And now it's time to
Ask Till

Considering his near physical repulsion at being in an interview situation, or indeed speaking aloud to other people, we were shocked when Till Lindemann, the sexiest man in Christendom agreed to pen (or rather ghostpen) an advice column for the followers of The Tillian Philosophy. I agreed to format the column in exchange for an evening of watching Snow Dogs and having Till braid my hair while we talked about boys. What's surprising is that the movie was HIS choice. But we digress.

Lovelorn? Stuck in a ditch? Unable to figure out what your tax witholding should be if your married but filing singly? Have no fear, because Till Lindemann knows what's what, and if he doesn't, then he doesn't fucking care, ok you fucking slut? Where's my sandwich?

If you have a question for Till Lindemann, please drop jessi a line and she'll pass it along to him for prompt and courteous answers.

Till, before we start today, I want to congratulate you on going back to a normal body size and normal haircut for the Amerika Video

Wow, I'm really happy you approve. You mean nothing to me, bitch

Oh god, say that again, with your shirt off.

Are we going to answer questions or flap our gums?

OK, here's my first question...have you seen this guy? He's the lead singer of Norwegian band Zeromancer...

What about him...

you look nervous

WHAT? Why would I be nervous? Nervous because he's younger than me? Thinner? Because you listen to their stupid music all day instead of mine? He's not sexier than me. He's not. Look, watch me smoke, watch. HERE, I'm smoking.

YAWN

LOOK! LOOK! My eyes are green! Look, here's me holding a baby, a naked baby! Here's me all tangled up in white sheets...waiting for YOU jessi...just YOU.

Ok, ok. I love you. Let's move on

He's not sexier than me.

:: patting TIll on the head :: No no, of course he's not

Dear Till,

I am in a band with a very mean and ugly man named T...er...I mean, Dennis. Dennis is constantly belittling me and making fun of my size, when in fact I'm perfectly healthy and at least I'm not a 30 million pound sex-crazed GORRILLA with a stupid haircut grahhhahgrgah....ehem. Really, he is not a nice man. AND he gets all the chicks. AND he insists on ass-raping me every damn concert. What should I do about this terrible, terrible, horrible, bad, bad problem? Signed, Dr. Fla..um...Funkmachine. Yeah. Funkmachine. Herr Dr. Funkmachine.

Dear Asshole, if that IS your real name, and from now on it is:

How have you been sleeping? I mean, besides alone, with that little stuffed squirrel puppet you've named Neal. OH MAN, was that not supposed to be public? OOPSIE! GORILLAS MAKE MISTAKES TOO! Do me a big favor, my man: 1) stop dusting my bookshelves and 2) go fuck yourself.

On the off chance this isn't Flake, I say kick Dennis square in the balls.

Your pal,

Till

  Dear Mr. Lindemann,

  What's it like to wake up in the morning, look at yourself in the mirror, and realise, as Jarbaby puts it, that you are "white hot liquid fuck?" How does one handle being such a Teutonic sex symbol?

  Sincerely,

  Miss A

:: Till stares at jessi with a smug smile, takes a drag off his cigarette, eats three fun sized Heath Bars ::

First of all Miss A, I appreciate your respect for your elders (much elder, I'm sure) ... ... ... As I was saying...It's nice to see the youth of today having such nice manners. As to your question, it feels good. Real good...although if I haven't shaved, and if I'm a little bloated from Mexican food, or feeling a bit farty, I have to say that you may not find me as attractive as I used to be. (when your stomach was ripped flat? Have you seen Michael Phelps' stomach by the way? He's an Olympic Swimmer. I mean, an actual one, like, Swam In The Olympics)... ...Miss A, will you excuse me please?

What is your problem today, jessi?

shrugs

Did I do something to make you mad? Are you mad at me? Is that it?

I dunno. I just...I dunno. You didn't say anything about how I'd lost five pounds.

IS THAT WHAT THIS IS ABOUT? Jessi, my God. You know I love you no matter what! That's what sets me apart from normal red blooded american men...I like women with a little meat on their bones...a little heft. I like to grab your ass and fuckin' squeeze it..

TILL! We're writing a column!

Fuck the column, let's go get a plate of nachos and make out a little bit.

You're on

So! Until next time kids, keep it real, keep it german...and remember YOU ARE WHAT YOU EAT!

Back to the Philosophy|The Ask Till Archive

What? Yes, of course it's just water!
What do you think it is? Vodka?
Like I'd go to the fucking trouble
of emptying a fucking water bottle and
filling it with vodka just so you don't think I'm
drinking vodka? Fuck off.