-- by Hamish McIlwraith
Like adults, children experience similar stages of the grieving process, but
can react differently. this is because they have limited experience of life
and find it difficult to express the confused jumble of emotions they feel.
Extremes of behavior are common. They may at turns seem very upset and then
totally disinterested in what has happened. They may want to talk about the
person who's died all the time or conversely not at all. There may be
similar reactions in their attitudes to schoolwork. Almost inevitably there
will be some children who constantly want attention or complain of minor
illnesses such as headaches or stomach upsets.
Sometimes these extreme reactions can persist and deepen. Some children may
exhibit a constant and unreasonable anger towards everyone and everything.
This may be manifested in shouting or screaming or in physical attacks on
siblings or friends. Sadly, animals are often the victims of a child's
confused state; they can feel that it's acceptable to take out their anger
on a family's pet or to shoot at birds with a catapult or air gun.
Depression for children can be a real problem. They may isolate themselves
from all their friends and family, develop an extreme fear of going to
school, and threaten suicide. If you feel your child's behavior goes beyond
a normal expression of grief then consider outside help.
Helpful concepts:
Of course, there is a great deal that you can do to help your child
yourself. Apart from answering questions as honestly and as fully as you
can, you can help by explaining the following concepts:
Death is inevitable: All living things must die. It's a natural process.
People don't die because they've done, thought or said something wrong and
are being punished for it.
Death is irreversible: It's important to make sure that the child isn't
suffering the delusion that if they wish the person back enough they will
return. Sometimes children can be confused by the permanence of death and
feel bewilderment, hurt or intense anger when, for example, their parent
doesn't reappear as they used to after a business trip.
Death is for a reason: Some children find it difficult to accept that
illness, accidents or old age are straightforward reasons to die. It needs
to be emphasized that the illness or accident didn't happen because that
person wasn't 'good' enough to live. Similarly, though it may seem almost
callous to even consider it, violent death through murder is a reason to
die. It's important for children to realize this because they often feel
that they caused the death because they thought 'bad' things
Death means that all functions of life cease: A child's world is a very
sensory one, full of movement and activity. Some children, who do not
understand that all the sensory functions of life and all thought processes
end with death, become worried that the person may feel cold, hungry or have
undergone great pain if the body was cremated, or not have enough air to
breathe if it was buried.
Perhaps the most important thing is for you to be patient and be available
to talk to the child and to share your own feelings of grief with them.
This can encourage them to talk, understand and accept death. It's also a
good idea to have a talk with the child's teachers at school. After all,
teachers are significant adults in a child's life and can be a great help.
They should be asked to make sure that while they should be flexible with
the child as regards their school work, they should expect and encourage the
child to do the work. Keeping busy is an essential strategy in preventing
depression from taking too great a hold.
There are a number of other strategies that can encourage children to grieve
in an inclusive, positive way. Together you can plant a tree or a bed of
flowers in remembrance of the person who has died. Alternatively, you could
help them create an album of photographs or paintings of your loved one; let
the children have some input into the writing of any captions underneath the
pictures. It can also help if you encourage the child to write down their
feelings as a journal, poem or a story. Take some time not only with what
is written, but also with the way it's presented. You could bind all of it
into book form, with covers and, perhaps, a photograph of the person on the
front.
The above has been taken out of "Coping with Bereavement"
by Hamish McIlwraith find out more about this book at
www.therapeuticresources.com
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