Decision Dilemmas
Every bereaved family has probably made at least one decision during
those initial days of grief which they later regretted. Over and over
again I hear, "If I'd only known then, what I know now," or "I wish we'd
not done ...." or "I don't know why we did that. ..."
You can no doubt add your own disappointment to the following examples:
One family didn't view their son's body due to the severity of his
injuries. For years it haunted them that they'd not looked upon his
brokenness and could there possibly have been a mistake -- was that
really him in that casket? Why did they allow strangers to be the last
to look upon or touch their precious son? When the body is not viewed,
it may take years longer to accept the loss than had they seen the
person in the casket with their own eyes.
Another family cremated their daughter and greatly regretted that
decision. Cremation was chosen to save money. Later when renting was
the only option available to them, they wanted to place her ashes in a
permanent location but found crypts at their local cemetery were more
expensive than lots for young children. Another family buried their
daughter in the nearby town where she'd been pronounced dead, then moved
quite a distance away so people asked, "Why did you bury her there?"
Sometimes no funeral was held. Or maybe children were excluded,
thinking they were too young or it would be too upsetting for them.
Funerals provide an opportunity to say good-bye. Those who don't attend
are left hanging, like the sentence is ended with a comma rather than a
period.
Some families choose a closed casket ceremony much to their regret
later. Our imaginations tend to exaggerate the seriousness of injuries
or deformities. If the hospital or police department has pictures on
record, you can view them and most bereaved people say they had imagined
their loved one to look far worse than they actually did.
Probably every family has at least one major decision, made during those
first painful days of grief, which they regret to one degree or another. But rather than
condemn ourselves continually, feeling unnecessary remorse or guilt over these
decisions, we need to recognize that at that moment, the decision made seemed to be
the best one right then. We need to accept that given the
circumstances, we made the best decision possible at that particular
moment, with the information available to us.
One bereaved father summed it up well by explaining, "You must make an
important determination now, that decisions made in the past are already
made." We thought it was right then, and no matter what we or others
now think, we can't go back to that point in time and decide again. We
need to look forward, not backward, for time moves forward. All the
wishing in the world will not reverse time's movement nor change
decisions of our past.
Some decisions which we regret can be remedied somewhat. Like if no
funeral was held or if someone was unable to attend, at a later date,
such as for a birthday or special date, a gathering of those who care
can assemble and sing songs, read poetry, and have a little time of
remembrance to help the person who needs closure. If cremation was
chosen and later regretted as there is no specific place to visit in
remembrance of the person, a special plant can be planted with a plaque
stating it is in remembrance of this person's life. Having a designated
place to remember them by really helps the healing process. If your
child is buried at a distance, having a special plant in remembrance of
that child in your yard can be a source of comfort.
One bereaved dad commented about coping with these decisions which we
wish we could change, that "forgiveness is God's one gracious gift in
dealing with our past. Hope for the future is tied to forgiveness for
past mistakes and sins."
So let us forgive ourselves or others who made the decisions we would
love to change, and accept that the decisions made are already history
so no change can now take place. Acceptance and forgiveness are major
keys to our healing.
Carol Ruth Blackman
Bereaved Parents Share II, May 1998
Reprints may be obtained from: BPS
PO BOx 460
Colton, OR 97017-0460
If God allowed us to go through our life without any
obstacles, it would cripple us. We would not be as strong
as what we could have been. We could never fly.
I asked for Strength.........
And God gave me Difficulties to make me strong.
I asked for Wisdom.........
And God gave me Problems to solve.
I asked for Prosperity.........
And God gave me a Brain and Brawn to work.
I asked for Courage.........
And God gave me Danger to overcome.
I asked for Love.........
And God gave me Troubled people to help.
I asked for Favors........
And God gave me Opportunities.
I received nothing I wanted
I received everything I needed
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