Part 33
By the time Jack returned home that evening it was late. The sunny day had since gone to sleep and a cold evening, with bitter winds, had settled upon the town. He steered his jeep up the driveway and parked it besides Philip's sedan. He got out; looked up at the stars above him and wondered how much longer it would be before winter really set in.
Opening the front door he instantly saw Philip, sitting alone at the dining table, poking his fork unenthusiastically into a frozen dinner - once heated in the microwave but now going cold again. Pushing the door shut behind him Jack never dropped Philip's gaze, even as he crossed to the dining room chair. He sat, silently, and looked at the table. Philip was eating the meal out of the little black container that it came in but he compensated for that by using one of Jack's best crystal goblets for his water. The glass twinkled in the soft glow of the purple candle, the only form of lighting in the house apart from the fire in the next room and the range-hood light on still in the kitchen.
Philip laid his fork down and wiped his mouth with the cloth napkin from his lap. "Any questions?" He asked, sounding a little hard but not meaning to.
"About the cancer or about the fact that you're eating out of plastic while drinking out of crystal?"
"About the cancer." Philip was in no mood for lightening the moment.
Jack sucked back a deep breath through his nose as he crossed his arms across his chest, hitching himself slightly up one side as he looked at Philip. "A few dozen. They can wait until you're finished this gastronomic event."
Philip pushed the meal away then took a sip of the water before putting the goblet down again. He waited silently for Jack to talk. When he didn't say anything Philip sighed and stood up, collecting the items from the table and, as he went into the kitchen he muttered, "My day was pretty pissy too, thanks for asking!"
Jack watched the door flap back and forth on its hinges then Philip appeared in the doorway again. He passed Jack a cup of brewed coffee and the two of them went into the living room.
"Can I put on a lamp?"
"You'd better. It's really dark in here," Philip said, putting his cup on the coffee table. Jack lit the lamp on the corner desk then went to the sofa, choosing to sit beside Philip. The younger man shuffled around to sit facing him.
"So? How was you day?" Jack asked, theatrically.
"I was fired. How was yours?"
"WHAT?" Jack shuffled around to look at him even more. "What the hell?"
Philip sighed softly then shrugged. "It was, as Todd put it, inevitable. Head Office were pissed off that I couldn't fly out there later this week to address the many issues they had about my running of the Library." He stopped talking then looked across the room towards the lamp, a frown brought his dark brows together. Jack turned and looked over his shoulder in the direction of the lamp but seeing nothing he turned back to Philip.
"What did they say?" Jack asked, covering Philip's hand with his own.
After a swallow, Philip said, "They said it was due to my 'attitude' which is bullshit as I've been diligent.." His voice trembled but his eyes remained dry. "I think they were suspicious something was wrong and .. well.." He lowered his face and shrugged. With a soft laugh, an ironic one, Philip said, "So, now I get to rest, like you wanted."
"No, I never wanted this. Baby, I know how important your job is to you!"
*
Daniel's fork was paused in his veal; his mouth was dropped open as he stared across his dining room table to the man opposite him.
He and Todd were sitting in Daniel's apartment. This was the first time Daniel had invited him into his place - it was going to be the first time he let his guard down. Over lunch he'd been distracted by Todd's flirtations, but he decided that afternoon that he wanted to invite him into his home - to try to get through the surface stuff and see just what lay beneath the surface of the librarian. He felt like employing all his archaeological skills in stripping away the layers of this man to see what really lurked beneath. It was true that he wasn't sure where this was going to go, as he still felt things that he shouldn't for someone that he refused to even name - especially to himself - but he wondered if he would only move on by throwing himself headfirst into something *intense*... something like what Todd could promise him.
Still, it was with a sinking feeling that he let the 'wrong' man into his apartment and towards the romantically set dining table. The apartment had impressed Todd and he joked about how it was the antithesis of his loft - fully furnished to the point of being crammed. He even sat briefly at the piano and played it - which both impressed and unsettled Daniel, as the last person to do that was Graham. Daniel had never learnt to play the piano, which was one of the things he'd inherited from Nick's estate (when his grandfather was placed into the asylum years ago), so listening to Todd's gentle caress of the keys and his low, deep baritone voice, did stir something within him.
Soon, though, they'd settled down for dinner, complete with a comment by Todd that he could really get used to coming 'home' to such a place and such a man. Daniel had registered that compliment with a small smile as he laid out the dinners before settling opposite him in his chair.
It was from here that the events of Todd's day had unfolded, leaving Daniel now sitting there, dumbfounded.
"Fired?" He said when he found his voice again.
Todd's brows raised high then dropped.
"And, like the good friend that you are.." Daniel said, his eyes narrowing in disbelief on Todd, "You just stepped into his position?"
"It wasn't like that," Todd said, pushing his baby potatoes around his plate. "Travers basically told me that Sylvia wasn't qualified enough and that I could have the job if I wanted it."
"Did you tell them to go to hell and that the job was presently your 'best friend's' job?"
"Daniel!" Todd sighed and snapped his head back.
"No, wait a minute," Daniel said, holding his hand parallel to the table, his long fingers stretched wide. "You didn't stop for a moment, did you? You... you just took it?"
Todd's dark eyes narrowed as he gazed back into the fiery gaze. "I was offered a position from my employers. What was I meant to do? Say, oh no, that's Philip's job and I couldn't possibly take it?"
"Yes!" Daniel nodded.
"Get real!" Todd snapped. "He was fired, Daniel! What good would it have done for me to refuse the position?"
Daniel stared at him then blinked and looked down at his food. "What feeble excuse did they give?"
"It wasn't feeble," Todd said, sitting over his dinner more.
Daniel looked up at him and said, with disbelief in his laughter, "You're not seriously going to sit there and tell me that you believe he was fired for incompetence? Philip? Incompetent? That's crap and you know it!" He pushed his food around his plate again.
The chink of Todd's fork dropping to his plate made Daniel look up.
"Listen, I love Philip too, but this is not something you know a lot about, okay?"
Tilting his head and growing more aloof, Daniel said, "Oh? Well, why don't you tell me?"
"The place was getting out of control! Stuff was getting lost and books were misfiled. How long did it take for you to find that book you wanted today?"
Daniel looked down, not wanting to answer that as he had located it, accidentally, as he searched for a different title on another shelf.
"He's sick. I'd have thought I was doing him a favor, for God's sake! He shouldn't be worried about stuff at work when he should be out enjoying what little time he has!"
Daniel's eyes narrowed again. "Agh, Pardon?"
Todd looked up then frowned. "You don't know, do you?"
"I know.."
"You know he has AIDS..? I mean, I know you know that much!"
Daniel looked at his plate then back at the man opposite him. "Yeah, well, I do know that, but," -a smile of uncertainty flitted across his face - "that's not what you're talking about."
Todd sighed and sat back, pushing his half eaten dinner aside. Daniel reacted to that by bristling a little, it had taken a long time to prepare dinner for him - but his main focus of attention was on the conversation, not the dinner.
"I shouldn't be the one to tell you this.."
"Go on."
"He has cancer. Lung cancer."
Daniel's mouth dropped open as he stared into the dark eyes. "No! No way!"
"Yes, Oh god, Daniel, I'm sorry that I'm the one to tell you this. I found out months ago..." He decided not to mention that he found out by eavesdropping on a conversation between the brothers. He got up and stood by Daniel's side, gently lifting him to his feet. Gathering the distressed man into his arm he soothed him with soft words and light kisses. Pulling back slightly, he held Daniel's face in his hand, and just as he came in to press their lips together he heard a faint word drop from Daniel's lips; "Graham."
Pulling back abruptly he fixed the anthropologist with a heated stare. "Graham?"
Daniel, somewhat dazed, blinked then said, "Oh, I was.. I was just thinking about.."
"Graham!" Todd said sharply.
"How is he?"
Obviously annoyed, Todd stepped further back then pushed his hands through his long hair as he said, "You've just heard that a close friend is dying of lung cancer and your only concern is for his brother?"
"Well, they are.. they're very close!" Daniel said, quietly.
"And you called me shallow!" Todd snorted.
"When? I never!" Daniel said, tucking his hand onto his hip and leaning down against the table on his fingertips. Todd raised his brow accusingly and Daniel sighed as he dropped his head. "You know that terminally ill people need things to keep them going. Things like work.. just everyday things to make them feel like they're still living. And you know as well as I do that he loved his job!"
"Refusing the damn job wasn't going to help Philip out, don't you see that Daniel?"
"No. It would have showed him support. If his work was lacking why didn't you help him instead of taking over."
"I did all I could for him! I did so much. I lied for him so often. If you have a problem with anyone, then maybe you should be yelling at Sylvia and the casual staff who seemed to deliberately stuff up to make him look incompetent."
Accusingly Daniel asked, "And.. you knew that?"
Todd stopped his rant then said, quickly. "What? No, of course.. no.."
Daniel raised his hand and pointed a finger into the air as he tilted his head and said, "But you just said.."
"Look, this is.. this is not going to work, between us, huh?"
Daniel wet his lips and lowered his head. "No. It's not."
Todd nodded then reached back and took his jacket off the back of his chair. Laying it over his arm he stopped in front of Daniel and said, "I'm sorry. You'll never know how sorry I am..."
Daniel didn't bother to look up, not until he heard the soft sound of his front door clicking closed. Only then did he suck in a deep breath then look around the apartment. He lifted his face to the ceiling as his eyes brimmed with tears. He was sorry too. Sorry and confused, so confused! He wasn't sure what was upsetting him the most; Philip's health, the fact that his friend had lost one of the things in life he loved the most - his job, the concern whether Jack knew the truth or not, the fact that Todd had just ended what little they had.. or Graham, and the heartache that that man must have been going through with the impending loss of his beloved brother.
*
Jack was carefully carrying in two steaming drinks into the living room. He and Philip had been talking for hours, mostly about Philip's job and the loss of it at this stage, but things were progressing towards discussing the cancer and Jack wanted to stall it there - long enough to get them both another hot drink and to go to the bathroom.
When he looked up at his lover, who was standing in front of the fire, prodding the kindling to renew the heat, he paused, mid-step. Philip straightened up and turned to look at him. His smile, even beneath the beard, was still beautiful, especially when it crinkled up the corners of his eyes like it did now. That smile, Jack came to learn early on in their relationship, was 'his'. Philip only ever smiled like that when he looked at him.
Putting the cups down now, Jack stepped over to the smaller man and encircled him in his arms.
"Made us both hot chocolate.." He whispered, his lips brushing the side of Phil's nose lightly.
"Lovely." Philip sighed softly as Jack covered his cheeks in light kisses.
Tilting his head to look down into the dark eyes, Jack asked, "You're okay? Don't need me to get any pain killers?"
"No," Philip said, smiling contentedly. "I'm fine. Especially here." He juggled Jack in his arms.
"Yeah." The older man agreed languidly. "This isn't such a bad place to be."
Philip's eyes shifted across the living room then focused on Jack again. "No. I like it."
"I like you in it," Jack whispered, kissing up the sharp bridge of Philip's nose then across his ebony brow.
The caressed man growled deeply. "I like me in it too."
Jack kissed his eyelid gently. Then he moved down to his cheek then across to his mouth, where they kissed tenderly.
Jack's tongue hesitated at the joined lips then he slowly slipped his tongue into Philip's mouth. The younger man's reaction was unexpected. Instead of pushing away he latched on to Jack's tongue, gently sucking on it like he used to then releasing it so that they could both joust gently, diving from one mouth to the other until he latched onto it again and sucked, a little more tenaciously as his passion grew.
Pulling back slowly Jack stared into the doe-like brown eyes. "I like that too."
"Me too," Philip smiled then touched a slightly trembling hand to Jack's bottom lip. "I've missed it so much," the younger man hissed lasciviously.
Jack waited a heartbeat then he gripped Philip close to him and devoured his mouth once more, regardless of the outcome. His young lover was just as tenacious, his hand roaming over Jack's face, down his neck, across his sweater-covered chest. Delving beneath Jack's tops, Philip felt his way up the chest and scratched at the much-missed chest hair. He groaned loudly into Jack's mouth then they both helped slip the tops off the older man and Philip broke the kiss and shifted his head to consume Jack's chest; biting, sucking and licking ferociously.
"Philip... Philip.." Jack gripped the roving head and Philip growled as his lips unlatched from the hardened nipple.
"Please Jack, let me do this.. please.." His hands had slipped to the belt and started unlatching it.
"Okay," Jack said, cupping his chin. "But let's do this right."
Philip blinked then tilted his head.
"I want to see you, too," Jack told him.
Philip caught his breath then nodded. "It's so dark in here.." he said, stepping on the back of his shoes to tug them off. Jack looked around the room. It was dim, but not dark. He could see Philip easily, and would see everything that the younger man had been hiding from him the past few months.
With his hands on his own belt, Philip admitted, shyly, "I'm nervous.."
Jack nodded. "I know."
"What if I repulse you?"
"That's not possible, baby!" Jack said softly, cupping Phil's face again. The young man laid his hands over Jack's.
"I've changed so much.." He warned him.
Jack nodded. "Janet explained about some of the changes.."
"The Wasting Syndrome?" Philip asked, returning his hand to his belt.
Jack swallowed. Cold hard facts were one thing - witnessing the destruction of this disease on the body of the man he loved might well be another.
"Yes," he said simply.
Philip's face lifted as he said, "I look .. bad.. hun.."
Jack shook his head and captured Philip's hands, which were now undoing the fly on his black jeans. "I still love you. This is the surface.."
"You used to lie on the bed admiring this surface," Philip reminded him. "It made you hard.."
Jack sighed as he nodded. "So does your mind.. your smile.. your hands.."
Philip smiled as he finished undoing his jeans and slipped them down. Jack was surprised to see he was wearing another pair of tight sweat pants. Philip left them on as he gripped the hem of his sweater and eased it up over his head. Again, Jack was surprised by another layer of clothing, a sweat-shirt, under the first. He was expecting a turtle necked top as he could see the collar. Philip always wore high collared turtle necked tops or had his shirts buttoned all the way up. Jack wondered now if it was to hide marks on his throat.
"I look very different," Philip tried to prepare him. "The Wasting Syndrome has robbed me of all my muscle definition.."
Jack thought about the sweet, faint six-pack Philip used to sport but he dismissed it quickly. "I don't care."
Philip eased the other top up and Jack saw the turtle necked top now.
"How many layers are you wearing?" He asked, out of interest.
"Four," Philip said, slipping the other top off to reveal a body hugging t-shirt. Jack remembered how tight that top used to fit the well-muscled youth but now it gathered across his front. He lifted his gaze to Philip's concerned eyes.
"Go on.." Jack said quietly urging him. Philip chewed his bottom lip so Jack stepped closer. "Do you want me to do it?"
With a faint nod Philip lifted his hands over his head and Jack slipped the final top off. While the top covered Phil's view, Jack glanced at the skeletal body and could barely believe his eyes.
He saw how ravished Phil had become in the past few months. His ribs were barely concealed under the tight, shiny skin. There was no longer the nice muscle definition that he used to have. His stomach concaved under the ribs now that he was so emancipated. As shocked as he was though, Jack was mindful that as soon as Philip could see him again, he gave him a brave smile as he said, "It's okay."
All the hair at the top over balanced the body and put Jack in mind of concentration camp survivor. Phil had always been thin, Jack remembered, and he'd noted that he'd lost a little weight in their first few months together but he was surprised just how ravished the body was in a matter of about eleven months.
Lifting one hand, Philip touched it to the back of Jack's hand - that was now lightly passing over his tight skin, touching at the many brown spots, some raised, some flat, that littered his pale skin.
"I've got Panretin for the skin lesions."
Looking into his eyes Jack asked, "Are these skin cancers?"
Philip gave a faint nod then shrugged. "It's good stuff. It's like a gel and it's made from retoinic acid or something.. and it's really helping with the marks." He pointed to one above his nipple, which, Jack noted with some dismay, was no longer adorned with a nipple ring. "A month ago that was raised, but this stuff has really faded it."
Jack gripped the body, so much like an under-developed child's now - all bony and angular, and he peered around to Phil's back. Almost apologetically, Philip said, "I .. I don't know if there's any back there.."
There were - some were small, about the size of a quarter, others were large, one on the small of his back was about half the size of Jack's palm. He didn't tell Phil that though, he just looked back into his eyes and said, dismissively, "A few."
Philip nodded and seemed happy with that response.
"Do they hurt?" Jack asked, pleased to keep the shaking from his voice.
"No," he said, looking down at his body, or as much of it as he could see. "I've been pretty lucky with them really. They've been on my torso and arms and thighs, places people couldn't see.." He stopped when Jack arched his brow. "Where I didn't let people see."
Jack's eyes drifted down to the sweatpants and Philip knew what he was wanting next. Hooking his thumbs into the waist elastic, the younger man said, "I have to be honest here, hun.."
Jack looked back at him.
"I haven't had an erection in months."
Jack swallowed and nodded. It didn't matter. Not now at least. He was off the boil now too, so didn't think they were going to do anything other than cuddle and kiss anymore. That didn't take the sting out of his regret that they'd both waited too long. Now, when it was possible to 'consummate' their relationship, neither had the physical ability to.
Jack watched as legs, thin and gangly like the kind seen in commercials about starving children, were revealed as Philip slowly bent forward to push his pants all the way down to his ankles. He stepped out of the pants and stood before Jack, completely naked now, and trembling fiercely. His whole body was covered in gooseflesh, not because he was cold, but because he felt so vulnerable. Jack saw him trembling, the hair by his temple quivered with it. He thought about how oddly out of shape Philip looked now, this big head, full of a black beard and long wild hair, on top of the emancipated body.
He got up and went to the sofa, grabbing the afghan from the back of it and wrapping it around Philip's shoulders. The younger man sighed with some relief, whether it was the warmth or the security, Jack wasn't sure, but he rubbed the narrow shoulders before stepping around to face Philip again.
"So," the nervous man asked in a tight voice.
"So?" Jack asked, raising his brow.
"Not what you expected?"
"No," he replied honestly, scanning his eyes down the front of Philip again. The artist opened the rug again so that Jack could see him once more then he folded the blanket across him again. "I'll be honest here, because I think that's what we're going for at the moment, you're thinner than I expected."
Philip looked hurt as he looked away.
"I never said it was ugly," Jack said, reading the expression perfectly. Philip nodded. Jack turned the face back towards him. "I just wondered, when? You know? When did it happen?"
Philip nodded. That was a reasonable question considering all the effort he'd taken in deceiving Jack regarding his weight loss. He took in a deep breath then said, "Actually, I was losing weight since before we got together, but I didn't really think anything of it. I'd figured all our.. activity.. was helping me shed weight.." He added with a small smile.
Jack smiled, too. Phil looked deeply into his eyes, searching them deeply. "Do you remember when we couldn't keep our hands off each other?"
"I still wouldn't, if you let me."
"After what you just saw, how can you say that?"
"It's you.." Jack said with a shrug.
Philip rolled his eyes then said, "But I look disgusting. I'm skinny, I'm covered in these damn brown marks.."
"I don't care about that, Phil. Sure, I was surprised by how thin you are. And I'm angry at myself for not being more observant - beard or no damn beard."
"Maybe you did see. Maybe you just didn't want to know.."
"Or, you're just a master of deception..."
Phil shrugged. "It was easier at the start when I still had the strength to keep up the deception. I used to just concentrate on you.."
"So throw the old man a bone and he won't notice, huh?"
Phil smiled. "More a case of deal with the old man's bone and he won't notice.."
Humorlessly Jack nodded then said, "So that's why I always got but couldn't give?"
"Basically," Phil nodded. "I wanted you to be satiated, but I needed to keep myself clothed, so I'd tackle you instead. Then I started to lose energy, you know? It started to get too hard to go down on you, pardon the pun."
Jack nodded. He was in no mood to make light of this conversation. Philip was revealing a long scheme of deception. He found this scary that he could have been blind to all this for so long.
Philip gave a waning smile. "Besides, who'd want to make love to someone that looked like this?"
"Me," Jack said, without hesitation.
"Sure," Philip snorted in disbelief.
"Hey, I'm sure!" Jack told him, sounding a little insulted by the insinuation that he wouldn't be. The younger man looked at him, a frown on his face but behind his eyes a glimmer of hope still flickered.
"But I'm not really fuckable though," Phil probed, blinking quickly then stating, "Am I?"
"Is that what you want?" Jack asked sincerely. "To know that?"
Philip shrugged. "Everyone wants to be attractive, Jack."
"Then - yes! You still are. To me! Come on.. We'll go to the room.. I'll show you!"
Rolling his eyes Philip gave a slight smile. "Not possible."
"Yes, yes it is.." Jack said, almost on the brink of telling him.
"What would be the point?" Philip asked, feeling the softness of Jack's fingers as they glided across his protruding collarbone then edged the rug away so that they could dally over the shoulder. Sighing softly at the tender caress he said, "I .. I .. can't get an erection and you couldn't possibly enter me.. I'd probably break.. or something..." He looked up into Jack's eyes, almost as if he wanted his lover to prove him wrong.
Jack was about to protest then stalled. Philip hadn't argued about him contracting the disease. Frowning, he wondered why.
Philip looked into the expressional brown eyes. "What?" He asked.
"You.. um.." Jack's eyes narrowed.
Philip wet his bottom lip. "I know." He said, staring straight at Jack.
"You... what?" the older man's voice rose slightly.
"I know you've got it too now." He watched as Jack's mouth opened and closed a few times but then went on to say, before Jack could find his voice, "That was pretty much my reaction once I'd worked it out.. for myself!"
His brow arched accusingly then he sighed, shook his head quickly and said, "I know about your sudden retirement from the Mountain. I know that the reason was 'highly classified'. I'm not stupid, Jack. You didn't throw away your career simply to care for me. There's only one other explanation."
"Who?" Jack stammered quietly, trying to work out who would have betrayed him. "Everyone knew not to.."
A smile creased Philip's face slightly. "Not to tell me?"
Jack stared at him wide eyed. "Oh.. shit."
"You forgot to include Graham in your little pact, Jack."
The older man crumpled onto the chair behind him, scrubbing his hands down his face as he groaned loudly. He felt hands rest on his knees and opened his eyes to look at Philip, crouched before him. There was a small, ironic smile on his face as he said, "Oh what a tangled web we weave.."
"When first we practice to deceive.." Jack muttered the rest. Philip nodded.
"Going on the time line, it wouldn't have mattered if we'd been honest from the start Jack. By the time you found out, I was well and truly dead below the belt."
Jack was amazed at his lover's reaction.
"What?" Philip asked, slipping himself into the older man's lap.
"I just.."
"Not reacting as you expected me to?" Philip asked, his fingers skirting across Jack's naked chest.
"Well, yeah. Kinda," the confused man muttered.
"Believe me," Philip said, touching his hand to Jack's cheek and staring at him a long time until he finished his sentence, "I'm not done with my crying over you yet. I'm not done with the guilt trip, the anger.. all of it. I'll never forgive myself.." His voice began to tremble with that declaration.
"You didn't do it.." Jack said slipping his hand up the bony spine then cupped the back of the dark head.
"No, that much I take *some* consolation in-" Philip nodded and agreed. "*We* did it. Doesn't make it right, doesn't make it fair. We were *so* careful, where did we go wrong?" He asked, shifting his intense gaze between Jack's eyes.
"I don't..." the other man said quietly, a little taken aback by Philip's acceptance of the news then wondering how long he'd known for. "When did you find out?"
Philip bit his lips together then sniffed. He laid his hand gently against Jack's bristle-covered cheek as his thumb stroked the side of the short nose. "When you gave me that goodbye that day, so unlike any you'd given me before, I was alarmed. Then when Graham came home from work and told me you didn't go with the team I didn't know what to expect. I thought he was joking. I just didn't understand why, if you didn't go away with your team, why hadn't you called me? You knew I was worried about you."
Jack's mouth moved in what might have been an apology, but it was too low to be heard by Philip.
He went on, "Then Grae came home on the Thursday and asked if I'd spoken to you yet and when I said I hadn't, he told me that you'd retired that day - rather suddenly and very unexpectedly. I didn't believe him, at first. I mean, if you were thinking of retiring, why wouldn't you have told me?"
Jack chewed at his bottom lip.
"So when you did - finally - call me, it wasn't to say that you'd been safe all week, or that you'd retired or anything," he paused then wet his lips as he said, "It was to tell me you needed time alone with Daniel..."
"Arg, crap!" Jack sighed loudly as he slapped his hand over his eyes.
"And I thought, well okay, he needs time for something. Something that you needed to share with Daniel.. something like, perhaps, your retirement. You seemed so nervous to ask for the private time, and that only added to my concerns. But I told myself that you were faithful. That you wouldn't do to me what John did.."
"No, baby.. never!" Jack implored him to believe it.
Philip didn't want to get into the 'scene' that greeted him when he arrived that day after spending the night in the hospital having tests. Jack didn't need to know how much seeing the two of them snuggled together near the sofa had hurt him too. Instead, he simply said, "And, besides, I had to go to the hospital anyway.."
Jack nodded then dipped his face to kiss Phil's palm before looking into the shimmering black eyes once more.
"So I gave you the time you needed and before I came over I made Graham tell me - and I have to add here that it was only after much persistence and nagging on my behalf - he told me that your retirement was 'highly classified'. I figured that retiring to care for your dying lover wasn't really 'highly classified' stuff, maybe 'classified', but not highly.." He shrugged sharply.
"Oh, god..."
Philip nodded then smoothed his fingertips over Jack's graying brow, stopping to touch the scar that dissected his left eyebrow. "So, am I right? Is that why you had to see Daniel the night I stayed in the hospital? To tell him?"
Jack nodded silently. Philip swallowed then cuddled him to his chest. "I'm sorry. That can't have been easy!"
Jack wrapped his arms around Philip tightly then sighed loudly, his breath blowing over the naked man's chest. "It wasn't." Suddenly the smoky brown eyes widened as Jack realized something. "That's when you had your CT scan, wasn't it? That night you stayed in the hospital?
Philip nodded. "Yeah, I did." He sighed heavily then said, adjusting the rug around his shoulders, "I had a lot of time to sit there and think about what it could all mean. I came to the conclusion that you'd contracted the disease, too. It seemed the only plausible explanation to me. Other than you were in an affair with Daniel and couldn't bear to leave the base while he was away. I gather he still went on that mission to wherever it was you were worried about going to?"
"Yeah, he did."
Philip nodded. "Thought so. I don't know why they made you stay back from the mission, or why they let you hang around. I'm guessing it was some pretty persuasive tactics on your behalf to remain on base while Daniel was off with the team in case he was hurt."
"In case any of my team was hurt," Jack corrected him.
"Yeah, but technically, they weren't your team anymore," Philip said.
"Yes they were, they didn't retire me until the Thursday.."
Philip smile grew, like a detective whose suppositions were finally coming to fruition at the end of a novel.
"Which leads me back to the curious reason of why they didn't let you go in the first place. My guess was... you were too sick to go. And it was my guess that you only just found that out that Tuesday morning."
Jack sighed. "You should have been a Private Eye."
Philip smiled sadly. "Guess I've read one or two detective novels in my time!"
"So, you're right," Jack said, flatly. "I did find out on that Tuesday. Janet told me just as we were getting ready and because the mission was dangerous, I wasn't allowed to go. They assigned me to desk duty and pretty much left me alone for the day. Actually, I don't think they knew what to do with me. General Hammond was so occupied with the team off wor...wandering around that he just left me to wander the halls, dazed and mystified."
He pursed his lips and gave a shrug as he watched Philip nod empathetically. "With my team off base I couldn't bring myself to leave until they were safely home again.." He sighed. "I'm sorry, baby. I should have called you but.." He added another shrug, "well, to be honest, I was a wreck!" Jack waved his hand by his head now.
Philip nodded again. "That's understandable."
"After the team returned, all safe, we had debrief and then I was called into Hammond's office." Clenching his jaw as the distaste of the events of that day still weighed heavily on his mind, Jack went on to tell him, "and was *asked* to retire. To save face, basically," he added bitterly.
Philip bit his lips together a moment. "But couldn't you have just.. stopped going on these dangerous missions? Stayed with that desk duty, surely?"
Jack closed his eyes. "I'm not a desk jock, Philip."
"So you'd rather be retired than to stay and work behind a desk?" The librarian found that hard to comprehend. "You make desk jobs sound like the most banal thing in the world.."
"For me," Jack told him honestly, "they are."
Philip held his gaze and then nodded as he looked away. "My very own Action Man."
"Not so Action Man these days," Jack said. Philip sighed and then yawned. The older man rose to his feet, dropping his young lover off his lap carefully. "How about we go to bed?"
Philip looked up at him. "Can we still talk?"
"Sure," Jack said, wrapping his arm around his shoulders and holding the rug in place as they headed down the hall.
End of part 33
Stories on this page are the property of Nessessitee and Slida. Please do not copy these without the written permission of the Author. All Rights are acknowledged for MGM, Gekko and Stargate Productions as to the Copyrights of the characters within this story and no infringement on the copyrights are intended. For the Bombshells Series the character of Philip Simmons is entirely the creation and intellectual property of Nessessitee and Slida.
While the performances given by RDA and MS help to fuel the author's desire to write for their characters in a niche that she feels is present on the actual show, the portrayal of their characters in loving relationships in no way reflects the Author's opinion of the men's private life, nor should it be construed in that manner.