The Shrine to Brian Urlacher. It shall grow slowly, but with love
My Very Special Offer to Brian Urlacher, The God of McDonald's and Dominoes
and he plays pretty good football, too.
At this time I would like to 'offer my services' to Brian Urlacher, Middle Linebacker for the Chicago Football Bears. I understand that he has a large house, and most certainly he and his wife have their hands full taking care of little Pamela AND playing football for the Superbowl Bound Chicago Football Bears. So, it would be in their best interests to hire a 'housekeeper' to 'assist' with any 'duties' that need to be 'performed'. For instance, I would be happy to 'polish the trophies' at any time, as well as 'organize the game balls'. I'm particularly good at 'dusting the banister'. I will gladly keep your 'pipes clean'. Or perhaps I could 'neaten up the bedrooms' every day. Or keep the 'basement warm'. I would be happy to 'clean out the bathtubs' and 'fold towels'. I will take care of your child and provide you with another one if you so desire it. Whenever you asked, I would be happy to 'give you something to eat'. If you are otherwise 'locked out' I will 'let you in the backdoor'. I will give 'backrubs' and 'front rubs' and whatever other kind of rub you may need. I will 'wax your car'. I will 'iron the ties'. I will run out to McDonald's and buy you a 'quarter pounder' when you are 'craving it'. I will also 'make tacos' if you are so inclined to have them. And perhaps your wife and I could 'work together' to make your home a more 'inviting place'. I would like to 'get to know both of you' in a purely 'professional' manner. I find you to be 'intriguingly witty' and 'talented'. I would like to 'apply lotion to your body' and 'dress you in the morning'. But I digress.
If you are 'interested' in 'hiring me', please email me at jarbabyj@yahoo.com and I will 'get back to you' immediately.
The Bears Are Going To the Playoffs...The Superbowl...and then Immediately Following...My Bedroom. And yes, Even Walt Harris can come.
This race to the crown is soley due to the efforts of Brian Urlacher. The fastest human being on the planet. He can out run a cheetah, make a kick ass ground beef taco, and burp the alphabet.
It is at this time that I must put aside my philosophy of WWTD and begin to wonder: WHAT WOULD BRIAN DO? And no, not Brian Boitano. Brian Urlacher. Brian Urlacher can heal the sick with a touch of his hand. His barbed wire tattoo emits beams of light which force others to tell the truth. Brian Urlacher can fly. Brian Urlacher knows the secret to cold fusion. He knows all the words to "Its The End Of The World As We Know It". He can have sexual intercourse for forty five minutes at a time and is ready to go again ten seconds later. Brian Urlacher wrote Les Miserables. Brian Urlacher will find Osama bin Laden and singlehandedly bring him to justice. Every Christmas Eve, Brian Urlacher loads up a sleigh filled with toys and delivers them to all of the good boys and girls in the world. He knows how to knit. Brian Urlacher holds the world record for 100m Butterfly in swimming. He scored a perfect 10 on the uneven bars. He inveted vodka. He is the embodiment of everything good and sane in this messed up world.
I've said it before, I'll say it again. The league is Urlacher's Bitch
But this isn't about Urlacher's Good Deeds. This is about how he makes Michael Vick cry. This is about how he kicked Brett Favre's everloving ass. It's about him running back a touch down interception and taking the time to say hi to a hot cheerleader who probably melted into a puddle of goo soon after. Brian Urlacher is, without exception, the best football player ever in the history of the world. It can't be argued.
Sometimes, brian gets a booboo. This trainer is going about it all wrong, though. The proper procedure is to pin him down, give him mouth to mouth, strip him naked and suck the poison from the wound. And if the wound seems to be healed, you give more mouth to mouth. Then you keep him 'overnight for observation'
The Chicago Football Bears are going to the playoffs. And Brian Urlacher will score a touchdown in the first playoff game. He will then sack the opposing quarterback, making him bleed. He will then proceed to get 15 tackles, 3 forced fumbles, he will impregnate a cheerleader and Brian Urlacher will be the one to dump Gatorade on Coach Stoneface Jauron.
Best of Luck Brian. We're all counting on you.
Two Weeks Later:
JUST WAIT 'TILL NEXT YEAR BABY!
The Gods Smile on Me
For my letter to Brian was answered HERE, in Urlacher's Mail Sack. And what a wonderful sack it is. Unfortunately, he did not take me up on my offer to compare cats with his wife, nor did he offer to buy me a steak...but I think that if we read between the lines, it's clear. He's in love with me, and I him. Our lives are destined in the stars.