Emcee: Hello and welcome to the Scarlet Pimpernel Dating Game! Our three contestants are awaiting your choice, (Three men in shadow, sitting on stools, wave) so let’s get started! Contestant #1, what is your favorite color?
#1: Ruby satin. It shimmers so. Rrrrrrrrrrr... (#2 rolls eyes) Or scarlet! That seems to be a pretty demned popular these days, eh what? (#2 gags) Oh, terribly sorry. Make you choke on your soup again?
Emcee: Hmm... let’s move on. Contestant #2?
#2: Black.
#1: Oh, but black’s so...
#2: BLACK!
Emcee: Okay, um, number 3?
#3: Pink. Or olive green.
(All fall silent.)
Emcee: Okay, next question! Contestant #2, let’s start with you this time. Do you have any special hobbies?
#2: Hobbies? All of my time is devoted to finding traitors to the Republic!
#1: Really, sir, you should try cricket. Far more healthier. Smaller chance you could snort pepper in cricket.
(#2 growls)
#1: Oh, I like you!
Emcee: Contestant #1?
#1: Cricket, sir. Or going to Paris to find smashingly new faaaabrics.
Emcee: Alright, next question...
(#3’s hand raises.)
#3 Uh... I think you forgot about me...
Emcee: If you want me to remember you’re here, you’re going to have to grow another couple of feet.
(#3 pouts)
Emcee: Well, if you’re going to be that way, we’ll just go on without you. What animal do you most resemble?
#1: Peacocks! Sink me! Think ye, sir! (Continues singing, while #2 speaks)
#2: I am a falcon in the diiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiive! (Also continues singing, holding incredibly long note. Javert, sitting in the audience, looks jealous.)
#3: People tell me I remind them of a little yippy dog. But I don’t think so. Do you? (In annoying dog voice) Do you? Do you? Do you?
Emcee: Alright, settle down. What was your favorite class in school?
#1: Home ec.
#2: Start A Revolution 101. It was a zero hour class.
#3: Falling-In-Love-With-A-French-Actress-And-Spoiling-Your-Leader’s-Plans. (All look at him strangely) Uh... Algebra?
Emcee: Alright, what was your most embarrassing moment?
#2: (Under breath) What? Beside coming on this show?
#1: Your trouble will be picking just one!
#2: Shut up.
#1: Calais, Paris, Bologne, Le Rat Mort...
#2: I said, SHUT UP! (#2 jumps from stool and must be restrained by guards)
Emcee: Please, #2! This is the Dating Game, not Jerry Springer! (#2 is restrained) Okay, next question. If you had to describe yourself in one word, what would it be?
#1: Sweetie.
#2: Passionate.
#3 Uh... misunderstood.
Emcee: Good. What would your ideal date be like?
#1: Hmm... we’d probably go to Paris and get some smashing costumes for Lord Grenville’s Ball. Also, if we have time, we’ll stop by and bother contestant #2.
Emcee: Sounds lovely. #2?
#2: We’ll denounce, arrest, and guillotine some aristocrat dogs.
Emcee: Ah. Okay.... #3?
#3: We’ll spend some time at your house talking about England and the identity of Percy Blakeney... I mean, the Scarlet Pimpernel! I mean... AH, CRAP! (Small, hard object is thrown at #3’s head from the direction of #1’s stool. He keels over in pain as the audience cheers)
Emcee: Moving on to our final question, do you have any odd habits we should know about?
#1: Well, I do have this small foot fetish. If you have any problems with me kissing your feet, you might not want to pick me.
#2: If you are an aristocrat, you will be guillotined. If you have a problem with me taking snuff, you will be guillotined.
#3: If you get into any trouble with the law, uh... you’re going to be doing all the talking. Also, don’t tell me any big secrets.
Emcee: Okay, now ladies, it’s your turn. Which of these dashing men are YOU going with on a date?