Part 30
As Philip entered Jack's seemingly empty house he slammed the front door loudly, so loudly that it rattled the large glass pane beside it.
"What the *hell* was that about?" Philip yelled from just inside the front door, unable to see Jack anywhere.
The other man emerged from the kitchen, a beer in his hand and a sour look on his face. As he passed him at the door he said, "I'm *not* your father.." Stepping down the three steps into his living room he tossed the bottle lid onto his desk in the corner.
Philip followed him to the top step as he flicked his hand towards the front of the house and hissed, "Oh, for crying out loud! He's an old man. He got it wrong.."
Jack twirled on the spot to face him and asked, "And when did I get demoted to your 'friend'?"
Bemused, Phil took one step down then paused as he asked, "Demoted? What the hell are you talking about? Oh!" Sudden realization halted his movements, leaving him on the second step. Now with a voice strained by incredulousness, but still raised, he said, "Oh, what! Jesus, Jack! Was I meant to tell that woman that you were my goddamn *boyfriend*?"
He tilted his head, almost challenging his partner to admit that he was being stupid, but the glare in return told him that Jack was *not* going to concede this point! Shaking his head Phil asked in bitter bewilderment, "Jesus Christ! What's wrong with you?"
"Try - lack of sleep!" Jack responded harshly, the cold-stare in his eyes was something that Philip was not well acquainted with. It unnerved the younger man slightly. He put his hand out to steady himself against the wall beside him.
Then Jack added, still fixing him with a menacing gaze as he hissed, in a voice controlled but vehement, "Try - watching my goddamn boyfriend upchucking the contents of his goddamn freaking stomach all damn night and you've got yourself a start on what the hell is wrong with me!"
Quite worked up by the end of that tirade, Jack quelled his words as he acrimoniously shook his head and turned away, swigging at the beer for a distraction. With his back to Philip, who was shaking slightly from the unprecedented rage from his lover, Jack bowed his head. He looked at the bottle in his hand as he asked, "What the hell is wrong with you, Philip?" Swallowing hard - still tasting the beer in his saliva - he turned and asked, miserably, "When are we 'ever' going to have *that* conversation?"
Finally, after a long silence, which eventually saw them both diverting their eyes, Phil asked, quietly, "I thought we worked through all this the other night? I thought things were good between us again?"
"I thought so too," Jack said honestly, looking at his bottle again then reaching over and putting it down onto the low table by the window. He sighed heavily as he straightened his back. Hands on hips, he stared out at his manicured garden and squinted one eye as he said, "But being introduced as your friend? Not to mention your damn father?!" He bit back the next words, making sure he said the right thing next and didn't just let his words get away from him. Turning from the green view before him, he looked over at the small man on the middle step. "For crying out loud, Philip, do you even know who *I* am?"
"What's that meant to mean?"
Jack sighed and shoved his hands into his pants pockets. Bowing his head he asked, "Am I just your friend? Am I your father?"
Lowering his face to scratch at his beard with his thumb, Philip said, "You've obviously never met my father or you wouldn't ask that!" The attempt at lightening the mood fell flat. The cold-stare had returned to Jack's dark eyes.
"I'm not your lover.." Jack said quietly but pointedly.
"You said you understood about the sex.." Philip reminded him shakily. He was unprepared for this kind of conversation and felt quite out of his depth as he searched to justify his feelings to someone he just thought would always understand the situation as it was.
"No!" Jack said, holding his index and middle finger up together. "I said I accept the no-more sex rule. I even imposed it - but I sure as hell don't understand it! I 'reason' it's because you're ill. I 'think' it's because you're scared of infecting me, but, you know, you don't need to worry about that.."
"I know!" Philip growled as he rubbed both hands over his face, and for a brief second Jack thought he did 'know', but then Philip sighed and dropped his hands from his face as he said, "We were so careful it verged on the ridiculous! But Jack, believe me..." He held a fist over his heart as, in a quivering voice, he confessed passionately; "I'm terrified of giving this to you. Don't you understand *that*?"
Clenching his eyes tightly Jack looked away. That cinched it for him - despite what might happen today he could never tell Philip the truth. Barely able to get enough spit to swallow, he said, quietly, "But there's more to being lovers than sex - at least in my book! We’re barely companions!”
“I thought we were partners?” Philip challenged.
Jack shrugged one shoulder, aware of his own secret and knowing Philip was keeping plenty from him, and then he said despondently, "Partners share their lives, too."
Philip's eyes lolled shut slightly and he lowered his head.
"I just," Jack started, finding the next words hard to say, more for the sentimentality of them as much as the implication behind them. Whichever way he mentally tried to word it – on the long, silent drive home from the hospital - it sounded wrong - desperate, even pathetic. However, if Philip answered him honestly he'd have the answer to the question that had been nagging at the back of his mind since his on-line chat a few hours ago. Clearing his throat quickly, he said, "Sometimes I wonder if you love me anymore." His Cimmerian eyes squinted as he waited uncomfortably for Philip's response.
Philip's jaw slackened under the black beard. He stood, rooted to the spot, one hand gripping the wall beside him for support. He stared at the man that meant the whole world to him. Finally finding his voice, he asked, "How can you say that?" Despair and heartache tainted the words as Philip felt tears sting his eyes while Jack remained stoic.
Biting his bottom lip, Jack gave a laconic arch of the brow then shrugged.
Philip's heart lodged itself in his throat again. "How can you even ‘think’ that?" The trembles in the voice made it quaver. "I love you! I've told you that, over and over and over..."
"Yeah, you say it!" Jack retorted. "But do you *feel* it? Really deep down?"
"Of course I do!" Philip snapped back. "What would I be doing here if I didn't love you?"
"Maybe you're just 'used' to being here? How would I know!" The older man's voice rose slightly.
Philip stared at him and saw that he might honestly believe that. Lowering his voice, he declared, "Jack, I 'do' love you!"
With an evident sneer Jack looked away then said, "You know what they say, baby, actions speak louder than words."
The black eyes grew flinty. "Pardon?"
Jack met the hard stare. "Phil, you just keep me at this constant distance from you. A few nights ago I thought we broke through all this crap! You said you'd start sharing my bed again, but you don't! Since the other night you're back in your own room again."
"I'm sick!" He said, his voice lifting an octave.
"I know you're sick! I can 'see' that you're sick, believe me. I ask you, over and over, about *that* and you tell me it's nothing! I can't get word one out of Janet about it..'
"Good!"
"...What's so good about that? You won't tell me anything. I try to touch you and you pull away from me.."
Phil bowed his head then he sighed. "What about the fact that I'm here? Isn't *this* sharing my life with you?"
Jack frowned then scratched his stubble-covered cheek. "I'm really not sure," he said honestly.
"For crying out loud!" Phil sighed. Jack's blank return angered him more and he threw his hands in the air as he yelled, sarcastically, "Well, no, Jack, I 'don't' love you, I'm just here because I have no where else to sketch!” Shaking his head he muttered - “Shit!" - before he caught his breath and staredd at the older man. Growing a little less agitated, he went on to say; "It's probably escaped your attention that I don't actually 'live' here with you, Jack!"
"Hey! I asked!"
"I know!" Philip nodded. "But surely the fact that I am here tells you that I'm here because I WANT to be. I'm not trapped here. It's not like everything I own is here. I can leave anytime I want to!"
Jack gave a caustic smile as he snarled, "Don't I know that!"
Phil quelled his rising anger by sucking in a deep breath as he stepped down and leaned on the back of the arm chair in front of him, his hands clasped together so that his thumb was against the palm of his other hand. After a few sharp coughs he said, in a calmer voice, "That.. that didn't come out right."
He watched Jack's minute response – a mere flicker of his brow.
Hi eyes lolled behind fluttering lashes as he went on, "Of course there's stuff keeping me here. You, mainly! *You* are my home, Jack. I'm here because I want to be with you. I enjoy being with you.." The gray brow arched questioningly and Philip sighed, realizing that his words still weren't being heeded. Snarling again he said, "No, of course! I'm making *all* of this up. What possible motivation could I have for spending every moment you're here with you?"
"Fear?"
That answer surprised him. Screwing his face up in confusion Phil asked, "Fear? Of what?"
Jack wet his bottom lip again as he held the fiery stare. "Dying alone?"
Phil's eyes grew wide and, slowly, he tilted his head to the side. "What?"
Flicking his hand beside his head Jack said, "I read somewhere where some people are so afraid of being alone that they go back *home*..."
Blinking quickly, Phil asked, "And you think I've substituted my parents with you?"
Jack arched his brow again and shrugged. "I don't know!"
Sighing softly, Philip bowed his head and then rubbed his fingers into his tired eyes. "What about Graham?" He said then looked up, blinking to clear his vision. After an uncomfortable silence he sneered, “You really don't regard him at all, do you!"
Shaking his head, Jack mumbled, "All I meant was.."
Phil held his hand up, palm facing him, to silence him. Jack noted how red and scaly the palm was from where Philip dug his thumbnail into it whenever he was uptight or nervous. At the moment it was red raw.
"I heard what you meant," the young man said with a sad sigh.
"No, I don't think you did," Jack said, flatly.
With a sarcastic sneer, Phil said, "Oh believe me, hun. You're more eloquent than you give yourself credit for!"
"Now what the hell is that meant to mean?" Jack glared at him.
"Don't look at me like that!" Phil said about the hard look in the dark eyes, obviously designed to terrify subordinates. "I'm not one of your lackeys at work, and that look *doesn't* affect me!"
"What look?" Jack shrugged, "I wasn't doing a look!"
Phil rolled his eyes and shook his head. "Good, because it didn't work on me."
They were locked in another long stand off until Jack snorted and crossed the room to sit in the chair Philip was leaning against. Effectively, he was turning his back on Philip.
The younger man lifted his tear-filled eyes to the ceiling and bit his top lip as he breathed deeply to quell his rising emotions.
"I need to go home," he said quietly, turning and going back up towards his coat hanging on the back of Jack's door. His car keys were in there.
"I thought you were home!" Jack said gruffly, not bothering to turn to look at him. Philip looked over his shoulder at the back of the gray head.
"You know what I meant!" He told him, exasperated that Jack would use his words against him. Jiggling the keys in his palm he went back down into the living room and sat on the coffee table in front of Jack, forcing him to look at him.
"You do understand, though, don't you?" He asked. Holding his hand out towards the front of the house he said, "I 'live' clear on the other side of town, Jack. I'm 'here'," he said, pointing to the ground, "because I love you and I want to be with you.."
Jack watched him a moment then lowered his eyes as he said, "But we don't do anything together anymore!"
"We can't have sex, I agree with you. I know you miss it, so maybe it's better this way.." Phil started to get up.
Jack placed his hand on his knee, forcing him to sit again. "I'm not just talking about sex, for crying out loud. I told you the other night that you didn't need to worry about me wanting sex anymore."
"And to ignore your hard-ons!" Philip muttered, diverting his eyes.
"Sure. I can deal with them. They're nothing.. well, they're not 'nothing' but they're nothing for you to worry about!"
Philip closed his eyes - even though Jack was trying to lighten the mood, he still felt a sinking feeling in the pit of his stomach.
Jack saw this and said, "Look, it's just not important anymore. But I expected that we'd share other things in life. I'm talking about us 'being' together. I'm talking about kissing..."
“What’s the point? We can’t use our tongues, can’t exchange saliva...” Philip said dejectedly, clenching his hands again. Jack cringed internally, realizing that he shouldn't have mentioned kissing, as it was quite likely that this might have been the way he contracted the disease. Philip went on to tell him, by way of an explanation, "Sometimes my gums bleed..”
Wanting to leave that topic quickly, Jack shrugged and said, "What about cuddling? Watching a video together? Sharing a meal? How about sleeping - just sleeping - in the same damn bed?"
"I thought we went through all this before? We can do all that. We will do all that. As for sharing the bed, I told you that waking up with you was going to be difficult to do. It's not nice being jabbed in the ass when there's not a damn thing I can do about it!"
"Forget about that! Okay!"
"Well, then there's the fact that my coughing kept you awake the other night," Phil mumbled.
"So? I just turned over and cuddled you until you felt better, don't you remember?"
Rolling his eyes, Phil sighed. He did remember. "How long can you do that for Jack? It's a romantic notion and while you're on a few days break like this it might work, but what about when you have to start getting up early again after a night of no sleep? What it would really mean is I'll have Daniel on my ass pretty damn soon, complaining about how crotchety you've become at work because of lack of sleep," he said.
Jack shook his head slightly. He wasn't ready to tell Philip about the enforced retirement. He didn't yet have a viable reason, or at least not one that Philip wouldn't see through in a heartbeat. "Look, can't we just give it a damn try? Everything was great a few nights ago then you went back to your room. If you need time to be alone, I understand that. But not every night, for crying out loud!"
Phil looked at him and Jack could see that the younger man didn't necessarily enjoy ostracizing himself either. Rubbing his thumb over Phil's kneecap he added, "Besides, I can hear your coughing clear across the hall, so what's the difference?"
"I'm keeping you awake?" The young man asked earnestly, placing his hand over Jack's on his leg.
"Well, no," Jack said, softening at the touch. "I'm usually reading when I hear you.."
With a slight smile, Phil asked, "That same book?"
"No," Jack said seriously. He got up and went over to the corner desk, soon returning with a print out from the computer. He passed it over to Phil and let the young man read the title: 'Caring for Someone with AIDS at Home - By Centers for Disease Control and Prevention'.
Philip looked up quickly, surprised by the reading matter.
Jack gave an awkward smile and said, "You think I'm reading that because I want to know the ending?"
"Oh, Jack!" Philip got to his feet, dropping the print out onto the coffee table behind him.
Jack jutted his chin; trying to hide the emotions he felt churning within him as he stood there, staring deeply into his lover's eyes as they filled with tears. Clenching his jaw, he sucked in a deep breath through his nose and attempted a smile.
Philip's eyes scanned over the taller man's face and then, as the first tears dripped from his dark lashes and onto his flushed cheek, he muttered, "You idiot!" With a trembling hand he cupped the older man’s face, brushing his calloused thumb across the light stubble. "Do me a favor? Next time someone tells you they have HIV, maybe ... maybe leave them alone.." His eyes finally focused onto the lighter brown ones. Lips quivering, he said, "You'll save yourself a lot of heartache."
"It's not all heartache, baby," Jack told him sincerely as he lightly rubbed Phil’s forearm.
"It soon will be," the tearful man told him, his voice catching in the back of his throat.
"Tell me," Jack insisted quietly, slipping his hand along the arm to the hand touching his cheek.
Philip sniffed then sighed. "First," he said, stretching up and delicately kissing Jack's dry mouth. He pulled back and whispered through his tears, “I do miss that.”
Jack cupped the back of his head and guided him closer. Their lips touched again and this time Jack gently grounded his mouth against Philip’s until he eased him back away again. They stood staring into the other’s eyes then Philip’s fingers, still against his cheek, gathered Jack closer once more and they kissed again. Jack inhaled deeply and their lips parted slightly. The tentative kiss soon melted into a tender, intimate one where Jack's tongue danced lightly around the edge of his lover's lips but never entered his mouth. Parting slowly they both smiled now, and Philip patted Jack's chest with his hand as he said, "You should have gotten out, when the getting was good!"
He turned to move away but Jack held him fast, and Phil turned back to look at him. Jack said, "From the minute I sat on your bed with you that night, there was no getting out of this. I'm here for life, Phil."
Philip swallowed. "You're a romantic, Jack!"
The older man snorted at that absurd comment. "No, I'm not. I'm a realist.."
"A realist would have walked out of here ages ago. Gone and gotten himself a 'real' man. Someone to cuddle in bed with, someone to lay in his arms, someone to be 'there' for him, physically and mentally."
"I don't want a real man. I want you!"
Both men didn't say a word for a heartbeat then Jack shrugged and said, "Well, naturally that didn't quite come out the right way..."
"I know." Phil nodded and bit back a small smile. Jack sighed, grateful that something was understood.
Running his hand over Jack's sweater-covered chest Philip said, "But this is all I can offer you, hun. No tongues, no sex.. nothing. It's not because I don't love you - it's because I do! As for giving you no indication of how much I love you, then how about all the days I take off from work, just to be in this house with you? Do I complain when you go off again? No. I'm here for you. I keep the house clean for you. I *never* cook for you – which alone must show you how much I love you!”
They both laughed softly at that comment.
Getting serious again, Philip traced his finger down the long dimple in Jack's cheek as he said, “It's not sex, but it is.. it's love, Jack. It's not fireworks and trumpets.. but it *is* love. And it's all I can give you now. It's the most comfortable way I can show it to you."
Jack hung his head and sighed. He shifted his hand and gripped Phil's shoulder. "Come here," he said, tugging him into a tight embrace. Phil felt his lover shudder and gripped him more tightly.
"I'm sorry," Jack whispered, his breath warm against Phil’s ear.
"I'm sorry too," Phil whispered back.
"I love you," Jack said, his face still buried against the black curls.
The younger man shook with a sigh and returned, "and I love you too, Jack."
End of part 30.
Stories on this page are the property of Nessessitee and Slida. Please do not copy these without the written permission of the Author. All Rights are acknowledged for MGM, Gekko and Stargate Productions as to the Copyrights of the characters within this story and no infringement on the copyrights are intended. For the Bombshells Series the character of Philip Simmons is entirely the creation and intellectual property of Nessessitee and Slida.
While the performances given by RDA and MS help to fuel the author's desire to write for their characters in a niche that she feels is present on the actual show, the portrayal of their characters in loving relationships in no way reflects the Author's opinion of the men's private life, nor should it be construed in that manner.