Grandparents have a unique grief. They not only hurt deeply as they
miss the child that has died, but they also have an added pain of seeing
their children hurting deeply, knowing they can't take their child's
pain away or lessen it for them. Grandparents often feel powerless to to
help the ones they love when a grandchild dies. Their own pain is
compounded by the feelings they have for their own child. As one
grandmother put it, "We hurt twice. We hurt for the grandchild we
lost. We also hurt for our children."
Grandparents lose part of their future, just as parents do when a child
dies.
When the grandchild or grandchildren who died are the only grandchildren
you have, you feel that your role as a grandparent has ceased, so life
may seem overwhelming. There is the additional loss of no longer being
able to participate in sharing your grandchildren's latest achievements,
nor being able to share them with other grandparents. You feel a
greater isolation in your grief when your loss cuts you out of normal
conversations since you don't have anything current to share and hearing
others brag on their grandchildren adds salt to your wound.
People mistakenly assume that since grandparents are one generation
removed from the child that they somehow are immune to intense pain.
Others may think that since they are older, they have learned how to
cope with pain so don't need help.
Mourning is the process of adjusting to what has happened. It is
necessary and healthy for grieving people to express their feelings.
Grandparents suffer doubly during the mourning process because they
never really stopped being a mommy or a daddy. Their child is grown but
the instinct to protect and make him or her feel better is still there.
If only you could scoop them up in your arms and kiss away their pain...
Today, more than ever, miles often separate families. Not being able to
be nearby complicates grandparents' grief.
When grandparents are able to be with their child during grief, they
sometimes are mystified at their child's expressions in their grief.
The majority of people go through 4 general phases of mourning, but not
necessarily in the order listed, and sometimes return to various phases
more than once. The phases can be grouped into shock and disbelief;
searching and yearning; confusion and disinterest; and resolution and
getting on with life.
The first news of the grandchild's death may send your son or daughter
into shock. They may be stunned or feel intense panic, anger or
distress. They may think this is unreal.
The searching and yearning stage involves searching for a cause for the
loss. The parents may be angry at just about everyone: doctors, nurses,
others involved if it's an accident, friends, family and God. Parents
run through mental lists trying to think of things that may have caused
the death or that they could have or should have done to prevent the
loss.
When it's an illness or disease, grandparents often wonder if they may
have been responsible passing on bad genes or bad health.
Many grandparents feel guilt and anger that they are alive and their
grandchild is not.
Sometimes grandparents inadvertently blame the parents for the loss.
They need to be careful before they make any comments as bereaved
parents tend to carry lots of often unnecessary guilt without others
heaping some on them. Assigning guilt to a parent soon after loss may
cause a rift in the relationship at a time when you need each other more
than ever.
During the stage of confusion and disinterest, parents may talk of
having a feeling of emptiness, hopelessness and lifelessness. Former
interests hold no appeal. They may neglect their personal hygiene or
daily necessary tasks. Watching your child in such a condition is very
upsetting to bereaved grandparents.
During the final stage of grief you begin to have periods of feeling
"normal" again. You may begin to participate in activities you
previously enjoyed.
Grandparents need to be careful to not make decisions for their child
pertaining to the funeral or doing things with the grandchild's
possessions. They need to remember these are not their own decisions to
make; they are decisions the parents need to make together. It may seem
grandparents would be relieving their child's pain by making these
decisions for them but these are needful for the parent of the child to
do as part of their own healing process.
Just as with bereaved parents, grandparents find they grieve differently
than their spouse and differently than their child. Grief is unique to
each individual. It's hard to understand why others don't hurt in the
same way at the same time. What may be comforting for one grandparent
or the bereaved parent or sibling may be painful for you. Reviewing how
men and women grieve differently (February "Marriage Survival After
Losing A Child") may help you understand why your spouse grieves
differently than you.
Some may expect grandfathers to not show grief, yet they feel the same
painful emotions others do. Just because they are the family patriarch
doesn't mean they don't have emotions to work through when a grandchild
dies.
Because grief isn't always worked through to healing, you may find your
grandchild's death brings unresolved grief from your past to the surface
to be dealt with also.
Keep in mind that grief is hard work. There's a definite feeling of
tiredness during grief. Be kind to yourself and don't push yourself too
hard. Remember that tears relieve stress and can be as healing for
bereaved grandparents as for bereaved parents.
You'll no doubt experience a greater appreciation for the family members
you have remaining. During grief it's natural to be overly protective or
overly concerned that others you love may die soon. Try to not smother
the remaining family members. With healing will come peace about their
safety and well-being.
Grandparents can help the parents remember the child for birthdays and
special days as friends quit mentioning the child's name. Grandparents
should feel free to talk about their deceased grandchild. Bereaved
parents often fear their child will be forgotten. Grandparents have a
room in their heart for the memories of the grandchild who has died just
as they do for each living grandchild. When grandparents mention the
child and include them in the counting of grandchildren, it's comforting
to the bereaved parents.
Grandparents are among the "forgotten grievers" along with fathers and
siblings. Several books and articles exist for bereaved parents and
some for bereaved children, but sadly very little is available
specifically for bereaved grandparents. No wonder they're known as the
"forgotten grievers." Carol Ruth Blackman
Reprinted from March 1994 Bereaved Parents Share, revised 2/97
Online Support Groups Subsequent Pregnancy
Links Awards Webrings Articles Email Us
