Part 34
As he pulled back the bedding Jack said to the man getting in the other side, "One thing I don't get though -" He slid his pants off then knelt on the bed. "When we had that fight last night you said you were terrified of giving this to me. But you already knew?"
Philip rolled his eyes then hugged his knees to his chest. "No, I suspected. Up until tonight I only suspected you had this, too."
"Ah," Jack nodded, leaning back onto his elbows. "Yet when you went to work this morning you said you'd been through this .. that made me think, too."
"I wanted you to realize that it was okay to tell me. I know you, Jack, you wouldn't want me to know you had it. You'd suffer in your noble silence to save my feelings..." Philip snuggled against the side of his lover, resting his head on the join of Jack's arm and his chest.
"Something like that," Jack muttered, wriggling to get comfortable, then he pointed and twirled his finger as he said, "Only without the noble bit. I don't feel very noble.."
Philip smiled sadly. "No, neither do I." Sighing and adjusting his head on Jack's shoulder he said, "I was luckier than you." Jack's brows came together in a deep frown. Philip explained, "I didn't 'see' my future. I'm stumbling through it blindly. Whereas you.." he trailed his finger along the dark hairs lining Jack's stomach to his navel, "you're watching it all unfold for me and that.. that's gotto be.. frightening."
Jack pursed his lips, arched a brow then sighed as he shrugged.
"Point taken," Philip said gently then placed a kiss on the soft stomach.
Jack's fingers started to lightly caress some curls off Philip's temple. He turned his face and pressed his lips to the high forehead as he asked, "What the hell were we fighting about last night? Before.. before you told me?"
Philip gave a soft scoff of a laugh. "Who knows? Anything and everything, knowing us."
They both laughed gently at that and Jack said, "It was pretty damn important at the time though." He yawned, shifting against the other body.
"Aren't all arguments like that?' Philip commented as he tickled his fingertips through the hairs on Jack's chest. He realized that there were no dog-tags anymore. He pressed against Jack's chest as he sat up slightly. "Your tags?"
Jack lifted his hand to wrap a curl around his finger. "I'm not part of the military anymore."
"Oh, of course," Philip nodded and settled against his chest again. He traced his index finger around a brown nipple then through the tuft of hairs and onto the twin nipple.
They lay in silence a moment then Jack asked, "Philip, did you really think Danny and I were having an affair?"
Phil lifted his eyes to meet Jack's gaze. "I'm not sure if I believed it, or wanted it.."
"Wanted it?" Jack asked, tucking his chin under so that he could look down at Philip.
"That day that I came in and found you and Daniel..." He paused then pressed on. "You were both intimately entwined.."
"We were?" Jack asked sounding surprised.
Philip nodded and said, "Yes. In fact, you rubbed your face in his groin as you woke up."
"I did not!" Jack protested gruffly.
"Yes, you did.." Philip told him with a smile.
Jack thought about it a moment then went, "Hm," before trying to recall that. He couldn't.
"Anyway, I thought about it then and realized that it wasn't such a bad thing for you to have Daniel.. you know.. after.."
Jack shook his head and brushed his fingers down Phil's nose. "You know that's not gonna happen, don't you?"
Philip smiled. "Yes I do - now." He didn't have the heart to tell Jack that it was his conversation with Daniel, alone in his room that evening, that reassured him that the two of them were not in a relationship, rather than anything he was hearing now. Lightly he stroked his thumb across the fine lines under Jack's eye now and out to the laugh-lines at the corner of them. "Who else would put up with you?" He teased.
Jack laughed and tucked an arm under his head. "I was just thinking the same thing."
"Who else would put up with me?"
"No," Jack gave a smile. "Me." They both laughed quietly then Jack cupped the back of Phil's head and pulled him closer to kiss his brow. Pulling back, Jack looked into the dark eyes and asked, earnestly, "If I ask you something, will you be totally honest with me?"
Philip blinked. "I'm not hiding anymore secrets Jack."
With a nod, the older man accepted that, but he said, "You didn't stop your medication because you thought I'd be better off with Danny, did you?"
Adjusting himself so that he was comfortable for the conversation, Philip said, "No. When Janet told me that there was a shadow on my liver I just wondered what the point was to my taking the pills. They weren't working. I felt terrible and the cancer was spreading. What was the point?"
Jack nodded.
"But if you want me to, I'll go back on them," Philip said. "If you want to buy us a little more time?"
Jack closed his eyes and shook his head. "Baby, I'd sell my soul to Satan if I thought it would buy us some time, but not at your expense. I want you to be as comfortable as you can." His hand lightly brushed Philip's back and he felt the young man tense. He moved his hand away and Philip relaxed. He realized that his lover just felt uncomfortable about being touched in certain places. Jack understood that totally. He moved his hand up to cup the thin shoulder instead.
"Yeah, besides what's the point of prolonging the inevitable?" Philip said.
Jack shook his head. "Jesus, Philip.. It's not prolonging.."
"Makes more sense to just end your torture."
"End my torture?" Jack asked, shifting so he could look at him easily.
"We both know what it will mean to our relationship once I start getting really sick.." Philip said emotionlessly.
Jack closed his eyes and tried not to dwell on the time when they might hate each other - as patient and carer - not as lovers. He knew he would always love Philip - even beyond his death - but he was realistic too and understood the trauma, the heartache and the despair that accompanied watching the man you love fade before your very eyes. Glimpses had already showed him what a hot temper Philip had, too. In their first few months, Jack never saw it, but as time marched on, and as the disease took hold, Philip's patience grew taut, sometimes to the point of breaking even over the minutest things, like a box of tissues being left empty instead of being replaced. Reading and researching helped Jack to understand that this was all part and parcel of the whole epidemic. One minute he'd be up - the next he'd be down. It was one hell of a roller-coaster ride to come!
"It's inevitable," Philip continued fatalistically. "I don't want that for us." He shifted his gaze into Jack's eyes again and smiled as he touched his finger to the long dimple down the ruggedly handsome face. "We've had such a great time.. this past year has been so special to me."
"Me too," Jack agreed, threading his fingers into the long, black hair.
"Then you can understand that I'd rather die without drugs. I've a living will, I don't want to be resuscitated.."
Jack screwed his eyes shut and looked away. Philip's hand continued to gently caress him as he allowed him time to come to grips with the conversation. Soon Jack blew out a loud breath, then steeled himself to look back at his lover.
"Before we start planning your.. death.. are you sure there's nothing else we could try?"
With a heavy sigh, Philip told him, "There is a drug I could try..." He broached the subject cautiously.
Jack frowned then said, "What is it?"
"It's a liposomal drug."
"What's that?" Jack asked with a shrug.
"It's something Grae looked into for me during his most recent trip to Canada."
"Didn't know he'd been again."
"A few times now. He loves it there. Anyway, these are just standard drugs that are put inside microscopic bubbles of fat or liposomes, but they are meant to have fewer side effects than the usual chemo does and according to the research, it's supposed to target the cancer cells more effectively."
Jack shifted to look at him more closely. "So why the hell aren't you on it?" he asked.
"It's expensive and only available in Canada. Graham told me we should move there.."
"I don't think so!" Jack said, tightening his grip and dragging Philip across his stomach and chest. The young man's leg dropped between Jack's thighs and he felt the soft, flaccid groin against his hipbone. The sensation made him smile.
"That's what I told him," he said with a soft chuckle as he leaned his forearms against Jack's chest.
The silver-haired man shifted his right foot; bringing it up so that his knee was bent and his inside thigh leaned against the man above him. "Good. And don't worry about the money. We'll find it.."
"How?" Philip sighed as he reached down and bit Jack's chest hairs between his lips. "Neither of us have a job now..."
Jack closed his eyes then sighed. "We'll talk to Janet. If it's going to help you.." He pressed a kiss to Phil's forehead. "We'll look into it."
"Nice dream, hun," the younger man dismissed the implied promise as he laid his head against Jack's chest, his mouth pressed into the tuft of chest hairs.
Jack looked around his house then wondered if it wasn't such a dream after all. The house should fetch a good price on the market and it wasn't like he was going to need it ... soon.
After a long silence, Jack said, "This place in Canada..."
Philip looked up at him and frowned. "What are you planning?"
Jack merely arched his brow slightly. Philip pursed his lips then settled down again. Grumbling softly, he said, "Jonathan, we are not stealing off in the middle of the night to go and live in Canada.."
Jack's eyes continued to scan the room around them as he tried to hatch a plot in his mind.
*
Partway through the night Philip woke up coughing violently. Jack was shaken awake as well and automatically crawled to the end of the bed, crossed to the set of drawers and withdrew a set of sweats. He brought them back to the bed and then held them out to Philip. He heard the sound of Philip's coughing change, and he slotted an eye open.
Through his coughs, Philip was laughing. "Jesus Jack. You did that in your sleep!" He collapsed into a fit of coughs. Jack rolled his eyes and squatted, threading the pants onto the skinny legs then he shimmied them up towards the knees. Carefully he tugged Philip to his feet and pulled the pants up over the almost non-existent rump. Then he reached down for the top and gathered it all at the neck-hole and plopped it over Philip's head. Threading Phil's arms through the armholes he then tugged the hem of it down to completely cover the tiny body.
He looked up into the brown eyes, watery from the convulsions and coughs, and asked, "What?"
Philip coughed to clear his throat then he said, "Bet you were a great father."
Jack's face twitched with a smile then he shrugged. "I'll get your neb.." he said before leaving the room. Philip lay down again, pulling the blankets up to his ears as he continued to cough.
By the time Jack returned Philip could barely breath. He was propped up on one out-stretched arm and he leaned forward, wheezing to drag in precious air.
As he'd neared the room Jack could hear the battle for breath inside and broke out into a run to reach Phil's side quickly. It was clear that he'd been struggling for a while, his face was deep purple, his eyes bulged and his veins stood out on his forehead and throat. Jack hurried to set up the neb as he constantly reassured Philip with calming words.
Soon he had the vial open and, with a shaky hand, poured the Albuterol into the bulb on the mask, then he mixed in a squirt of saline. Both men fumbled to get the mask on Phil's face, Jack opting to just hold it against him until Philip could suck in the first few breaths to allow the medication in to do its job and open up his congested airways.
Soon Philip's frantic breaths slowed and his chest began to rise and fall more steadily. His face returned to his normal color and his eyes closed over, his whole body weary from the fight for life. Slowly Philip began to slink back against the pillows and Jack, still holding the mask, went with him. His other hand gathered up the elastic and fitted it around Phil's head now and he was finally free to sit back on his heels, his hands rubbing his face roughly as he realized how close they came to some kind of disaster. He made a mental note to be sure he knew where the machine was at all times now - as they'd only used it for regular medication, he'd forgotten where they'd used it last and took a few moments to locate it. Now he realized just how deadly that could be. In fact, he told himself, he'd go and buy another unit tomorrow, to keep at the other end of the house. It wasn't like he couldn't donate it to some place after..
Wearily, Philip lifted his trembling hand and moved the mask slightly. "Sorry."
Jack's eyes sprung open and he knelt up, his knee protesting but he ignored it. "Nothing to be sorry about. Just.. we sleep fully dressed from now on!"
Philip smiled weakly then replaced his mask as he closed his eyes and lay down again.
Once the machine had finished pumping the medication into Philip's lungs Jack carefully eased the mask from the sleeping man. He turned the unit off and left it beside the bed. Then he climbed across his partner, switched his light down to the lowest setting and laid on his side, watching Philip sleep.
*
When Jack woke late the next morning he reached for Philip but the bed was empty. He sat bolt upright and looked around. Throwing off the blankets he grabbed his robe and tied it haphazardly around his waist while rushing through the quiet house. He skidded to a stop at the top of the steps when he saw Philip, teacup in hand, standing and staring out at the rain in the back garden.
"Hello," the serene man said with a smile, having heard Jack come down the hall.
The colonel skipped down the steps and crossed to him, pulling him into a crushing hug. "Wow..." He frowned once Jack let him go. "What's that for?"
Jack stared at him a long moment then shrugged. "Because."
Philip smiled and shrugged too. "Well, great. I think."
Jack gave a quick, hesitant smile then he peered into the cup on Phil's hand. "Want a top up?"
"Sure," the young man held the cup out. Watching Jack go now, he called out, "Agh, Jack."
"Yeah?" The older man turned to look at him. Philip thought he looked gorgeous in the diffused light from the large window.
Smiling he asked him, "You gonna greet me like this every morning?"
Jack thought about that a moment then said, "Might."
Philip pulled a face as he shrugged then said, "Cool."
"Cool?" Jack asked, not questioning the word but ensuring that the attention was appreciated.
"Yeah, Weird... but cool," Philip said with a growing smile. Jack turned on the spot and headed up towards the kitchen.
Philip turned back to the window, listening to his lover's tuneful whistling from the kitchen. He went back to his thoughts. He wondered how Jack would react if he requested to be cremated and have his ashes scattered in this garden. He loved this garden so much and he wanted to be with Jack, in some way, for the rest of his life. Lowering his eyes, Philip hoped that Jack had a few good years still of good health in him. Philip knew of some HIV positive people who lived quite normal lives for years after diagnosis, some up to ten years. He hoped Jack was one of the lucky ones and went on to a life that long. Maybe by then they would have a cure for this disease, who knew?
Jack reached around him and put the teacup on his hands. Brushing his lips against Phil's little ear, he asked, "What'cha thinking?"
"That I want to be cremated and the ashes scattered in this garden."
Jack straightened up and tilted his head around to see Phil's face. "Excuse me?"
Philip sighed then said, "I wondered if you would scatter my ashes.. if not here.. at least in some garden. I want to be where rain can fall on me again."
Jack closed his eyes and pressed his thumb and forefinger into his sockets as he perched himself on the arm of his sofa. "Oh, cheery early morning banter, I see."
Philip laughed softly. "I'm sorry hun, but you did ask."
"You could have lied. Could have said you were counting the rain drops or something," Jack tossed his hand towards the wet window. Philip grinned.
"Sure. Okay. I'll remember that for next time."
A smiled twitched on Jack's face as he brought his cup of coffee to his mouth. "Please do."
They both laughed softly then Philip said, "I'm sorry about last night. I tried to remain calm.."
Serious once more, Jack said, "Not your fault. I couldn't find the damn unit. It was behind the armchair."
"Oh." Philip nodded.
"Won't happen again. I'll pick another one up today and we'll have one at both ends of the house."
Philip rolled his eyes but wasn't going to object. Besides, he told himself, Jack could always donate it to some charity if he didn't need it himself..
"Are you going out today?" Philip asked.
"Yeah," Jack said, tossing his hand beside his head. "Just a few thing to organize."
Philip nodded. "I have to go to work and get some of my stuff.."
"Want help?"
Philip thought about that then nodded sadly. "I'll need it, but I've got to arrange a full day where I can get in there and extract my things from the stuff that was there before I came."
Jack sighed and rose to his feet. He wrapped one arm around his lover and kissed the side of his head. "They in a hurry for the office?"
"No," Philip said, placing his cup on the hearth beside him. "Todd's taking my position so.."
"Todd?" Jack frowned and leaned back to look at Philip's profile. The young man shrugged.
"They needed someone who could run the place straight away. Obviously it was beyond me, things were getting out of hand in there. Todd used to be my supervisor in Arlington."
"Let me guess. Things started to go bad once Todd arrived?"
Philip frowned and looked over his shoulder at Jack. "What are you saying?"
The older man shook his head. "Nothing, baby," he said, not wanting to say anything against Philip's friend. "Just forget it."
The artist nodded then said, as he watched Jack walk away, "I gave that some thought too, you know." The older man stopped on the bottom step and looked at him. Wordlessly he nodded and went to the kitchen.
"Have you eaten?" He called through the dining room window.
"Not yet."
"Omelet?"
"Thanks." Philip smiled then turned to look out of the window again.
Somewhere in the background, Jack turned on the CD that had been left in the portable stereo unit in the kitchen. It was Queen's 'Made in Heaven' CD and at random play it picked up track two, the title track.
He remained there, watching the rain fall, and listening to Jack's attempt to match Freddy Mercury's incredible voice, and not doing too bad a job really. He suddenly realized that he felt happy - deeply happy - something that he hadn't really felt in a while. He could get used to this life. Just him and Jack, home with no responsibility to anyone or anything else, just to each other.
"When sunny skies break through the rainy clouds.. I wish it could last forever."
Philip heard those words above everything else and smiled to himself. He missed standing in the rain and really hoped that Jack would agree to his request. Closing his eyes he recalled a few of the times he stood out in the rainfall. One such memory was from this very yard, with an umbrella at Jack's insistence, during the first week of his and Jack's relationship. It was the night of their first dinner - and their first break up, too. He touched his finger to the faint scar on his temple as he remembered that night. That part wasn't so good to remember but Philip accepted the bad in this relationship with the good. He watched the rain pool on a particular patch of ground and recalled what it was like to stomp through puddles. He felt an overwhelming urge to run out in the rain right now and turned but Jack was behind him. He stopped in mid-flight and said, "Oh, I didn't know you were there."
Jack shrugged and handed over the plate of omelet. Philip smiled and followed him to the dining room to sit at the table.
"What did I interrupt?" Jack asked as he dragged his chair out.
Philip chewed his bottom lip then said, "Oh, I was.. just.. counting the rain.."
Jack paused halfway into sitting down and he lifted his eyes to meet the happy gaze. "Oh?"
Philip laughed then said, "No, I was tempted to stand in the rain."
Sitting down now, Jack said, "Probably not a good idea."
Philip screwed his face up and shrugged. "Maybe not."
Jack eyed him a moment longer then concentrated on his breakfast.
"You going anywhere today?" Philip asked.
Jack frowned then said, "Just out. Remember? We discussed this already."
Philip's dark brows knitted together then he shrugged. "Okay," he said, but didn't sound like he did remember that conversation at all.
End of part 34.
Stories on this page are the property of Nessessitee and Slida. Please do not copy these without the written permission of the Author. All Rights are acknowledged for MGM, Gekko and Stargate Productions as to the Copyrights of the characters within this story and no infringement on the copyrights are intended. For the Bombshells Series the character of Philip Simmons is entirely the creation and intellectual property of Nessessitee and Slida.
While the performances given by RDA and MS help to fuel the author's desire to write for their characters in a niche that she feels is present on the actual show, the portrayal of their characters in loving relationships in no way reflects the Author's opinion of the men's private life, nor should it be construed in that manner.