This Acap Ring site owned by Andrea GM [ Skip Previous | Previous | Next | Skip Next | Next 5 | Random | List ]

My Personal Story Continued

I built my own personal fortress around me, and it became my prison! As no one could get in and before long I was trapped within! At some point during my use of drugs, and by the age of 14 I had done every drug known to mankind, it no longer was fun! At first there was a real thrill about getting loaded and doing dope! When I wanted to stop but couldn't, thats when things got really insane. I was in and out of institutions for most of my teenage years. I went back to California to meet my dad when I was fourteen years old. By the time I was 16 I went back to NYC. All of my family in California used and drank as well. So I didn't have to run away to get high there. I was a very rebellious, confused, and angry teenager. I still would not let anyone in. I dropped out of HS by the age of 16 and in 10th grade. When I got back to NYC I hit the streets hard and heavy. I never stayed in one place too long, and when ever I got to tired or worn out my grandmother was always there for me! Until I got a rude awakening when I turned 18 years old! She had had enough and washed her hands of me! Can't say I blame her, but at that time it was just cause to build up more anger, rage and resentment. I would show her! Damn was I one sick puppy! I got married at the age of 21 years old, 18 months later had our daughter. I stoped using while I was pregnent but started back not too long after my daughter was born. It just got more insane and my husband and I were always at one anothers throats. Finally I left and went back to California in 1980. My daughter was 8 months old at the time! I resented her as she became more of a responsiblity and got in the way of my drugs, booze, and men! I was becoming more and more like my mother everyday! It frightened the shit out of me. I realized I had no clue about being a mother. My daughter was 4 years old when I got pregnent with her brother. My son's father was very active in his life and he was great with my daughter but in the back of my mind I feared that one day, someone would make a move on her sexually! By the time she was 5 years old, I could take no more! I was really insane and totally out of control. I gave my daughter and my son the only gift I knew to give! I gave them another chance. I gave my daughter up for adoption when she was 5. My son's father took him over and together with his wife my son was well cared for. By 1986 I started using crack cocaine! This is the worst drug ever to hit the streets! I managed pretty well on heroin, but on crack, I totally lost it! I wouldn't eat, sleep, bath or pay the bills. I started to look like death warmed over! In 1987 I found the walls of Alcoholics Anonymous, and then Narcotics Anonymous. However I relapsed twice between 1988 & 1989! July of 1989 was the last time I ever did any heroin, crack or any other illegal drug. However my drinking got worse as I couldn't admit to being an alcoholic! Sure, a junkie fine! A dope fiened, fine! But a drunk! No way! Finally it sank in, I surrendered, and gave up the booze as well. Today I don't have a problem with drugs or alcohol, however I do have a living problem! I am still learning H.O.W. to live life on life's terms. By the Grace, Mercy, and compassion of God Almighty I am still alive. However I battle a fairly new disease. Hepatitis C. I will soon start treatments for that! What ever the out come may be, I am clean and sober One day at a time ...

HOME BACK NEXT EMAIL

Sinse I became clean & sober I have had a truly beautiful spiritual awakening! I am living some of the promises stated in the Big Book! I don't crave drugs or alcohol any longer, I can hanle things that used to baffle me and drive me totally insane. I can face life with a much deeper peace and acceptance of who and what I am! Yes I still have major problems. Lots of times things still get really crazy! However I can cope. I get very depressed at times, but my worst day clean & sober is better than my best day getting high!

Thanks for allowing me to do another 4th step! {{{{{{{{{{{{HUGS}}}}}}}}}}}}