Part 18
Philip exited the small bathroom off to the side of his office and paused in the doorway, rubbing his eyes slightly. He’d just given himself his nightly medication of Atrovent to aid with his breathing. After a few short moments he pushed up from where he was slouched against the doorframe and made his way carefully to the other side of his desk. Sitting down he reached over, tugged a drawer open then pulled out a mid-sized box to lay on the desk. Rubbing his thumb into his eye he tried to focus his tired vision on the task before him but before he could do anything there was a brusque knock on the door. Returning the box to his drawer he called for the visitor to enter.
Todd’s face popped around the door. He smiled at his friend, who looked so small in his high-backed chair, and then he crossed the room.
"Hello, handsome!" He said as he hooked his leg over the corner of Philip's desk and leaned down onto his thigh.
"Todd, what can I do for you?" Phil sat back, lacing his fingers together and resting them across his stomach.
Todd’s eyes absently scanned the contents on the desk as he said, "Dinner?"
"Pardon?" Philip asked.
Shifting his eyes to meet the younger man’s perplexed gaze Todd gave a bright smile - revealing his straight, white teeth - as he fluttered his lashes.
"Sylvia and I, and a few of the casual staff, are going off for dinner.” Quirking his top lip in a silent snarl, he clearly indicated his disregard for his current dinner companions. “I’m desperate for you to join us!”
"Ah, no.” Philip sat forward, laying his hands on the desk now and drumming them lightly on the surface. “I'm going *home*." The small, excited smile on his face made Todd's expression darken suddenly.
"Home? As in...?"
"To Jack’s," Philip said, and then bit his bottom lip lightly as his smile broadened.
Scratching the back of his neck, Todd nodded solemnly then looked down. "So you… ah.. you two worked things out - again?"
Tightening his lips into a bud, Philip rolled his head to the side as he screwed up his nose. "But I'm hoping to do that tonight.” He watched as Todd’s mouth opened slightly in a silent ‘ah’ as he nodded. Rolling his eyes quickly Philip added, “He's not well still so I guess I'll be doing all of the talking."
"Seems to me, one of you should do the talking," his friend muttered under his breath. Philip frowned.
"What's that mean?"
Jerking his head up quickly, Todd looked at him. "Nothing. I'm glad you're working it out. When you called me the other night I thought the world had caved in.." he said dramatically, throwing his arms wide.
Philip pulled a face as he focused on his hands before him. "For me, it had - almost," he said, looking up to meet the dark gaze.
Todd held the pained stare a moment, shrugged then dipped his head to watch himself as he dug his thumbnail into the leather compendium on Phil’s desk. "Guess so. Well, least you had good old Todd to run to your rescue," he said quietly, trying to smile but failing miserably.
Philip reached out and touched his hand, silencing the movement. Todd kept his eyes on the crescent shaped indent in the black leather.
"Thanks,” Philip said in a soft, raspy voice as his thumb brushed across the other man’s hand lightly. “For being there for me when I really needed you! I was a pretty huge mess that night. I really appreciated you coming over and staying with me like that, too."
The other man gave a snort of a laugh as tugged his hand away from the caress gently. At the same time he changed his position so that he was now perched on the edge of the desk, his legs straight out beside the feet of Phil’s chair. He sighed heavily as he crossed his arms over his chest and said, "believe me, it was nice to be needed."
A small smile of uncertainty fluttered over Philip’s lips. Sitting back he asked, "Okay, so now what's that meant to mean?"
Shaking his head Todd threw his hands in the air, as if waving away his own melodramatic feelings, then stood up. In a tone that made Philip even more uncertain he said, "Nothing, Philip. It means nothing! Believe me!"
The younger man frowned as he watched his friend walk away from him and cross the room.
"Oh, by the way," Todd said as he reached the door. Only partially turning to look back at the desk he said, "When you were out, or wherever the hell it was you were today, Travers phoned."
Philip lifted his chin slightly and stared at the back of his friend, who was reaching for the doorknob. "And you said?"
Todd’s head bowed and in a disenchanted tone he said, "I told him you were in a meeting with a few of the casuals."
A grateful smile broke across the thin face. "Thanks, Todd."
"You know-" The older man partly opened the door then turned to look at him as he said, "I don't like having to keep lying for you."
Philip held his gaze as he nodded briskly. "Well, I appreciate your help in this matter."
Todd shook his head as he lamented, "It's not just this matter though, Phil. I'm having to field off rumors left and right about you at the moment."
The librarian tilted his head questioningly. "Rumors?"
Rolling his eyes, Todd shut the door again and stepped over to him. "I think they’re getting suspicious.”
“They?”
“The casuals. Even Sylvia seems to be.. I’m not sure,” he muttered quickly.
“Ah-” Philip said as he nodded.
“I'm just worried that if they say anything to Travers - well, he's such a tight-assed homophobe, as you know … You'll be out on that sweet butt of yours before any of us know what's happened!"
Philip tilted his face more. Taking a moment, he said, "Well, I guess it's just as well I'm not coming to dinner tonight then, isn't it?" He crossed his arms over his chest and, trying to hide his hurt, he retorted, "You can all talk about me to your.."
"Oh, I don't talk about you, baby! You have to believe that!" Todd retaliated, his voice low and sincere. Growing tart once more, he said, "And I stop the little bitches when they start up! But now I think they’re gossiping about the two of us!" He paused and stared directly at Philip but when the artist made no comment he shrugged nonchalantly before going on, "If you ask me, Sylvia's very suspicious of your health. She's terrified of AIDS, apparently! She's told me that at least a few *dozen* times now, in ‘casual’ conversation..." He held his hands up and made quotation marks in the air while pulling a face.
"She confesses her fear of AIDS to a gay man?" Phil asked, not sure which of them were playing the mind games; Todd or Sylvia.
Todd screwed up one side of his face, making a dimple appear on his cheek. "Go figure!"
Philip frowned. "Where did you get 'go figure' from?"
The older man thought about that a moment. "You, I suppose. You do say it a lot."
"I do?" Philip frowned more.
"Look," Todd said, coming over to him again, his voice low and his tone jaded. "I've got to get out of here. This place is driving nuts. You sure you don’t want to come..?”
Philip gave a small smile as he shook his head.
“Ah-” Todd remembered with a nod. “That’s right. You’d rather go home to your ruggedly handsome lover with the body of an Adonis and the eyes like melted chocolate...."
The younger man bowed his head as he laughed softly.
Todd’s eyes scanned the black curtain of hair between them as he said, morosely, "Than come out with your boring gay friend who has to suffer with his dull co-workers because the only two gorgeous guys in town are busy."
Philip flicked his hair back as he looked up. "Where's Graham?"
"He went to the movies - alone!" Todd rolled his eyes and sighed dramatically. "He's pathetic."
Phil shook his head then mumbled, "No, he's just.. missing someone.."
“Well, whoever he is, he must be something special.”
Philip tilted his face to look at his friend. Surprised by the tone of Todd’s voice as much as the comment itself he asked, “What makes you say that?”
The dark eyes held the gaze a moment then Todd gave a bashful smile, one that Philip very rarely saw, then he moved away as he wrung his hands nervously.
“Todd?”
Sucking in a fortifying breath Todd tried to sound nonchalant as he flung his hands around and muttered, “I offered your brother a night of torrid sex tonight and he turned me down." He stopped and stared directly at his friend a long moment to gauge his reaction to that sad confession.
Philip’s mouth dropped open slightly. "Are you serious?"
"That he turned me down?"
"That you offered it?"
Todd suddenly blushed again before he lowered his face, losing all playfulness. Philip didn't often see this side of his friend - the serious, needful side. He got up and went over to him. Todd sensed his approach and was backing away and smiling with embarrassment. Trying to turn his face away as Philip neared he muttered something inaudible.
“Hey!” The relentless artist reached his arms around the taller man’s shoulders and hugged him close. For a few moments Todd resisted but as Philip placed a hand at the back of his head and tilted his face down to rest against his cheek, Todd gave in to his own needs and cautiously slipped his hands across his friend’s narrow back. With the warmth and softness of Philip against him he was suddenly overwhelmed by his own loneliness. Sucking in a soft sob of a breath he engulfed Philip in his arms and nuzzled his face against the long hair and beard. Inhaling deeply he almost drowned in the intoxicating aroma of Philip’s spicy cologne.
The hug was only brief before Todd started to pull back, muttering, “I’m just being stupid, you know! Feeling sorry for myself!”
The younger man cupped the smooth cheeks in his hands. Shaking his head he said, earnestly, “No! No, you’re not! Oh, god! I'm sorry, Todd. I didn't even know you were so lonely."
A faint smile creased Todd’s cheek into dimples as he said, “Believe it or not, neither did I.”
“Then, what happened?” Philip asked, guiding his friend to the sofa.
Todd gathered himself together then smiled more sincerely this time as he sank into the soft cushions. “Actually, it was waking up with you in my arms yesterday that kinda alerted me to the hollowness of my love life....”
Phil’s face went pale and Todd shook his head as he said, “It just felt ‘nice’, you know. And as platonic as it is between us… well, let’s just say that it’s been a long time for me, babe..”
“Oh, Todd!”
With a soft laugh Todd returned to his lighter, more flippant, ways as he announced, “You know, poor Graham almost had a fit when he saw me come out of your room.”
Philip slapped his hands over his eyes, rocked forward and groaned. “Oh, shit!”
“But I put him straight. Well, as straight as I’d want to put any gay man.” Todd chuckled at his own joke, and then shrugged when all he got in return was a pale-faced stare. “Hey, come on! So? I enjoyed waking up entangled with you – so what?” He shrugged and flipped his hand in the air. “It’s not like you gave me a hard-on!”
Managing to sound a little bit disappointed even though he was relieved by that revelation, Philip stammered, “Oh? Oh, I didn’t?”
/Yes, actually, you did../
“No,” Todd told him with a smile as he cupped the bearded face.
“That’s.. good!” Phil said nodding profusely. Todd nodded, too.
“Yeah, that’s good. And, you don’t need to be worried about me, okay? While the event might have highlighted my own pathetic loveless life, I haven’t hitched my affections on you, so don’t worry!”
Nodding, and looking relieved, Philip said, “but.. so.. you turned around and asked Graham…?”
With an embarrassed snort, Todd bowed his head and muttered, “Oh yeah, well, I’m not overly interested in him either.. you know.. but-” He gave a sharp shrug then said, “it’s an itch. We both scratch the same way so I figured..” He met the shocked brown eyes and laughed. “What? Oh Christ, Philip, it’s just.. sex!”
“Just?” With an indignant snort the younger man said, “I'm glad he turned you down then!"
Todd sighed quickly and shook his head at his moralistic friend. "It was just going to be fun, Phil. You know, hot and heavy, flinging each other around the bed, getting into positions that you really shouldn't get into because you just *know* you'll regret them the next day..." With a wanton laugh he added, "All that glorious stuff!"
Phil lowered his face but said nothing. Todd cupped his cheek, threading his fingertips into the long hair behind his ear and gently guided the face up to look at him again. When their eyes met once more he smiled and said, "We're not all lucky like you. I know sex is about love, about mutual admiration, about respect for the feelings of the other.. but babe, let me tell you... sometimes, some of us need it a little rougher than that."
Philip blinked quickly as he queried, "Rougher?"
"Not kinky, love! Just not as sweet as you have it with your colonel!"
Swallowing hard, Philip nodded and said nothing more. Todd straightened up then said, in a soft voice, "I should catch the others up. They've probably started without me." He lightly kissed Phil's cheek, his lips brushing the thick beard before he rose to his feet. "I'll see you in the morning."
"I'll be here," Phil said.
"Hope so.” He cupped the bearded chin and lightly squeezed his face as he told him, “As cute as your ass is, I can't keep saving it. Or else I might lose my job.”
"I know. Thanks for all you've done so far."
With a wink, Todd gave him another gentle squeeze then left.
Philip remained on the sofa, stunned by all that he’d heard tonight. He was churning up with feelings and emotions. His head started thumping as he catalogued his whirring emotions.
He felt anger – at the people he worked with, especially Travers, and their short-sightedness when it came to him and the whole AIDS thing. He felt guilt – for putting his good friend in such a situation like he had. It was thoughtless on his behalf. His face began to burn with the rising blush throughout his body now as he went on to further catalogue his feelings. He realized he felt regret – for everything he and Jack were going through and the selfishness he was showing his patient lover. That thought made his heart thump in his chest hard, so hard he was sure he could see his shirt moving from it. Going deeper still he knew he felt embarrassed – by his own naivety with regard to Todd and everything he was putting him through at work and on a personal level, and for Todd himself, and the courage it must have taken for him to be so open with him. By now the blood was rushing in his ears, creating a ‘whooshing’ sound and making him feel light headed.
Carefully he lay back on the sofa, folding his arm across his eyes as he tried to calm his erratic breathing.
*
When Philip finally arrived at Jack's place it was a little after 9pm. It had taken him a while to work through his thoughts and clear his head enough to allow him to drive. He took some solace in the fact that Janet had told him that his emotions would be a roller coaters ride from time to time – and he would have to ride out the bad times when they came. He tried to convince himself that he was just experiencing a bad time at the moment, and that the good times were just around the corner. There were certain changes that had to be made if he and Jack were to strengthen their weakened relationship, however, but he was prepared to start making the changes - provided Jack was too. By the time he’d reached his rosebush-lined path leading up to the front door he felt exhausted and his heart was racing slightly.
When he entered the house he saw that Jack was awake and in the living room watching a National Geographic show about Otters.
"Hello," Philip said as he cautiously came down the steps into the living room. Jack looked at him then nodded wordlessly.
Philip sat on the coffee table, facing him, his hands nervously rubbing over his denim-clad thighs. He waited until the watery brown eyes finally shifted to focus upon him then the artist’s face twitched with an anxious smile.
"Are we okay?" he asked hesitantly, having expected a friendlier greeting. After their discussion that morning he was hoping Jack would be a little more receptive. He knew his partner wasn’t well, but he still sensed there was more behind the silence than him feeling lousy with the flu.
Jack looked at him a long moment. "Don't know 'bout you, but I feel like crap." He grumbled as he pulled the blanket up under his chin further.
Philip smiled as he dipped his face. "Well, you look better than you did this morning. Do you want me to put on a fire?”
/Ah,/ Jack thought. /So he was here!/
"No to the fire. Feeling ... bit better," Jack said, though his raspy voice implied a very inflamed throat.
Philip screwed his nose up as he touched his hand to his own throat. "Sore throat?"
"Shows, huh?" the sick man asked wryly. Philip gave a quick smile then nodded.
"Kinda." He rubbed his hands on his thighs nervously again as he asked, "Can I get you anything?"
Jack looked at him a long moment then shook his head. "Don't need nursing," he whispered hoarsely.
Philip nodded as he said, "I want to .. I want to do stuff for you.." Blinking as he looked down at Jack's feet in their mis-matched socks he said, "I want to look after you."
Looking up he met the dark gaze.
"Don't need nursing.." Jack repeated.
"Please let me do something for you," Philip said softly.
Jack stared back at him a long time then said, "Move then. You're blocking my view."
Philip turned to see the television then looked back at him. With a heavy sigh he got up and sat on the sofa instead. Jack slotted his eyes to watch him until it looked like he was about to look his way, then he diverted his gaze to the screen again.
After a few moments of silence, Philip got up and said, "I'm going to make myself a cup of tea, do you want one?"
Jack nodded wordlessly and watched his lover leave the room.
When Philip returned he handed Jack a hot cup of coffee then sat on the sofa all by himself. He kicked his shoes off before putting his feet up on the edge of the coffee table - his knees bent so that he could rest his cup on his knees. Jack watched him a moment then swallowed, winching at the discomfort before asking, "How .. work?"
Philip didn't look at him. He merely shrugged then said, "Same old shit."
Jack tilted his head slightly then asked, "what?"
Philip rubbed his hand across his eyes as he said, "Well, since you asked - Travers called again today. I'm assuming that means there have been more complaints about my running of the library. Found out tonight that the casuals are apparently getting together to gossip about my health and Sylvia is constantly talking about her fear of AIDS......” He coughed tiredly then dropped his chin to his chest and went on, muttering, “So no doubt this is all getting back to Traver's... which is just fantastic, as he's a homophobe! Any excuse to get rid of me is a good excuse in his books." He paused and took a sip of his steaming drink then sighed. “Um, add to that that Todd's not very happy at work, and he’s lonely. He doesn’t know a lot of people around town..” He went silent and shrugged before bringing the cup to his lips and sighing forlornly. “And to top it all off, Graham’s still mooching after Daniel.” He pressed his hand into his eye as he mumbled, “Maybe I should introduce him to Todd – kill two problems at once.”
Jack's brow twitched at that comment but he said nothing.
With a weary scoff, Philip said, ironically, “So, other than that, my day was just peachy."
Jack frowned. He’d seen Philip down about a lot of things, but never about his job – not to this extent anyway. "Baby..?" he said.
Philip shook his head and refused to look at him. “Don’t call me baby..”
Jack clenched his eyes shut and sighed.
Lying against the back of the sofa, Philip went on to say, "I haven’t told you this yet, but apparently my absences are becoming noticed by head office. I have to fly to Arlington next month to attend a 'panel'.." He sniffed then scratched his eyes again, but still didn't look at Jack even as he announced, gravely, "I think I'm going to be fired." Lowering his face he sighed heavily again. Taking his feet off the table he reached forward to put his cup down, remaining hunched over with his head hung low – a figure to total dejection.
"Fired?"
Turning his head but still keeping his eyes diverted to the mis-matched socks once more, Philip said, "Todd's done all he can for me, but even he's getting sick of saving my butt, so-" Philip tried to smile but it failed on his lips, "I guess Head Office will devise some legal reason to throw me out - but between you and me, I think they know.."
"What?"
Philip rolled his eyes as he looked up into Jack's watery gaze finally. "What do you think?" He stood up then pushed his hand through his long hair as he mumbled, "Excuse me." Without another word he headed out of the room.
Jack closed his eyes as he sat back in his chair. Pressing the heels of his hands into his eyes, he tried to relieve the thumping headache that he had.
*
He wasn't sure how long he'd been sitting there before he felt hands on his shoulders and he lifted his eyes up to look at Philip.
"I'm sorry, hun." He cupped his hand against the arched throat. “I should have just said that my day was fine. You’re hardly up to hearing all this.”
Jack patted the hand on his shoulder. “S’fine.”
“You look beat. Maybe you should go back to bed.”
Jack thought about that a moment then said, “Soon.”
“And I can’t get you anything?” Phil asked. Jack merely closed his eyes; his head was thumping too hard to shake.
Rubbing the warm shoulder Philip said, “Look, I think I’ll head back home. As much as I’d love to stay and care for you..”
“You shouldn’t..” Jack said, grimacing at the sharp jab down his throat. Philip nodded.
“No, you’re right. I shouldn’t. Last thing we need is for me to catch this flu. I’ve just got my coughing under control with this new medication.”
Jack patted his hand and made a hand gesture like a phone. Phil nodded then kissed his fingertips and pressed them to Jack's hot forehead.
“Call me.”
Jack blinked then winked. The librarian turned and gathered up his satchel and coat before leaving again - unaware that it would be over a week before he set foot in Jack's place again.
End of part 18
Stories on this page are the property of Nessessitee and Slida. Please do not copy these without the written permission of the Author. All Rights are acknowledged for MGM, Gekko and Stargate Productions as to the Copyrights of the characters within this story and no infringement on the copyrights are intended. For the Bombshells Series the character of Philip Simmons is entirely the creation and intellectual property of Nessessitee and Slida.
While the performances given by RDA and MS help to fuel the author's desire to write for their characters in a niche that she feels is present on the actual show, the portrayal of their characters in loving relationships in no way reflects the Author's opinion of the men's private life, nor should it be construed in that manner.