Part 67
Jack stared at the frost-covered lawn, illuminated eerily by the back porch light in the cold, windless night. It was the first time he'd stepped foot outside in over two days and he was now mesmerized by the way the light bounced off each icicle and created 'stars' in his eyes. The truth of it was - his eyes were watering and that was creating the 'stars' for him, but he was too numb to realize this.
The bitter night air clung to his warm skin and made his face and hands tingle, almost to the point of painful. He stood on the back porch and sucked in a deep breath, the sting as the icy air rushed into his nostrils and down his throat was almost breathtaking. His chest expanded beneath his sweater, remained wide until he slowly released it - creating a wall of frost vapor before him. He leaned forward and scooped up a handful of snow, patting it into a ball, then he stepped back from the railing and pitched the snowball - It landed clear across the back garden. He took a moment to cheer himself then he reached forward, leaned his hands against the banister and dropped his head low. What was he doing? Pitching a ball while the man he loved died slowly on his sofa inside? Jack wondered if he was going mad.
All day his thoughts had been bouncing back and forth between accepting the inevitable and refusing to allow it to happen. Even the companions in the house - there to assist him and to alleviate his stress - grated on his nerves most of the time. It wasn't their fault and Jack knew that, and it was for that reason he kept his mouth shut, his head down and his eyes closed. Graham had the right to be with his brother at the end, but for Jack - whenever he and Philip had talked about this - he only ever imagined it would be the two of them at the end.
Daniel stepped onto the back porch with him. "Jack, why don't you go and get some real sleep? Graham and I can sit with him tonight."
"No," the older man said obstinately.
"Jack.."
"Look, Daniel, I appreciate that you're both here for me and I know that Graham has every right to be here with Phil, but.." Jack looked up and the tired, red eyes settled onto Daniel's open gaze. "Phil's dying and.. I want to be there for him. If I can't do this.. then what the hell kind of partner am I?"
"He knows you're there for him - you've barely left his side in the past two days. It's not like you won't be close..."
"Danny, please!" Jack held his hand up to silence him. With a weak smile of apology for his abruptness he continued to say, "You're both welcomed to stay but please.. leave me alone, okay?"
Biting his lips together Daniel folded his arms over his chest as he nodded. "Okay. " He sighed loudly, creating a cloud of vapor. "Will it be okay with you if Graham sleeps in the spare room tonight then? I think he really needs to get a good night's sleep.."
Jack blinked as he lowered his head even further. "Sure, why wouldn't it be?"
In a gentle voice, Daniel said, "Because that was Phil's room."
The older man lifted his gaze and stared at his concerned friend. With a slow nod as he looked away again he said, "No, that's okay. He's welcomed to the bed.. If he wants to sleep in it."
Daniel nodded then swiped his lips quickly. "I'll leave you alone then."
"Thanks," Jack mumbled, not looking at him. Daniel hesitated a moment, reached his hand out and patted his friend's shoulder before he went back into the house.
Jack sighed heavily. He regretted the way he'd just treated Daniel. He knew he was only there to help but the fact that he wasn't alone, that he wasn't free to react to all this without an audience, added to his frustration. Ordinarily he'd have slammed something around, cried even, to release the pent up stress - but he could never do that with the others in the house.
Maybe he should have left Philip in the hospital, that way the whole possessiveness issue would never have raised its ugly head. Philip would be getting top-quality, around the clock attention and Jack wouldn't feel like the whole thing rested solely on his shoulders.
He closed his eyes as he felt a snowflake catch against his eyebrow and berated himself silently. It wasn't like Daniel and Graham were any damn trouble either! The two of them seemed to keep away as much as they could and were often barely a quiet conversation in a distant room or the soft sound of a spoon tinkering in a coffee cup from the kitchen. Most of the time Jack was left with Philip so why did he begrudge them so much?
He scooped up some frost and smeared it over his hot, bristled-covered cheeks then he ran his frozen fingers through his dirty, short gray hair as he expelled the air from his lungs loudly. He knew why he felt agitated, if he really wanted to analyze this thing. It was because things were coming to a close for him now but life - all around him - was still moving on. The faint sounds of the neighborhood around him, of vehicles rumbling down nearby roads, of televisions sets tuned into the game, of people laughing and talking as they entertained company in their homes, all reminded him of that fact alone. While *his* life was slowing to a halt, other people were moving along at the normal rate. And to an extent, that included the two men inside.
Discovering the two of them in the kitchen was unexpected, but definitely not unwelcomed, and Jack took some genuine consolation in the fact that while something was coming to an end in Graham's life, something else was beginning for him. Part of him welcomed the unexpected discovery and he appreciated that they had obviously tried to keep things between them discreet, but another part of him did wish that their happiness could wait - at least until *he* could wallow in his own misery in privacy.
But even that thought didn't serve his true feelings well. For he didn't care that Daniel and Graham were together - not in the least - he just wanted to be 'back there' with Philip again. He wanted to erase the wasted time, the heated arguments and the cold silences that happened between them. Why did they argue when they both knew their time was limited? Why didn't he fight harder and push the General into helping out in this situation? Why did he let Philip sleep alone so many nights?
He bowed his head as he clamped his eyes tightly against the mental image of lying alone, night after night, while wanting the man in the next room. How much time was wasted? Was being obstinate so important? Why couldn't he just accept some of the things Philip insisted upon, and asserted some of his own needs onto his lover at times? He knew now he should have stormed into Phil's room some nights and just 'taken' him - without warning, like Philip used to love so much. But towards the end things were so strange..... How would he change thing snow if he had the chance though?
As he threw his head back Jack lifted his hand and swiped it beneath his nose, rubbing away the tears of frustration that now scolded his cheeks.
"God damn it!" He hissed under his breath. "Why?" His hands tightened on the wooden rail of his porch as he stared up at the few stars peaking through the cloud cover.
The glass door slid open behind him but he didn't turn around because he didn't want whoever it was to see his tears.
"Jack?"
The sable colored eyes closed slowly. "Yeah?"
"I think you should come inside.."
Jack turned to look at Graham in the doorway. "What's wrong?" His throat tightened as he pushed past the younger man.
Graham grabbed him by the arm to stop him. "Dan's nebbing him at the moment..."
The colonel turned to look at him again. "He's ..?"
"He just started to breath erratically," the softly spoken man explained as he stepped back into the house and slid the glass door shut. "I thought you'd want to know.."
Jack stared into the cimmerian eyes. "I do, thanks." He glanced at the living room then back at the shorter man. "How long do you think?"
Graham inhaled a shaky breath. "I'm guessing it's going to be this side of dawn."
The older man slowly dropped his head back as he brought his hand up to his face. "Holy shit.."
"We, um, I called Mom and told her. She's going to try to get Poppa here."
Jack snorted derisively. "Like that's going to happen."
With a shrug, Graham said bluntly, "Well, he's the one that will miss out then, isn’t he."
"So will Philip," Jack said solemnly.
"Do you think he even knows?"
The older man did a double take and stared at the lieutenant. "He's still got his faculties, Simmons." Sharpness crept into his words but Graham simply nodded it away.
"Sure, but I don't think it's a priority for him at the moment. I think you being with him is his greatest need."
Jack swallowed. "Okay, well, I'll get in there then.."
"Jack," the quiet word halted the older man in his tracks. "Do you want us to go?"
"No," Jack said instantly then shrugged and added, "Philip's your brother.."
"But he's your partner. I expect that you'd like to be alone with him."
Closing his eyes, Jack sighed out loudly. "Yeah I do...." He said with some reluctance. "But are you ready to say goodbye to him?"
"No," Graham said honestly. "But in a week's time I won't be either - Time's irrelevant."
The colonel nodded. "Good point."
"How about I go with Daniel to the store and that way the two of you can have some time alone?"
The brown eyes blinked as they stared at the considerate man.
Graham smiled faintly. "We'll take the scenic tour back here. Give you about an hour, max?"
Jack nodded and said, quietly, "You sure you want to do that?"
Graham gave a slight shrug. "I think you need that, so does he. We'll be back in plenty of time, I'm sure."
The older man continued to stare at him. Slowly he nodded once more and said, "Thank you."
Graham gave him a slightly stronger smile. "We won't be long."
As he went to pass Jack the colonel said to him, "I know Philip would have been happy to know.." He shrugged when Graham looked up at him. "You know, about you and Danny.."
A polite smile now crossed Graham's face. "Yeah," he said.
"Like I said to Daniel earlier - I know neither of you are after my blessings but for the record... I'm glad to see this, too."
Another expression flickered across the young, handsome face before Graham said, "Well, I appreciate you saying that."
Jack gave a nod but Graham hadn't finished what he was saying. "But to be honest, it wouldn't have mattered this time if you did or didn't. I got a second chance today, Jack - and I'm not giving him up - for anyone."
The older man stared back at him silently as he recalled the strong words said to Jaheed in the hospital earlier that day. Yet, despite the brave words now Jack noticed some hesitation and uncertainty behind the black eyes.
"No disrespect meant.." the lieutenant finally added. That one little compensation showed Jack that it was probable that he meant more to Graham than Jaheed did -that the son didn't care that he flicked off his father, but the Lieutenant wasn't so confident of doing the same thing to his Colonel.
"None taken." Jack said honestly as a small smile tugged at the corner of his lips.
"Good," Graham said, as he dropped his chin to his chest. "If, um, going through this with Phil has taught me anything... it's that you grab at life with both hands and hang on. It's all too short."
"No matter how long it is," Jack said glumly. The other man nodded.
"Exactly." He looked up at the stars then said, "Phil taught me so much more than I could ever have taught him."
"I don't know," Jack said quietly, drawing the dark eyes to him once more. "I think you taught him stability and pride. I think he'd be proud of the way you handled your father this morning, too."
With a soft snort Graham shrugged. "He's always at me to stand up for myself a little more. It was easy for him. He grew up a little more sheltered than I did."
"I kinda gathered that, actually." The look in Jack's eyes clearly told Graham he knew that it was because of Graham that he had grown up sheltered.
"I've always been bullied," the young man confessed quietly. As he caught the expression on Jack's face he added, "I guess it just comes with the job."
Jack arched his brow silently.
"And for as long as I can remember Phil's tried to break me of that habit, and in his own way - he's succeeded. Like I said, he's taught me more.."
"You've shown him acceptance and compassion. He often told me he doesn't know what he would have done if you hadn't taken him in, after his break up with John."
Rolling his eyes, Graham gave a soft snort as he said, "He's my baby brother. Why wouldn't I have taken him in?"
Jack smiled amiably at the young man, a man who he'd come to regard highly over the past few days. "I don't know, I just think that there might be some families out there who would still turn their backs on him - especially once they discovered that he was infected.."
Graham's face tensed into a sharp smile as he kept his eyes diverted. "And there are some men who would have run a mile when he told them he was ill..." The dark eyes shifted and Jack met the gaze head on.
"Lucky for me they did," Jack said.
Graham's brow twitched then he said, "Lucky for him too, I think."
They fell into a companionable silence then Graham said, "So I guess I'll go to the store with Dan and we'll see you in about.. an hour?"
Jack felt a strange inner-peace as he looked into the young man's eyes. "Sure."
Graham held the intense stare a long moment then he muttered, "Okay." Together they entered the house in time to see Daniel start up the steps out of the living room.
"There you are," the blue eyes softened as they gazed at Graham.
The younger man reached for his coat and said, "I was just telling Jack I was going with you to the store."
Daniel looked between the two of them then frowned. "Okay. So, are you ready?"
Graham nodded as he shrugged on his thick coat. "Let's go. We'll see you Jack."
The colonel raised his hand over his head and gave a small wave then he shut the door after the two men had left.
<End of part 67>
Stories on this page are the property of Nessessitee and Slida. Please do not copy these without the written permission of the Author. All Rights are acknowledged for MGM, Gekko and Stargate Productions as to the Copyrights of the characters within this story and no infringement on the copyrights are intended. For the Bombshells Series the character of Philip Simmons is entirely the creation and intellectual property of Nessessitee and Slida.
While the performances given by RDA and MS help to fuel the author's desire to write for their characters in a niche that she feels is present on the actual show, the portrayal of their characters in loving relationships in no way reflects the Author's opinion of the men's private life, nor should it be construed in that manner.