy is like 6'3" 150lbs. When he noticed that I wasn't backing down he ran out of the room saying "We'll take care of this right now!" then went and complained to our manager. I don't think that anything will happen other than my manager saying to stay away from him. Which isn't a problem considering that that's the only thing I've ever said to him other than yes or no. I'm looking forward to having that chat with my manager. I made a point not to cuss at him and he threatened me. Not only should I not get in any trouble, I think I should get a medal for not throwing him through the fucking wall.
March 5, 2002
Ok, I wanted to do a journal entry but I don't really have anything on my mind. The closest thing to a problem I have that I can think of is this chick that I met last monday. It's not really a big deal, though. On the shuttle at work I noticed this girl that was pretty cute. Then when I got off the bus she made eye contact with me. So I figured what the hell. As we were walking across the ramp I walked up next to here and said, "Excuse me, are you seeing anyone?" I've always been a pretty straight forward kind of person. And from there it went on and I got her number. A couple of days later we had breakfast and she paid. So I'm thinking Right the fuck on. But over the course of breakfast she basically tells me that she's so much of a hardcore x-tian that she won't date anyone that isn't. Well aside from that she's great so that's my conundrum. She also says that it's cool to hang out and be friends. I'm not sure right now whether I want to try to change her mind or just deal. Like I said, not that big a deal.
November 27, 2001
I've been violently ill for about 3 weeks now. It's been complete hell. I've missed a ton of work so I'm broke. Then there's the illness. One good thing came from my horrid alcoholism. I'm very good at throwing up. That talent has come in handy lately.
So the US is going to go into Iraq too. And Sudan and Somolia and Colombia. All to erradicate terrorism. But they're not going to go into Northern Ireland. There's just as much terrorism going on there than anywhere else. But we're not going to crack down on them. Anyone know why? I do. In Ireland they're white.
November 4, 2001
Ok, you know how when you're out at a club and there are always guys who dance up behind girls and start dancing with them, completely without knowledge or consent of that girl. You know how that makes a girl feel when they find out? No. No you don't. I'm the only guy on the planet that knows how that feels. Because last night I had two guys do that to me. Now I'm a pretty tolerant, unprejudiced person. But that's fucking wrong. And another thing, what the hell is it that makes me so attractive to guys and unattractive to girls. I swear if I was gay I would get laid every night. It's getting past the point of irritation and frustration. The next guy who randomly comes up and hits on me may get his ass kicked. There was one girl who walked past and felt me up. But later I saw her making out with one guy and then grinding on another and then dancing on the bar with her ass in some other guy's face. So that's not quite redeeming.
Now I didn't want to offend anyone with this but it's starting to piss me off.
October 31, 2001
The difference between humans and animals isn't the abilitly to reason or the opposable thumb or self awarness. The difference between humans and animals is that animals kill out of neccesity and humans kill for fun or petty differences.
Found out that anthrax has hit my neighborhood. Not just my neighborhood, my street. Not just my street, my next door neighbor whose house I'm always at. They found some anthrax here in Indianapolis. At the post office's Critical Parts Center. The post office's Critical Parts Center ships exclusively through Fedex, which is where I work. Looking at it logically I was never worried before. The odds of anthrax coming through Fedex were pretty slim. But it would be impossible for that package to have not come through the building that I work in every night. So someone that works there has been exposed to anthrax. There is no question to that. Whether or not they actually contract the disease, who knows? But there is the knowledge, now, that I, and everyone else who works there, am in danger.
So my mind was a little heavy tonight. I am not afraid to die. Being suicidal at one point in your life pretty much takes care of that. But I would not feel very good about my life if I did die now. I've pretty much wasted everything up to this point. Wasted time, wasted opportunities, wasted my talents. This was a little crushing to realize. Hopefully this will be the kick in the ass that I need to get moving. But we'll see.
October 30, 2001
My cat died friday. And I can't get any sympathy because I always said I hate cats. But Morris was more than a cat. He was a cat who thought he was a dog. I didn't realize I cared until going to work last night, I held the door open for a split second to let him inside. He usually runs in when I leave so I was just holding it open for him. Completely unconsciously. But when I looked down, he didn't run in. It made me kind of sad.
Went to a costume party friday night. I had a lot of fun. Ran around with Henry most of the day and that was great. It had been a long time since I'd seen Henry. I got a little too intoxicated. Someone let me drink rum. Now when I say someone let me, I only say that because it is entirely not my fault. I pass the blame. I love rum. But it always makes me sick. Then after the party crashed it was just me and KT. And I'm not entirely sure what I said to her but I'm sure it caused problems. I tend to be a little open when I'm drunk. And not to good at speaking my point clearly.
Went to a hockey game saturday. It fucking ruled. We heckled the goalie. CENTAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAMO!!!!!! Got a corn dog and a chili cheese dog and some pepsis. But forgot to get a pretzel. Was a little disappointed.
Then I got to play some hockey on sunday. There were a bunch of kids from KT's apartment complex hanging around and we got them to play around too. I love corrupting the minds of youths. And to top it all off, I found out that I can fit all our gear in the trunk of my car. A goal, 2 sets of shoulders pads, knee and elbow pads, 2 pairs of skates, several balls and pucks, and 5 sticks. I love that car.
So all in all, it was a pretty bittersweet weekend.
October 26, 2001
Thinking about the friends I have, KT and Moose/Eric(If you want me to stop calling you Moose, I can try but I promise nothing). And I'm thinking we're all going through an important period here. It seems as though all three of us are struggling to get to our feet after having been hit by a car. Maybe dragged for several miles in some cases. And I know that each of us wants to help the other two. But we're all still trying to get up ourselves.
KT's helping me. She's doing the best she can to do so anyway. KT I know life's beating you up pretty good right now. And I know I'm part of it. And I'm not going to tell you to cheer up or just forget about it. But keep your head up. You say that if I get my way I'll never see you again. Do you really think that after all we've been through that I could abandon you? Even for some stupid girl? I've got too much money invested in you to quit now. You've got to pay off first.
And Moose/Eric. It seems he's doing great on his own/with the groups. "Anyone that has lost 80 pounds in a year, gotten arrested for DUI and not let it destroy them and in fact found positives in the arrest, gotten their life together and brought their relationships with family and friends back in line has got to have some really awesome personal qualities." Uh... can't fucking argue with that.
And me? I may have regressed. Not to the old Daive that everyone fears. But to a Daive earlier than that, the Daive that turned me into the Daive that everyone fears. The naive one. It seems that I'm basing all my happiness on some stupid girl. And that's just dumb. I'm letting her affect my life way too much. And even though I know this, which I didn't years ago, I am useless to stop it. Everything logical that I am thinking dissappears when she's around. And all I can think of is how great she is.
October 24, 2001
I've been telling myself that I don't want KT to see the way this girl is affecting me because of how she may react. But thinking more about it, I may not want KT to see the way this girl is affecting me because... well... I may be a little embarassed and ashamed. This isn't really like me to get all worked up over someone I don't even know that well. But this is the first girl I've been interested in since KT. And I don't think anyone quite realizes what that means. To me anyway. To me it means that this has to be someone really special. Someone that could really impact my life. I've told myself a hundred times to let it go. But when I think about the fact that we're probably never going to be together, something deep inside screams at me "DON'T LET THAT HAPPEN!" So the cycle continues. I start thinking that there's a good chance. Then something happens to destroy those hopes. And I tell myself to let it go. Then that scream. It's driving me insane. And the people around us don't help either. Every day someone new comes up to me and says something. "So are you and her an item yet?" "Have you and her set a date yet?" "Geez Daive, I think she really likes you." Oh my god, shut the fuck up! You're driving me fucking crazy! So it's not just me that thinks I have a good chance. People that don't even really know us think we're already dating. I just need to know if I'm impacting her at all. If she's even thinking about me when I'm not around. I think I'll ask her tonight.
October 23, 2001
God everything sucks. My love life is proper fucked, my social life is "slower than molasses on a winter's day", my professional life... what's that? Everything fucking sucks. I think I'm manic-depressive. My lows aren't near the lows that a manic depressive has, though. I'm just fucking bummed. I can't get anything to work out the way I want it to. It's getting to the point where really little shit is starting to wear on me. My fantasy hockey team blows. And the kicker tonight, Anthrax is changing their name. This just about sent me off the deep end. And I don't know why that should affect me. But for some fucked up reason, that makes me sad. I'm frustrated, I'm heart broken, I'm sad, I'm pissed, and I can't seem to figure anything out. I can feel self-doubt sinking in. Something I haven't had in years. And the only thing I can think of to say is, "This fucking sucks." Real imaginative.
October 19, 2001
I am such an asshole.
October 18, 2001
So KT and I got into what can only be called a fight last night. And I told her that she's the most selfish person I've ever met. That's a bit of an overstatement. I've met plenty of people more selfish than she is. But I would never be around them. So I guess a better way to put that is she's the most selfish person that I could ever be around. She said I only think that because I don't understand her. Well apparently not. Let me look at some of the facts as I see them. Let me stress, as I see them. 1) She would rather see me miserable than with someone else. Now I see this as a pretty big example. But I guess that's not selfish at all. 2) Statements like "You're not paying attention to me". Ok what the fuck is that all about? I know that if she had it her way I'd be locked up somewhere to be at her disposal and that there would never be anyone else around. But jesus fucking christ, sometimes there's other shit going on. And if I'm doing something I tend to concentrate on it. And that includes watching a baseball game. Especially during the playoffs. 3) Statements like "I don't understand why you're doing something for him but not me." Because sweetheart, you're not the only person in my life. I know that if you had it your way I wouldn't know anyone but you. But for fuck's sake, that's just ridiculous.
This has been building up all night for me. She had the balls to call me selfish. For the longest fucking time I sacrificed my happiness for hers. I put her feelings ahead of mine for-fucking-ever. Granted it wasn't the right thing to do. But at the time I thought it was. I didn't want to see her hurt so I put my feelings aside. Of course, it only made things worse in the end.
So in closing, yes KT I do think you're being really selfish. And I can't think of anyone I've been more selfless with than you. So fuck you for saying that. Feel free to jump my shit but this is supposed to be my place to express myself and rant. Just don't call me until after four.
October 13, 2001
Not doing very much to keep my title of world's most cynical person. Been acting pretty naive lately. But I pretty much knew that this was how I was going to act. "It's hard when you don't know yourself. But it's harder when you do." I have a pretty good grasp on who I am. I know most of the reasons why I do what I do. But it doesn't mean I can do anything about it. I can just stand there and know better. But do it anyway.
October 6, 2001
Ok I think there are some people miscontruing(sp?) things written in the journal. First of all, I'm just typing whatever comes to mind at the time. Nothing is well thought out and if I'm trying to make any points they're not well stated. I suppose that ought to be the diclaimer for the journal. If someone takes something personally it's best to find out exactly what I mean before sending me an e-mail 3 pages long berating me. That being said, I'm positive now that all women ARE masochistic. And frustrating. And infuriating. And when I tell someone that I'm straight forward that means I want them to be straight forward with me. Jesus, women are messed up. If it weren't for that whole sex with guys thing, I'd be gay.
And again noone needs to take this personally.
October 3, 2001
Strange, my last journal entry didn't save. Oh well, it was just some rantings about the state of the union. So I'm downloading some OzzY songs and listening to Biz Markie "Just a Friend". That reminds me, are all girls masochistic? Or is it just the vast majority of them? I really need a female that I can talk to about these kinds of things. Because I must be absolutely clueless about women. I mean, I knew that I would never understand women. But I thought I had a pretty decent grasp on them. Especially on an individual basis. When I was really young you had to be physically attractive to get a date. So I got physically attractive. Then when I got older you had to be emotionally attractive to get a date. So I got emotionally attractive, to an extent. But now I have no idea what the hell you have to do to get a girl to go out with you. Shit, I'm good looking, I drive a fly car, I don't play games, I may be one of the most straight forward people on the planet. What the hell am I missing? As far as I'm concerned I'm everything a woman could possibly want. Sure I could be a little more modest but I'm just being honest. I don't mean to brag, I don't mean to boast. But I like hot butter on my breakfast toast.
February 11, 2001
So here it is, the 21st century. The year two thousand and one. And what's on Dig's mind? By they way, that's who I am in the 21st century. I am Dig Reed. My stage name, so to speak. Since I wrote those sentences, what's on my mind is I hate punctuation. But before that, it was "Why does this shit only come out when I'm drunk, and why do I only write it here?"
So I'm over at Henry's, a friend of mine. And we're having a good time. Watching kung fu movies and supposed to be writing the script for the movie we're shooting later this year. Just having a great fucking time. And on the way home, Doug has this cool contraption on his car, calculates the miles between two places. It's digital so a drunk can understand it. It's 20.2 miles from Henry's to mine. That's the long way. Ok why don't I go over there every weekend? Why don't I give Dave a buzz? He only lives 15 minutes away. Shit I see Moose WAY more than I see those three, Doug included. And that's very seldom. He's a fucking e-mail away! God damn he comes over here. I don't ever go over there. So why is it I don't ever hang out with these guys?
Well the answer is pretty simple. And unfortunately pretty harsh. KT. That's it. Nothing more. I'm with her every day. Not that it's torture. I mean don't get me wrong, I wouldn't be there if I really didn't want to be. But I'm with her EVERY DAY. That leaves little time to be with other people. And of course, why am I there all the time? Because I still care about her. But you know what? I'm ready to move on with my life. And she's not. And unless she does, I can't. I told her when we first broke up that I'm not ready to date anyone. And she thinks that still applies. But I'm ready to date other people now. And she's going to read this at work. And she's going to get upset. And start crying. So I'm going to have to show this to her before she goes to work. That's going to suck. Because I hate it when she cries. It makes me want to do whatever it takes to get her to stop. So Dig has to be strong. Not break down. That is going to be hard.
I just started thinking this is very stream of consciousness. Wow, did I spell that wrong. It all started about how much of a horrible friend I was. Never hanging out with the people I desperately want to be my friends. I've always considered a friend someone whom I would take a bullet for. I would for Henry because he is just a really great person. I would for Moose because he is so down on himself all the time, and I want him to know the kind of contentment I've come to realize lately. But Doug and Dave, I really like them but I'm not going to die for them. Even though I want to feel that way. I want to consider them some of the best friends I've ever had. And there's others. Some of the guys I work with. Tod"d" is such a boy scout. He doesn't do anything wrong. Sometimes I catch myself wanting to be like that. Jan is young and headstrong and sometimes annoying and stupid but underneath that I see great passion. Very intense
and he feels like I used to. Eric, or I sometimes call him Rico, is just all over the place. He's so energetic and funny. Sometimes I see myself trying to woo like he does.
These are the people I want to be around. And of course I want to be around KT too. In fact, I don't even really know what this is all about. It's all really just rambling but it's how I feel. And I'm trying to let all of that out. Always trying to express my feelings. Maybe I'll get the balls to link the lost journal entires to this page. There are a couple that I wrote and never linked. And to tell the truth I'll probably take the link for this one off later.
Fuck, Basically I hope KT doesn't think this journal entry is the end of her life. Because I've seen the other times that she thought her life was coming to an end and it's really just another chapter in her life.
November 10,2000
Just when you think everything is under control, you realize that nothing is ever in control. Sometimes I think that I should take KT back. But I always remind myself that we've been down that road before. We already know what happens. She told me to read her journal. So I did. And I read all of the older stuff that I never read. Found out a lot of stuff that would've been useful at the time. The whole thing is just really confusing and I'm glad it's all over. Well the worst part anyway. The part that involves other people. Now it's just me and her. And we won't be back to normal for quite some time. It's going to be especially difficult when one of us starts dating again. That's going to suck. Terribly.
Aside from that, I have a friend who's going through some major shit. We came to a turning point in our friendship a couple of weeks ago. Since then, I thought, we've been getting closer and becoming better friends. It seems, though, that he feels there's still some animosity between us. That maybe I don't like him as much as I used to. Of course, it's not true. You can't exactly do what we did and not come out of it stronger. That's just my opinion, I could be wrong.
Then there's the whole presidential race. Doesn't impact my life? Wrong. Generally, I wouldn't really care who the president is. He has no real power. But the one thing he can do is nominate supreme court justices. And in the next 4 years we'll see 3 or 4 justices retire. That's pretty huge. Over here we have Bush -- big on death penalty, wants to restrict abortion rights, doesn't like gun control, maybe for censorship(don't really know for sure), wants a smaller government -- and he'll nominate justices who feel the same. Then you have Gore -- doesn't like death penalty, thinks any reason is a good reason for abortion, wants gun control, definitely for censorship(do your homework, his wife is Tipper Gore), wants to expand government programs(which will mean more taxes, which means more government intrusion into our lives) -- and he'll nominate people who feel the same. And in the end, I really don't like Gore. If he really felt that passionately he would've opened his mouth when he kissed her. I don't particularly care for either of them. I didn't vote for either of them. But with the recent goings-on I dis-like Gore more and more. First of all, let's look at this strategically. If I was Gore, I would concede. That way in 4 years it would be a landslide victory. He'd look like the bigger man. But he's not going to. And if he loses Florida he's going to sue. I'm sure of it. It'll be the first time, that I know of, that a president was in office for more than he's been elected. Clinton will be president until freakin May. Personally, I'd like to see him stay in office. No he's not a great president. But he's not a bad one either. He's just there. If it weren't for Kenn Starr he would've been as forgetable as William Henry Harrison. And Bush doesn't really care. He doesn't really want to be president. He wants to be commisioner of baseball. He just ran because it would look good on his resume. "Half the fucking country voted for me!" But if I've got to pick one of these guys. I hope and pray that it's not Gore.
JOHN MCCAIN WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!?!
November 3,2000
Today I have some unsolicited advice for all of you. I try not to give unsolicited advice(although I'm sure I do) but I think this deserves some attention.
This first part is for the guys. Watch out for the vultures. You may not get me right away but you will. Every guy that's had a girlfriend has had a vulture. That guy who's just waiting around to pick at the carcass of your relationship, often before the body is cold. You know who he is. You know he is a vulture. But you don't do anything about it? No. Why? Because if you do you risk losing your girlfriend. It's always her friend. If he met her through you he wouldn't be circling. Well, I'm now saying Do Something About It. Not all vultures are as docile as mine. Not all of them wait until the relationship is over. Some of them are also saboteurs. Plant seeds of uncertainty. Tell her that you aren't good for her. Shit like that. Don't let this shit go on anymore. I'm not saying tell her to choose. That's just stupid. Go to the source. Most vultures are cowards. Tell him, or maybe even her, that you know what's going on and you're not going to stand for it. In most cases, they'll back off.
Now this is for the girls. If your boyfriend doesn't trust one of your guy friends, listen to him. He may know what he's talking about. That particular friend may be a vulture. Just pay close attention to his actions. Especially if he gives any advice trying to coax you into breaking up with your boyfriend. Don't do anything rash because this guy is telling you to. Do what you think is right. Your boyfriend may actually be a piece of shit.
This is a two part entry. I hate fucking liars. You know who you are and I know you read this. Of course, this is the reason for my statements above. My vulture. What the hell was he thinking? First of all, he needs to re-read his KT/Daive history. Second of all, he needs to realize who he's trying to lie to. Do you really think that she's stupid? Is there anyone who knows more about me than she does? I don't think that he really thought that shit out very well.
I should be really pissed. I was really pissed for a little while. I was ready to fly into a violent rage. But then I thought about it for a little bit. He pretty much brought an end to the whole fucked up situation. He took himself completely out of the situation. Now I have my best friend back. Maybe I should thank him for showing everyone involved how much of a fucking psycho he really is. The situation is fairly well resolved. That really depends on him no longer harassing her friends, though.
Of course, some guy out there is going to see me as a vulture. But when he confonts me, I'll set him straight. And on the other hand, if he does treat KT badly, I'll have to administer a severe beating.
November 1, 2000
Well this has been a shitty week. Today is only Tuesday but I'm talking about the last seven days. They've pretty much been hell. I've pretty much turned into this suspicious, paranoid mother fucker. I hate that. Always wondering whose doing what behind my back, whose lying to me about what. So I decided that I was going to have to cut some people loose. Did I want to? No, not at all. But I've got to get my life going and I don't need this bullshit holding me back. I've got much more important things to be doing than thinking about this shit.
So it comes time to do the deed. And I choke. When you like someone it's hard to just get rid of them. And when you need someone it's nye impossible.
I've been learning a lot of things lately. As I said in my last entry, people can't help but fuck you over and lie to you. But also I've been learning an even harder lesson. How to express myself. I've never been good at that. And over the years I've made it a point to not let other people know how I feel. To never let myself be vunerable like that. But right now I'm learning that it does help to let it out. Everyone says that, but it's something that you really have to learn for yourself. I just learned very recently that if I'm hurt, to let myself be hurt. And I am hurt. More than anything else. I'm not really mad, not vengeful, not filled with rage. I'm hurt. And kind of sad. Like all of the world's great cynics, my immense cynicism comes from immense idealism.
I had these great hopes and dreams for how the world was and how people acted. This probably came from the fact that growing up I was around decent people. I was shown affection from my family and all the people around me. Eveyone was really good to me. So I guess I figured that was how all people are. Then the brutallity of everything came crashing into me. I had to get fucked over several times before I stopped handing my absolute trust over to just anybody. So of course, I stopped trusting everybody.
A friend of mine told me that if you play the blind man for too long, eventually you're going to fall into a hole. I didn't really know what that meant at the time. And probably wouldn't have believed him if I did. But that's what I've been doing lately. Just acting like I don't know what people are doing when I actually do. Waiting to see what other people are going to do. Basically looking back I was lurking. Brooding. Of course, this is part of what turned me into a paranoid fucker. I fell into my hole.
But I told a friend a couple of weeks ago, to cut the bullshit. And that's what I'm trying to do. Not that I ever went out of my way to bullshit people but everybody hands you a little. That's never going to change. Now I've always tried to be as real as possilbe. I've never tried to be anyone that I'm not. But now more than ever, I'm just going to be Daive. And feel what Daive feels. And hurt when Daive hurts.
And anyone who has a problem with that, can go fuck themselves.
October 11, 2000
Here it is. The first official journal entry of the year 2000. And it came so early too.
Well let me think back on the last year. I'd say it's been a pretty shitty year. In January KT got a blood clot in her leg. It's always nice to have something potentially life-threatening around. Then in August when it's clearing up she breaks her leg in 3 places. So last Monday we broke up. And of course break ups are uncomplicated, so everything is going smoothly. Especially since we're trying to stay friends. That just makes everything so much easier.
You know what? Fuck it! I put this journal part on here so I could rant and I'm not going to hold back. We go camping the other weekend with a friend. We're all drinking and having a good time, so KT decides it's a good idea to make out with our friend. It's dark so I couldn't tell for sure what was going on so I made some smart ass comment, like stop giving my girlfriend a hickey. Nothing comes out of it... right away. We get back Sunday and go see a movie, with the friend. After the movie, KT sits down all serious-like and says we shouldn't be boyfriend and girlfriend anymore. And really the relationship was in kinda bad shape anyway. But I had to pry out the reason why she decided to say it now. Of course it's the kiss. So now we're all in the process of getting everything straightened out. KT says she's not every going to hang out with him again. Because doing so would be like saying what she did was ok and it wasn't. So I'm going with the flow. A couple of days later she asks me if it's ok if she still hung out with him. Ok what the fuck?! I really, truly don't have a problem with that. It's the fact that she changes her mind and won't really tell me why. That bugs the shit out of me. Forgive me if my trust in people is lacking these days. I mean, I don't trust anyone. Not completely anyway. I can trust people not to kill me for no reason. Not to steal my wallet. Shit like that. But I pretty much expect people to fuck me one way or another. It just happens. It's not even like these are bad people we're talking about. These are decent people. They've done far less heinous shit than I have. People can't help but to fuck each other over. That's what I've learned. But for some reason I trusted KT. I mean fully trusted her. I guess I figured she's so retarded in love with me that there's no way in hell she's going to do something like that. Wrong. So what happens when someone who generally doesn't trust people gets fucked by the one person he did trust?
ADDENDUM:
To avoid a semantic argument it was brought up that one kiss does not constitute making out. I don't want to get into a semantic argument over it I just want the protein.
May 28, 2000
Have you ever been on videotape? How about gone back and looked at it years later? Seen that your smile covered your entire face? Seen that when you looked happy you meant it? I haven't meant it in so long that i can't remember.
It's been almost a year since I've wrote in my on-line journal. Maybe there's a lot to write, maybe there's not. The only time i can reveal my true feelings is when I'm drunk off my ass. I'm sure that's healthy. I've been too busy trying to protect someone else's feelings and emotions to concern myself with mine. Have you ever looked into the face of someone when their entire world ends? I've never heard that little voice inside my head. The only thing that's ever told me right from wrong is myself. I think it would be much easier to murder someone than to destroy their happiness. God, have you ever seen that look? That look of excrutiating horror and pain? It's painful to watch. I can only imagine what it's like to feel. I couldn't follow through. I couldn't get the job done. There comes a point when you have to suck it up and just fucking do it. I've come to this point. Now I'm having trouble doing it. I've never even thought twice having to kill someone. I still don't think it would bother me. I'd do it if it weren't for the damn law. But to watch someone's happiness die is heart-breaking. To be the cause of it... I don't know if I can deal with that. So what do I do?
I've tried asking for fatherly advice. I didn't even get through the problem before the subject was changed. I don't care how cold of a person you think you are, until you have to stare in the face of someone who is losing everything they live for, you have no idea of the pain someone can feel. So what do I do??????? Do I just keep going on? Acting like everything is ok? Or do I put my happiness before someone else's? That's never been a problem before. It's always been me. Fuck everyone else! But for some reason not now. When it comes to this person it's her before me. It has been for a long time. I thought it was love. Maybe it is. But being with her doesn't make me happy. I sincerely don't want her to feel any pain in her life, but I'm going to be the biggest source. What the fuck! How do you deal with something like this? I'm on the verge of tears now. Of course the music I'm listening to doesn't help.
I've been called a range of things from prophet to anti-christ(seriously I've been called both) but the one thing that holds constant is that people think I'm a heartless dick. I always have thought that too, but this is tearing me apart. I tried to break up with her over a year ago. What went through her face then was 1/1,000,000 of what went across her face the other night. I can't even recognize myself anymore. I spent so long fucking women over to get back at one that I did become a heartless bastard. For a long time. The I met one woman that actually gained my respect. Of course, she's in Germany now so I knew before hand that I could never be with her. If not for her I'd still be fucking women over and KT would hate men even more. But now how is she going to feel? I really don't want to ruin anyone's life. And she thinks her life is going to be over without me. Why can't she see that she's going to move on after me? Find someone better than me.
I just read everything I wrote. It's pretty incoherent but that's alright. I'll probably just erase it all and never post it. I guess the whole point of this is that I need to put myself over her. I need to just break up with her and move on. But it's difficult and I don't know if I can do it. Of course if she reads this that'll probably be the end. I guess I'd better go link it so I don't sober up and erase it.
June 28, 1999
Been quite a while since I did anything one here. I lead a pretty boring life. I started working days and nights so I don't have a lot of free time. When I do I normally play hockey or watch a movie with Katie. Or listen to Katie yell at me for something I did. I lead such an uninteresting life that I have nothing else to tell you.
Not that anyone is reading this. I can't wait for the world to end New Year's Eve.
April 8,1999
Haven't been thinking of much lately. Probably the reason I didn't write anything last week. The main thing in my life right now is my pathetic excuse for a job and the resurection of my first band. After about 2 years of pretty much not seeing these guys we get back together and decide we want to make some music together. Kick ass! Finally some guys I know I can work with. We all have ideas of what we want the band to sound like. Our ideas are pretty similar. We want to be original foremost. We want to sound fucking harsh. I want to work on my vocals. You always sound different to yourself than you do in real life. I always thought I sounded like John Bush but I realized that I sound more like Scott Ian. When I sang "Startin Up a Posse" and "Bring the Noise" the other day I had to come to terms with this. It's not the end of the world. I can sing, like really sing instead of scream/sing, and we could do like a Vision of Disorder thing. Who knows? Where did this blood come from?
Anyway I need some money for the gear I require. That's not likely to happen. I don't suppose it will happen but if a millionaire reads this why don't you just give me a cool mill? I like lemonade. This is becoming just random thoughts now. That doesn't bother me, though. I could do this for hours. But then you'd probably lose interest in my page completely and never come back. And for some reason, I guess some people actually come back to my page. I hit 1000 today. That made me feel pretty cool. Well I think I'm done wasting your time for now.
March 25, 1999
A friend of mine is into piercings. I can dig that. I like them too. He's a lot more into them than I am though. All of mine have some sort of utilitarian value. In fact, I only have my tongue pierced. Today he told me that he is going to have 30 little hooks dug into his skin and be hoisted into the air. My response was simple, "Why?" He told me it was spiritual. "Anything I can do to prove that I am more than my body."
Well this is my page, not his, so here is my view on spirituality. Until I see something that proves to me that I'm more than just a random pattern of amino acids, I am not more than my body. This fucker is all I have for right now. My personality isn't anything more complex than a certain amount of this chemical combined with a certain amount of another. Humans have this strange misconception that they are special for some reason. Hah! We're no better than any other animal out there. Hell, we can even be domesticated. Just look at my dad. We're probably the most viscious of all the animals. But for some reason someone decided that we have a soul. That there is an after life. Let me tell you something, pal. Your soul is nothing more than synapses firing in sequence. So get the hell out of here with all this spirituality bullshit. Don't tell me how you are more than just your body. Because I don't like having my time wasted. But I hope you don't mind because you just wasted too much reading my bullshit.
March 18, 1999
My first entry into my journal. I guess what is foremost on my mind is old friends. I got an e-mail tonight from a guy I haven't heard from in over 2 years. We left on good terms I think. Not to sure really. I was home on some kind of break from school or just a weekend. I decided to throw a party. My parents were gone for some reason and I had some people over. WE were all drunk as shit and being stupid. This friend, Moose, and another guy, Brian(whom nobody likes), were keeping away from everyone else but I didn't really notice. I did notice, however, that everyone was being especially rude to Brian, myself included. Then I go to look for Moose and they are nowhere to be found. Moose then becomes impossible to contact so I wasn't sure whether or not he was pissed.
Two years later I get this e-mail from him. We used to be in a band together, a couple actually. That's what most of the e-mail is about. Musical direction. It seems that we, once again, have similar direction in our music. Kick ass! Let's get together I say.
I'm looking forward to seeing my old friend. Regardless what the terms of our parting was. I always had a good time when Moose was around. Everyone always did. That's just the type of guy he is.
Hate me yet?