Part 51
When Jack woke again it was much later and he was alone. Rolling onto his back he looked at the window and saw the snow falling outside. He eased the bedding off and then reached for his pajama pants, still crumpled at the end of the bed. After he pulled them on he grabbed his gown from the end of the bed and padded, in bare feet, to the other end of the house.
He went to the living room and found Philip, sitting on the sofa, his knees to his chest and a cup of tea resting on his knees.
"Morning," Jack announced happily.
"Hey," Philip said, sounding a little distant. He didn't even bother to turn his head towards Jack as he came into the room -he just kept staring ahead at the television screen.
"What are you watching?" Jack asked as he slid in next to him on the sofa.
"Television," Phil responded abruptly then gave a sigh as he shifted along the sofa, putting some space between him and Jack. The older man frowned slightly at that move.
"How are you feeling now?" He asked reaching over to plant a kiss on Phil's cheek, but the other man shied away. Jack squinted an eye slightly as he tilted his head. "Philip, have I done anything to make you angry?"
"No," the younger man sighed then fluttered his lashes a moment before turning to look at the confused gaze in his lover's eyes. He reached out and cupped his hand over Jack's forearm as he said, with an attempt at a smile, "I'm just being a bastard."
"Okay," Jack said cagily. "Any particular reason why? Or was it just your turn again?"
Philip gave a half-hearted smile now. "Just that time of month for me," he said, rubbing Jack's arm lightly.
Jack wasn't convinced by the performance, however, and saw that it was taking a lot for Philip to give, even that much. His mood, Jack realized, must have been quite black at the moment.
Reaching his hand out to cup Phil's shoulder he gently squeezed as he moved to sit slightly behind him then massaged his tight shoulders and neck. "You wanna share with me?"
"Not really," Philip said with a soft sigh.
"Go on," Jack tried to keep his tone light. "Bet you'd feel better..."
"I might," Phil said then looked at him briefly. "But you wouldn't."
Jack considered that a moment then tilted his head slightly. "Okay. So is it anything I've done?"
Philip leaned back against him and in doing so, tugged Jack's arms around him to cuddle him. "No. I've already said it's not your fault." He picked up one of Jack's hands and kissed the backs of his fingers. "I'm just low."
The older man cuddled him closer. "That's okay, baby. You can be low."
They sat in companionable silence for a while then Phil sighed and got up, leaving the room, and Jack.
For a few moments Jack sat there, wondering about the thoughts that were darkening Phil's mind, then he too got up and went into the kitchen on the pretence of making himself a late breakfast.
By the time he'd cooked the bacon and eggs, made the toast and brewed the coffee Philip was back on the sofa. The man was now fully dressed and tugging on his last boot.
Carrying his handful in carefully, Jack said, "Did you want something?"
The way Phil's throat constricted and his mouth tightened, Jack could see that the thought of food was making him nauseous. Because of that, Jack chose to sit in the single chair while he ate, leaving Philip to the cluttered sofa.
With Philip spending so much of his time in this room, either painting or watching television, most of his needed possessions were in here constantly - keeping the room in a constant state of disarray. On the sofa was a double bed blanket, sprawled out over the seat of the sofa. That probably bothered Jack the most - more than the pile of items on the coffee table, including an old tissue box jam packed with used tissues, or the splatter-sheet under the easel in the corner of the room. The reason the blanket on the sofa bothered him the most was because every time he'd go to sit down, the damn thing would bunch under him in an uncomfortable mass, or he'd get his feet tangled in it whenever he moved or the thing would start to slide off the seat, and the constant edging off would become annoying.
"Jack," Philip said out of the quietness.
"Yup?"
"I'm going to the store. Do you want anything?"
"I'll go for you, what do you want?"
"I want to go to the store," Philip said, as he carefully stood, his back aching slightly with the movement. Jack noted his stiffness but said nothing.
"Well, while you're down there, do you want to get a paper and some more milk?"
Philip smiled briefly then felt for his car keys. "I won't be long. I'll call if I get held up. Maybe I'll go and see if Grae's home?"
Jack nodded, realizing that that was probably Phil's main objective all along - to go and see his brother. With a shrug he said, "Sure. If that's what you want to do."
Philip nodded then said, "Yeah, it's.. it's what I want to do."
The older man shrugged again. As much as he would love to spend every minute of his down time with his lover, he knew that Philip had rights to do what he wanted to as well. It was clear that he was depressed about something - most probably a combination of John's recent death, the show about suicide last night and the news about his failing meds. Jack figured all that was enough to throw the most stable of minds into a pit of depression, let alone one as volatile as Phil's was these days. It was much wiser to just nod and let him go than it was to express concern about him going out in the state he was in.
His plan of action must have been right because before he left, Phil stopped and kissed the top of his head.
"Won't be long, love," he told him. Jack waved his fork and mumbled through his mouthful of food, then, once he heard the front door close, he reached for the remote control and turned the volume up.
*
Philip spent many hours catching up with Graham again over a lunch that the older brother prepared for them. As they ate - a meal that Phil barely touched - they discussed the logicality of packing away some of Philip's items already, and the young man even suggested he start to pass them out, so that it wasn't such a big job for Graham when the inevitable happened. While Graham didn't really want to discuss this, he could see that Philip needed to.
After lunch, they slowly walked to the store together to buy the items that both households seemed to need, namely bread, milk and the paper. Graham carried both bags as they headed home once more - choosing to cut through the park on Mainland Street, opposite Daniel's apartment block. As they ambled down the bitumen path - while being dodged by rollerbladers and bike riders - they started to discuss Phil's recently changed Will. Up until that point, Graham had no idea that Philip was considering leaving him the house in Arlington.
"No way," the lieutenant said, in sheer surprise when Philip announced the generous gift.
"Why not? Not like Jack's going to want it," Philip said flatly.
"But why me?"
"Because you're my brother," the younger man paused his steps and took a few deep breaths before he continued, "and you've said before that you'll put in for a transfer to Washington when I go."
"But I didn't mean to imply.."
Holding his hand up, Philip said wearily, "You didn't imply anything, Grae. I just picked up on it when we were talking one day, and.. well, I really want to do this for you." He took in a few more large intakes of air then continued to walk. "You'll probably want to sell the damn thing - which will be fine by me, by the way-"
Graham walked at his shoulder and lowered his head as he nodded. "I'll be frank with your Philip, I don't think I could live there. Not knowing that it's the place that you.. well .."
"That I shared with John? I know. That's why you have my blessing to sell it." The two men were about to pass a park bench when Philip eased himself down onto it carefully, groaning as he exerted even that energy. Graham, surprised by the sudden stop, turned and went back to the bench and sat beside him. He looked over the pallid face, noticing the perspiration across Phil's forehead and was about to check to see if he was all right when Philip started talking again, as he watched children playing on nearby equipment.
"It's also why I haven't even considered giving it to Jack. He doesn't need the house that I contracted this disease in..." He looked at his brother. "Not like you need it either, it's just that I don't have anything else to give you of much worth otherwise and I know that the house will fetch a great price on the market.."
Graham shook his head slowly. "You don't have to leave me anything, Phil."
"Yes, I do." A weak smile creased the heavy beard as Philip stared into his brother's eyes. "You've always been there for me."
"Isn't that a little more the other way around?" Graham snorted.
"No. I leaned on you pretty heavily, especially during the dark days.."
The two sets of brown eyes met again and Graham's dry lips parted slightly as tilted his head, not wanting to remember the dark days after Philip found him again in Arlington and told him the devastating news that he'd discovered John cheating on him. Without hesitation, Graham had organized to have Philip out of that house and back in his own small apartment, never once complaining about having to adjust his life to accommodate his homeless brother. Then, when they were here in Colorado Springs, Philip received the phone call that changed his life forever and once more Graham was there for him, day and night, holding him and helping him though the trauma..
They were very dark days...
"I couldn't tell you then.." Philip coughed down his building emotions. "And.. I.. I don't think I can even tell you now, but .." He tried to smile but it trembled too much, and Graham shook his head then reached over and hugged his distraught brother.
"It's okay, It's okay," he cooed quietly into Phil's ear. "I know. I've always known.."
Philip wrapped his arms around Graham's sturdy body and buried his face in his neck. "Thank you," he whispered.
After a few moments of consoling each other, Graham eased back and peered at the down-turned face. "You okay?"
The slightly wheezing young man nodded and then sniffed harshly as he looked around, blinking out the tears in his eyes.
"Sure? You're shivering?" Graham said, rubbing his brother's arms through the thick coat he was wearing.
"I'm a little cold," Phil confessed. Graham nodded and twisted to pick up the bags of groceries again.
"Let's go," he said, standing quickly then frowning as he watched Philip get to his feet a lot more slowly and with flinches of pain. "Phil?"
Holding his hand up, the young brother said, "I'm okay.." He drew in a deep breath as he finally straightened up. "I'm just stiff. It's the cold weather.."
Graham nodded then said, "What if I take you to Todd's? You can wait and I'll bring the car?"
"I don’t want to go to Todd’s,” he said sharply then softened with a slight tilt of his head as he added, “No, I'll be fine. I wanted the walk.” They took a few more steps and Phil continued his conversation, “I mean, apart from the fact that it seems pointless to go around the block for just the car, Todd would be at work at the moment anyway." He walked slowly beside his hesitant brother. "I'll be fine. If we take it slowly."
Graham nodded and shortened his steps even more.
The path they were on exited the park at the lights opposite Daniel's apartment block - the same set of lights that Philip had helped the woman in the car accident a few months ago. As they waited for the lights to change Philip noticed Graham's eyes were tilted up, and he followed the gaze. With a slight nudge of his shoulder he said to him, "If you'd asked me to wait in Daniel's place, now that might have been a different story.."
Graham lowered his eyes then said, "Really?"
A slight twinkle glinted in the young man's eyes briefly. "Well, you know, nothing like trying to help out a friend and my brother.."
"Well, for your information I was looking at Todd's balcony.."
"Yeah, maybe-" Philip shuffled across the street when the lights changed. "But it was Daniel you were thinking about."
"That a fact?" Graham said, hating it when his brother showed signs of knowing him so well.
"Yeah," Philip smiled briefly then flinched as he stepped up onto the pavement. The doors opened and Todd exited the building, with Sylvia in tow.
The four stood in silence for a moment, Graham sensing the distance between the once-good friends. He was the first to break the awkwardness.
"Todd. Long time, no see," he said, and then quickly looked at Sylvia. "Sylvia, isn't it?"
The older woman lowered her head as she blushed and mumbled an acknowledgement.
Philip tilted his face accusingly. "Public holiday I didn't know about?"
Todd held him with a direct stare. "Actually, Sylvia and I were just.."
Holding his hand up and halting Todd's words, Philip said to the woman who used to work with him, "How are your boys?"
She seemed taken back by the unexpected question but shrugged and said, "They're good. Michael's made the school's basketball team."
"Ah," Philip nodded, then with a tight smile he added, "and.. your husband?"
Sylvia shot a quick look at Todd then blushed more. "He's good. Away on business, as usual."
Nodding slightly, Philip said, "Of course he is. Well, it's been a treat bumping into the two of you, but I've got to go."
Graham, who'd been watching Todd's stricken expression the whole time, stepped back to allow his brother to go on down the road, and then he looked between the two of them before focusing on Todd.
"What?" the librarian asked.
"How long has this been going on?"
"That's none of your damn business," Sylvia spat but Todd eased her back with his hand on her arm.
Graham didn't even look at her but he remained in a locked stare with Todd.
"Todd?"
The taller man lowered his face. "It had nothing to do with him getting fired," he said.
"Really?"
Sylvia stepped up to Graham again. "Listen, he was sick and he was not able to do his job properly."
"Oh, and I'm sure that you, and you," he said, looking at Todd once more, "Really worked hard to help him."
"It's not our fault that he got sick.." Sylvia said. "He should have been more careful!"
Graham's jaw clenched as he bit down hard and stared into the woman's green eyes. "You should get out of my face now."
"Why?" She hissed. "Todd's told me how you've all been treating him since Philip got sacked.."
"Please," Graham said in a polite and controlled voice, "I'm asking you to back off, once more."
Sylvia didn't but Todd reached out and grabbed her shoulder and pulled her back away from Graham.
"Graham, you have to believe me, this had nothing to do with Philip being fired. *I* had nothing to do with anything that went wrong at the library.."
"You might not have.."
Sylvia bristled. "What are you implying?"
"Nothing," he said then looked back at Todd. "Well, as Phil said.."
Sylvia stepped forward, her face flushed pink. "Look, I want to know what you meant!"
Todd grabbed her shoulder and pulled her back again. "Let it go," he said, watching Graham walk away.
In the distance Graham could hear the two of them say, "Did you hear what he just implied?"
"If it's not true, then you have nothing to worry about," Todd was heard to say before Graham grew too far away to hear anything else.
By the time he had caught up with Philip he was around the corner and tears were on his cheeks.
"Hey," he said, putting his arm around him.
"I can't believe that. How long has that been going on?"
Graham shrugged. "Who knows." He squeezed Philip as he said, "You handled yourself very well back there."
"My stomach’s churning. I never expected this kind of reaction.”
“It was just a shock,” Graham said comfortingly.
“A shock! For crying out loud, you know what that looks like, don’t you?”
“Yeah, I know,” the older man cooed and tried to calm Phil’s breathless tirade.
The ailing man threw his head back and sniffed down his tears. “God, to think that I used to think of Todd as my best friend…”
“You’ve said a few times that you thought he was responsible for making you look bad..”
With a grimace, Phil said, “I might have said that, but I don’t think I really believed it - until now…” He wiped away his tears brutally. “ What the hell is Todd playing at?"
"Nothing," the deep voice came from behind them and the two men turned to see the flushed face of their old friend, who'd obviously ran to catch up to them.
"What the fuck is going on!" Philip yelled, his voice strained from distress.
"Hey, come on," Graham said, trying to sooth him, as Phil's breathing began to labor further.
"That wasn't what it looked like.." Todd insisted
"Sure? It looked like to me a man that I once loved.." Philip said, spitting out tears as he spoke, "Once trusted…. Is having it off with a former employee of mine. Ordinarily I wouldn't mind, but someone in that damn place had me fired for incompetence... so what was it? Conspiracy between the two of you?"
"No!" Todd pleaded as he stepped closer. Philip flinched away from him. "Baby please.."
"Don't call me that!" Philip hissed and backed away, into the arms of his brother.
"Look, this is probably not the place to be doing this," Todd suggested cautiously. "Let's go back to my place."
"No! This is the only place to do this," Philip retorted, as he glanced quickly at the man holding him up then back at Todd. "I don't want to go anywhere with you - ever again Todd."
"What have I done wrong?" The librarian pleaded.
"Try.. making me look incompetent to the Head Office.."
"That wasn't me!"
"But I bet it was your mistress.."
"Oh, come on, please, don't do this. Don't be like this. You're only upsetting yourself," Todd pleaded with him then looked at Graham for some help.
The lieutenant rubbed his brother's arm as he said, "He's right. You're getting all worked up.."
"Of course I'm getting worked up! This shit had me fired.."
"No, I didn't!" Todd cried out in exasperation.
Graham tightened his hold on Philip, who was trembling badly now. "Come on, I'm getting you home."
Philip glared at Todd, his eyes red and watery. "And another thing," he said, stepping forward and breaking away from the hold. "What the hell were you playing at with Daniel? Hasn't the guy been through enough? You insisted you wanted to meet him so I arranged it.." He paused and looked at Graham. "Sorry, Grae.."
"It's okay," the brother said quietly. Philip swallowed and then focused on the taller man again.
"So you were going to string him along as well?"
"No! I've told you.. this isn't what it looks like.."
"Did you or did you not just fuck that woman?"
"Philip!" Graham's head snapped up in surprise at the vehement question.
Todd's mouth flapped open then he lowered his chin and said, "Yes.... but.."
"Then how can it not be what it looks like?" Philip hissed.
"Because," Todd lifted his face then gave a slight cough as he said, "Because it was never an affair. It was only this once.."
"Oh, so we witness the birth of an affair?"
"No." Todd said, straightening up as he shoved his hands into his pockets. "What you saw was a goodbye.."
Both brothers frowned.
"I'm leaving," Todd admitted then coughed nervously again.
"When?" Graham asked.
"Tonight.."
Philip's mouth moved but nothing came out. Todd looked at him, his eyes soft and remorseful. "I wanted to tell you, Phil. I thought our friendship... what it was in the past.. deserved that much, but you never returned my calls.."
"Why didn't you say something when I was there the other week?" Phil's voice was considerably quieter now.
"Because I didn't put in for the relocation until a week ago."
"Why?" Graham asked and saw the pain flicker across Todd's expression.
"I thought that perhaps I'd burnt too many bridges here.." He focused on Philip again. "I'm sorry. I feel like I'm deserting you.."
"I'll be fine," Phil responded in a slightly choked voice.
Todd nodded then gave a half-hearted smile. "I figured you would be."
Graham sighed. "Todd, look, I'm sorry things grew so bad between us.."
"It's my fault," Philip interjected.
Todd shook his head. "It's no one’s fault."
"I blamed you for getting me fired."
Todd shrugged. "I didn't do enough to look out for you. Daniel was right. I should have tried harder.." He noticed the expression on Graham's face then smiled sadly. "And you win here, too."
The lieutenant frowned. "What's that mean?"
Philip watched Todd a moment then said, "It means that things between him and Daniel didn't work out..." turning to look at Graham he concluded, "Because of you."
"Me?" Graham frowned.
Todd looked into Phil's eyes once more and reached out to cup the bearded face. "And I never did cope well with my jealousy of Jack.."
The shorter man chewed his bottom lip after Todd's finger lightly swiped across it. "But you were only playing around..?"
Arching his brow, Todd said, "Was I?"
Philip frowned then shook his head. "Oh, God.. what have I done?"
Wetting his lips quickly the librarian said, "Nothing. You've done nothing wrong. I had fun for a while but it's time to move on. I never really did fit into this town."
Philip wilted into his brother's arms again. "Todd..'
The librarian came closer and tentatively wrapped his arms around the distress man. "It's okay," he whispered and then kissed Phil's ear lightly. "Maybe this is best for all of us.."
As he pulled back he cupped Phil's face in his hands and spoke to Graham but looked at Philip, "Will you email me, let me know how things.. progress?"
Both men nodded then Todd hugged Philip once more. "Bye, baby.."
Philip held him tightly as he whispered, "I'm so sorry.."
"It's okay," Todd whispered back. "This is better than I was hoping for. At least we part as friends, right?"
He felt the head nod against his shoulder. Squeezing Philip tighter he said, with all the passion that he felt it, "I love you, Philip."
The younger man pulled back and saw, through the tears, that Todd *really* meant that. He swallowed hard then nodded. Stepping back from each other they clasped hands then Graham said, "I'll keep in touch.."
"So will I," Philip assured him.
Todd smiled and said, "I'll look forward to that." He stepped back then with a quiver of a smile, turned and headed back towards his apartment, leaving the two men, dazed and bewildered, on the pavement behind him.
<End of part 51>
Stories on this page are the property of Nessessitee and Slida. Please do not copy these without the written permission of the Author. All Rights are acknowledged for MGM, Gekko and Stargate Productions as to the Copyrights of the characters within this story and no infringement on the copyrights are intended. For the Bombshells Series the character of Philip Simmons is entirely the creation and intellectual property of Nessessitee and Slida.
While the performances given by RDA and MS help to fuel the author's desire to write for their characters in a niche that she feels is present on the actual show, the portrayal of their characters in loving relationships in no way reflects the Author's opinion of the men's private life, nor should it be construed in that manner.